Aw shit, guys! Re: writing vows

novella1186 · February 2015

I thought I was free from the nightmare that is writing my own vows. I didn't want to do it for many reasons, one of which is that everyone who knows me knows I'm a writer and whenever they hear I've written something, they expect it to be amazing. Spoiler alert: most of the stuff I write is NOT amazing. In fact, I think it would disappoint those high expectations. So then I put tons of pressure on myself and get so stressed about it.

We had discussed this a long time ago, and FI didn't seem interested in writing our own vows either. Now I'm realizing he was likely just agreeing with me because he hadn't thought about it yet.

He asked me about it a few weeks ago, I said I'd rather not, explained why, and he kind of just dropped the subject.

He just asked me about it again. I said, "You keep bringing this up. I'm assuming you really want us to write our own vows." He says that yes, he does. He then asks how I feel. I tell him again I really don't want to. He says ok. I say "but is it really ok? Cuz it really seems like it's something you want to do." Since I gave him the opening, he decided to then put his foot down. Yes, he really wants to, and he's not gonna let this go. I'm not willing to argue about it. I feel like if it's really important to him, I have no real reason to not do it. Looks like we're now writing our own vows.

We have less than 3 months to go, which seems like a lot of time, but to me it's not a lot of time. Especially to do something I was too scared to do in the first place. And he won't give me a hint of what he's thinking of writing (I don't need the words; just the general sentiment. Is he gonna write something super serious and deep and heartfelt, or kind of light and funny, or...?) I need to know! Ok really I don't need to know but I always look for a good starting point or some kind of parameter or SOMETHING when I write anything. Where to even start? I seriously know nothing about vows. Nothing.

Advice and words of encouragement and I just made a huge cocktail. Ah!

JennyColada · February 2015

We didn't write our own vows, but we did each read outloud something that we wrote to each other (it was right before our mothers did a reading as well).

I'm not too happy with what I wrote, and it felt very chaotic and very, well...not good. *Shrugs*

I LOVED what DH wrote, and totally felt that I couldn't live up to it, but he swears that what I wrote was perfectly emotional and heartfelt. I don't even know if anyone else paid attention to what we actually wrote though, at least not enough to judge us on it. Plus you don't have to tell anyone that you're writing your own vows ahead of time.

novella1186 · February 2015

JennyColada said:

We didn't write our own vows, but we did each read outloud something that we wrote to each other (it was right before our mothers did a reading as well).

I'm not too happy with what I wrote, and it felt very chaotic and very, well...not good. *Shrugs*
I LOVED what DH wrote, and totally felt that I couldn't live up to it, but he swears that what I wrote was perfectly emotional and heartfelt. I don't even know if anyone else paid attention to what we actually wrote though, at least not enough to judge us on it. Plus you don't have to tell anyone that you're writing your own vows ahead of time.

That's part of what I'm afraid of is that FI will write something so amazing, and mine will be so stupid. Like, mine: "I vow to make you eggs sometimes." Cool, good job, me.

levioosa · February 2015

What about writing a piece that is generally heartfelt and serious with a few light hearted bits thrown in?

novella1186 · February 2015

levioosa said:

What about writing a piece that is generally heartfelt and serious with a few light hearted bits thrown in?

That's probably what I would go for? I mean I've heard that when people write their own vows, they're packed full on inside jokes and it's annoying/boring to other people cuz they don't get it. So I guess I will avoid inside jokes? Ugh!

I'm also not the type to get super serious. I'm usually the sarcastic jackass who lightens the mood IRL. And I don't say really lovey, heartfelt things in front of people. I don't like this! I don't like it one teensy bit.

kat1114 · February 2015

We agreed on a similar format from an online sample I found. We also set a word range so that one person wasn't going on forever, while the other person said a few words.

I used my first half to say things that I loved about H. I used the second half to do my actual vows. We didn't share our vows before hand, and I was little nervous H's would be a lot better than mine because he's more emotional than I am. But everything worked out great! I loved H's vows to me, and he loved mine to him. Really, that's all that matters.

mrscaty · February 2015

H and I sat down together and wrote our vows. We recited the same thing to each other. That way, we both got to say what we wanted, it was still personal, and there was no pressure that one person would be better than the other. Maybe your FI would be open to this?

levioosa · February 2015

novella1186 said:

levioosa said:

What about writing a piece that is generally heartfelt and serious with a few light hearted bits thrown in?

