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Update the talk happened. I need some serious advice from strangers.

SJM7538SJM7538 member
250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited February 2015 in Chit Chat
I'm about to just lose it. I made a post a few days ago about changing my mind on kids and within that post I mentioned H and I have had a really rocky year but things were getting better. or so I thought... you guys I think he has a profile on Ashley Madison. I'm not 100 percent sure but there are things that I feel like are way
to coincidental. when I was at work on Thursday he made a phone call to some random toll free
number. I just got this weird feeling so I googled it... Customer service for Ashley Madison. so thinking maybe it was a wrong number and he called back (that happens right ?) checked his phone and nope he called it. 4 minute phone call. so I searched the site and found a user that lives in our town, has the same age height and wieght as H and his birthday is part of the username. Idk what to do. I mean obviously I think this is him. but I am not 100 percent sure. do I admit I looked at his cell phone bill
and found this info without knowing 100
percent sure. I am wreck. I'm going to just try to nap now I think. and if that doesn't work... drink .
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Re: Update the talk happened. I need some serious advice from strangers.

  • wandajune6wandajune6 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I see 2 issues here:

    1. You think he's cheating
    2. You don't trust him.

    In all honesty, I think the fact that you don't trust him is a bigger issue than the cheating. If you don't trust him, you don't have the basis for a healthy relationship. Trust is hard to fix. I also think that it's harder to get over broken trust than infidelity.

    Ashley Madison aside, it sounds like there's something in your gut that makes you think he's hiding something from you. I'd try to examine the source of those feelings.

    Good luck!
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    OMG I'm so so sorry.  If you're pretty sure he's on the site, I guess you have to talk to him.  Is there any way you can look at his cc statement to see if he's paid them (is it a paying site?).  Do you think he's met anyone off the site?  I don't know if I really have much advice for you, but I am so sorry.

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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @dcbride86‌ his bank statement came in a few days ago for his separate account and I looked and there was nothing on it. I pay the bills and there is nothing in the CC statements.
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Oh my. Listen, this doesn't sound good.

    But let me just say that your larger problem here is that you don't feel you can trust your husband. Whether or not he has an innocent reason for calling Ashley Madison (I mean, it's not super likely but it is possible), the biggest problem is that you are afraid for your relationship.

    Is there anyone you can confide in in real life? This is awful to contemplate, but I do think you will need some support before you can decide what next steps to take. 

    I am sorry. Sending you virtual hugs.
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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    and I honestly don't know if he has or not. I noticed that we were going over our monthly data allowance by a lot recently with our phones so I signed in to check the usage break down and change our plan. I was looking at Hs phone line bc he was the one using most of the data. I thought maybe it was due to his shift change and he doesn't have wifi at work. I saw the phone number and just got a bad feeling so I googled it.
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  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Talk to him.

    Let him know you are questioning trust. Let him know that you feel like there is something going on that you don't know about. Let him know you want to fix things (assuming you do) before things are too late. Don't yell at him, be accusatory, etc. BUT let him know how you feel. How do you think he would react to a calm conversation that's direct about how you feel?
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    You have to talk to him. I mean, you aren't going to get anywhere ignoring how you feel.

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  • Couggal12Couggal12 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I just want to say I am really sorry you're going through this.

    I think an issue is even if this was some weird fluke, and he's not on this site, you're still convinced he's cheating. That's a huge issue and you need to talk to him about it. You also need to consider if this is something you can work through. Personally I don't believe I could go through life if I was worried my DH was cheating on me. 

    Wishing you tons of luck. 
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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    abbyj700 said:

    Talk to him.


    Let him know you are questioning trust. Let him know that you feel like there is something going on that you don't know about. Let him know you want to fix things (assuming you do) before things are too late. Don't yell at him, be accusatory, etc. BUT let him know how you feel. How do you think he would react to a calm conversation that's direct about how you feel?
    If it is him on this site that would be it for me. we've had a very rough year and he shuts down when I try to talk to him. he only recently starting opening up and talking but it still hasn't been ideal. mostly it's me talking and him saying he's fine and he is happy and I'm worrying over nothing... although he acts the opposite of happy. or he was anyway
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I had to google what Ashley Madison was, and once i figured it out all I thought was "Oh no, honey I'm sorry."

    I am sorry. Sorry if he does have an account, and sorry for the way it is making you feel.

    I agree with what PPs are saying. You should talk to him. I know it's going to be hard, but try not to be angry when you do it. Just bring it up in a conversation like, Hey I noticed that we were going over our data so I was trying to change our plan and noticed this number and this is what it is and I want to hear from you what it is and why before I come to conclusions.

