Update the talk happened. I need some serious advice from strangers.

levioosa · February 2015

OP, I'm really sorry. *Hugs* I don't have much to add that PPs haven't already said. I don't cat fishing is the best idea, but I also know that cheaters lie, and he'll have an excuse ready if he is truly lying. Neither way will end pleasantly (and I still think cat fishing is taking it a bit far). Regardless if he's cheating or not, the trust simply isn't there in your relationship. A relationship can't survive without trust. And if he's not validating your feelings and at least listening to you (truly one of the bare minimums in a healthy relationship), then there's not much more the relationship can do. Based on your past posts, I think this is a come to Jesus moment. It doesn't sound like you are on the same page for anything, and now you think he's cheating and your trust has been destroyed. You might want kids, and he doesn't. He is unwilling to listen to you and go to therapy. That alone is a huge red flag.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. SO and I saw the commercial for Ashley Madison for the first time a few days ago on late night Comedy Central. We were both disgusted and couldn't believe that it not only existed, but that it was popular enough to be advertised on TV. It was definitely a "loss of faith in humanity" moment.

abbyj700 · February 2015

levioosa said:

OP, I'm really sorry. *Hugs* I don't have much to add that PPs haven't already said. I don't cat fishing is the best idea, but I also know that cheaters lie, and he'll have an excuse ready if he is truly lying. Neither way will end pleasantly (and I still think cat fishing is taking it a bit far). Regardless if he's cheating or not, the trust simply isn't there in your relationship. A relationship can't survive without trust. And if he's not validating your feelings and at least listening to you (truly one of the bare minimums in a healthy relationship), then there's not much more the relationship can do. Based on your past posts, I think this is a come to Jesus moment. It doesn't sound like you are on the same page for anything, and now you think he's cheating and your trust has been destroyed. You might want kids, and he doesn't. He is unwilling to listen to you and go to therapy. That alone is a huge red flag.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. SO and I saw the commercial for Ashley Madison for the first time a few days ago on late night Comedy Central. We were both disgusted and couldn't believe that it not only existed, but that it was popular enough to be advertised on TV. It was definitely a "loss of faith in humanity" moment.

I was disgusted to know they have millions of members. :-(

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

I was disgusted to find out it existed at all, honestly. I had to google it to make sense of the OP and when I figured out it was essentially an Internet cheating site I was actually really pissed off.

sophhabobopha · February 2015

So sorry OP. No advice here. ):

Thinking of you.

bride2b71614 · February 2015

OP- I am glad that you are against Catfishing your husband. This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think what makes this worse is that you had to find out about his behavior because he wasn't forthcoming about it in the first place. That being said, I would have a long conversation about this, and ask questions about the phone number and how it belongs to Ashleymadison.com, a website for those who are looking for extra marital affairs. I would also have his profile handy.

The way you approach this is VERY important. Use a ton of I statements, and avoid acting accusatory (which is easy to do in this situation). I think that you should start by telling him that having this conversation is important to you, and that you hope he will listen to you, and that you will do the same for him. If he tries to avoid talking to you about the profile and the phone calls its kind of telling of his behavior. Previous PPs have suggested going to counseling with him, and maybe issuing an ultimatum to do so. While I hate ultimatums, I think that this is only appropriate, especially because his coping mechanism appears to be avoidance.

I hope that your upcoming conversation will provide you with closure, and hopefully yield successful results. Sending tons of virtual hugs your way.

SJM7538 · February 2015

update kind of. I have not talked to H yet but I am going to tonight. I did a great deal of thinking yesterday. to search the site I had to create a fake profile and I sent a message to the user that I am assuming is H. it's been 24 hours and no response. I was starting to get messages from some real creepers so I essentially shut the profile down. you can't actually delete it but I blocked it from getting Anymore messages or being seen. so tonight I an just going to lay it all out on the table for H. the cell phone bill and that I found this profile. I'm still not sure 100 percent it's his unless he admits it, so I guess all I can do is see how he reacts. if he owns up to it then there could be a chance for us if he agrees to counseling. if he denies it then my choices are to believe him and try to move forward or not believe him. but i think that decision will come when I see how he handles this and reacts. if he is dismissive and defensive I think I have my answer. I will update more once I've had the convo. thank you again for all of your support.

maeday2 · February 2015

Thinking of you, OP.

You're handling this very rationally and if he's innocent he will see that and appreciate it.

I hope for the best possible outcome for you and your marriage.

KatieinBkln · February 2015

I'm thinking of you, @SJM7538. It may be small comfort to know that internet strangers have your back, but we do. You aren't alone.

climbingsingle · February 2015

*hugs*

pinkcow13 · February 2015

I hope it all works out, OP. Lots of hugs and luck to you. We're here for you.

firebabe6519 · February 2015

Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best!

novella1186 · February 2015

Best of luck, OP. And while it's so customary to wish luck, I also wish you strength because I'm sure this must be very difficult for you. We've got your back.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

Hang in there OP. I hope you get the clarity you need tonight.

photokitty · February 2015

Not to be overly cautious - but is there any chance he could get violent when you present him with conversation?

Do you have a friend, no need to tell them the details, that can call and check on you at a pre-determined time if she hasn't heard from you? I feel in this situation, it might be better safe than sorry.

Good Luck! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

photokitty said:

Not to be overly cautious - but is there any chance he could get violent when you present him with conversation?

Do you have a friend, no need to tell them the details, that can call and check on you at a pre-determined time if she hasn't heard from you? I feel in this situation, it might be better safe than sorry.

Good Luck! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Yeah... I hate to agree with this, but I do think that having a predetermined check in with a person that could physically do something to help if you needed it (heaven forbid) would be a very prudent thing to do. Even if he's never been violent, and hasn't ever given you the idea that he could be, I would rather be sure I had backup available.

I'll wish you luck for your part of the conversation, strength to take the response you get, and peace with whatever the outcome may be.

WhatawagSBNy · February 2015

futurekhugz said:
Hi, first off I am SO sorry you're having to go through this & I am sending lots of virtual *hugs*.

This is coming from someone who "snooped".

About 6 months before FI & I got engaged, I had noticed he'd been really weird about where & if he left his phone lying around. I didn't think it was carnal "cheating", but I did suspect he'd been looking at porn (we had many many discussions on this topic, and he had promised me that he hadn't looked at porn since we'd been together, and at this time, we'd been together for a little over a year & a half). I worried because his two brothers both had very very bad addiction problems. I know it's not technically 100% genetic, but if you've lived around someone like that for so long, it kinda gets hard-wired in your brain.

His phone was practically glued to his hands & he never left it unattended. One day, I asked him if I could borrow his phone to look something up (I think we were at the movies & I didn't have my phone with me), and he did (surprise!) and I noticed that his entire browser history had been erased.

This really raised some questions, but I didn't really know how to bring it up. So, as we were driving home I asked him to be honest with me, and then proceeded to ask him if he had been looking at porn throughout any time in our relationship. He said no (lie), so I trusted him & let it go because I could tell he was getting frustrated with me accusing him of such a thing.

About a week later, FI (then boyfriend) left his phone unattended with me in the room, and I (embarrassingly & admittedly) snooped. Guess what. I found porn. It fucking hurt so bad. Snooping sucks, BUT I called him out on it, and at first he tried to deny it, but I had straight up cold, hard, evidence in my hands that he couldn't wiggle his way out of. He eventually totally confessed that he had a real problem & had been lying to me for our entire relationship.

I was totally broken, but we then agreed to handle this with an internet accountability program, and some help from our church leaders/professionals. I hate that I snooped, but I'm glad I found out about his problem before we got married. Snooping didn't technically "fix" or "save" our relationship, but I'm guessing that if I hadn't have snooped, it would still be going on today & I'd have no idea.

FI ended up not even mentioning the fact that I "snooped" because he knew he was completely in the wrong.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, if he won't talk to you after you've asked him plenty of times with plenty of reason, snoop. If you find something, bring it up to him. If you don't find anything, don't bring it up. Simple. You have some sort of evidence to use, and a perfectly good reason WHY you have that evidence.

Once again *HUGS* to you.

Edited: words are hard

-------------------
You seem to be saying that once given reason to believe you are being lied to, you are not randomly abusing his trust by investigating. I agree with that.

How many times does it come out that there is sexual abuse of children in the home, or a parent with a gambling or drug addiction whose financial destruction alone hurts everyone involved, and the spouse says, well I didn't know.

Trust like respect is initially given, but you cannot bury your head in the sand in order to maintain the appearance of trust, while your life and family 's life is destroyed.

SJM7538 · February 2015

ok knotties.. update time. so I came home today completely prepared to sit down and talk to H rationally and see what his response was. well after we ate dinner he got up to use the bathroom and I couldn't resist... I checked his phone. and I'm glad I did. there was no evidence of the AM profile but i checked the internet history from today and there was a lot of porn and a few searches on craiglist for Personal ads (and they were specific... like fantsy type things.) so I basically flipped my shit. I was too pissed off to even cry I just lost it. the iPhone is toast. H came clean. he admitted to the Phone call with Ashley madison and that the profile I found was his. he said he was trying to cancel it and he created it years ago when he was looking for something not so serious. as far as the porn and Personal ads he claims its a fantasy thing. he's has told me he doesn't look at porn (clearly I never believed that) and that the personals were just looking for the "fantasy" of it. and that he has never cheated on me or even contacted anyone. I'm iffy but I will say that I've monitored his email pretty well the last month and haven't found anything. I asked him why he never told me any of this stuff if the "fantasy" of it was something he enjoyed. I told him we could act out that stuff together. he said he didn't think id understand and he's never been in a relationship with someone so understanding before me. So I'm completely blindsided by all of this... in addition to the fact that I've been trying to get him to open up to me for months and months bc he has been so closed off. well tonight he opened up. it took this happening but it finally happened. there are things that are still sketchy but things that also point in the direction that he's telling the truth. I almost walked out the door.. but I was too pissdd and had too much to say. i yelled, calmed down, talked, yelled some more for close to an hour while H just listened. he didn't get defensive or dismissive. he owned up to it. I don't want to give up on my marriage yet. he got an ultimatum... counseling or I was having the divorce papers drawn up tomorrow. and you guys know I've said it before he is totally against counseling. he chose counseling. it's a long road ahead but I really hope we can get past this. I'm hoping now that all this is laid out on the table we can begin to move forward... whether that's together or not. so that's the rundown. I couldn't have figured this out without all of you! thank you!

rcher912 · February 2015

WOW, OP. Thanks for sharing.

Sounds like a HUGE shift on H's part, and in a good way. Like you seem to realize, it's still an uphill battle with a few things, particularly that he doesn't trust you not to judge him, but if he's willing to work on that (in ways he was previously totally against), then it looks like he's really in this with you. That's great.

I wish you the best of luck, and lots of hugs. Marriage is not something to enter or exit lightly, and I hope counseling helps you both.

JennyColada · February 2015

Sounds like it was a pretty decent outcome. I'm glad that you two could communicate, even if it took some pushing and pulling to do so. Being able to discuss these things together is really important.

I've definitely been in more of your H's position before: I've had a then-bf read messages on my computer and phone looking for "proof" of me cheating (I wasn't, and he ended up reading subtext into totally platonic messages). It made me feel like real shit, and made me feel like I DID have something to hide (I didn't). It was really shitty to see the lengths that my bf went to to prove me wrong. I honestly wish that he would have either opened up to me first or simply broken up with me.

WinstonsGirl · February 2015

I'm so glad he's willing to work on this with you. Good luck and I hope things go well from here

bethsmiles · February 2015

I'm glad he's willing to go to counseling. I hope you two can make it work.

sophhabobopha · February 2015

I'm so glad! Good luck!

maeday2 · February 2015

I hope counseling provides you with the help and guidance you need to work through this.

I have to wonder about the AM explanation, though. Was there a way on his profile to check when the account was created, like "member since X date"? I just don't think I would seek out a website that is targeted toward adultery if I wanted something less serious, like he claims.

The timing seems odd, too. I would wonder why now is the time to cancel the profile when it seems as though you guys are going through a lot already.

I'm cautiously optimistic for you, OP!

climbingsingle · February 2015

I think it's great he's willing to go to counseling now. Good luck!

hellosweetie1015 · February 2015

YAY for talking to him! And DOUBLE YAY that he's going to counseling with you!

I do think it will be a long uphill battle for you both, but at least now it will feel more like you're fighting TOGETHER instead of alone.

I think I would take him at his word for now. I think that if he'd rather do a complete 180 on the counseling than have you draft divorce papers, clearly he doesn't want to lose you.

I'll be thinking of you.

mrsk616 · February 2015

glad he took it well. just remember it will be rough for sometime though so stay strong for both of you.

SJM7538 · February 2015

@maeday2‌ I still do have questions about the AM profile. this is going to take awhile and I know that. my plan is to go back to my counselor solo and get a reccomended for a marriage counselor. also, the support means a lot to me.

my friends think I'm nuts and that I shouldnt believe a word he says so having some reassurance is
really helpful right now.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

I'm glad he seems to be taking you seriously. I hope you continue to get nothing but cooperation and honesty and clarity. Good luck!

maeday2 · February 2015

SJM7538 said:

@maeday2‌ I still do have questions about the AM profile. this is going to take awhile and I know that. my plan is to go back to my counselor solo and get a reccomended for a marriage counselor. also, the support means a lot to me. my friends think I'm nuts and that I shouldnt believe a word he says so having some reassurance is really helpful right now.

You're not nuts. You are trying to save your marriage. I have the utmost respect for that.

It sounds like you've got your head on straight and you're way more rational than I would be in your situation.

I truly hope for a happy ending for you!

novella1186 · February 2015

It sounds like the talk turned out as well as it could have. I'm glad you got somewhere with it, and I'm so glad he agreed to counseling! Best of luck to you. I hope things continue to move in the right direction.

Update the talk happened. I need some serious advice from strangers.

Re: Update the talk happened. I need some serious advice from strangers.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards