Etiquette: cancer, destination wedding, and NOT having a PPD

ziggybug · January 2015

Hi all - I'm at a loss about the proper thing to do for our wedding.

We were planning a small (approximately 40 person, closest friends and nuclear family only) destination wedding in September. Our very generous friend has anice lodge/house in the Rockies, and we were actually going to have a 3-day weekend with our closest friends and get married by one of them toward the end of it. So we were never going to have a very formal wedding with all the accoutrements - more like sharing a cabin with friends, and just happening to get married during that time period. However, because it's in another state, it requires some planning ahead of time, so people have started planning and buying tickets.

And then very recently, we found out that my dad has cancer. We're still learning about his prognosis, but it doesn't look good. Even if he makes it to the wedding, he might not be well enough to travel. My fiancé and I agreed immediately after we found out that we would have the wedding early at our local courthouse if we got bad news after the surgery, because we both want my dad to be at my wedding. We live in a different state than most of the guests of the wedding, so most of our friends would not be able to attend this.

I'm heartbroken about all of this. I'm dealing with the much greater grief of most likely losing my dad with the help of my friends and family, but I could use some help with the wedding logistics issues, so here I am. We've already put down quite a bit of money for this in non-refundable deposits and plane tickets. It's not an expensive wedding by any means, but I'm a med student and he's a public employee, so we had to save for this quite a bit. And I don't know, maybe I'm a jerk for feeling this way given everything else that's happening...but I was so excited about the wedding we planned, and missing out on it is just kind of an additional shitty cherry on top of the crap sundae that is this situation.

My etiquette questions: Is there any polite and non-tacky way to salvage the investment of time and money that we've put into this weekend? This is clearly not a vow renewal situation, since we'll have been married a grand total of 6-7 months on our original planned date. If it were a typical wedding reception within driving distance of most people, we would have just turned it into an after party...but because of the structure of the original wedding, I kind of feel like that's not appropriate here (am I wrong?). I guess we could eat the cost of the plane tickets and plan the same weekend a year from our anniversary, but isn't that just as weird? My fiancé and I had written our own ceremony to incorporate our friends and family - we put quite a lot of thought into what we wanted to say, so is there any way to use this? What the hell do I do with my dress (which won't arrive until June)?

I'm mostly looking to avoid a PPD here. I swear I'm just looking for ideas - I looked through the message boards to try to find something similar to our situation, but came up empty. Any suggestions would be really helpful, so thanks in advance.

flantastic · January 2015

ziggybug said:

Hi all - I'm at a loss about the proper thing to do for our wedding.

We were planning a small (approximately 40 person, closest friends and nuclear family only) destination wedding in September. Our very generous friend has anice lodge/house in the Rockies, and we were actually going to have a 3-day weekend with our closest friends and get married by one of them toward the end of it. So we were never going to have a very formal wedding with all the accoutrements - more like sharing a cabin with friends, and just happening to get married during that time period. However, because it's in another state, it requires some planning ahead of time, so people have started planning and buying tickets.

And then very recently, we found out that my dad has cancer. We're still learning about his prognosis, but it doesn't look good. Even if he makes it to the wedding, he might not be well enough to travel. My fiancé and I agreed immediately after we found out that we would have the wedding early at our local courthouse if we got bad news after the surgery, because we both want my dad to be at my wedding. We live in a different state than most of the guests of the wedding, so most of our friends would not be able to attend this.

I'm heartbroken about all of this. I'm dealing with the much greater grief of most likely losing my dad with the help of my friends and family, but I could use some help with the wedding logistics issues, so here I am. We've already put down quite a bit of money for this in non-refundable deposits and plane tickets. It's not an expensive wedding by any means, but I'm a med student and he's a public employee, so we had to save for this quite a bit. And I don't know, maybe I'm a jerk for feeling this way given everything else that's happening...but I was so excited about the wedding we planned, and missing out on it is just kind of an additional shitty cherry on top of the crap sundae that is this situation.

