Future in-laws refuse to participate

genxquilter · February 2015

My future husband is becoming Catholic. He was raised Baptist, but no one is his immediate family attends any kind of church. We checked with our priest to see if they could participate and do readings or carry up the gifts. He said, "Absolutely. They are welcome to do so." So we asked his sister to do a reading. She said she has "anxiety in front of people." A lie. We asked is his niece, 9, and nephew, 16, would like to carry the gifts. Again, no. Okay, fine, they are not comfortable participating in the Mass itself. His mother told him that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Catholic. He explained, again, that we has talked to the priest and he okay'd everything. She said, "We'll have to think about it." Today, he asked if his nephew would like to be an usher. No religious connection at all. Again, no. I'm really hurt they are refusing to participate in our wedding.

His mother and sister have not asked me at all about the shower my sister is having, or if they could help in any way. At this point, the odds of them even showing up for my bridal shower are slim to none. It is the same day his brother will be in town for Easter and I'm pretty sure that will be their excuse.

lilacck28 · February 2015

genxquilter said:

My future husband is becoming Catholic. He was raised Baptist, but no one is his immediate family attends any kind of church. We checked with our priest to see if they could participate and do readings or carry up the gifts. He said, "Absolutely. They are welcome to do so." So we asked his sister to do a reading. She said she has "anxiety in front of people." A lie. We asked is his niece, 9, and nephew, 16, would like to carry the gifts. Again, no. Okay, fine, they are not comfortable participating in the Mass itself. His mother told him that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Catholic. He explained, again, that we has talked to the priest and he okay'd everything. She said, "We'll have to think about it." Today, he asked if his nephew would like to be an usher. No religious connection at all. Again, no. I'm really hurt they are refusing to participate in our wedding.
His mother and sister have not asked me at all about the shower my sister is having, or if they could help in any way. At this point, the odds of them even showing up for my bridal shower are slim to none. It is the same day his brother will be in town for Easter and I'm pretty sure that will be their excuse.

I'm sorry they aren't participating. I know that can be hurtful. But that's their right. Maybe they're uncomfortable with the Mass/ conversion as you imply, or maybe they just don't want the imposition of extra time spent/ getting a particular outfit/ walking down an aisle. And how do you know his sister doesn't have anxiety about speaking in front of people? You don't.

So, basically, it's disappointing, but they are not doing anything wrong. Do your best not to dwell on it, because you can't change it. Try to find and focus on the positive aspects of your relationships, for the sake of your relationship with them as well as with your FI. I know that's easier said than done, but... still the truth.

My FI's mom has said numerous times how silly my "big" wedding is, that she would have done a 10 person lunch and been done with it. Weddings just aren't her deal, she sees them as overly extravagant, and she didn't mean to be hurtful. She's just blunt. I definitely still feel hurt, but I don't hold it against her, and I've learned to make that hurt go away pretty quickly by appreciating the other kind things she does.

CMGragain · February 2015

You need to understand that many Protestants do not understand that there is so much similarity in the Protestant and Catholic Christian faiths. Your FILs may be victim of some wrong ideas that were taught to them when they were children. This isn't personal. They may be relieved to learn that, except for the mass, the marriage ceremonies are so very similar.
Some prejudices are hard to dismiss. Others can be overcome with knowledge and understanding. Do not take this personally. Continue to extend invitations to them and try to be patient.

flantastic · February 2015

That's sad, especially as a Catholic myself, but the only thing you can do is just keep offering. Sometimes when conversion is involved people react in hurtful or illogical ways; but they don't actually have to accept any offers of involvement to be a supportive family.

Also, they don't need to offer to help with the bridal shower - it's your sister hosting and her responsibility because she offered. I wouldn't if I were your FMIL and FSIL, for one because I wouldn't want to step on any toes and for another, because I think showers are silly and don't like them.

Jen4948 · February 2015

That's sad, but are they turning their backs outside all wedding-related contexts or threatening not even to attend the wedding as well? If that's the case, then you have a huge red flag. If it's just in the context of the wedding ceremony, then although it hurts, it's probably best just to accept that they don't want to participate. The issue might be the Catholicism, but it might also be just that they aren't into weddings-even those of family members.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.

MairePoppy · February 2015

It's okay with your priest for the FILs to participate in the ways you've outlined, but if they're not comfortable, it's their right to decline. Please don't take it personally.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

STARMOON44 · February 2015

You're seriously annoyed that his non church going family doesn't want to participate in a Mass and that they won't be able to attend your shower because they don't want to miss out on your fiances brother's visit?

sophhabobopha · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

Personally, I would also decline to be a part of any religious ceremony I don't believe in. So while it might be okay for me to do a reading from the Bible or carry gifts, I wouldn't because it seems ... false? I'm not sure how to put it. I don't think my non-catholic ass would have any place in a catholic mass. At religious family functions I tend to hang out in the back because I don't drawing any attention to my lack of religion / feel like an interloper.

As to the usher situation, I'm not surprised a teenager would have reservations about putting on a nice outfit and escorting people to their seats. And the shower is just a silly party in the end, you need to not even think about that.

Me, too.

banana468 · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:
I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.

These are roles commonly suggested as ways you can honor someone not in the BP. Bringing up the gifts isn't about tranporting wedding presents. It's a part of the mass.

climbingsingle · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.

Totally agree with this. I was raised Catholic and am no longer. I wouldn't want to be included in the ceremony at all, either doing a reading or carrying up the gifts. No thank you. As someone that no longer practices, I would feel very uncomfortable doing those things.

Technically, they really shouldn't be asking you anything about the shower. You're not the one planning it. And they're not required to help. Maybe they're assuming your sister has it all covered.

mikenberger · February 2015

genxquilter said:

My future husband is becoming Catholic. He was raised Baptist, but no one is his immediate family attends any kind of church. We checked with our priest to see if they could participate and do readings or carry up the gifts. He said, "Absolutely. They are welcome to do so." So we asked his sister to do a reading. She said she has "anxiety in front of people." A lie. We asked is his niece, 9, and nephew, 16, would like to carry the gifts. Again, no. Okay, fine, they are not comfortable participating in the Mass itself. His mother told him that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Catholic. He explained, again, that we has talked to the priest and he okay'd everything. She said, "We'll have to think about it." Today, he asked if his nephew would like to be an usher. No religious connection at all. Again, no. I'm really hurt they are refusing to participate in our wedding.
His mother and sister have not asked me at all about the shower my sister is having, or if they could help in any way. At this point, the odds of them even showing up for my bridal shower are slim to none. It is the same day his brother will be in town for Easter and I'm pretty sure that will be their excuse.

So they don't want to participate in your religious ceremony (even if they're not partaking in the religion part itself) and they possibly will not be attending a shower they're not hosting because their son/brother will be in town?

Yeah. Man. They're the worst. I would strongly reconsider joining a family that refuses to make me the center of their universe.

It's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be. While it would be nice to have that Hallmark two families become one business, it's not real life. Not everybody gets that or has to have that to have a successful marriage.

lovegood90 · February 2015

genxquilter said:

My future husband is becoming Catholic. He was raised Baptist, but no one is his immediate family attends any kind of church. We checked with our priest to see if they could participate and do readings or carry up the gifts. He said, "Absolutely. They are welcome to do so." So we asked his sister to do a reading. She said she has "anxiety in front of people." A lie. How is this a lie? Even if it is, it's her right to decide for herself if she wants to participate or not.
We asked is his niece, 9, and nephew, 16, would like to carry the gifts. Again, no. Okay, fine, they are not comfortable participating in the Mass itself. His mother told him that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Catholic. He explained, again, that we has talked to the priest and he okay'd everything. She said, "We'll have to think about it." Again, this is their right. As an atheist myself, I would be very uncomfortable participating in a mass. And if someone was offended by that or insisted, well frankly then they'd be offending ME and MY beliefs. This isn't all about you. They're allowed to refuse to participate in the mass even if they WERE catholic.
Today, he asked if his nephew would like to be an usher. No religious connection at all. Again, no. I'm really hurt they are refusing to participate in our wedding. Again, they don't have any obligations to participate if they don't want to. I get that you're hurt, but unfortunately you're just going to have to move on. Just because they're uncomfortable participating doesn't mean they aren't happy to attend your wedding or that they love you guys any less.
His mother and sister have not asked me at all about the shower my sister is having, or if they could help in any way. They have no obligations to do this. Let this go. You are coming across as quite entitled here. At this point, the odds of them even showing up for my bridal shower are slim to none. They don't have to attend any pre-wedding parties if they don't want to. It is the same day his brother will be in town for Easter and I'm pretty sure that will be their excuse. Regardless of their "excuse," this is a pretty "valid" one. Of course their brother/son being in town trumps a party where they get to sit around and watch you open gifts! Seriously, you need to reel it in and get over yourself a bit lest you risk ruining relationships with your FILs.

redoryx · February 2015

Dreamergirl8812 said:

I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.

The "gifts" being carried at a Catholic Mass aren't presents. They are the bread and wine used in communion.

That being said, I was raised Lutheran but am agnostic. My father was raised Catholic and most of his siblings still are and even though I've attended many many Catholic masses (including seeing my cousin ordained) I would still decline any offers to assist in a mass or Catholic wedding. It's nothing personal, it just doesn't make me comfortable for the reasons some have already outlined. I carried the gifts at my grandmother's funeral. I was 10 and didn't really have a choice in the matter but even then I felt really uncomfortable doing so you can bet 20 years later I'd turn it down.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

You need to get over this. They don't want to participate in your wedding ceremony and instead would rather just be a guest. This is completely fine and 100% their choice. So instead of dwelling on the fact that they don't want to participate you need to accept their decision and move on.

As for the shower, they don't have to help with it or even attend if they have something else going on.

I think you are taking all of this way too personally.

Vivandiere8 · February 2015

I can understand how hearing all those "Nos" would be disappointing when you are trying to get your new family involved in the ceremony, but when it comes to such things it is better to assume the best than the worst for your own peace of mine. Like people said, if they are uncomfortable with the religious aspects that is their prerogative, but some of the refusals might not even be about that.

I am a practicing Catholic myself. I have acted and performed on stage all my life. but for some reason I know that having to get up in the middle of a wedding ceremony to do a reading would actually be uncomfortable for me. There is something different about having all eyes on just me, reading something, and I know before that time came in the ceremony I would be really distracted with over thinking it instead of enjoying the ceremony. If someone asked me to do it for their wedding I would say yes, but probably secretly wish I wasn't doing it. So your sister in law could be honest about that.

With the Usher thing, When my sister got married her husband to be asked my brother in his young teens to be a groomsman. My brother said thank you but no. Fast forward ten years later when I get married my brother (who did say yes when my husbanded asked him to be a groomsman) tells me he feels so stupid for turning down his other brother in law, but says as a young teen he didn't really know what that mean, didn't get the significance, thought he was just sort of being asked if he wanted to do a job he didn't really understand, and basically would rewind time if he could and say yes.

So basically it might be a mix of reasons that is making it look like a conspiracy when it isn't.

lnixon8 · February 2015

If your sister (you?) planned a shower the day before Easter she should expect a decent amount of people to miss it because of the holiday.

WhatawagSBNy · February 2015

lnixon8 said:
If your sister (you?) planned a shower the day before Easter she should expect a decent amount of people to miss it because of the holiday.

-------------------
Lots of people will not party at all just before Easter. Whether they observe either 6 weeks of Lent, or just Holy Week (more common), this is a time they will not come even if nothing is on their calendar.

Unfortunately, for years, many Protestant denominations which started in revolt against Catholicism, fed prejudice against Catholics and decried even entering what they termed, a papist church.

Lots of older people still remember that, and it may take a little talking from FI to convince his mother that she can be an onlooker ( sit quietly and politely while others do the rituals) and not be expected to participate at all in the ceremony. Her role would be to witness it only. She may not realize it, and it could be one source of her discomfort.

short+sassy · February 2015

banana468 said:

I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.
These are roles commonly suggested as ways you can honor someone not in the BP. Bringing up the gifts isn't about tranporting wedding presents. It's a part of the mass.

Thanks for confirming that. At first I read it like wedding presents, but it didn't make sense those would be carried up the aisle. So then I assumed it must be a part of the wedding mass, but wasn't sure.

Which, to me, makes it even more understandable they don't want to participate in a tradition of a different denomination.

Of course, that is all beside the point that it is perfectly acceptable for any family member or friend to decline an invitation to be involved in any wedding ceremony.

MairePoppy · February 2015

lnixon8 said:

If your sister (you?) planned a shower the day before Easter she should expect a decent amount of people to miss it because of the holiday.

Also, she should have checked the date with any VIPs, particularly if you're going to be butthurt about their absence and especially if it's on a holiday weekend.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

WhatawagSBNy said:

If your sister (you?) planned a shower the day before Easter she should expect a decent amount of people to miss it because of the holiday.
------------------- Lots of people will not party at all just before Easter. Whether they observe either 6 weeks of Lent, or just Holy Week (more common), this is a time they will not come even if nothing is on their calendar. Unfortunately, for years, many Protestant denominations which started in revolt against Catholicism, fed prejudice against Catholics and decried even entering what they termed, a papist church. Lots of older people still remember that, and it may take a little talking from FI to convince his mother that she can be an onlooker ( sit quietly and politely while others do the rituals) and not be expected to participate at all in the ceremony. Her role would be to witness it only. She may not realize it, and it could be one source of her discomfort.

Religious observances aside, if my son/brother was coming into town to celebrate a holiday with his family you bet your butt I'd decline a bridal shower, even for my FDIL, to spend time with my family.

I wouldn't be surprised if other ppl on OP's shower guest list decline becuse it's the weekend of Easter ><

spglsp · February 2015

pinkrevenge said:

Personally, I would also decline to be a part of any religious ceremony I don't believe in. So while it might be okay for me to do a reading from the Bible or carry gifts, I wouldn't because it seems ... false? I'm not sure how to put it. I don't think my non-catholic ass would have any place in a catholic mass. At religious family functions I tend to hang out in the back because I don't like drawing any attention to my lack of religion / feel like an interloper.

This is my first go at quoting something so wish me luck. This just about sums up my feelings on the matter. I'm Jewish, it's awkward enough for me attending Catholic functions (of which I've attended many) but the idea of being asked to participate in some way feels wrong. It's not entirely about not being Catholic and not feeling permitted to participate. It's more about being Jewish and feeling like I'm acting against my own spiritual beliefs. Your in laws may not be comfortable with this, that's up to them. Unless they're planning on boycotting the wedding (and even then, really) I wouldn't lose any sleep over this.

lyndausvi · February 2015

spglsp said:

pinkrevenge said:

Personally, I would also decline to be a part of any religious ceremony I don't believe in. So while it might be okay for me to do a reading from the Bible or carry gifts, I wouldn't because it seems ... false? I'm not sure how to put it. I don't think my non-catholic ass would have any place in a catholic mass. At religious family functions I tend to hang out in the back because I don't like drawing any attention to my lack of religion / feel like an interloper.

This is my first go at quoting something so wish me luck. This just about sums up my feelings on the matter. I'm Jewish, it's awkward enough for me attending Catholic functions (of which I've attended many) but the idea of being asked to participate in some way feels wrong. It's not entirely about not being Catholic and not feeling permitted to participate. It's more about being Jewish and feeling like I'm acting against my own spiritual beliefs. Your in laws may not be comfortable with this, that's up to them. Unless they're planning on boycotting the wedding (and even then, really) I wouldn't lose any sleep over this.

Totally understand.

I grew up Catholic. I haven't been a practicing for many years. Even I get uncomfortable when I enter any church. Over Thanksgiving my aunt was here and I went to church with her. Mostly because she didn't have a car and I didn't want to just drop her off. Even then I'm like this feels weird, but I can sit through an hour service (views were amazing). Tangent - They've changed the prayers a little. Funny how I still remember the ones from 20 years ago.

Anyway, I would not be comfortable participating in a Catholic mass even though I know I'm allowed, I know what's going on and know the significance of all the parts of the mass.

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

banana468 said:

I don't really understand what the problem is. They want to be guests, not readers, ushers, or gift-mules. They aren't props or hired actors that fill roles as you see fit. Just let them enjoy your wedding the way they feel comfortable. Don't stress about it and don't cause drama with you FILs.
These are roles commonly suggested as ways you can honor someone not in the BP. Bringing up the gifts isn't about tranporting wedding presents. It's a part of the mass.

Ah, that makes sense about the gifts. Duh.

As for the other roles, I understand that they are etiquette-approved, but I personally would not want to do any of them. And if the bride got butt hurt and really wanted me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, I would assume it was because I was messing with her "vision" of her wedding. Which would make me a prop. Sorry to make it sound like anyone who had readers, ushers, etc. was being disrespectful to those individuals. I did not explain my opinion well at all.

OP, sorry about the gift-mule thing. I feel like a jackass (see what I did there?).

ETA: A brief but thorough search has failed to produce a donkey GIF.

hellopig · February 2015

OP, if you're still around, just wanted to echo a lot of what has already been said. I have only attended one Catholic wedding with a full mass, and as a non-Catholic it was kind of intimidating. I'm guessing most of the people you are asking to be involved might feel the same or might just have questions.

