Just Engaged and Proposals

SO: Did he ask your parents?

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Re: SO: Did he ask your parents?

  • I asked my fiancé to ask, but only because my parents had mentioned a long time ago that they'd like it if he did. So he actually asked BOTH, not just my father, and simply asked for their blessing to propose. I thought he did it respectfully enough that they got what they wanted, and I didn't feel like a possession.
    JaniV123girleyeslightup
  • shelwassshelwass member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited January 2015
    As for the giving away question, I've never actually thought of it as my parents giving me away (In Jewish tradition, both parents walk you down the aisle, not just your father. The groom's parents walk him down the aisle, too). We're not having any mention of them "giving" me in the ceremony, so I just see it as a way that my parents are part of my special day. It feels like a tradition that can be interpreted differently, vs. someone straight up asking your parents/father for permission.
    JaniV123
  • Mine asked my dad. I had never cared one way or the other until after I found out he asked my dad before he asked me. I don't feel like it's an "I'm my dad's property" thing, but asking my dad made me feel that my parents really did want to accept my fiance into the family. It meant a lot to me, when I didn't think it would.
    I don't think asking for your fiance's hand has anything to do with whether or not you are independent.  Whether or not you live, feel, and act independently, you are still a part of your family and hopefully your family will be welcoming your future partner. If he asks for your hand in marriage, it's more of a recognition of that fact than the more historical asking for permission. 
    This. My FI called my parents and asked for their blessing (they live across the country), and my FI knew it was important to me for these reasons. My father is old fashioned and retired military, so it was more about respect, and definitely not about seeing me as a possession--the final decision is ultimately mine. I'm also a very strong, independent woman who has taken care of herself since college, but I still like that FI did this. It all depends on each person's preference. No way should be seen as better than the other.
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    hpubridedoclago
  • I think it just definitely depends on the situation. My FH asked, but I'm still young and I supported by my parents, and it was more of an "asking for his blessing" than asking for my hand like I'm a possession. It also made him feel happy and gave him the opportunity for him to talk to him about his expectations for us together (i.e. "Please take care of me when I'm old.") Also-just a thought-if it's your opinion that your FH shouldn't ask for your hand, then do you want you dad to "give you away" at the alter? That sounds kind of opposite to me.
    My dad is not "giving me away" at the altar. For the exact same reasons. I am not property to be "given." I will walk down the aisle with my dad and my stepdad, but there will be no "Who gives this woman to be married?" or that weird part where my dad places my hand into DF's hand. To me, those are totally separate things. So I'm not sure what you think is "opposite" about that?

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  • edited January 2015
    My FI asked my parents. I am very close to my parents so I wanted my FI to have their blessing before he asked to marry me. I don't think I could ever marry someone my parents didn't agree with. I am also very traditional, I don't see it as being a possession of my parents. 


    --- ETA BOXES---


    This is one argument that I've never been able to wrap my head around. How does your BF/GF asking your parents permission to marry you alert you to whether your parents agree with the relationship or not? Really, by that point, don't you know whether your parents like the person? I can't imagine getting to the point in my relationship that we're talking about marriage and really, truly, not knowing whether my parents agree with the relationship or not.

    Also, what would you/your SO do if your dad/parents said no? Just break up on the spot?

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  • My fiance did ask for my mom's and my dad's permission and I really appreciated it. For me it wasn't necessary for him to ask, but I think it shows respect. He asked for their permission to marry me. But, on the other hand, we're 20 years old, and family is extremely important to both of us, so if either set of parents didn't approve, I honestly don't think we would be getting married. 
    JaniV123
  • I think it just definitely depends on the situation. My FH asked, but I'm still young and I supported by my parents, and it was more of an "asking for his blessing" than asking for my hand like I'm a possession. It also made him feel happy and gave him the opportunity for him to talk to him about his expectations for us together (i.e. "Please take care of me when I'm old.") Also-just a thought-if it's your opinion that your FH shouldn't ask for your hand, then do you want you dad to "give you away" at the alter? That sounds kind of opposite to me.
    My dad is not "giving me away" at the altar. For the exact same reasons. I am not property to be "given." I will walk down the aisle with my dad and my stepdad, but there will be no "Who gives this woman to be married?" or that weird part where my dad places my hand into DF's hand. To me, those are totally separate things. So I'm not sure what you think is "opposite" about that?
    I plan to say "I give myself" at that part.  I'm sure all the older ladies will just faint with shock, ha!
    JaniV123charcoalandblushGreenjinjo
  • I honestly didn't care either way.  I knew my parents approved anyway.  I wasn't against it or for it.  knowing my FI, I knew my parents would be at least in the know.  He did ask my dad, though.  I'm honestly not sure if my dad expected it or not, because I don't think he asked my grandpa to marry my mom.
    JaniV123
  • My FH did not ask my father because he knows we do not have the greatest relationship, so it was not a main priority. What bothers me is when we were announcing our engagement to people, one of the first things they asked me is if he asked my father. Am I the only one who feels like that is a personal and unintentionally rude question to ask? It just leads to a very awkward position for me to have to tell people that it wasn't something that I felt that important to me and I feel like that just makes everyone look bad.
    charcoalandblushJaniV123Greenjinjo
  • I think it just definitely depends on the situation. My FH asked, but I'm still young and I supported by my parents, and it was more of an "asking for his blessing" than asking for my hand like I'm a possession. It also made him feel happy and gave him the opportunity for him to talk to him about his expectations for us together (i.e. "Please take care of me when I'm old.") Also-just a thought-if it's your opinion that your FH shouldn't ask for your hand, then do you want you dad to "give you away" at the alter? That sounds kind of opposite to me.
    My dad is not "giving me away" at the altar. For the exact same reasons. I am not property to be "given." I will walk down the aisle with my dad and my stepdad, but there will be no "Who gives this woman to be married?" or that weird part where my dad places my hand into DF's hand. To me, those are totally separate things. So I'm not sure what you think is "opposite" about that?
    I plan to say "I give myself" at that part.  I'm sure all the older ladies will just faint with shock, ha!

    I love this!!! :)

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    JaniV123
  • My parents insisted that he asked first, so he did. I definitely agree with those of you saying he shouldn't need to because we're all adults who can make our own decisions. I think my parents insistence was more out of tradition than actual "giving me away." I didn't make a big deal out of it either way. I told him to talk to both my dad and my step-dad, because even though my step dad and my mom were the ones saying he had to ask, I thought if he was going to as my step dad, he should ask my bio dad too. But my fiancé and I both know I'd have made the decision regardless, so we didn't make a fuss over it.
    JaniV123
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    He didn't ask for permission, but he did ask for their blessing.  It was the first time he had met my parents, and we had already been planning the wedding for a month or so.  We were just sitting around the fire in the backyard and Dad said 'so why do you want to marry my daughter?' J gave a very nice response, and then the next morning said something along the lines of 'I know this was implied last night, but do I have your blessing to marry (me)?'

    Dad walked me down the aisle, but there was no giving away.  The parents just stood up, the pastor asked them something, and they all said 'we the parents give our blessing'.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
    JaniV123doclago
  • My FI asked, and I'm really glad he did. We never discussed this prior, but it means a lot to me that he did. To each their own!
    My dad was relieved after I called him to tell him the news, he said he was wondering how long he could talk to me without spilling the beans.
    JaniV123hpubride
  • mrsgptobemrsgptobe Arizona member
    First Comment
    My fiance did because he knew it was important to my father.
    hpubrideJaniV123
  • Maybe it's because I grew up in the Midwest, I definitely feel like a FI should ask.  To me its not a symbol of property but a sign of respect.   Your parents raised you, were emotionally, financially and in all ways responsible of you.   I think it is important for the man you are about to spend the rest of your life with to pay respect to that.  To acknowledge and show that all the hard work your parents invested in you paid off and you are not only successful in your own life as and individual but now as a couple.  I like to think that its also a chance for your FI to really express their self about they way they feel about you.  I know in my case my parent really accepted and appreciated and respected my FI more after that talk.  Regardless of the fact that I'm a doctor and a strong independent woman. I would never change that moment for anything in the world. 
    hpubrideJaniV123japrincess24dreamsinpink
  • I wanted my now-fiance to talk to my parents about it before he proposed just because I knew that my parents wouldn't react well to a proposal without their knowledge. He didn't ask their permission (I am my own woman and they know that) but essentially told them that he would be proposing to me and that was that.
    The implication was that if they didn't accept it, then they would have to deal with it. He didn't need permission and he knew that; I just didn't want my parents to freak out over it.
    JaniV123[Deleted User]
  • I think its your choice to feel the way you do.   As I mentioned before I am a very independent person. I put myself through med school on my own.  I have never and will never need anyones approval to do the things I do.  If his father was alive I would have asked him. I did make it a point to speak to his mother and let her know that I cared for her son and to thank her for raising such a wonderful man on her own and that I planned on spending the rest of my life with him.   I think you are missing the point of what I was trying to express.  The asking of the father or parents in general to me isn't about sexism(at least in my home)  its not about a man or a woman asking for permission for another. I feel that its about respect.  I feel that its another way to bring the two families closer together.  I am all for strong women. I am all for women who feel that it is not necessary in their own personal lives.  But what is so wrong with family values? What is so wrong with simple acts that for some families mean a great deal?  Its fine that you don't agree with my choice but my FI and I both did what we felt was right for our family which I think is really the whole point of marriage and building a long lasting and happy relationship with our now blended families.
    hpubrideJaniV123
  • edited February 2015
  • My fiance asked both of my parents for my hand in marriage before he proposed. I am first generation American born and both of us being from traditional hispanic families, it was actually important for both of us that he asked my parents. Not because I am a possession or because I'm not self-sufficient but it was more out of respect. My father wasn't too happy when we moved in together because of our culture and he wasn't really happy with my then boyfriend (now fiance) when it all happened. But after my fiance went to my parents and pretty much told them what he had to offer, that they didn't need to worry and what his intentions were, my father warmed up to him more than ever before and I think there was a new found respect for a man who is willing to stick to tradition when it is practically nonexistent in this day and age. My fiance knew that it was important for me to have him ask both of my parents because of how close I am with them. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way and if we ever have a little girl, the same will be expected from her future husband :)
    JaniV123doclago
  • We actually both asked the other's parents for their blessing before the proposal. I knew roughly when it was coming (on a trip to NYC), so I talked to his mom on my way to the airport before our trip. And my mom spilled the beans to me for when he asked my parents. 

    Mostly, it was just important to both of us that we would be welcomed into the other's family. We are both very family-oriented, and we wanted to embrace that. It was NOT about permission or patriarchy for us. It was just about love and acceptance from our new soon-to-be family members.
    JaniV123OurWildKingdom
  • He didn't ask, but only because I told him my parents had already said they didn't care either way. I think it was so much more fun to tell them together (mostly because they thought I was knocked up!). I really think it's a great tradition, but it's not for everyone.
    JaniV123
  • I've always felt strongly that because my parents helped me become who I am and invested so much of their lives into making me become this person that the man I wanted to spend my life with needed their approval. My fiance asked my mother, my father and my step father. The day he was going to propose he also double checked with my little brother. It really meant a lot to them that  he was willing to go through all of that trouble just for their daughter and it meant a lot to me that he sat and discussed this with my family. We'll be getting married this September and we've been together 5 years.
    JaniV123
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    I would have been horrified had my FI asked my father.

    My parents and I are very close and are great friends, but I haven't lived with them for ten years. I call them whenever I want to talk about something, but this is not a decision I needed advice on and my parents have not taken an active part in my choices for a long time. Furthermore, all that paternalistic stuff makes my skin crawl. 

    I don't get it even as a gesture, honestly. But my father raised me this way and would never have had that expectation either, fortunately. FI asked me if he'd need to ask my dad to make him happy, but I was thankfully able to tell him no.

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    KeptInStitchesJaniV123
  • He didn't ask, because I explicitly told him it would make me uncomfortable if he did. Like others have said, I'm a grown woman, we already lived together, and it's an outdated tradition that stems from women being considered property of their parents until their husband takes possession of them. My mom knew it was coming because we were talking about it for months before he actually proposed, but that's it.
    JaniV123[Deleted User]Greenjinjo
  • We had a very traditional courtship, with him asking my father to court me, so yes, he asked my father and also my mother. To us it didn't matter how old we are, our parents raised us and we wanted to honor them in that way even thought my parents really didn't request it
    JaniV123
  • My fiance asked but I said it was important that he did.  We're not traditional in many ways but knowing that he respected my family enough to speak with them and share his feelings mean more to me than I could explain.  It also made my mother and father happy that he valued their opinions.
    JaniV123hpubride
  • As a man that has recently asked my girlfriend's parents for their blessing, I'd like to add my opinion. We are from the South, and tradition is a big thing to her family in particular. I didn't ask her father for permission, I didn't ask her mother for permission. Some are going to say that this is splitting hairs, but wording is everything to me. I asked both of them, together at the same time, for their blessing. I understand that she isn't property, which I think is preposterous for anyone to even say as their defense of not asking. Of course people aren't property. I wanted them to know that I am serious about being with their daughter, and that I want to spend my life with her. I didn't ask them if I could ask her. I said that I'm going to ask her and that I would love their blessing. I surprised them at dinner with it while my SO was in the bathroom. Her parents were surprised, but expected it, as we had been dating for 3.5 years. 

    I had this whole thing typed out about all the people on here insulting others for their ideas on it. But, I decided its the internet. Who cares.
    JaniV123hpubridedreamsinpink
  • FI and I are tossing a lot of tradition out the window...both for our lives together and for the wedding-related stuff.
    It is also no surprise to anyone that we got engaged (more like "wow about time").
    That said, my dad has expressed three traditions he wants respected as a personal favor for the past idk 3 or 4 years?

    1) To have the father-daughter dance
    2) To walk me down the aisle (compromising, mom is going with us)
    3) To have FI ask

    It was important to FI too, since my dad and I have a very good relationship.  

    So I kind of left it to them.  I knew my dad would say yes (we were taking bets on when FI would 'ask', honestly) after teasing him for a bit, which is pretty much what happened.  Though, my dad put it to a vote with my mom and sister LOL.
    All parties involved knew we'd get married regardless of what they said, so I guess it was more a sign of respect between the men.  My dad once expressed that if I would say yes to someone, he would give his blessing no questions asked.
  • Several weeks before my now FI actually did ask my mom's permission, she was getting mad at me saying how he hadn't called to ask. Turns out he wanted to ask her in person so he had to wait until she came to visit in December. He had originally wanted to do it when he visited them over Labor Day but he didn't get a chance. We got engaged last weekend. FI is very traditional in that respect so he wanted to make sure he asked, and I know my mom appreciated it. He also made sure that he sent a picture of the ring to my mom when he picked it out at the jewelers.
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