My etiquette questions: Is there any polite and non-tacky way to salvage the investment of time and money that we've put into this weekend? This is clearly not a vow renewal situation, since we'll have been married a grand total of 6-7 months on our original planned date. If it were a typical wedding reception within driving distance of most people, we would have just turned it into an after party...but because of the structure of the original wedding, I kind of feel like that's not appropriate here (am I wrong?). I guess we could eat the cost of the plane tickets and plan the same weekend a year from our anniversary, but isn't that just as weird? My fiancé and I had written our own ceremony to incorporate our friends and family - we put quite a lot of thought into what we wanted to say, so is there any way to use this? What the hell do I do with my dress (which won't arrive until June)?

I'm mostly looking to avoid a PPD here. I swear I'm just looking for ideas - I looked through the message boards to try to find something similar to our situation, but came up empty. Any suggestions would be really helpful, so thanks in advance.

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad.

The way to avoid a PPD is not to have one. Have you told your dad that you'd be willing to have the courthouse wedding to have him there, and asked him what he'd prefer? My dad would probably be pissed that we rearranged everything around his illness and tell us to continue with what we planned, but I'm sure many dads would appreciate being able to be there.

It doesn't have to be a courthouse wedding, either. There are reasonably cheap ways and venues to have a ceremony in your area and food afterwards (or if you have the ceremony at a non-mealtime, cake and punch), in which case you can use the ceremony you've written.

You can still go on this trip with your friends and family, if everyone is still up for it. Resell your dress.

ETA - to the bolded, especially for your close friends who will know the situation... why do you assume they won't be able and willing to travel to attend?

misshart00 · January 2015

I believe @ShesSoCold‌ had a similar experience. Maybe she can give you some insight.

whovianstark · January 2015

I know this isn't etiquette advise but if I knew this situation I would be more than willing to travel to celebrate with you, even if you were already married. I am very sorry to read about your situation.

JCbride2015 · January 2015

If I were your friend, I would be glad to travel to the party weekend and have fun with you even if there was no ceremony and you were already married. I'd want to be there for you and support you in the best way I can, and have a great time at the lodge. I would side-eye if you had a ceremony after being married for 6-7 months, though. So just enjoy the weekend with your friends, and don't have a second ceremony.

But point #1 is to talk to your dad. Some dads would definitely want you to change your plans, while others would be pissed if you rearranged everything just for them. See what he wants and what is right for your family.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending vibes for good news after surgery.

CMGragain · January 2015

I live in Colorado. This state does not allow "friends" to perform marriages. A couple may legally marry by declaring vows, without an officiant, and filling in and filing the legal papers at the local courthouse. Your plans are not doable here.

"Officiants: Couples themselves may solemnize their own marriage (C.R.S 14-2-109).
They must apply for paper work from the County Courthouse in order to do this.
However, friends or relatives can not solemnize their marriage. Out-of-state Clergy need not be registered in Colorado.

Solemnizing a Marriage: Couples themselves may solemnize their own marriage (perform one's own marriage ceremony). According to Colorado Revised Statute 14-2-109, a marriage may be solemnized by a judge of a court; by a court magistrate; by a retired judge of the court; by a public official whose powers include solemnization of marriages; by Indian tribe officials; by clergy; by the parties to the marriage. If you wish to solemnize your own marriage, you will be responsible for acquiring, completing and returning the license to marry to the appropriate county Office of the Clerk and Recorder."

I think you should plan your wedding locally so that your father can attend. You can always honeymoon in the Rockies. Sorry to hear about your Dad.

ziggybug · January 2015

Thanks for your reply. I'm making an assumption that courthouse is, realistically, the best and possibly only option for us. We'd want to get married pretty quickly - probably in the next month, just in case things end up going really south. The other only places I can think that would be remotely affordable at this late date would be churches or parks - but we're Jewish, and it's the middle of winter. Maybe my parents' living room would work, but not for our full guest list. What are other ideas for cheap venues?

I guess the other factor here is that, between the illness and my med school obligations, I just don't know if it's a good idea to try to plan a last minute, somewhat formal 40-person ceremony - I kind of feel like I'm not up for that, especially if I'm doing it all on my own.

I'm sure some friends would be able to make it, but it's pretty last minute, and I'm guessing some just can't fly out with so little notice (school, work, finances, etc.) - especially if it's in the middle of the week, and it would have to be if we did it in a courthouse. I haven't actually managed to tell any of my friends yet (still working up the nerve for that), so you're right - I don't know for sure who would and wouldn't be able to come.

