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I'm a planner!

sinaxissinaxis member
Second Anniversary First Comment
in Not Engaged Yet
Maybe I'm crazy. Am I?
He pretty much told me he'll propose this year, so I've already and began the 'fun' part of planning... Essentially no spending money, yay!
Things finally lined up for us to get engaged (new careers for us both, house etc) so it's only natural that the next step is a ring... Or was that supposed to be first?
But, I digress. I'm using this time to plan in the fun non-stressful way, we've pretty much picked some big things like venue, theme, etc. The other great thing about this is we've already started a saving budget, so money is being tucked away now. This way, even if something did happen, I'd have a nest egg in the end.

Have any of you done this?
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Re: I'm a planner!

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    This here is what we call "BSC" - batshit crazy.

    And I'll admit to doing it...I was really, really bad.  But you know what?  All it did was make him feel pressured, made me INSANE...and all of the "plans" I thought I had were made completely different by life circumstances.

    "Pretty much telling you" that he'll propose this year is not you being engaged.  However, if you sit down and have a conversation in which you agree to get married and agree on a date, venue, etc...then you're engaged.  Whether there's a ring on your finger or not.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2015
    No
    sinaxis said:
    Maybe I'm crazy. Am I?
    He pretty much told me he'll propose this year, so I've already and began the 'fun' part of planning... Essentially no spending money, yay!
    Things finally lined up for us to get engaged (new careers for us both, house etc) so it's only natural that the next step is a ring... Or was that supposed to be first?
    But, I digress. I'm using this time to plan in the fun non-stressful way, we've pretty much picked some big things like venue, theme, etc. The other great thing about this is we've already started a saving budget, so money is being tucked away now. This way, even if something did happen, I'd have a nest egg in the end.

    Have any of you done this?
    Did I do this? Maybe? Depends on what you mean by "picked a venue" and "picked a theme".

    I looked at pictures of dresses, rings, hair and makeup... and I even looked online at photographers and venues. I looked at pictures. And I looked at the prices they listed when they did list them (that was my main goal for photographers... what did they cost!). I did have some idea of "favorites", and I had an idea of the look and feel that I wanted, but I did not email and vendors or pick a particular dress or photographer or venue or ANYTHING until the proposal happened.

     (And this is more "preplanning" than a lot of ladies on here would recommend. And it's more than I would recommend for a lot of people too. It just so happened that FI and I were SUPER upfront about timelines. After talking many times over our entire relationship, and our timeline not changing once, I knew he was proposing in the spring of 2014. I knew we were going to have a year long engagement so we could get married in spring 2015. So a few months before spring 2014, I did online research, and I "Favorited" websites and pictures that I liked.  When we got engaged, we went to look at some of the places I had saved. Didn't end up picking them, because my parents wanted to invite more people than I had anticipated. I did pick a dress and venue that looked very similar to all the pictures I saved. )

    You may say "this is my venue!" but until you decide that the size of your guest list (which, after the proposal and family members get involved, could very well increase or decrease) lines up with that venue, and that the venue is available on the dates that work for you and your VIPs, and that the cost of the venue falls in line with your budget, and you sign a contract with the venue... you haven't really picked a venue. And theme? What is a theme for? My "theme" was and is.. I wanted lots of light, and prettiness, and brunch.

    It is good that you are saving money.
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  • BaytoSA2013BaytoSA2013 member
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    Where the hell is Prince when you need him...
    Formerly doubless07
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @sinaxis.... what do you mean when you say you picked a vendor and picked a theme? And what do you mean when you say "he pretty much told me he's proposing"?
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  • 500days500days member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm a planner- I knew it was going to be BSC! Stop what you're doing now because you might regret later when the venue is too expensive or has your date booked. As PPs have stated, there will be plenty of time when you are engaged to plan your little heart out.
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  • AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    OP, I'm also a planner. I did similar stuff to what @lilacck28 did; saving things I saw online that I liked to a secret pinterest board to keep for later and looking at online prices when available to get an idea of what we would need to save and how long that would take us (all with my FI's blessing; BF at the time). I did not reach out to vendors or put deposits down on anything. Some of the things that I saved we are using, but some of them we went in a completely different direction with (my dream venues online were not so great in person, etc.). 

    I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at things online, but I would not put deposits down or meet with vendors until you two are actually engaged (i.e. on the same page about everything; ring not necessary). 