That said, I married a Catholic. I have no desire to become Catholic myself, so we did not have a full mass. My Protestant cousin did a reading at our wedding, (Prayers of the Faithful, I think?) but she did have a lot of questions as it was unfamiliar territory to her. My parents were uneasy with the Catholic wedding idea at first because as Lutherans, they had never had the occasion to even set foot in a Catholic church before. I talked to them a lot about this and they came to see how similar many of the traditions are (and they're all Christian, after all!), and they thought our ceremony was beautiful. So long story short, don't push anyone to do something they don't want to do, but maybe your FI can see if he can answer any questions they might have.

One last thing- I find it odd to ask two people who will not be permitted to receive communion at your wedding to present the gifts at the altar.

danamw · February 2015

There are all kinds of rules in religions. I was raised Catholic in the 1960's, the heyday of the nuns. I have stories. We were trained never to enter another religion's house of worship. Very strict. I guess they assumed Catholics didn't consort with non-Catholics.

I believe, it is all the same God, just different styles of observance. There are religions who believe it is NOT the same God; theirs is the best/only one.

It isn't anything personal. They may be caught up in a stricter style.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

OP - I am going to say the same thing PPs have said.

My cousin had a Catholic wedding, and I personally am not Catholic (though I was raised Christian); I found her wedding to be SUPER confusing. It was extremely overwhelming. I am so glad I was never asked to participate, because I would have been a nervous wreck, worried I would say something wrong/do something wrong or inappropriate. If I were asked to participate, as someone has already said, I would be too worried to enjoy the ceremony. I love my cousin, but I would be worried about ruining the service for her and her husband. While you are fully comfortable with all that Catholic ceremonies entail, and it may seem like a small, simple task, it is very intimidating to people who are unfamiliar.

I am fairly confident that your FILs love you, and are declining based on being unfamiliar with Catholic weddings, not because they do not accept you or just don't want to be involved. Catholic ceremonies are notoriously more involved than other Christian ceremonies. Despite you saying they are welcome to participate, it may not relieve any of their anxieties about their duties.

I will never forget the one time I attended a Catholic mass with a friend and was terrified when they all went up for communion. I had never seen it before and just wanted to sink beneath a pew. I felt like I didn't belong there, even though I loved the service. I felt like a sore thumb just standing there while everyone went up. Despite all that, I still enjoyed myself. Those churches are so beautiful.

mollybarker11 · February 2015

lyndausvi said:
I grew up Catholic. I haven't been a practicing for many years. Even I get uncomfortable when I enter any church. Over Thanksgiving my aunt was here and I went to church with her. Mostly because she didn't have a car and I didn't want to just drop her off. Even then I'm like this feels weird, but I can sit through an hour service (views were amazing). Tangent - They've changed the prayers a little. Funny how I still remember the ones from 20 years ago.

I was raised Catholic, was an altar server, choir member, catechism teacher, reader, the whole shebang. But for the past few years I've only attended mass 6-10 times a year and for the LIFE of me I cannot remember the new prayers haha. The Catholic Guilt is strong here.

OP - Everyone else has said it but I'll just add, a lot of non-Catholics feel overwhelmed at mass just trying to figure out all the standing and kneeling alone! Please try not to take it personally. Participating in the ceremony and throwing/attending pre-wedding parties are not requirements, and them "refusing" to do so does not mean they love you any less!

danamw · February 2015

Catholic churches and services are intimidating to those who aren't used to them. The church I grew up attending, along with 5 years of their school, had ZERO sense of humor about anything, especially the church.

A wedding mass is boring. Let's just say it. It is a long process. Plenty of raised Catholics are not 100% certain of everything in a service. It is easy enough just to sit, stand and kneel when everybody else does. That is all they have to do. My father wasn't Catholic, and he would not kneel.

mikenberger · February 2015

danamw said:

Catholic churches and services are intimidating to those who aren't used to them. The church I grew up attending, along with 5 years of their school, had ZERO sense of humor about anything, especially the church.
A wedding mass is boring. Let's just say it. It is a long process. Plenty of raised Catholics are not 100% certain of everything in a service. It is easy enough just to sit, stand and kneel when everybody else does. That is all they have to do. My father wasn't Catholic, and he would not kneel.

As my FI says "If the Bride and Groom sit down, you know you're in for the long haul." My Dad's side of the family is Catholic, yay full mass Catholic funerals and weddings! And I don't even get to participate because I'm not Catholic! Hooray!

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