My dad might say not to change the plans for him, but I know he's been looking forward to this. And honestly, I would just hate myself if I prioritized having the dream wedding over having my dad be there. There isn't a good outcome to this situation, but this is the best of two bad options.

Quite frankly, I don't know if I want to try to...I don't know a better way to put it than "half-ass it." I guess I'm not seeing the point in spending extra money we don't really have for something we never really wanted, especially since we'll be losing all the other money we spent on our planned wedding. I don't know. Maybe trying to salvage anything like our planned wedding is just a bad idea.

Thanks for the help, though.

flantastic · January 2015

ziggybug said:

Thanks for your reply. I'm making an assumption that courthouse is, realistically, the best and possibly only option for us. We'd want to get married pretty quickly - probably in the next month, just in case things end up going really south. The other only places I can think that would be remotely affordable at this late date would be churches or parks - but we're Jewish, and it's the middle of winter. Maybe my parents' living room would work, but not for our full guest list. What are other ideas for cheap venues?

I guess the other factor here is that, between the illness and my med school obligations, I just don't know if it's a good idea to try to plan a last minute, somewhat formal 40-person ceremony - I kind of feel like I'm not up for that, especially if I'm doing it all on my own.

I'm sure some friends would be able to make it, but it's pretty last minute, and I'm guessing some just can't fly out with so little notice (school, work, finances, etc.) - especially if it's in the middle of the week, and it would have to be if we did it in a courthouse. I haven't actually managed to tell any of my friends yet (still working up the nerve for that), so you're right - I don't know for sure who would and wouldn't be able to come.

My dad might say not to change the plans for him, but I know he's been looking forward to this. And honestly, I would just hate myself if I prioritized having the dream wedding over having my dad be there. There isn't a good outcome to this situation, but this is the best of two bad options.

Quite frankly, I don't know if I want to try to...I don't know a better way to put it than "half-ass it." I guess I'm not seeing the point in spending extra money we don't really have for something we never really wanted, especially since we'll be losing all the other money we spent on our planned wedding. I don't know. Maybe trying to salvage anything like our planned wedding is just a bad idea.

Thanks for the help, though.

In this case, I'd just have your courthouse wedding with your close family, and host them at a restaurant or something after. There's nothing that says you can't have the lodge weekend with all your friends that JC described.

But yes, I think this would mean you'd have to give up the ceremony you wrote, the participation of everyone, and the dress.

ziggybug · January 2015

Thanks for the info. I'm a little confused because this was the information that I found while preparing for the wedding, and it seems like they explicitly say in their website that friends can marry other friends if they are properly ordained:

https://theamm.org/minister-licensing/colorado/

https://theamm.org/faq/#performing-marriage-basics-1

CMGragain · January 2015

Check out local restaurants that have private rooms for meetings. They can also arrange your reception. You can have the dress, the party, etc. I planned my own wedding in two months. Your biggest challenge will be written invitations. You can print them yourself from kits available at Michaels, Hobby Lobby, or office supply stores. Also, check out your state's licensing requirements for officiants. You might be able to use your friend after all. Another option might be men's clubs, like Elks, Moose Lodge, etc. They have big rooms and are budget friendly..

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Hi, OP. I had an almost identical experience. Thanks for thinking if me here @misshart00.

My now H and I had planned a DW. I think we were 40 days out when my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Her prognosis was so dire that she chose not to take treatment and to enjoy the time she had left. Her oncologist gave her weeks to live. We knew that traveling would be too hard on her, if she was even still with us.

We cancelled the DW 30 days before it was scheduled. We told our venue what had happened and they gave us back 100% of our deposit. They didn't have to give us back a cent per our contract, but given the circumstances, they did. They also gave all of our guests 100% of their lodging deposits. Not every place will be this generous, but honestly, for me, I wouldn't have cared if they gave us back nothing. There was no way in hell I was getting married without my mom and there was no way in hell I was traveling while she was at home fading away. I wanted every second I could with her.