    ETA: I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at things online as long as it doesn't completely consume all of your time. 

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  • lmcooper86lmcooper86 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer

    @Swazzle - My reaction was more of an "oh God" with a Lady Mary eyeroll.

    OP, do not pre-plan. A wedding is not SOOOO much work that you have to start planning it before you're even engaged.

    "Pretty much" telling you that he will propose this year could mean anything up to and including New Year's Eve 2015. If you're already pre-planning then you could conceivably spend this entire year planning your wedding when you don't consider yourself engaged yet. Or it could mean that he's thinking about proposing but isn't moving forward with it yet.

    If you and your BF have agreed that you will get married and are thinking about a date, then you are engaged already. If you haven't had that conversation OR if you won't feel engaged until he proposes (with or without a ring) then you aren't engaged and shouldn't be planning anything yet.

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  • beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    @buddysmom81 Sames. Not an ounce of preplanning is needed. 
    @swazzle I, too, cringed. 

    OP just...stop. No. What? No. 
    "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
     "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa









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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
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    Elle, is that you?
    I french with my man
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  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
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    ***grabbed popcorn for this one***
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    "You are made of win." -SopChick
    Still here and still fabulous!

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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You know what they say about life happening when you're busy making plans, right?

    If you're not engaged, then stop planning a wedding.  There is plenty of time to plan a wedding once you ARE engaged.  And yes, there is a difference between stumbling upon something you think you'd like for a wedding someday and pinning it and contacting venues.

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  • Peaseblossom55Peaseblossom55 mod
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    @swazzle yay!!!!

    Anniversary

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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    Pinning a pretty bouquet you stumbled upon online - not crazy.

    Picking things for the wedding like vendors, venue, themes, etc before you are engaged - BSC.

    Wait until you are engaged before you start planning. Shit happens in life and saying he'll probably propose this year doesn't mean omg plan ALL THE THINGS. You'll have plenty of time to plan once you are engaged.

    Seriously lurk a little. Pre planning has never been encouraged here.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015
    kaitlynmichelle said:
    Pinning a pretty bouquet you stumbled upon online - not crazy. Picking things for the wedding like vendors, venue, themes, etc before you are engaged - BSC. Wait until you are engaged before you start planning. Shit happens in life and saying he'll probably propose this year doesn't mean omg plan ALL THE THINGS. You'll have plenty of time to plan once you are engaged. Seriously lurk a little. Pre planning has never been encouraged here.
    So much this! My BF and I have said "Ok, well get engaged X time and get married around Y" and then had to push it back so many fucking times. We're doing it again (although not pushing off the engagement this time) this year. We wanted to get married this summer but shit happened and now that's probably not going to happen. I would feel incredibly stupid if I had already started planning a wedding before actually being engaged for this summer just because we said oh it'll probably happen this summer.


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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I still see favoriting websites as the same as pinning a picture... but I was also lucky, in that things did not have to get pushed back, and I wasn't totally wrong about FI wanting to get married/ he didn't lie.

    And I favorited a ton of websites. It wasn't about "picking" something, it was about... looking at pretty things and places, and saving them if I thought I might want to look at it again later, when I was engaged.

    Of course, FI kind of saw us as engaged before I did. I felt engaged when he proposed, he felt engaged when we decided to look at rings... if not before that.
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  • bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    If you're just browsing like pinning pics of venue set ups/flowers/decor on Pinterest, or saying ooo look at this pretty dress to mentally remember it is fine. Beyond that (stating you have a venue, budget, theme etc.) you get into batshit crazy territory. Pre-planning puts a lot of pressure on significant others to propose. Would you rather your SO propose to you genuinely or because you pressured him to by showing them wedding related things?

    Also, getting an engagement ring should not be considered a "natural next step." Thinking about your future as a couple is more important than a ring, proposal or wedding. To me, it sounds like you're more focused on having a big fancy party with themes and a pretty dress, than your relationship. I'm also surprised as to why you've created a wedding budget/fund when he hasn't asked you to marry him...it's like putting the horse before the cart.

    Until he says will you marry me (a ring is not required) step away from planning. You'll make yourself crazy waiting, Get a hobby to occupy your time.
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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    bethsmiles said:


    kaitlynmichelle said:

    Pinning a pretty bouquet you stumbled upon online - not crazy.

