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NWR - Issues with planning my sister's 21st!

My little sister turned 21 this week so I am planning a bar crawl for her this weekend! She is almost 8 years younger then me so this whole thing feels so crazy that she can go to bars now! I love her so much and we have always been super close considering the age difference. Sometimes I forget how different we are and the way we see things. She can be very self absorb sometimes and just literally doesn't realize the other people it is affecting (never really anything major).

So I have thrown special birthday celebrations for her in the past with the last big one being her 18th bday. My best friend and I took her to the city for the night to see a reggae band we love at a 18+ venue and then stayed the night in a hotel. We had a blast.

So now onto what is happening this time. So her bf is over a year younger then her so he can't join us for her bday. So because of that I have made it a girls night so no one is bringing guys so he wont feel left out (plus a girls night is always fun). She told me who she wanted to invite and I have been in touch with them, and have offered my place for everyone to sleep over after. She also recently invited our mom to join us for the first few bars which I thought was great! The challenge with all this is I work in an arena in the marketing dept and we have a VERY hands on event this weekend. I was hoping to be done at 9pm and then we could go to the first bar for dinner then. Well I just found out I got 6 suite tickets for the event so now my sister and her friends (and my mom) can go to the show while I am working and then we can then continue the night from there!

After I told my sister, later that night she texted me asking if her bf could have 1 of the tickets. I said no as I have already given them to all the girls who are coming out that night. Then my mom calls me last night and says "don't be mad, but I gave bf my ticket". After asking more questions I find out my sister basically uninvited my mom since "it was nice she was even invited to join us at all".

So now I am BS because 1. So fucking rude to uninvited our mom. 2. I made it a girls night party so bf wouldn't feel left out because he was younger and no one else is bringing their guys and 3. I have been working hard to plan this in the midst of an extremely busy weekend at work and she just wants what she wants and could care less about her guests comforts.

More background (and really my bigger issue); my sister and her bf have been together for almost 4 years (since they were 16 and 17) and the majority of that time they have never left each others sides. He lives at my moms. They share a car. They go to the same college and take the same classes. The main time they are apart is when my sister is at work but he hangs around the shop all the time! She's tried to bring him shopping with us before.... she brings him when she gets her nails and hair done and he sits there and waits. And the thing is, it is not my sister, it's him! He wants to be with her 24/7!!!! She was going to spend this summer working at a camp where she would only be able to see him 2-3 times during the week (not counting the weekend!) and he wouldn't let her!!!

So she invited him to the event because she feels bad he feels left out. But can't he go goddamn 1 night without each other?!?!!? A few weeks ago he was threatening to crash the bar crawl even though I told him he wouldn't be able to get in or even know which bar we are at... but he was like " oh i'll find you and i'll sneak in..... WTH?! You are not invited!!!

So my question.... is it wrong of me to want one night without him and just have fun with my sister and the girls... or am I out of line because it is her birthday(party - she spent her actual birthday with him)? And also to include my mom back in who was rudely uninvited for part of the night??? Thoughts?!?!

TL:DR - My sister's bf is very obsessive and needs to be with her 24/7. I don't want him joining us for the girls night birthday party I planed for her!
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Re: NWR - Issues with planning my sister's 21st!

  • Do you still have the tickets in your possession?  Since this is your sister, I would be telling her that nope, sorry, bf is NOT getting one of your tickets.  I would also tell her how rude it is that she uninvited your mom. 

    And have you had a conversation with your sister about how unhealthy bf's clingy-ness is?  I know a lot of couples who do a lot together, but that literally sounds like everything that could possibly be done together is done together.  It seems like bf doesn't trust sister.  If you do see him at a bar, find a bouncer and tell him that bf is underage.

  • For me, the question would be do I want to deal my sisters drama. And the answer is no. If mom is enough of a pushover to give up her ticket oh well I wash my hands of this. You can try really hard to do a nice thing but at some point you just need to accept you have done enough. Don't make this one night into a referendum on their entire relationship.
  • Wow. I'm with you on this one- they need to separate from each other sometimes. 

    Unfortunately, you can't force them to do that. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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  • I did what @oliveoilsmom said. She is my sister, and I have always been very blunt and strait forward with her behavior. She got upset, but more like sad upset because she felt so bad about bf feeling left out. I explained it's normal to feel left out of things sometimes and it's normal to feel bad when the one you love feels bad. But that doesn't mean you can just do whatever you want.

    It ended on a good note and she agreed that he wont be coming, but I could tell she was bummed. Which now makes me bummed, why do I want her bummed for her birthday party?!

    She has always been a little manipulative with my mom. Not in a malicious way, just kind of selfish. And my mom babies her as she is her baby. 

    So I went to bed feeling bummed and torn on what to do! I know I am over thinking this... I always do. Then I had a dream that my sister changed her mind and re-invited bf AGAIN and I WAS CRAZY MAD. So I woke up feeling more confused then ever! lol
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  • Idk why you're still torn? You got what you wanted. Don't go making drama by now being all noooooo it's fiiiine he can come.
  • Maybe its because I'm generally even more blunt and truth hurts with siblings, but I wouldn't feel bummed.  Your sister is old enough to know that she can't always get what she wants.  I'm sure her being more "sad upset" could have been her trying to manipulate you into changing your mind again.  It was wrong of her to give away your tickets to someone else.  I'm also sure that once sister is out and having a good time, she won't even noticed bf isn't there. 
  • Maybe its because I'm generally even more blunt and truth hurts with siblings, but I wouldn't feel bummed.  Your sister is old enough to know that she can't always get what she wants.  I'm sure her being more "sad upset" could have been her trying to manipulate you into changing your mind again.  It was wrong of her to give away your tickets to someone else.  I'm also sure that once sister is out and having a good time, she won't even noticed bf isn't there. 
    Until he starts texting her nonstop. So annoying. I have two friends that are like that as well. Her husband literally has anxiety attacks when she isn't near him. The night before their wedding, she wanted to have this whole thing with all of the bridesmaids staying in a hotel room and watch movies and have a night in. He asked her to come home and spend the night with him because he couldn't sleep or breathe without her in the house. It's so bizarre to me. I believe he's having these attacks but I don't understand why/how it gets to this level. And that it can't be fixed. (He claims all attempts to help have been useless.) 

    Anyways, enjoy your night with your sister and the other ladies. Maybe it's time to let the Big Sister planning Little Sisters birthday party go? Or just cut it back to dinner with you and her and your mother?

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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited February 2015

    Sounds frustrating for sure! That is SUPER weird and unhealthy IMO that they are literally never apart. I don't think there's anything you can do about it though as this is something she will need to learn on her own as she (hopefully!) matures.

    Also, don't feel bad about giving her some tough love. 21 is definitely old enough to realize you can't just go around doing what you want without consequences to other people's feelings. It's good she has a sister like you to be able to set her straight, because from your post it doesn't sound like she has very many other people (ie her mom and BF) who are willing to.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • Idk why you're still torn? You got what you wanted. Don't go making drama by now being all noooooo it's fiiiine he can come.
    Yes yes you are right... I have a bad habit of doing that which is the worst. I am a very sensitive person and I really feel for other people and sometimes I need to just stop and look at the big picture.

    Thank you everyone! I feel a lot better about this moving forward and really am looking forward to a fun night!
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