Wedding Etiquette Forum

Couple's Shower Guest List Etiquette

2»

Re: Couple's Shower Guest List Etiquette

  • I have no idea how many friends and relatives each of you have, or how many people you can put on the guest list for this shower. Is it 10 people or 50? Does he have a few immediate relatives, and a big bunch of distant relatives? How about you?

    I think if you're only having one shower, you would typically invite your grandparents, parents, and siblings, and also his grandparents, parents, and siblings, and the members of the bridal party (i.e. your best friends). If there are really close aunts/uncles/family friends that you really consider a member of the immediate family, you would put them on the list as well. If you have extra room to invite more, then you get to decide if you're inviting more relatives or more friends or what.
  • Viczaesar said:
    bleidig said:
    None of my friends are coming, my grandparents have time shares in Hawaii and some of my family members are treating it like a vacation, but also attending a wedding. Again, thank you for everyone that gave me helpful advice.
    The point missed you by a mile.  PP said this: "And frankly since you decided to have a super expensive destination wedding that none of your FI's family can attend maybe they didn't feel like throwing you a party. I wouldn't."

    You then complained that the wedding wasn't expensive, and that it's actually costing you less than a local wedding would. 

    I pointed out that YOU are the one saving money at the expense of your guests, who have to pay a lot  more to attend your wedding than they would if it were local (or at least in the contiguous states).

    Now you're responding by talking about your family that is coming because they can afford the increased expense (either by using their timeshare vacation time or by making it into an official vacation trip and use vacation money that would otherwise be used differently), and completely missing the point about your FI's family NOT being able to afford to come to your expensive (to them) destination wedding and how that might have negatively affected their desire to throw you a shower.  Get it now?


    What she said. I live in Hawaii and while it would be a lot less expensive for me to have our wedding here, we're having it on the mainland because that's where our family and friends are. Having it in Hawaii would price out a lot of pepole we want with us on our wedding day.

    I noticed you said they mentioned they wouldn't even go if it was in VA. Is it possible there are some other underlying issues going on between you and them? Or were they just trying to manipulate you into having it in KY? Either way, that seems like a bigger issue than them not wanting to throw you a shower. I'm surprised you were even expecting them to after they said they wouldn't come to your wedding in the first place?

     

  • I am not hurt, it is just that I know a lot of bride's that had their FIL's and family throw them each a shower, so I didn't know if that was what I was suppose to expect. I am definitely more hurt that none of them, even the ones that are financially stable are not willing to come to our wedding. I know it is an expensive flight and trip, but my FI has lived in Virginia for 5 years and the only family member that has visited him was his mom a few months ago. I think we might just invite women and I still need to talk to my FI, but I am pretty sure that he will be on board about just inviting his mom, grandma, sister, sister in-law, one of his aunts, and two of his cousins. Also a couple of his female friends, but I don't know for sure who will actually come on his side of the family. My mom and sister want to try and keep it under 30, preferably 25 guests. No, I don't think there are any issues between his family and I. I mean the only thing I can think of is my FI is the only one that has actually moved away from KY. The thing is my mom is the only one paying for the wedding and my FI and I are going to help as much as we can.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


  • bleidig said:
    I am not hurt, it is just that I know a lot of bride's that had their FIL's and family throw them each a shower, so I didn't know if that was what I was suppose to expect. I am definitely more hurt that none of them, even the ones that are financially stable are not willing to come to our wedding. I know it is an expensive flight and trip, but my FI has lived in Virginia for 5 years and the only family member that has visited him was his mom a few months ago. I think we might just invite women and I still need to talk to my FI, but I am pretty sure that he will be on board about just inviting his mom, grandma, sister, sister in-law, one of his aunts, and two of his cousins. Also a couple of his female friends, but I don't know for sure who will actually come on his side of the family. My mom and sister want to try and keep it under 30, preferably 25 guests. No, I don't think there are any issues between his family and I. I mean the only thing I can think of is my FI is the only one that has actually moved away from KY. The thing is my mom is the only one paying for the wedding and my FI and I are going to help as much as we can.

    You cannot be hurt that people will not fly to Hawaii. I would only do that for one of my siblings, and even then I would (in my mind) be like "really?" Otherwise, I don't have the vacation time or the money. It doesn't mean I don't care about the people getting married. I just can't rearrange my finances for the whole year based upon it.

    I agree that your FI's family cannot complain that they never see you if they are never willing to travel to you. But sometimes you have to take into account that travel is a lot easier for younger people than for older relatives.

  • I always love it when brides assume to know the financial details and budget restrictions of other people, be it their bridesmaids who should be able to afford a certain dress or their guests who are  unwilling to travel for a destination wedding.
    image
  • I have to wonder what "I know they're financially stable" even means.

    *Could* DH and I swing a trip to Hawaii??   Yeah probably.   Is that something that's in the cards for us right now?   Not even close.    


