Too Harsh?? Long.. *Updated*
Some of you may remember the problems I am having with my Mother. This past Wednesday was the last time I've talked to her. We were chit-chatting and I asked when she was going to be off next and she replied the next day but I'm going to go to the deer woods to go hunting (which is something she never ever does, she won't shoot anything.) I replied, "Oh I thought that maybe we could spend some time together" well she said that she wanted to go at least once, so I said that It seems like she could go another time when I wasn't down from Jersey, she said nothing and said she had to go take a shower and go to bed. This is the last I've heard from her until a text today.
Now, here is the conversation..mom is in red, I am in blue..
'what are you doing" I didnt respond since I was at the dentist
"well I guess you aren't going to talk to me now, I love you"
"Oh?! You're ready to talk to me now? After 5 days? And I'm supposed to just feel like talking to u after u obviously put me on the back burner. I'm obviously not that important to you anymore and I get that. I love you, but you're hurting me. I'm only down here a short period of time. And u can't sacrifice a little time from him for me. So when u decide u actually want to work on our relationship let me know."
So was I too harsh in my reply? She hasn't replied back at all and this was a couple of hours ago. I am trying sooo hard to save my relationship with her, and have been so nice and patient. Ugh, I just really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for "listening"
Re: Too Harsh?? Long.. *Updated*
I'm really sorry that your mom treats you like that. I hope you two can work it out.
"Where are we meeting?"
"Joe's Coffee Shop"
"Okay, at 8pm?"
"Yep"
It helps people from misinterpreting tones and twisting words around. I'd call your Mom and actually talk to her.
I'm not say that your emotions are out of place I just don't think that text is going to help anything.
[QUOTE]I dunno, I feel like it was a little harsh. I also choose not to communicate via texts or email for more than a simple exchange, like: "Where are we meeting?" "Joe's Coffee Shop" "Okay, at 8pm?" "Yep" It helps people from misinterpreting tones and twisting words around. I'd call your Mom and actually talk to her.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
I know what you're saying, and I should and probably will. Sometimes with me it's better for it to be text so that I have to really think about what I say first. When I talk on the phone sometimes I just get carried away and say things that are more hurtful than the text. I'm just so tired of being the one to always call her and be the bigger person. This has to end though, I'm just not used to not having my mom there to always talk to about everything or her not wanting to. Thanks for the advice ladies. I really appreciate it. I can't really talk to anyone around here about it because everyone is so mad at her it just fuels the fire and doesn't give me another way to look at it.
But it's a cop out saying that it's better to communicate via text - there's no good reason to communicate about an issue over texts or emails. It makes problems a lot worse, and allows people to twist words around and interpret things with worse intentions then they were meant to have.
She's blown you off, sure, and deserved to be confronted about it. But what you did was rather passive aggressive - you waited until she contacted you, stewing over the fact that she hadn't talked to you in 5 days, and then blew up at her. She did reach out to you, to be fair, it just wasn't when you originally wanted or in the way you wanted. If her not talking to you had been an issue during those 5 days, you should have picked up the phone and called her. By waiting until she contacted you to then get mad at her, you were being passive aggressive. I have no patience for passive aggressive behavior.
I haz a planning bio
I completely understand - we all have our passive-aggressive moments, but it's important to recognize it and deal with it in a more mature way. Trust me, the one person who can make me passive aggressive is my grandmother, and in her case I don't care enough to fix the relationship, so it's more passive ignorance.
[QUOTE]Some of you may remember the problems I am having with my Mother. This past Wednesday was the last time I've talked to her. We were chit-chatting and I asked when she was going to be off next and she replied the next day but I'm going to go to the deer woods to go hunting (which is something she never ever does, she won't shoot anything.) I replied, "Oh I thought that maybe we could spend some time together" well she said that she wanted to go at least once, so I said that It seems like she could go another time when I wasn't down from Jersey, she said nothing and said she had to go take a shower and go to bed.
<strong>This whole conversation is passive aggressive. It's like you're trying to trap her into saying she has other plans so you can be hurt by that and make it all her fault. What do you expect? She's a grown woman who is entitled to make plans for herself and not want to change them at the last minute to accommodate you.
It would have been healthier to simply say BEFORE YOU PLANNED YOUR TRIP: "I'd like to spend some time with you. What does your schedule look like?" and then try to find a time that worked well for BOTH of you.
</strong>
This is the last I've heard from her until a text today. Now, here is the conversation..mom is in red, I am in blue.. 'what are you doing" I didnt respond since I was at the dentist "well I guess you aren't going to talk to me now, I love you" "Oh?! You're ready to talk to me now? After 5 days? And I'm supposed to just feel like talking to u after u obviously put me on the back burner. I'm obviously not that important to you anymore and I get that. I love you, but you're hurting me. I'm only down here a short period of time. And u can't sacrifice a little time from him for me. So when u decide u actually want to work on our relationship let me know." So was I too harsh in my reply? She hasn't replied back at all and this was a couple of hours ago. I am trying sooo hard to save my relationship with her, and have been so nice and patient. Ugh, I just really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for "listening"
<strong>Again, you waited for her to act and then jumped all over her about it. A better way to handle the situation is simply to ask for what you want from her, ask what she wants from you, and then together discuss ways you can both feel happy with how much time you spend on the phone or together. Sometimes all it takes is clear communication and advanced planning.
I really think you could benefit from working together on establishing healthy boundaries. Here is a couple link to explain what I mean:
<a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/" rel="nofollow">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/</a>
And a popular book that talks about this in more depth:
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454</a>
HTH!
</strong>
Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOTE]
I have no idea why my posts are being centered. Weird. Oh and I tried to call her and she didn't answer...maybe she will call back shortly and I can update about how it went.
I know it must be very painful to have such a tough situation with your mom. I'm sorry.
I'm really glad however that you feel like you can get the support and advice you need here.
I hope you and your mom can find a way to heal and improve your relationship.
*hugs*
[QUOTE]Honestly, it sounds like an immature response to me. Obviously you're upset but I don't that was the best way to handle it. I think you should call her and let her know why you responded that way. IDK. I hate texting. Its the worst way to communicate with someone, especially when you are trying to work on the relationship. I wouldn've just texted back, "I'm at the dentist, I'll call you when I"m done." I'm not say that your emotions are out of place I just don't think that text is going to help anything.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
This.
It wasn't totally over the top but it was a bit immature for sure. Understandable that you would be upset because you perceived she was blowing you off; especially when you have limited time there. I would mostly likely be irritated too. Texting is definitely not the way to have that conversation - I agree with just texting back and saying I apologize, I'm at the dentist and I'll call you when I'm done.
I hope you guys did end up talking! Please keep us updated, I know how hard it is to have a strained relationship with a parent. :) GL
I'm glad you're going to talk to her about it, but make sure you realize that she doesn't have to drop everything to see you either. It'd be nice, but it's not required.
Thanks for all the advice. It really helped me out a lot.
Trust me, we all have disfunctional relationships with at least someone in our family. You have to realize the limitations of that person and realize what you want out of the relationship and what is within your control. You can only do what is within your control - don't start out expecting her to fail or building up your expectations that she'll change completely. Approach the situation realistically and maturely, and take the steps necessary to build the relationship on your own terms.
Good luck!