    Listen to him. Let him talk. Your feelings may end up hurt, but in my opinion it's better to know how he's feeling and why than it is to not know.

    I have hugs for you.
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Do you have access to his phone? I would imagine he has the app on his phone if he has an account. I would want o find out as much as I could before I confronted him for fear of him wiping all the evidence and telling me I was paranoid.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Yikes. I definitely agree with PPs that even if he's not on the site, the lack of trust needs to be addressed. I'd talk to him, say you feel like he's hiding something from you and there's a lack of honest communication, and you don't like feeling this way. See if he'll open up. If he gets super defensive and goes on the attack, that's a bad sign.

    I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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  • charcoalandblushcharcoalandblush member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Couggal12 said:
    I just want to say I am really sorry you're going through this.

    I think an issue is even if this was some weird fluke, and he's not on this site, you're still convinced he's cheating. That's a huge issue and you need to talk to him about it. You also need to consider if this is something you can work through. Personally I don't believe I could go through life if I was worried my DH was cheating on me. 

    Wishing you tons of luck. 

    And it's possible that it is a fluke. My sophomore year of college I had $200 of charges from dating sites randomly show up on my credit card statement. And I had to call both (for several minutes each) to dispute the charges. I have a close family member who had stolen from me before. I suspect he used my card to pay for the subscriptions, but other than calling the sites and my CC company to dispute the charges, I didn't pursue it any further (wasn't worth potentially dragging this family member, and other innocent family members, through the gutter when I got the charges taken off anyway).

    I agree with PPs, the bigger issue is the trust thing. You need to talk to him about this ASAP.

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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    ohannabelle said:
    SJM7538 said:
    I'm about to just lose it. I made a post a few days ago about changing my mind on kids and within that post I mentioned H and I have had a really rocky year but things were getting better. or so I thought... you guys I think he has a profile on Ashley Madison. I'm not 100 percent sure but there are things that I feel like are way to coincidental. when I was at work on Thursday he made a phone call to some random toll free number. I just got this weird feeling so I googled it... Customer service for Ashley Madison. so thinking maybe it was a wrong number and he called back (that happens right ?) checked his phone and nope he called it. 4 minute phone call. so I searched the site and found a user that lives in our town, has the same age height and wieght as H and his birthday is part of the username. Idk what to do. I mean obviously I think this is him. but I am not 100 percent sure. do I admit I looked at his cell phone bill and found this info without knowing 100 percent sure. I am wreck. I'm going to just try to nap now I think. and if that doesn't work... drink .
    I'd catfish him, or get a close friend to do it. See if that Ashley Madison profile guy sends a picture or sets up a meeting. 

    If he's a liar or cheater, there's absolutely no point in asking him, because liars will simply lie their way out of it, and you still don't know, and now you've tipped them off so they can be even sneakier.
    Catfish him. Not from your own phone or IP address. 

    If you're wrong, you can get busy working on your trust issues. 
    I am so sorry that you are going through with this. I agree with this. Liars/cheaters will lie and manipulate you to their advantage. 

    I once "catfished" an old high school boyfriend. I can't remember the details on how I reeled him in, but I had a friend give him her pager number. He would page her, and then she would 3 way call him with me on the line. He still tried to lie his way out of it, even when caught red handed. Had I not heard everything with my own ears, I would have believed him because he was that convincing.

    I do hope that things work out for the best, and that either this is a fluke, or that he was just on the site out of pure curiosity or something. 
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  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Oh man, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  PLEASE talk to him- that's the very first step.  Everything else, you'll figure out- and handle- as it comes.  But you have to get the conversation started....  

    I wish you so much luck.  Please keep us posted.  Sending hugs...
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2015
    Same as I thought last time when you got mad I said it sounded like your relationship was not in any shape for kids, I think that if he's not interested in talking to you about this, and won't go to counseling, then you should be planning how to leave this relationship. It's not good.

    ETA: I think catfishing him is just terrible advice. It's a great way to indulge in some fun drama but either way it's not going to solve your problems.
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  • amelishaamelisha member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    All of the following with the assumption that you two are not in any kind of open relationship, which I feel safe assuming given your reaction to this...

    While I don't normally like the sneaky stuff, in this case I do think catfishing him would be the best way to know if he is actually following through on any of this, or just signed up out of curiosity and hasn't actually done anything yet. 

