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Wedding Etiquette Forum
genxquilter
member
Future in-laws refuse to participate
My future husband is becoming Catholic. He was raised Baptist, but no one is his immediate family attends any kind of church. We checked with our priest to see if they could participate and do readings or carry up the gifts. He said, "Absolutely. They are welcome to do so." So we asked his sister to do a reading. She said she has "anxiety in front of people." A lie. We asked is his niece, 9, and nephew, 16, would like to carry the gifts. Again, no. Okay, fine, they are not comfortable participating in the Mass itself. His mother told him that they couldn't do anything because they weren't Catholic. He explained, again, that we has talked to the priest and he okay'd everything. She said, "We'll have to think about it." Today, he asked if his nephew would like to be an usher. No religious connection at all. Again, no. I'm really hurt they are refusing to participate in our wedding.
His mother and sister have not asked me at all about the shower my sister is having, or if they could help in any way. At this point, the odds of them even showing up for my bridal shower are slim to none. It is the same day his brother will be in town for Easter and I'm pretty sure that will be their excuse.
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Re: Future in-laws refuse to participate
Some prejudices are hard to dismiss. Others can be overcome with knowledge and understanding. Do not take this personally. Continue to extend invitations to them and try to be patient.
That's sad, especially as a Catholic myself, but the only thing you can do is just keep offering. Sometimes when conversion is involved people react in hurtful or illogical ways; but they don't actually have to accept any offers of involvement to be a supportive family.
Also, they don't need to offer to help with the bridal shower - it's your sister hosting and her responsibility because she offered. I wouldn't if I were your FMIL and FSIL, for one because I wouldn't want to step on any toes and for another, because I think showers are silly and don't like them.
It's okay with your priest for the FILs to participate in the ways you've outlined, but if they're not comfortable, it's their right to decline. Please don't take it personally.
Formerly martha1818
I am a practicing Catholic myself. I have acted and performed on stage all my life. but for some reason I know that having to get up in the middle of a wedding ceremony to do a reading would actually be uncomfortable for me. There is something different about having all eyes on just me, reading something, and I know before that time came in the ceremony I would be really distracted with over thinking it instead of enjoying the ceremony. If someone asked me to do it for their wedding I would say yes, but probably secretly wish I wasn't doing it. So your sister in law could be honest about that.
With the Usher thing, When my sister got married her husband to be asked my brother in his young teens to be a groomsman. My brother said thank you but no. Fast forward ten years later when I get married my brother (who did say yes when my husbanded asked him to be a groomsman) tells me he feels so stupid for turning down his other brother in law, but says as a young teen he didn't really know what that mean, didn't get the significance, thought he was just sort of being asked if he wanted to do a job he didn't really understand, and basically would rewind time if he could and say yes.
So basically it might be a mix of reasons that is making it look like a conspiracy when it isn't.
Lots of people will not party at all just before Easter. Whether they observe either 6 weeks of Lent, or just Holy Week (more common), this is a time they will not come even if nothing is on their calendar.
Unfortunately, for years, many Protestant denominations which started in revolt against Catholicism, fed prejudice against Catholics and decried even entering what they termed, a papist church.
Lots of older people still remember that, and it may take a little talking from FI to convince his mother that she can be an onlooker ( sit quietly and politely while others do the rituals) and not be expected to participate at all in the ceremony. Her role would be to witness it only. She may not realize it, and it could be one source of her discomfort.
Thanks for confirming that. At first I read it like wedding presents, but it didn't make sense those would be carried up the aisle. So then I assumed it must be a part of the wedding mass, but wasn't sure.
Which, to me, makes it even more understandable they don't want to participate in a tradition of a different denomination.
Of course, that is all beside the point that it is perfectly acceptable for any family member or friend to decline an invitation to be involved in any wedding ceremony.
I wouldn't be surprised if other ppl on OP's shower guest list decline becuse it's the weekend of Easter ><
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
As for the other roles, I understand that they are etiquette-approved, but I personally would not want to do any of them. And if the bride got butt hurt and really wanted me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, I would assume it was because I was messing with her "vision" of her wedding. Which would make me a prop. Sorry to make it sound like anyone who had readers, ushers, etc. was being disrespectful to those individuals. I did not explain my opinion well at all.
OP, sorry about the gift-mule thing. I feel like a jackass (see what I did there?).
ETA: A brief but thorough search has failed to produce a donkey GIF.
OP, if you're still around, just wanted to echo a lot of what has already been said. I have only attended one Catholic wedding with a full mass, and as a non-Catholic it was kind of intimidating. I'm guessing most of the people you are asking to be involved might feel the same or might just have questions.
That said, I married a Catholic. I have no desire to become Catholic myself, so we did not have a full mass. My Protestant cousin did a reading at our wedding, (Prayers of the Faithful, I think?) but she did have a lot of questions as it was unfamiliar territory to her. My parents were uneasy with the Catholic wedding idea at first because as Lutherans, they had never had the occasion to even set foot in a Catholic church before. I talked to them a lot about this and they came to see how similar many of the traditions are (and they're all Christian, after all!), and they thought our ceremony was beautiful. So long story short, don't push anyone to do something they don't want to do, but maybe your FI can see if he can answer any questions they might have.
One last thing- I find it odd to ask two people who will not be permitted to receive communion at your wedding to present the gifts at the altar.
There are all kinds of rules in religions. I was raised Catholic in the 1960's, the heyday of the nuns. I have stories. We were trained never to enter another religion's house of worship. Very strict. I guess they assumed Catholics didn't consort with non-Catholics.
I believe, it is all the same God, just different styles of observance. There are religions who believe it is NOT the same God; theirs is the best/only one.
It isn't anything personal. They may be caught up in a stricter style.
Catholic churches and services are intimidating to those who aren't used to them. The church I grew up attending, along with 5 years of their school, had ZERO sense of humor about anything, especially the church.
A wedding mass is boring. Let's just say it. It is a long process. Plenty of raised Catholics are not 100% certain of everything in a service. It is easy enough just to sit, stand and kneel when everybody else does. That is all they have to do. My father wasn't Catholic, and he would not kneel.