That's probably what I would go for? I mean I've heard that when people write their own vows, they're packed full on inside jokes and it's annoying/boring to other people cuz they don't get it. So I guess I will avoid inside jokes? Ugh!

I'm also not the type to get super serious. I'm usually the sarcastic jackass who lightens the mood IRL. And I don't say really lovey, heartfelt things in front of people. I don't like this! I don't like it one teensy bit.

Oh, me too. Plus I tend to smile a lot when I'm nervous (usually this means at inappropriate times).

I think throwing in a few jokes is okay as long as they're not over the top. I went to a wedding over the summer that had waaay too many inside jokes--like, 90% of their vows were inside jokes. It was too much, and it honestly made them seem too immature to marry (things like, "I always promise to DVR our shows. I promise to put peanut butter on both sides of the bread. I promise to pretend to listen to your long debates."etc.)

princessleia22 · February 2015

Make sure to actually include vows and promises in it. When we were searching for vows, I was surprised at how many were just "I love you because... blah, blah, blah" and never actually got into "I promise to... blah, blah, blah". You can't have vows without actually vowing something.

And do something that sounds like you. If you are a sarcastic jackass, include that in your vows. I agree that inside jokes should be kept minimal.

We thought about writing our own vows, but DH shot that idea down when I said I wanted to include him always doing dishes and vacuuming into the vows.

novella1186 · February 2015

mrsgoldfish said:

H and I sat down together and wrote our vows. We recited the same thing to each other. That way, we both got to say what we wanted, it was still personal, and there was no pressure that one person would be better than the other. Maybe your FI would be open to this?

I think he has something up his sleeve and has put way more time/thought into this than he'll admit. He will NOT talk about details with me, so I don't think that's an option.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Oh @novella1186‌, I feel your pain on this one. I feel like the traditional vows cover it all in a very straight forward way. They've been said a billion times because they are classic and never go out of style and get to the heart of everything you should promise.

But lately my Fiancé has been talking about wanting to write vows. I tried to compromise with, "we each say the same thing to each other, but heven writes them for us." That hasn't gone over well.

I too asked Fiancé what the general tone would be that he wanted to say. To make a long story short he wanted to pontificate on his idea of what love is. I told him that he could turn that into a reading for someone to give but that a vow is a promise / commitment and he didn't say at all what he is promising... I told him shit might not even be legal if the vows aren't vows- I don't knowhat for sure but it's a possibility.

We are still going back and forth and I am loving the traditional vows more and more.

ETF: stuff

fwtx5815 · February 2015

I've heard it recommended that a couple writing their own vows should have a third party read over the vows to make sure you're both on the same page (or at least in the same book) re: length, seriousness/humor balance, etc.

Then after they've read what you've written they could provide feedback and say: person A has lots of jokes and person B is much more sentimental in their vows - then you guys could tweak it without actually knowing what the other wrote.

novella1186 · February 2015

FeeleyToBe said:

Oh @novella1186‌, I feel your pain on this one. I feel like the traditional vows cover it all in a very straight forward way. They've been said a billion times because they are classic and never go out of style and get to the heart of everything you should promise. But lately my Fiancé has been talking about wanting to write vows. I tried to compromise with, "we each say the same thing to each other, but heven writes them for us." That hasn't gone over well. I too asked Fiancé what the general tone would be that he wanted to say. To make a long story short he wanted to pontificate on his idea of what love is. I told him that he could turn that into a reading for someone to give but that a vow is a promise / commitment and he didn't say at all what he is promising... I told him shit might not even be legal if the vows aren't vows- I don't knowhat for sure but it's a possibility. We are still going back and forth and I am loving the traditional vows more and more. ETF: stuff

To the first bolded: seriously! I didn't even want to repeat the vows, I just wanted the officiant to say everything and then all I would say is "I do." Wham, bam, done. But that idea has gone out the window.

To the second bolded: I'm pretty sure the only legality in vows is the part where you say "I do." It's verbal proof of consent. When I found that out, it kind of sucked all the romance out of it, but it's considered a means of a legally binding contract in which both parties expressly agree, going back to the days of kidnapped brides.

novella1186 · February 2015

dallasbetch said:

I've heard it recommended that a couple writing their own vows should have a third party read over the vows to make sure you're both on the same page (or at least in the same book) re: length, seriousness/humor balance, etc. Then after they've read what you've written they could provide feedback and say: person A has lots of jokes and person B is much more sentimental in their vows - then you guys could tweak it without actually knowing what the other wrote.

That is such a great idea. Thank you!

doeydo · February 2015

Personally, I am not a fan of jokes in marriage vows, nor am I a fan of vows that aren't actual vows. If you want to tell your SO how much you love him or her and have a lot to say about that, you could write them a letter for them to read on the morning of or something.

STARMOON44 · February 2015

novella1186 said:

mrsgoldfish said:

H and I sat down together and wrote our vows. We recited the same thing to each other. That way, we both got to say what we wanted, it was still personal, and there was no pressure that one person would be better than the other. Maybe your FI would be open to this?

I think he has something up his sleeve and has put way more time/thought into this than he'll admit. He will NOT talk about details with me, so I don't think that's an option.

You know what's not an option to me? Surprise vows and different vows. I'm not entering into a lifelong commitment without knowing exactly what we're agreeing to. I don't think you just HAVE to go this his way because he wants to. There are lots of options btwn standard vows and total surprise.

climbingsingle · February 2015

I was really, really happy with my vows. I can always post them to give you some ideas. I threw some personal stuff in there too.

But from the beginning the plan was to read our vows to each other by ourselves when we were climbing the day before. That took a lot of pressure off, knowing that it was just going to be the two of us.

artbyallie · February 2015

We wrote our own and H is the writer in our relationship (if you're anything like him, I guarantee you're being WAY too hard on yourself about the quality of your work). Since he's a poet, we agreed to write 14-line sonnets. I think that makes them Shakespearean but I can never remember.

His was rhymed iambic pentameter. Mine was kinda mostly iambic pentameter but no rhymes.

The format helped us both keep them reasonably short and symmetrical in structure. He otherwise would not give me any hints about what he was writing and the rehearsal was the first time we heard each other's vows.

Ditto PPs in no jokes. Don't write a love letter, either (not as your vows, at least; write one to give in private if you so choose). Vows = promises.

novella1186 · February 2015

climbingwife said:

I was really, really happy with my vows. I can always post them to give you some ideas. I threw some personal stuff in there too.

But from the beginning the plan was to read our vows to each other by ourselves when we were climbing the day before. That took a lot of pressure off, knowing that it was just going to be the two of us.

Yes, please post them!

climbingsingle · February 2015

Ok, don't make fun of me!

I always dreamed of finding someone that would be my partner in every way; someone that loved and supported me, someone that wanted the best for me and encouraged me to be the best self I can be, someone that would challenge me, someone that would put my needs first. I’ve found all of that and more in you.

Thank you for opening up your heart and welcoming me in. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for teaching me new things, and having confidence in me that I can do them. Thank you for telling me that “can’t” shouldn’t be in my vocabulary.

Loving you and being with you has so far been the greatest experience in my life. You are my soul mate in every way possible. “Your smile is my rainbow, your laughter is my home, your touch is my heaven”. (this was a quote from a book I read)

I promise to be faithful and honest with you always. I promise to love you and respect you, in good times and bad. I promise to try to eat right for my blood type. (this is a diet/book that he lives by and we always joke about it) I promise to always support you in any way I can. I promise to be your equal partner, and to always walk beside you. I promise to take on new projects together. I promise to make life enjoyable for us in any way I can. And I promise to cherish every day of this amazing journey we are about to embark on. I love you, now and always.

maeday2 · February 2015

@climbingwife - Thank you for the warm and fuzzies this early!

Also, what blood type are you that Taco Bell is such a match for? I need to know if I can make that my excuse for eating 10 tacos at a time.

climbingsingle · February 2015

maeday2 said:

@climbingwife - Thank you for the warm and fuzzies this early!

Also, what blood type are you that Taco Bell is such a match for? I need to know if I can make that my excuse for eating 10 tacos at a time.

I'm O+ and supposedly beef is good for me. Hooray!

melbenso · February 2015

I was in exactly the same boat. I didn't really want to write vows because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to writing and I knew it would drive me completely crazy. H did want to write vows. In the end, we did. But I did mine a little differently. I started with a short poem that I love (e.e. cummings "I carry your heart") and I circled back to some of it in the actual vow part. My vows, including the poem, were less than one page. H's were two typed pages.

Our guests must have really liked them though, because a number of them asked us or our parents for copies.