    Picking things for the wedding like vendors, venue, themes, etc before you are engaged - BSC.

    Wait until you are engaged before you start planning. Shit happens in life     and saying he'll probably propose this year doesn't mean omg plan ALL THE THINGS. You'll have plenty of time to plan once you are engaged.

    Seriously lurk a little. Pre planning has never been encouraged here.

    So much this! My BF and I have said "Ok, well get engaged X time and get married around Y" and then had to push it back so many fucking times. We're doing it again (although not pushing off the engagement this time) this year. We wanted to get married this summer but shit happened and now that's probably not going to happen. I would feel incredibly stupid if I had already started planning a wedding before actually being engaged for this summer just because we said oh it'll probably happen this summer.


    *Just in case box*
    Exactly. We had a timeline for quite a long time. Always "this year" but stuff happened. Jobs lost, moving, injuries for both of us. Honestly I was BSC by the end because it was pushed back so much! I did have stuff saved from years ago and when I found it on an old laptop I had to laugh. Everything I saved was nothing like our wedding. Trends and ideas change too! Even if he proposes this year, that could be December 31st. A year is a loooong time.

    Find a hobby and focus on that! Try knitting. Saved my sanity, seriously.
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  • marylabmarylab member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Ditto said shit happens.
    And we witnessed it so far three times.
    If you're such a planner,better plan other things
    that are controlled only by you.
    Picking and asking venues and professionals
    is actually not the best idea either.And that said
    as an event planner,I had people come and ask me
    for details too early and they changed their minds until the
    actual event 100 times.Save your sanity(and other's) and try doing/thinking something else.
    Let him do the thing he wants without pressure.





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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm a planner too, which is why from the time that my then BF told me he would propose that year and when I actually got proposed to were some of the most anxiety-filled days of my life. I had every urge to get started planning a wedding, but I came to this board and learned that I need to slow my roll.

    That said, I admit that I did some preliminary investigation of the venues in the area and what their costs associated with the venue are and I was very glad that I did because when that we got engaged, I already had a good sense of what we could afford and what we couldn't afford. It saved me a lot of time in those first initial weeks. We REALLY wanted to get married summer of 2015 and I was able to hit the ground running in December. All that said, while I was doing this investigation I told NO ONE- not my bf, my mom, my best friend- no one what I was doing at the time. 

    I'm not going to be one of those people who say "enjoy your time as bf and gf while you still have it" because I remember that it didn't help me. What I will say is now is a good time to think about all those things that you wanted to do before you got married and tackle them now. I wanted to lose 30 lbs, so I started a weight loss program.  It's also a good time to make your girlfriends a priority and catch up with friends and family you haven't talked to in awhile. Believe me once you get in to the planning a wedding stage, you will find that you are spread really really thin and don't have a lot of time to do much else. 
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    @TwoDimes‌ Congrats on your great jobs prioritizing! Between working 60+ hours a week, a strenuous work out plan, meeting with vendors, trying to get FI to nail down details, I wish I could say the same thing. My point was just to note that during the "waiting for a ring" stage, an anxious gf could get started could spend time focusing on her own personal goals and her friends and family instead of planning a wedding. This is a great time to reconnect with people.
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  • bride2b71614bride2b71614 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @chloe97 why didn't you tell anyone you were pre-planning? I mean, if it's considered normal to pre-plan, why not say that you were researching venues?
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't think researching is pre-planning. I research trips I'm never going to take, but I don't call the travel agent to book it. I didn't tell anyone to avoid putting pressure on my BF. After we got engaged I told people I had done research and no one batted an eye.
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    No actually @goldenpenguin I wasn't encouraging pre-planning at all, I was encouraging enjoying your life before wedding planning. Not the same thing at all. All I had said was that I did research about wedding venues because I was curious how much things cost. I actually wish I had done more preplanning in terms of thinking about dresses and colors because I am still completely overwhelmed by the details and I felt like my venue and vendors all expected to me to have this grand vision the first day I met with them and I had nothing. I understand the reasons not to preplan, so I am not encouraging it. Like I said, I am happy for other people that are having an easy time balancing life and wedding planning. I have an easy time with the logistics of the planning, but the details have bogged me down. I'm not a detail person.  I'm only 2 months in though, so hopefully it gets easier!  
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