  • bleidig said:
    I am not hurt, it is just that I know a lot of bride's that had their FIL's and family throw them each a shower, so I didn't know if that was what I was suppose to expect. I am definitely more hurt that none of them, even the ones that are financially stable are not willing to come to our wedding. I know it is an expensive flight and trip, but my FI has lived in Virginia for 5 years and the only family member that has visited him was his mom a few months ago. I think we might just invite women and I still need to talk to my FI, but I am pretty sure that he will be on board about just inviting his mom, grandma, sister, sister in-law, one of his aunts, and two of his cousins. Also a couple of his female friends, but I don't know for sure who will actually come on his side of the family. My mom and sister want to try and keep it under 30, preferably 25 guests. No, I don't think there are any issues between his family and I. I mean the only thing I can think of is my FI is the only one that has actually moved away from KY. The thing is my mom is the only one paying for the wedding and my FI and I are going to help as much as we can.
    To the first bolded, my FI and I are in a good financial position. And that's because we DON'T take trips to Hawaii. When we go on vacation, it's planned way in advance and we save for that one specific vacation, and can't afford any other big trips besides that, because all our extra money is going into savings so we can eventually buy a house. And even if we could easily afford the trip to Hawaii, I wouldn't take the vacation time and spend that much on some distant relative I never see or speak to, because why? Your wedding won't be as huge and important to anyone else as it is to you and your FI. 

    Not to sound cold-hearted, but when my distant relatives that I never even see get married, I don't really care. The last one was on the other side of the country, and I could afford to go, but I would've had to miss some classes in my first semester of grad school plus miss out on homework/study time, and I could not swing that. So I declined. 

    Other people's finances and what they can or can't afford, and what they are or are not willing to do with those finances is really none of your business. And there's no way for you to really know whether or not they can afford something like a trip to Hawaii. With airfare and a hotel, that's easily well over $1,000 for 2 people. And that is not pocket change. 

    To the second bolded, no one visits him but has he visited any of them? Relationships are a two-way street. I have cousins that live on the other side of the country who have never been to my house, and have only been to my parents' house maybe twice in the last 20 years. The last time I went out to see them was sometime around 1992 when I was little and my parents took me, so it wasn't even my choice. We see each other once every few years at family reunions, and we stay in touch via facebook, texting, whatever we have time for. If none of them make it to my wedding, that is totally fine. It's a long way to travel, it's expensive, it takes time, and I have never bothered to travel to them. Even though I'd consider us close, they don't owe it to me by any means. 
    image
  • We try to visit his family as much as we can, typically twice a year. I recently graduated college and in the last 8 months my FI has had three surgeries. No one owes me anything. We don't regret having our wedding in Hawaii and this is why we are having a second reception in KY for everyone that cannot attend our wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


  • bleidig said:
    We try to visit his family as much as we can, typically twice a year. I recently graduated college and in the last 8 months my FI has had three surgeries. No one owes me anything. We don't regret having our wedding in Hawaii and this is why we are having a second reception in KY for everyone that cannot attend our wedding.

    Here's the thing, though. You don't have to regret having your wedding in Hawaii - not at all. That's totally within your rights to decide.

    And just like you can't be mad if people won't fly there, you also can't be mad if people really don't care about your second reception in KY.

    Take me as an example guest: I didn't get to participate in your wedding because I chose not to fly to Hawaii, but that means I missed your wedding. Happens with a lot of weddings of people I know. I wish you well, but I'm not THAT excited about you getting married that I feel the need to celebrate you and your husband with a "consolation prize" party.

    Ditto this. I had a friend who just got married in Mexico, and it would have cost me almost $3,000 to make the trip, plus I'd have to use vacation time I can't really afford to use (I need it for my own wedding in 3 months) so I had to miss her wedding. I sent her a gift, wished her well, I was excited for her, but now her wedding is done and over and that's that. 

    She's having a "big reception" this summer for everyone who didn't get to go to Mexico for the wedding. I likely will not go to the big reception, because why? I already missed the wedding. I don't need the sequel of something that already happened, and it's still out of town for me, so it would still require some travel and I'd have to give up a weekend for it. I don't really feel like going through all that for a consolation party after the fact. Nope. 

    You have 0 reasons to regret making the wedding plans you made, but you also have to understand that by having a DW, some people will just not be able to make it, and probably will be ok with the fact that they missed the celebration. That's fine. 
    image
  • My FI family is excited that we are having a second reception and it's going to be right in their neck of the woods.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


  • bleidig said:
    My FI family is excited that we are having a second reception and it's going to be right in their neck of the woods.
    A 'reception' is what you have when you RECEIVE your guests immediately after your wedding ceremony.  This second event is a party.  I hope you'll have a great one, but it's not a reception.
  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited January 2015
    bleidig said:
    My FI family is excited that we are having a second reception and it's going to be right in their neck of the woods.
    That's great. I'm just saying that there will be people who won't bother to come to this party either, and you can't be "hurt" about it ("Because we made this so convenient!") like you were "hurt" above that they wouldn't bother to come to your wedding in Hawaii.

    etf boxes
  • Just women, and just the people very close to the bride, plus maybe a few on grooms side like MOG or aunts or grandmother, is traditional for a shower.

    And in the minds of lots of people, such a small intimate group of around 25 or less is a lot more enjoyable than a big shower where 60 people sit at tables in a restaurant and watch a bride to be spend up to 4 minutes (which is rushing things) per gift and still go at it for about 3 hours straight, or longer .
  • Thank you everyone. My FI and I have decided on just having a bridal shower. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards