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Cash Bar Conversation

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Re: Cash Bar Conversation

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2015
    Maggie0829 said:
    thisismynickname said:
    kat1114 said:
    dcbride86 said:
    Knottie79372645 said:
    Where do you people live? You seriously would not attend a wedding with a cash bar? I've worked worked many weddings at a country club (with incredibly wealthy members) in my home town and plenty of them do not have open bars. You can literally pay thousands for people's drinks. I'd be happy to buy beer and wine and leave the option for guests to purchase their own drinks. The vast majority of weddings I've attended have been that way and nobody was offended in the slightest.  

    I would probably attend it, in part because I wouldn't know that it was a cash bar.  But I would also side-eye it and talk about it.

    And as to the country club thing - money doesn't buy you class (or etiquette)

    Amen to the bolded. I've been to 4 weddings in the last 2 years. One was at a country club...and it was the only one that had a cash bar (including $3 for soda and water) AND a dollar dance.

    I knew ahead of time that it was a cash bar because H was a groomsmen. I brought a flask. 

    Yeah, sorry to pile on, but the one and only cash bar wedding I've been to was at a country club. Club isn't synonymous with class, agreed. 
    image
    Yup. The only wedding I've ever been to with a cash bar was hosted by a couple were was living in a freaking 3 million dollar house. There were a lot of very pissed off people at that wedding. 


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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    novella1186 said:
    I was talking to FSIL a couple months ago, who had almost the same wedding budget as ours, and found out that she had a partially hosted bar. It was open bar for cocktail hour, and then cash bar the rest of the night. I had to bite my tongue so hard. Her reasoning was that an all-night open bar was way too expensive. She then told me what she spent on flowers, and it was an insanely huge amount. That just blows my mind. 

    We spent half her amount on flowers, and it was enough for a garland for the chuppah, 7 bouquets (for me and all 6 BMs), 9 bouts, 3 corsages, and all our centerpieces. That's PLENTY. And with the other half, we're paying for the open bar. 

    It's called budgeting. It's a thing. 
    I picked a garden-type venue largely for the reason that it was already so pretty and I didn't need to decorate with a million flowers. At the end of your wedding people are not going to be like "ooh those flowers were amazing!" They will be like I had an awesome time because I was hosted so well. 
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
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    climbingwife said:
    lnixon8 said:
    climbingwife said:
    Out of the dozens of weddings I've attended (mostly just NY and NJ), only ONE had a cash bar. And that was also probably the least of the etiquette blunders. 
    Don't leave us hanging! It's Friday girl, spill!
    The church was this really old, beautiful stone church. But it was in the freaking middle of nowhere. There wasn't enough parking for all the cars. 

    The reception venue was an hour+ drive from the church. 

    There was a 1.5 hour gap. No cocktail hour. Just straight into the dining room. 

    No seating chart or escort cards. I know that's not really against etiquette, but it was a total pain in the ass. 

    Buffet style. No tables called. Just someone yelling, "FOOD!" and then a free-for-all. By the time I got there, there was hardly anything left. I think I got maybe some veggies and potatoes. 

    And the cash bar. There actually wasn't any bar even set up in the dining room. so even if you wanted to get a glass of water, you had to exit the dining room and walk to the hotel lobby. 

    Also, the cash bar didn't stop me from getting tipsy. I danced my butt off, and then forgot where I had left my shoes. I had to look under like 6 tables before I found them. Again, another downside of not having assigned tables :-P 
    There is a gorgeous ceremony spot in my area, but it's still like an hour away from anything. I was like well I can't make people drive an hour for a 20ish-minute ceremony and then another hour for the reception. AND the place has hardly any parking so you basically have to shuttle people up there. I don't know who would even use the place for their wedding now that I think about it. It's so impractical. 
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    A friend of mine had a big, very nice wedding last year which was open bar during cocktail hour and only wine and beer the rest of the night. FI, having never even been to a wedding that didn't have a full open bar, was ready to leave halfway through dinner. I understand if you can only afford to host wine and beer, but then only host wine and beer. Don't have a cocktail hour in which you served mix drinks and then start charging people for them with no warning. Some people stick to the "stick to one type of alcohol all night and you will be all right" mantra. To make matters worse they didn't take credit cards or have an ATM machine so I couldn't have paid $6.50 for a gin and tonic if I wanted to. 

    The other thing that she did, that I didn't know but found out later after we strated to talk about wedding planning, was give people and invitation to just come to the cocktail reception- for about 20-30 guests. They left during dinner and then came back for the dancing portion of the wedding. She had a HUGE guest list and I understood that they literally just couldn't fit those people for dinner in her venue, but I have never heard of such a thing. Has anyone else?

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  • mrsflyemrsflye member
    First Comment
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    FBIL is getting married this year too. They mentioned doing a cash bar because "they couldn't afford it". FMIL was all like: 
    image

    And then she offered to pay for it because she said a cash bar was super tacky. I love that woman. 

    Funny thing is everyone keeps saying how we are having a small wedding compared to them. And we're inviting 175 people. I just kept thinking, you couldn't cut the numbers down and at least do beer and wine? 
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  • smyatt1smyatt1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Cash bars are the norm where I'm from (Georgia). In fact, I've never been to a wedding with a full open bar. I would actually prefer to go to a wedding with a cash bar than a dry wedding. At least I then have the option to purchase the drinks if I want it. I have never felt obligated to purchase a drink when at weddings with a cash bar just because it was there. If I dont want to spend the money, I dont. I've never felt offended or upset by this.

    When I got married we had beer, wine and sangria offered at the bar the whole night. We purchased it ourselves to serve, but I heard several people mention that they would have preferred a cash bar where they could purchase other alcohol. 
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    mrsflye said:
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.
    Oh sweetie, no.

    If you don't want to pay for your friends' booze, then don't offer alcohol. I didn't, and our wedding was great. But your wedding isn't "your special day". It's the day you celebrate your love, certainly, but the purpose of a reception is to thank all the people who have supported you along the way. Are you really too stingy to buy them a drink or two on that one occasion?

    And of course we know that people are going to give gifts. But not everyone will, and not everyone will give you something big. But guess what: part of avoiding getting 5 toasters is registering. You wouldn't register for 5 toasters, so you're not going to get 5. 

    Besides, everyone and their grandma knows that giving cash is awesome! Why on earth would you register for a website that takes 7% of your money? If you opt to not register, or register for very little (including 0 toasters, if you don't want them) then most people will get the hint and give you cash. It worked for us, even here in the South where boxed gifts are much more common than cash. 

    If you don't drink, have a dry wedding. If you don't want toasters, don't register for them. But for Pete's sake, don't make it sound like we're being mean when we're simply asking you to not make your guests pay for a party that you invited them to.
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    southernbelle0915 said:
    OMG... Common =/= Good Etiquette

    For Pete's sake, why do people make that connection? 

    You know what else a lot of people do? Pee on the seat in public restrooms. Does NOT make it ok. 
    A lot of kids from my graduating class in high school got arrested for drugs. So I guess the proper thing to do is get arrested for drugs, since it seems so common in that area? 
    image
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  • maeday2maeday2 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    mrsflye said:
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.
    It's not about getting wasted. It's about not asking someone to subsidize their drinks to a party you invited them to. 

    I'm capable of enjoying your "special occasion" with a glass of Pinot in my hand, while not being wasted. 
    image
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    lyndausvi said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    OMG... Common =/= Good Etiquette

    For Pete's sake, why do people make that connection? 

    You know what else a lot of people do? Pee on the seat in public restrooms. Does NOT make it ok. 
    Let's add open bar =/= everyone getting wasted.  

    True story.

    Another true story is people still can get drunk on their own dime.  

    That comment is for those who think cash bars some how equals people not getting drunk.
    I left my wedding more sober than I showed up. I guess I failed. Do I get a do-over?
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    image
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  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    mrsflye said:
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.
    image
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  • kat1114kat1114 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited January 2015
    lyndausvi said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    OMG... Common =/= Good Etiquette

    For Pete's sake, why do people make that connection? 

    You know what else a lot of people do? Pee on the seat in public restrooms. Does NOT make it ok. 
    Let's add open bar =/= everyone getting wasted.  

    True story.

    Another true story is people still can get drunk on their own dime.  

    That comment is for those who think cash bars some how equals people not getting drunk.
    The only cash bar wedding I've ever been to is the one I got the drunkest at because I brought my own flask of vodka. I had to drive 60 minutes, buy a gift, H had to rent a tux (he was a GM), and you're going to make me pay for not only booze but soda and water? 

    Also, the groom's father bought me a few rounds, and I wasn't going to turn down free booze when a cocktail was $10.

    ETA: Also, let's not equate hosting an open bar with going into debt. That's why you plan ahead and pick a venue that offers an option you can afford. For 80 guests we paid $950 (including 20% gratuity) for a full open bar with mid-grade liquor (i.e. Absolut, Bacardi, etc.). Guess what? I didn't have to go into debt because I (gasp) planned ahead and invited the number of guests I could afford to properly host.

    ETF: words
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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    Let's add open bar =/= everyone getting wasted.  

    True story.

    Another true story is people still can get drunk on their own dime.  

    That comment is for those who think cash bars some how equals people not getting drunk.
    Thank you.  I was going to add that.  We had a full open bar.  All night, wine, beer, spirits and slushy tropical drinks.  You wanted it, you could get it.  Not one person got drunk.  Thinking about it now, I'm a little disappointed in my friends. ;)

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    kat1114 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    OMG... Common =/= Good Etiquette

    For Pete's sake, why do people make that connection? 

    You know what else a lot of people do? Pee on the seat in public restrooms. Does NOT make it ok. 
    Let's add open bar =/= everyone getting wasted.  

    True story.

    Another true story is people still can get drunk on their own dime.  

    That comment is for those who think cash bars some how equals people not getting drunk.
    The only open bar wedding I've ever been to is the one I got the drunkest at because I brought my own flask of vodka. I had to drive 60 minutes, buy a gift, H had to rent a tux (he was a GM), and you're going to make me pay for not only booze but soda and water? 

    Also, the groom's father bought me a few rounds, and I wasn't going to turn down free booze when a cocktail was $10.

    ETA: Also, let's not equate hosting an open bar with going into debt. That's why you plan ahead and pick a venue that offers an option you can afford. For 80 guests we paid $950 (including 20% gratuity) for a full open bar with mid-grade liquor (i.e. Absolut, Bacardi, etc.). Guess what? I didn't have to go into debt because I (gasp) planned ahead and invited the number of guests I could afford to properly host.
    did you mean cash bar?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • lavenderfields13lavenderfields13 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    hellopig said:
    mrsflye said:
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.

    Cash bars are pretty much accepted where I live too (Indianapolis). Still rude. Weddings aren't give and take. You don't throw a reception to thank your guests for giving you presents. You do it to thank them for bearing witness and sharing in the most important day of your life thus far.

    No one said your guests must get wasted at your reception. Some adults *gasp* consume alcohol responsibly and don't get wasted every time they drink. If you don't want to pay for people to have drinks, then don't. Have a dry wedding. Why is this concept hard?

    Cash bars are the norm in my social circle too. I've only every been to 1 wedding with a full open bar all night and it was in CT. I too at first didn't really understand the whole concept of the reception, but now I get it- it's not all about me at that point- it's about hosting my guests and thanking them for coming to our ceremony and celebrating with us.

    We're hosting beer and wine all night and unfortunately our venue won't take down the liquor because they're a golf club (didn't find this out until it was too late) but we will have signs up showing what we are hosting. Open bar for cocktail hour and cash for the rest of the night is also common in my circle. I really don't mind cash bars because they're all I'm used to but it does get confusing- I never really know whether the bartender is going to tell me if I owe them for my drink or not!
    Ironically I think I got the LEAST drunk at the open bar. Like I said- cash is super common with my family/friends and guess what- most people still get wasted so don't try to control your guests.
     




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  • ahyatt87ahyatt87 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I have never attended a cash bar wedding. I have attended some dry weddings, but everything was properly hosted. I also had never heard of a dollar dance before TK.

    That being said, my mom was contacted by some extended family on my dad's side asking if they needed to bring money for a cash bar. My mom was very surprised, but told them that everything was being hosted by myself and DH. We had a lot a great feedback at out wedding, and we never even considered having a cash bar. We did consider a consumption bar (we pay for what was consumed by guests), but after doing the math, we decided a flat-rate cash bar price was probably more economical.
    image
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Knottie79372645 said:
    Where do you people live? You seriously would not attend a wedding with a cash bar? I've worked worked many weddings at a country club (with incredibly wealthy members) in my home town and plenty of them do not have open bars. You can literally pay thousands for people's drinks. I'd be happy to buy beer and wine and leave the option for guests to purchase their own drinks. The vast majority of weddings I've attended have been that way and nobody was offended in the slightest.  
    You don't know this.
     Especially if you're dealing with polite people. As a guest, I'm not going to say it in public at somebody's reception. I'm going to say everything was beautiful thank you so much for inviting me I had a wonderful time.

    In the car, on the way home? I'm going to say, oh, God, how could she not know how rude that is? And I might say, Poor thing, she wasn't raised right, or Crap, I had no cash with me and had to hit my mother up for ten bucks, and what damned book of etiquette did she grow up with in her house? (The answer to the last one is none. You can bet your ass on that.)

    The next day, I'm going to hear the same type of thing from other guests.

    Oh, Seattle. That's where we live. Been to many many weddings here, in LA, SFO, and two East Coast. Philly and Hartford. One in Salt Lake, no booze, free soda and punch.  I've only run into cash bars 2 times. 

    You don't need to pay thousands. You pay for and serve what you can afford. 
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  • kat1114kat1114 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    kat1114 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    OMG... Common =/= Good Etiquette

    For Pete's sake, why do people make that connection? 

    You know what else a lot of people do? Pee on the seat in public restrooms. Does NOT make it ok. 
    Let's add open bar =/= everyone getting wasted.  

    True story.

    Another true story is people still can get drunk on their own dime.  

    That comment is for those who think cash bars some how equals people not getting drunk.
    The only open bar wedding I've ever been to is the one I got the drunkest at because I brought my own flask of vodka. I had to drive 60 minutes, buy a gift, H had to rent a tux (he was a GM), and you're going to make me pay for not only booze but soda and water? 

    Also, the groom's father bought me a few rounds, and I wasn't going to turn down free booze when a cocktail was $10.

    ETA: Also, let's not equate hosting an open bar with going into debt. That's why you plan ahead and pick a venue that offers an option you can afford. For 80 guests we paid $950 (including 20% gratuity) for a full open bar with mid-grade liquor (i.e. Absolut, Bacardi, etc.). Guess what? I didn't have to go into debt because I (gasp) planned ahead and invited the number of guests I could afford to properly host.
    did you mean cash bar?
    Haha, yes. Ugh...is it 5 o'clock yet?
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    kat1114 said:
    did you mean cash bar?
    Haha, yes. Ugh...is it 5 o'clock yet?
    I've got 34 minutes .  Not that I'm counting down or anything.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    mrsflye said:
    Cash bars are completely normal where I live (St. Louis area). Although not ideal I don't believe they are tacky. My guests should be there to enjoy my special occasion, if they are only there to get wasted then I don't want them there anyway. If they are upset that I'm not paying for them to get drunk all night they don't have to come. If they want to drink they can buy their own, I will be providing coffee, tea and soda. I don't understand the whole "bow down to your guest, don't make them pay for anything, don't ask for a gift or assume you're getting one." Let's be honest you give gifts at special occaisions, we've all been to weddings, you get a gift when you're celebrating something special. Call me tacky if you want. I'm not going into debt paying for people to get drunk when I don't even drink and although I'm not doing a "honeyfund" if someone asks me what I'd like I'm going to say cash for our honeymoon would be amazing instead of a 5th toaster. Get over it.
    What? Do you really believe your friends would "only be there to get wasted?" 
    So, when you have friends over for dinner, do you charge them for their wine, because otherwise they only came to get wasted? Do you charge them for soda, so they don't start swilling?

    You either have a really low opinion of your friends, or you have really skanky alcohol swilling friends who take advantage of people. Are your friends so low and cheap that you really think they'd take advantage of you? 

    I don't think of my guests that way. The people I love don't behave like that. I'd be ashamed to say things like that about my friends. 

    Maybe you "don't believe" charging your guests for refreshments (alcoholic or non alcoholic) is rude.
    Maybe you "don't believe" it's rude to chew with your mouth open. It's irrelevant what you believe. In either case, there is an established rule of behavior that says guests don't pay. 

    Question: When you were growing up, which particular etiquette books did your family keep in the house?

    Answer :  None. 

    I was able to answer that for you, because I'm feeling all psychic today.  
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