Engagment party but no reception

Cessi02 · January 2015

Well, that's what I thought I was doing but there's not a once size fits all when researching which is why I reached out in the forum. I am doing what I can to find answers or I wouldn't be here. So please if you have nothing to contribute but rude comments then please don't waste your time or mine.

whovianstark · January 2015

ShesSoCold said:

Cessi02 said:

MGP said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

All of this, plus why would you have an engagement party 11 months after getting engaged? I don't know what the etiquette approved window is but that seems really long. You wouldn't celebrate your birthday or graduation 11 months after it happened, would you?

Engagement parties aren't terrible but personally I think they are unnecessary and tacky when self hosted. A long engagement also leaves opportunity for drastic changes in things like the wedding budget and the relationships of those invited, and then you get into a situation like the OP's. I get you want to celebrate. But do it informally like a happy hour or a dinner party and don't bill it as an engagement party. Once you send invitations you are locked into inviting those people. You are setting an expectation with them that they will be included in your wedding events.

Seriously if I got a quick email from someone saying "I just got engaged let's meet up for drinks" and didn't get invited to the wedding two years later I may be disappointed but wouldn't be offended. I honestly would not think the couple was obligated to invite me based on that interaction. On the other hand if I got an invitation and showed up to a party in the couple's honor and then didn't get invited I would be very hurt that I was good enough to squeal over your ring with you and give you a gift but not good enough to come to the main event.

Do you see the difference?

We had an engagement party 11 months after being engaged because we knew we would have a long engagement and wanted to have it closer to our tentative wedding date. I've never been engaged nor have I ever been married so all of this is new to me. My family and his doesn't necessarily do "weddings" more like court marriages so we are both learning as we go and may have made some questionable choices but I don't appreciate how some people are so rude in their responses. I am asking for advice and people are attacking other people. I think I made a mistake by posting

This was new to a lot of us. You know what you should do when you don't understand or know how to do something? Research. When H and I were considering getting a dog I didn't just hope for the best. I researched what we/she would need and how we could accommodate that.

Don't use ignorance as an excuse for bad behavior. Laziness, maybe. But there are a million resources to enlighten you.

One argument I would make to side with the OP is that I have also struggled with etiquette (and boy have I made some blunders along the way! ) and one thing I have seen time and time again is that there are many "sources" that aren't credible. Now that I have experienced the boards I trust what is written here more than any other source. But before the boards I probably would have followed the advice from Martha Stewart weddings. Just saying that yes research is needed but some of us have been led astray by etiquette "experts".

MGP · January 2015

MGP said:

huskypuppy14 said:

Cessi02 said:

Hi everyone, I am new to this discussion forum. My fiancé and I got engaged last January and we were saving for a big wedding this September. We actually hosted an engagement party last November but we recently decided that a big wedding wasn't what we wanted. We were only planning for a larger wedding because my mom absolutely refused to be a part of our big day if we had gone with a destination wedding like we originally planned. So now, being less than 9 months away from our BIG day we want to cancel everything and just do a small intimate wedding with close family and a few good friends and maybe have a dinner somewhere with a few good people to celebrate. My concern is that we will have to invite the people we invited to our engagement party. I just want to know if its bad etiquette to not invite everyone. Has anyone had this same problem?

A bunch of things going on. First, you should not have hosted your own engagement party, but what is done is done. Etiquette wise, anyone invited to pre wedding parties, needs to be invited to the wedding. If you wanted to elope, you shouldn't have any pre wedding parties.

This is tough though when people have a long engagement, because the engagement party usually occurs before people have finalized the guest list.

This is why people recommend only inviting VIPs to engagement parties. And, figuring out what type of wedding you want before deciding to have a pre wedding party.

All of this, plus why would you have an engagement party 11 months after getting engaged? I don't know what the etiquette approved window is but that seems really long. You wouldn't celebrate your birthday or graduation 11 months after it happened, would you?

Engagement parties aren't terrible but personally I think they are unnecessary and tacky when self hosted. A long engagement also leaves opportunity for drastic changes in things like the wedding budget and the relationships of those invited, and then you get into a situation like the OP's. I get you want to celebrate. But do it informally like a happy hour or a dinner party and don't bill it as an engagement party. Once you send invitations you are locked into inviting those people. You are setting an expectation with them that they will be included in your wedding events.

Seriously if I got a quick email from someone saying "I just got engaged let's meet up for drinks" and didn't get invited to the wedding two years later I may be disappointed but wouldn't be offended. I honestly would not think the couple was obligated to invite me based on that interaction. On the other hand if I got an invitation and showed up to a party in the couple's honor and then didn't get invited I would be very hurt that I was good enough to squeal over your ring with you and give you a gift but not good enough to come to the main event.

Do you see the difference?

We had an engagement party 11 months after being engaged because we knew we would have a long engagement and wanted to have it closer to our tentative wedding date. I've never been engaged nor have I ever been married so all of this is new to me. My family and his doesn't necessarily do "weddings" more like court marriages so we are both learning as we go and may have made some questionable choices but I don't appreciate how some people are so rude in their responses. I am asking for advice and people are attacking other people. I think I made a mistake by posting

If you think my response was rude then you dont know what rude is. I simply gave my OPINION that an engagement party 11 months after the engagement seemed long to me. If I got an invite to your party my first reaction would be "didnt they get engaged, like, a year ago?" and wonder why it was necessary to come together and celebrate something that happened so long ago. Again, just my opinion.

You are missing the biggest point here and that is you set an expectation for someone when you directly or indirectly involve them in your wedding. What I mean by that is inviting them to any pre wedding parties, sending a Save the Date, or in depth discussion about the wedding details (such as "you are going to LOVE the DJ we booked!") gives the average person the message that they will be invited to the main event. You can't blame them for that. When your wedding vision changes midstream and you end up only inviting a portion of those people you have already involved there is a huge opportunity for the ones not included to be offended and hurt. I would be. You decided to do this, you took the risk of the fallout, so you need to deal with the consequences.

We all get that plans, priorities, and budgets change. It happens to the most informed and prepared brides. That is why it is best to not send those mixed messages about being invited until your date, budget, and guest list has been set in stone, locked down, and money in hand before you start those lines of communication with people who you supposedly love, care about, and want to treat well.

Cessi02 · January 2015

Thank you for your responses.

Engagment party but no reception

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