Even the airlines gave money back. My dad and MIL had to prove the situation (we got a letter from my mom's oncologist for my MIL and my dad got his money back later - he sent them a copy of the invitation for the cancelled wedding, a copy of our marriage certificate to prove we'd gotten married a home and a copy of my mom's death certificate to prove that we didn't just cancel for no good reason). I don't know if everyone got their flight money back (I'm 99% certain everyone else was able to use the credit for another trip) but I did offer to reimburse people for their losses.

We were actually able to pull together a very nice wedding in less than two weeks. I live in suburban Chicago and a very well known downtown high rise restaurant had availability. We also looked into state parks that also had availability (even on Saturdays!) in the middle of summer. So if you do scrap the DW plans, there are more options that the courthouse, especially with a guest list so small.

OP, everyone is different and everyone will feel differently. What worked for me may not work for you. I will say that I do feel sad that we didn't have the wedding we'd planned for and I do feel like I missed something, but that's the way life is. Not everything goes according to plan and what matters most is that my mom was there. She wanted to be at my wedding and I needed her there. I would do the same thing if I had to relive it.

It sounds like this is all very new and fresh. Take a day or two and really think about what's most important. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a destination celebration the weekend of your planned wedding, but, depending on your dad, will you even be able to go? I don't know his prognosis but would you want to go on a trip if he's at home or in a hospital bed sick?

If you do decide to cancel, tell everyone exactly what is happening and they may be more generous than you think. If not, money can be replaced. Your dad and your time with him cannot be.

EDITed to fix paragraphs

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Edited because the comment is no longer relevant.

As far as planning a new wedding, PPs have good advice. Look into nice restaurants and hotels in your area. Quick does not have to equal sub-par. Get a dress off the rack. Hell, if you're around 5'6 or shorter and about a size ten, I'll send you mine. It might not be what you've always dreamed of, but it will be worth it because your dad will be there.

CMGragain · January 2015

ziggybug said:

Thanks for the info. I'm a little confused because this was the information that I found while preparing for the wedding, and it seems like they explicitly say in their website that friends can marry other friends if they are properly ordained:

https://theamm.org/minister-licensing/colorado/
https://theamm.org/faq/#performing-marriage-basics-1

Do bear in mind that both of these websites are from the AMM, NOT the state of Colorado. The question is moot, now that you must change your plans, but I would telephone the local courthouse and confirm that they accept online ordinations such as AMM. Not every state does.

CMGragain · January 2015

Don't despair yet. I have stage four metastatic cancer. I just came back from a vacation in Singapore and Indonesia. Your Dad might have more time than you think. Thoughts and prayers.

ziggybug · January 2015

Oh my gosh - thank you SO much. This is so helpful to me, since I'm in an (almost eerily) similar situation, and I feel the same way about my dad being there that you did about your mom. I'm actually crying a little bit over here.

I'll explain the situation to our vendors, and hopefully some will be sympathetic. I'll check into restaurants. Most of my friends and family are located in one city (not the city that my fiancé and I live in), so maybe we could get something together quickly there. I don't know how quickly my dad will get sick, and you made a really good point - if he's sick enough not to be able to travel, then I can't go anywhere anyway.

And you're absolutely right about needing a couple of days - I'm pretty shell shocked right now, and I definitely don't feel like I've got a clear head.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get the wedding you had planned, but a huge congratulations on your marriage.

ziggybug · January 2015

Thank you so much for your information and kindness. Sending out the very best vibes.

ziggybug · January 2015

This is really helpful, thank you - my biggest concern, other than my dad, is that my friends and family feel comfortable and respected. I just don't want to put them in a position where they feel like they have to say yes to something they're not comfortable with.

ShesSoCold · January 2015

Thanks. I forgot the most important thing when I posted - thoughts and vibes for you, your dad and your family. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I wish you and your dad the best.

ziggybug said:

This is really helpful, thank you - my biggest concern, other than my dad, is that my friends and family feel comfortable and respected. I just don't want to put them in a position where they feel like they have to say yes to something they're not comfortable with.