My best advice is to jot down some notes, feel free to edit and change stuff as much as you like, but at least a week before the ceremony, leave it as it is. Your vows, when you are writing them, are your thoughts and your promises to your spouse and yourself. If other people don't like them, that's their problem.

maeday2 · February 2015

climbingwife said:

maeday2 said:

@climbingwife - Thank you for the warm and fuzzies this early!

Also, what blood type are you that Taco Bell is such a match for? I need to know if I can make that my excuse for eating 10 tacos at a time.

I'm O+ and supposedly beef is good for me. Hooray!

This is my lucky day, me too!

Novella - I initially wanted to write our own vows, but like someone pointed out it really turned into more of, "Here's why I love you." Also, we aren't able to eliminate anything from our ceremony and FI didn't really want to add anything because it's long enough and an open bar is waiting for him. So we're going to exchange those privately either before or after.

I think it's very sweet that your FI is so adamant about sharing vows. I like the suggestion of having a third party read them to compare the "feel" of each. You are your own worst critic and if it comes from the heart, there really is no way to fail.

daria24 · February 2015

We wrote our own vows, it was something we both wanted to do. I know we each read a lot of examples and took pieces from things we found online. I didn't finish mine until the night before (typical) but H did his weeks in advance.

I will say, there were some light hearted statements and some things that people would probably consider inside jokes but quite frankly, I don't care. I spoke the words I wanted to say to my husband that day. I wrote them for him, from the heart, and I don't care if the audience didn't grasp the full meaning of every single thing we said.

cupcait927 · February 2015

H and I wrote our own vows. We didn't see each other's beforehand and they actually ended up being eerily similar (but we joke that we're the same person so it's not too crazy). The first half we both talked about the journey we'd taken to get to our wedding day and how much we were looking forward to our future.

The second half was our actual vows to each other. I really loved A Practical Wedding and reading through their Wedding Vows threads (here and here). It kept me on track and gave me a LOT of inspiration. I think we each had four or five vows to each other. H made one tiny little joke (about not always remembering to close the cupboards) but other than that, we kept them pretty serious.

We talked with each other about length and seriousness but didn't share any actual content. I was writing and re-writing mine up until the week of the wedding. Our officiant asked for them a few days before the wedding and actually tweaked mine a tiny bit, which I really appreciated once I actually had to read them to H.

I was so worried about my vows not being as good as H's, or sounding silly, but really, it was a lot worry about nothing. H loved what I wrote and he made me cry my eyes out with his. It was perfect. So don't worry if you're not overly romantic and sappy (ours weren't particularly romantic) - you'll know what to say once you start writing.

novella1186 · February 2015

cupcait927 I'm reading the links you sent me right now and crying at my desk lol. I just told my coworker that I'm having serious allergy issues :P

cupcait927 · February 2015

novella1186 said:

cupcait927 I'm reading the links you sent me right now and crying at my desk lol. I just told my coworker that I'm having serious allergy issues :P

I got teary eyed so often when I was reading through the vows on APW. I had to stop reading them at work or people were going to think I had some serious emotional issues lol. They were such a huge source of inspiration when I was writing mine. I knew everything I wanted to promise H but it helped me get it into words.

novella1186 · February 2015

cupcait927 said:

novella1186 said:

cupcait927 I'm reading the links you sent me right now and crying at my desk lol. I just told my coworker that I'm having serious allergy issues :P

I got teary eyed so often when I was reading through the vows on APW. I had to stop reading them at work or people were going to think I had some serious emotional issues lol. They were such a huge source of inspiration when I was writing mine. I knew everything I wanted to promise H but it helped me get it into words.

That's what I really like, reading these is making my own things pop into my head like "ooh I wanted to say this and I can word it this way"

Inkdancer · February 2015

We wrote our own. I'd be happy to share mine, if you want to read them. I was super nervous, but it ended up working out beautifully. I think I probably shocked some of the traditionalists, because I kind of turned some of the traditional vows on their heads. (I specifically said that I didn't promise to obey H!)

kat1114 · February 2015

Great suggestion cupcait927! I pulled some inspiration from APW. I can't remember if the sample we used as a template came from that site, but it still had some great inspiration!

I also don't think there's anything wrong with being funny, so long as the overall tone isn't a joke. I didn't go for funny because I was nervous it would fall flat. H threw in a funny reference to our cat, and everyone laughed. Then he got to the serious stuff, and everyone cried, so I think it was a good balance.

Aw shit, guys! Re: writing vows

Re: Aw shit, guys! Re: writing vows

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