    However, regardless of whether he has cheated yet or not, you two definitely have two very serious problems: you don't/can't trust him and he is at least considering infidelity (and that infidelity sounds like it's a manifestation of his unhappiness with the relationship.) This is at the very least serious enough to warrant major discussion and probably professional help, and possibly serious enough to be marriage-ending.

    From the sounds of it here and on your previous thread...I don't think cheating is always grounds for divorce, but in a case like this I'd learn towards the marriage-ending side.

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  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry to hear about this. I agree you need to talk to him, but I question if you'd believe him if he denies it. Would you believe him?? If not, and you want to try and make it work I really think you need to look for professional help cos you two seem to have some big trust issues to work through. I don't know that people can really overcome big trust issues on their own. Good luck

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think PPs have covered things well concerning what to do. I just wanted to offer hugs.
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    photokitty said:
    Do you have access to his phone? I would imagine he has the app on his phone if he has an account. I would want o find out as much as I could before I confronted him for fear of him wiping all the evidence and telling me I was paranoid.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.
    Speaking as someone who once went through a SOs phone when I thought he was cheating on me.  Don't do it.  Invading his privacy and betraying his trust isn't right, even if he is betraying your trust in another way.  It ruined my relationship. (He wasn't cheating, that I ever discovered, but the damage was done when I went through his stuff.)  I know its hard not to skulk around and try and find evidence while being sneaky, but it really is better if you confront him.  If you aren't comfortable doing it on your own, maybe go see a couples counselor?  I'm sorry that you have to go through this. 
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    ohannabelle said:
    SJM7538 said:
    I'm about to just lose it. I made a post a few days ago about changing my mind on kids and within that post I mentioned H and I have had a really rocky year but things were getting better. or so I thought... you guys I think he has a profile on Ashley Madison. I'm not 100 percent sure but there are things that I feel like are way to coincidental. when I was at work on Thursday he made a phone call to some random toll free number. I just got this weird feeling so I googled it... Customer service for Ashley Madison. so thinking maybe it was a wrong number and he called back (that happens right ?) checked his phone and nope he called it. 4 minute phone call. so I searched the site and found a user that lives in our town, has the same age height and wieght as H and his birthday is part of the username. Idk what to do. I mean obviously I think this is him. but I am not 100 percent sure. do I admit I looked at his cell phone bill and found this info without knowing 100 percent sure. I am wreck. I'm going to just try to nap now I think. and if that doesn't work... drink .
    I'd catfish him, or get a close friend to do it. See if that Ashley Madison profile guy sends a picture or sets up a meeting. 

    If he's a liar or cheater, there's absolutely no point in asking him, because liars will simply lie their way out of it, and you still don't know, and now you've tipped them off so they can be even sneakier.
    Catfish him. Not from your own phone or IP address. 

    If you're wrong, you can get busy working on your trust issues. 
    I don't know if this is what a therapist would say is the right thing to do, but this is what I would do too. If this is him, he'd likely lie to get out of it. If he goes to meet up with some chick and it turns out to be you in the hotel room, you have proof. This entire situation NEEDS to be addressed, whether he's cheating or not. 

    Regardless, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm sending hugs. 
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  • tcnobletcnoble member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    melbenso said:
    photokitty said:
    Do you have access to his phone? I would imagine he has the app on his phone if he has an account. I would want o find out as much as I could before I confronted him for fear of him wiping all the evidence and telling me I was paranoid.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.
    Speaking as someone who once went through a SOs phone when I thought he was cheating on me.  Don't do it.  Invading his privacy and betraying his trust isn't right, even if he is betraying your trust in another way.  It ruined my relationship. (He wasn't cheating, that I ever discovered, but the damage was done when I went through his stuff.)  I know its hard not to skulk around and try and find evidence while being sneaky, but it really is better if you confront him.  If you aren't comfortable doing it on your own, maybe go see a couples counselor?  I'm sorry that you have to go through this. 
    This. The invasion of privacy on either end is just enough to make everything go haywire. Your trust in him was in jeopardy the second you felt you had to go looking around.. and his trust in you will be broken because you snooped and didn't talk to him about it.

    What he has to say may not be what you want to hear, but it will (truthfully) feel SO much better once you get it all out there. It's better than walking on eggshells and wondering. Hugs to you!!!
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I have no advice the PPs haven't covered. I just wanted to give you internet hugs. Whatever happens, do what's best for you. Anything else will likely leave you miserable.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    novella1186 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    ohannabelle said:
    SJM7538 said:
    I'm about to just lose it. I made a post a few days ago about changing my mind on kids and within that post I mentioned H and I have had a really rocky year but things were getting better. or so I thought... you guys I think he has a profile on Ashley Madison. I'm not 100 percent sure but there are things that I feel like are way to coincidental. when I was at work on Thursday he made a phone call to some random toll free number. I just got this weird feeling so I googled it... Customer service for Ashley Madison. so thinking maybe it was a wrong number and he called back (that happens right ?) checked his phone and nope he called it. 4 minute phone call. so I searched the site and found a user that lives in our town, has the same age height and wieght as H and his birthday is part of the username. Idk what to do. I mean obviously I think this is him. but I am not 100 percent sure. do I admit I looked at his cell phone bill and found this info without knowing 100 percent sure. I am wreck. I'm going to just try to nap now I think. and if that doesn't work... drink .
    I'd catfish him, or get a close friend to do it. See if that Ashley Madison profile guy sends a picture or sets up a meeting. 

    If he's a liar or cheater, there's absolutely no point in asking him, because liars will simply lie their way out of it, and you still don't know, and now you've tipped them off so they can be even sneakier.
    Catfish him. Not from your own phone or IP address. 

    If you're wrong, you can get busy working on your trust issues. 
    I don't know if this is what a therapist would say is the right thing to do, but this is what I would do too. If this is him, he'd likely lie to get out of it. If he goes to meet up with some chick and it turns out to be you in the hotel room, you have proof. This entire situation NEEDS to be addressed, whether he's cheating or not. 

    Regardless, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm sending hugs. 
    Even then, it's not proof. I've known guys like this, and they'll lie as much as they need to to avoid taking any accountability. I'd almost bet he would say he KNEW it was his wife talking to him online all along, so that's why he met up with her. 

    The further you go for "proof," the more you've violated their trust and privacy, so now you're committing the same wrong that you're angry at them for. It's best (I think) to just be straight-forward, cut the bullshit, and have a very honest conversation. 
    Yeah, see, this is something I thought of too. Would I want to catfish him and catch him in the act? Hell yes, I would want to catch that lying filthy bastard. BUT at the same time, I would not want to be on a site like that myself, because if it's NOT him - by some bizarre, Twilight-Zone fluke - then what do you say? I can't see coming out of that one at all without being at least on the same level as him, if not lower. 
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    themosthappy91 said:
    tcnoble said:

    melbenso said:
    photokitty said:
    Do you have access to his phone? I would imagine he has the app on his phone if he has an account. I would want o find out as much as I could before I confronted him for fear of him wiping all the evidence and telling me I was paranoid.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this.
    Speaking as someone who once went through a SOs phone when I thought he was cheating on me.  Don't do it.  Invading his privacy and betraying his trust isn't right, even if he is betraying your trust in another way.  It ruined my relationship. (He wasn't cheating, that I ever discovered, but the damage was done when I went through his stuff.)  I know its hard not to skulk around and try and find evidence while being sneaky, but it really is better if you confront him.  If you aren't comfortable doing it on your own, maybe go see a couples counselor?  I'm sorry that you have to go through this. 
    This. The invasion of privacy on either end is just enough to make everything go haywire. Your trust in him was in jeopardy the second you felt you had to go looking around.. and his trust in you will be broken because you snooped and didn't talk to him about it.

    What he has to say may not be what you want to hear, but it will (truthfully) feel SO much better once you get it all out there. It's better than walking on eggshells and wondering. Hugs to you!!!
    The thing is, it seems like she HAS tried to talk to him about it.  She specifically says she's tried to talk to him about it and he just shuts down.  It's all well and good to say "you need to talk this out" or "you should look into couple's counseling" but that doesn't really apply when he's clearly unwilling to participate.  

    She's said that if he's cheating she's done with this relationship, so I would snoop in her shoes because I don't think she's likely to get a satisfying answer she can base her decision on if she doesn't.  Catfish him, look through his phone, whatever- the point is you need to know the truth and I doubt you're going to get it if you sit down to talk to him without any evidence to force it out of him.  He's just going to brush you off like he has before.  

    I just think maybe other people on here recommending talking to him straightaway and "getting it all out on the table" don't realize how unrealistic that is if someone is a cheater and a liar.  He will deny deny deny, and then delete all the evidence.  And in the (extremely unlikely, in my opinion) event that he really isn't hiding anything?  He needs to understand that his behavior and unwillingness to talk has in part driven you to this point and take responsibility for that be agreeing to see a counselor to work on your issues.  
    Yup.
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