If your family and friends have hearts, they'll understand your situation. An invitation isn't a summons and they'll either figure out a way to come, or they won't. I know if I were a friend or family member of yours, I'd be thinking of you and your dad first and foremost. If anyone thinks or says, "Oh how dare she move her wedding to accommodate her sick father - I wanted to go to CO, dammit!", that's their problem and not yours.

My H's grandma and my aunt (both out of town) had planned on coming to our DW but couldn't make the trip to the actual wedding. I spoke to both on the phone and I believe them when they said they were sad that they couldn't come but totally understand what we did.

It's really great of you to be thinking of everyone, but in this situation, you need to put yourself and your father first (as long as you don't have a pot luck or cash bar

).

WhatawagSBNy · January 2015

About the only circumstance most people will accept, in my experience, without calling a full wedding later a princess day, is a private, parents, or grandparents, couple and judge marriage due to the imminent likely death of the parent or grandparent. It happens fairly often in hospital with chapels and in rooms, as well as at a courthouse.

I guess I have never personally met anyone with so little compassion that they would call for cancellation of the wedding and couple exchanging vows to each other (no clergy or officiant). Wearing already purchased gowns and usual wedding things, though without attendants or extra parties.
The extra parties, most would consider in bad taste anyway with a serious illness or death in the family.
The attendants, too much. But formal bridal wear, usually with a token of the deceased in the wrapping of the bouquet, is reasonable.

The idea that the dying loved one could only see his daughter married by taking a usual wedding away from her, would be appalling to anyone I know.

Done for convenience to get benefits, done for the vanity of more than one wedding to have one or two reenactments of a marriage, those are princess days in bad taste. Just have a party without the trimmings of a wedding.

Exceptional circumstances.

Viczaesar · January 2015

Best of luck to you, OP.

lc07 · January 2015

You've received better advice than I could give but I just wanted to add my heartfelt sympathies to you and your family.

ziggybug · January 2015

Thank you to everyone who's offered sympathy - I really appreciate the thought.

Knottie80397943 · February 2015

I came over from WW to read this post. I got married in my fathers hospital room on 1/3 dress and all. He passed on 1/8 from cancer and other ailments. I will still be having my wedding as scheduled in March since it was nearly paid for. Everyone knows we are married, and still wants to see what we had planned for our day to be. Hubs and I have ZERO regrets about our mini wedding with a total of 13 people including us. Almost everyone of those people, and me of course, were crying because the room was full of love, Me and hubs, and me and my Dad. Please do the mini wedding. You will not regret it. If anyone has issues with it, tell them to F.O!

PS thinking of you! From the bottom of my heart and soul, I get it.

WhatawagSBNy · February 2015

Knottie80397943 said:
I came over from WW to read this post. I got married in my fathers hospital room on 1/3 dress and all. He passed on 1/8 from cancer and other ailments. I will still be having my wedding as scheduled in March since it was nearly paid for. Everyone knows we are married, and still wants to see what we had planned for our day to be. Hubs and I have ZERO regrets about our mini wedding with a total of 13 people including us. Almost everyone of those people, and me of course, were crying because the room was full of love, Me and hubs, and me and my Dad. Please do the mini wedding. You will not regret it. If anyone has issues with it, tell them to F.O!

PS thinking of you! From the bottom of my heart and soul, I get it.

*****************
Sorry you have lost your father, a pain I can not know.
I think you are right to go on with your wedding in March. Special circumstances, and your friends and family see that.

When it comes etiquette, the goal is to do things in a way that is respectful of others, and to avoid offending others.
Your friends who know the situation up front approve of your wedding going forward in March, no one will be offended. This is perfect etiquette.

Anyone who says differently, any person not involved, has no standing to object.

novella1186 · February 2015

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I agree that you need to take a few days to just breathe.

When you're able to, call your friends and let them know what's going on. I'd bet they'd be willing to travel to you sooner to go to the local wedding (if I were your friend, I would not hesitate, and I definitely wouldn't be upset that you had to change your plans). You can still put together a beautiful wedding in a short span of time. Especially since you don't have a huge guest list.

Try restaurants or local wineries that have rooms that can accommodate larger groups. Go buy a beautiful dress off the rack, as PP suggested. It will be a beautiful day, especially with your dad there, and you'll still get to marry the love of your life!

Use the Colorado trip as a late honeymoon to go celebrate with friends.

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

lilacck28 · February 2015

Hugs OP.

My mom just said to me "I don't care who is sick or in the hospital... you are getting married the way we have planned. I don't care if I'm the one dying. You go get married, THEN come visit me." So, I know, based on these talks, what my parents would want. You know your parents. Do what you think is best for you and your family.

I don't usually care much about PPDs (they just don't bug me, as long as the bride/ groom don't act like big jerks, even though I know they make others cringe), but I certainly wouldn't bat an eye if you decided to get married with your father present, and then also did some or all of what you've planned in CO. ETA: I also think a wedding you pull together quickly at a restaurant or something could turn out beautifully. Again, do what's best for you and your family.

JellyBean52513 · February 2015

WhatawagSBNy said:

show previous quotes
I came over from WW to read this post. I got married in my fathers hospital room on 1/3 dress and all. He passed on 1/8 from cancer and other ailments. I will still be having my wedding as scheduled in March since it was nearly paid for. Everyone knows we are married, and still wants to see what we had planned for our day to be. Hubs and I have ZERO regrets about our mini wedding with a total of 13 people including us. Almost everyone of those people, and me of course, were crying because the room was full of love, Me and hubs, and me and my Dad. Please do the mini wedding. You will not regret it. If anyone has issues with it, tell them to F.O!

PS thinking of you! From the bottom of my heart and soul, I get it.
***************** Sorry you have lost your father, a pain I can not know. I think you are right to go on with your wedding in March. Special circumstances, and your friends and family see that. When it comes etiquette, the goal is to do things in a way that is respectful of others, and to avoid offending others. Your friends who know the situation up front approve of your wedding going forward in March, no one will be offended. This is perfect etiquette. Anyone who says differently, any person not involved, has no standing to object.

i honestly have to agree with these posts. I'm pretty anti-PPD in most circumstances, but this is one which I could not bring myself to judge the couple for. I'm not a parent, but as I sit here trying to put myself in everyone's shoes for some perspective, I would be eternally grateful if my child managed to arrange a way to get officially married with me present while I'm battling a terminal illness. If I was unable to make it until the day for which they'd originally planned the wedding, I would absolutely want them to carry on with those plans because I would very guilty if I knew they scrapped all of their planning, time, effort, money, and dreams just because I got sick. I'd want my children to have the experience they dreamed of, the wedding they did everything right to plan for, and I wouldn't want any of that to be lost because of my illness.

Again, I'm not a parent. I'm thinking if I was one, or if something similar happened with my sister or brother or someone else very close to me. This also might not be the etiquette-approved response. However, like the bolded above says, this is one of those situations that could hardly offended a reasonable person. As long as you don't blatantly advertise the private ceremony beforehand, and you'll have to forgo any pre-wedding activities such a bachelorette and a shower, I don't think it would be wrong to celebrate the day you originally planned.

dolewhipper · February 2015

OP I know you're shell shocked. And all the PP (esp ShesSo) gave great advise. My only .02 is that my father was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and his original oncologist gave him 6-9 months. He was with us for 7 years. So just remember that we don't always know, and always have faith and love.

All my T & P!

WhatawagSBNy · February 2015

It would be wonderful if OP's father were to get to see his daughter marry in Colorado, too. A gift.

ShesSoCold · February 2015

WhatawagSBNy said:

It would be wonderful if OP's father were to get to see his daughter marry in Colorado, too. A gift.

Of course it would be. But what if he couldn't travel? Personally, I wasn't willing to take that chance. Every day I had with my mom was a gift and I wasn't about to waste it going on vacation.

I'm not implying that the OP should do one thing or the other, but I think it's better to plan for the worst and hope for the best.

graciegra · February 2015

whovianstark said:

I know this isn't etiquette advise but if I knew this situation I would be more than willing to travel to celebrate with you, even if you were already married. I am very sorry to read about your situation.

Yup. As a friend, I wouldn't be bothered in this situation at all. Do what feels right for you. As long as you are transparent that you were already married, I would fully understand why. And most likely, you would want to be talking about the wonderful day you had being married with your father present.

Etiquette: cancer, destination wedding, and NOT having a PPD

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