S/O kind of...

bride2b71614 · February 2015

In one thread, a poster received very sensitive second hand information from a different persons SO. That got me to thinking...we are always encouraged to be honest and open with our SOs, but are there certain things that should remain off limits when speaking about your friends?

For example a friend approaches you and tells you that she is planning on leaving her SO of 10 years. It's pretty emotional, and after the conversation your friend asks you not to tell anyone.

Do you honor her request?

Or would you tell your SO?

Are there certain things you wouldn't tell your SO when it comes to your friends? If so what are they?

larrygaga · February 2015

I would still tell my boyfriend but he doesn't talk to anyone, ever, about anything. If he does, it's about hockey or computers. He is the person all my friends should tell their secrets too, really.

It lets my inner gossip out so I don't spill to people who might talk about it. I know it's bad and I don't care just don't tell me your secrets.

I wouldn't tell anyone else, though. I kind of assume when I tell secrets to people that their s/o will hear about it. I accept that.

Unless it was something like my friend's tampon preferences or about her new vibrator. That's not really news worthy of telling anyone.

morewineplease · February 2015

I tell my FI most things. A friend was going through some stuff in her relationship and since he is friendly with her SO I did not tell him. I was worried it might put him in a weird place with his friend. Now, months later, it is all out in the open.

If he was not friends with her SO I would have told him though. He does not like talking about other peoples business with anyone so he would never tell someone else what I told him. He might not even be listening enough to be able to repeat it

lyndausvi · February 2015

I keep the secret, but that is mostly because can't keep a secret to save his life.

He is so bad I joked that if I got pregnant I wouldn't even tell him until 12 weeks. Ha. He seriously is that bad.

rcher912 · February 2015

I tell my FI almost everything - and as to your example, I just wouldn't be able to keep it in, and he's the safest person to tell!

I had a very similar situation when a good friend of mine was about to be fired at work, and my supervisors told me (and the rest of the office) before him. Like, months before they actually did it. I just had to tell someone and rage about having to hold onto this information (and, frankly, I like to gossip).

As for not telling FI things, I do try to not bitch about my friends to him. He can be kind of...well, he can hold a grudge. So if Suzie does something bitchy, unless it's really upsetting me, I don't talk to him about it. He'll hate poor Suzie forever and talk nothing but shit about her.

photokitty · February 2015

If I am asked not to tell anyone, even DH I won't tell unless it is dire or could have a direct negative impact on DH or I. If it had no barring on him I would not tell him. I don't consider keeping someone's secret lying to him if it doesn't effect him.

I have asked friends or family to keep things in confidence and if I ask them not to tell their SO I would fully expect them to honor my request our tell me before hand they cannot honor my request and I would not confide in them.

JCbride2015 · February 2015

I tell Fi most things, unless it's so personal (like the example in the other thread) that I would feel like I was betraying my friend. So he hears most things, but some things-- personal medical issues, early term pregnancies, substance abuse-- are off limits unless my friends says I can tell him.

rcher912 · February 2015

photokitty said:

If I am asked not to tell anyone, even DH I won't tell unless it is dire or could have a direct negative impact on DH or I. If it had no barring on him I would not tell him. I don't consider keeping someone's secret lying to him if it doesn't effect him. I have asked friends or family to keep things in confidence and if I ask them not to tell their SO I would fully expect them to honor my request our tell me before hand they cannot honor my request and I would not confide in them.

To the bolded: I definitely think that is very fair. If someone specifically asked me not to speak to FI about it, I probably wouldn't (excepting your conditions, and making it known to him that I was asked to keep this very very discreet). And I would expect the same in return.

If it's not mentioned, I wouldn't be surprised at all if one of my friends told their SO something.

levioosa · February 2015

I tell SO a lot of things, but there are a few things that I don't share with him. Some things aren't my place to share.

chibiyui · February 2015

I tell H almost everything. Partly because H is far removed from my friend group so him being in an awkward position is unlikely, and because I feel better if I tell someone. I realize how selfish that sounds.

That said, Ihaven't had anything as dire as the earlier thread. I wouldn't disclose that.

doeydo · February 2015

If they specifically tell me not to tell it to anyone (including SO) then I don't. If I get the feeling that it is a secretive kind of thing we are talking about, then I'll probably ask if I can tell him or not.

rcher912 · February 2015

chibiyui said: I tell H almost everything. Partly because H is far removed from my friend group so him being in an awkward position is unlikely, and because I feel better if I tell someone. I realize how selfish that sounds. That said, Ihaven't had anything as dire as the earlier thread. I wouldn't disclose that. ----------------------------omg boxes ---------------

You know, now that I understand where this is all coming from, I have to admit...I probably would share with FI. I wouldn't know how to process such a huge piece of information without talking it out. Like you said, I feel better if I talk to someone, and he's literally my best friend and most trusted confidant.

Now if he went behind my back and told my mother/someone else's mother? ....now there's a problem.

Cookie Pusher · February 2015

I think there is a fine line between sharing things with your SO and betraying the confidence of another person. I do tell DH most things, but not if it's something that is personal and doesn't affect either of us directly. I'm keeping a pretty big, personal, medical secret from DH right now because my friend asked me not to tell anyone. This information has zero bearing on either of our lives so why would I betray my friend? Just like I wouldn't betray DH by revealing something he confides in me, I wouldn't do the same to someone else. Trust is trust, period.

LadyMillil · February 2015

JCbride2015 said:

I tell Fi most things, unless it's so personal (like the example in the other thread) that I would feel like I was betraying my friend. So he hears most things, but some things-- personal medical issues, early term pregnancies, substance abuse-- are off limits unless my friends says I can tell him.

This. Unless I was concerned for the safety of the friend and didn't know what to do, I wouldn't tell DH very personal things about my friends.

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

I don't feel that keeping someone else's secret, is keeping things from my husband. Just because I'm married to him doesn't mean he has to know everything I know. Also, in my work we have a lot of confidential information that we are not allowed to share with anyone outside the company.

The only thing I tell him about work is if it's something that is public info or would affect us financially.

If someone tells me not to tell anyone, I don't tell anyone, including H.

jdluvr06 · February 2015

If one of my friends ask me not tell anyone something they tell me then I won't tell anyone including H. Even if they didn't ask me not to tell there is a chance that I wouldn't tell him anyway. I don't see that as keeping things or secrets from h so much as not sharing something that isn't mine to share.

lc07 · February 2015

In my close friend group we kind of assume that what we tell each other, our spouses know, too. So if it's something they/I wouldn't want a spouse to know, we'd make that clear when telling each other. And then I would not tell anyone, including my (at the time) H.

If I tell someone something that I want NO ONE but them to know, I make it very clear that telling no one means not telling their spouse. It's a rare thing to happen and I believe they would keep that confidence. I do.

AddieCake · February 2015

Depends on the secret.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

Totally depends on what it is, and what's to be gained by telling him. "Katie has hemorrhoids" is a pretty useless thing to tell him and would only embarrass her. But sometimes other people's relationship struggles, in a stripped down, declassified version, I think can be beneficial to discuss in a relationship. Other times heavy things are better processed when you can talk about them with someone else.

There's a general understanding among my BFFs that we share most things with our husbands unless asked not to. They, in turn, would never pass it in to anyone else, nor would we tell other people things our husbands shared about their friends.

drunkenwitch · February 2015

I recently found out a friend of mine was sharing things I told her in confidence with her husband and as a result, she has completely lost my trust. Her husband is not my close friend and I am extremely uncomfortable with him knowing my business.

amelisha · February 2015

I am open with FI about everything in my own life.

However, my friends' secrets are NOT my secrets, and as such I try to respect them by not telling FI as a rule. I would never hide anything that involves me from him, but I don't think sharing other people's secrets with him is fair to those people. I would tell him if something directly involved him or me, but otherwise, no.

princessofgenovia · February 2015

I tell FI most things. But not in "OMG guess what I heard about Susie!" way but more of in "So Susie told me about this thing and here are my thoughts/feelings about it, what do you think?" way. Though I often don't name names.

Even when things don't impact me...at all. I have thoughts and feelings about those things I want to talk about. FI put a ring on it, so he has to listen to me. Those are the rules. Usually whatever topic I bring up sparks a deeper discussion that goes away from the actual thing someone has told me about.

bride2b71614 · February 2015

I dont know. I am in the belief that you shouldn't tell people anything if they explicitly say don't say anything UNLESS they are a danger to themselves. I feel like its a violation of their trust, even if I believe its minimal.

In the event the information is too much for me to process, I usually tell my therapist. Its not like my therapist is going to tell anyone. I also try to avoid answering the question, what would you do if you were in my position? Its a loaded question, and I try my best to bean dip at that point.

I will admit that its tempting to say something to my FI when someone drops a bomb of a scandal on me. At the same time, I don't think risking my friendship to tell my FI their secret is worth the risk.

simcal18 · February 2015

I'm really struggling with this right now. A close family member of mine was recently the victim of a sexual assault, and she's asked me to keep that information confidential--even if she hadn't, obviously, I wouldn't say anything about it to anyone else unless she specifically told me I could. I've been helping her out quite a bit through the aftermath since the whole situation is really messy, and it's been very hard keeping it from FI. We usually tell each other everything, so not telling him about this feels dishonest even though it's not. He knows something is up with this family member because she and I are talking much more than usual, but all I've told him is that she's going through a rough patch right now. I would never violate this family member's trust, but helping her through this is emotionally difficult for me too, and it's hard not to share that and process things with FI.

levieenrose · February 2015

I try to err on the side of caution when it comes to sharing things with DH--or anyone--which are other people's business. Even when it doesn't necessarily seem confidential. If someone is on the brink of harming themselves, I'd get help first, and then--depending on who it was or what the relationship was--I would decide whether to talk specifics with DH. Before we were engaged, I was with one of our mutual friends when s/he had a couple mental and medical break-downs, and DH still doesn't know about those. If someone had a trigger that I knew could possibly come up while we were visiting, I'd just tell him to avoid whatever the trigger was.

That being said, it's not like I share nothing with him. We talk about our friends' happiness and general life situations a lot and brainstorm together when someone needs something. He respects that I carry a lot of other people's secrets, and I respect that he does the same. We are really good at supporting each other when we know the other person is feeling concerned or down, even--maybe even especially--when it is not something we can share.

Also, on a related subject, I'm careful with what I share with my friends about DH. I know some friendships and friends are cool with sharing really intimate details about their significant other or their romantic lives, but DH is sensitive and I respect that. And we might be having a really strong disagreement about something, but I have no reason to smack him down in front of my girlfriends or behind his back. We're a team, and I try hard to be his loyal teammate even out of the locker room and off the field.

I don't think you should pretend you're happy when you're not, I don't think you should take responsibility for (or feel guilty about) the thoughts and actions of your partner which are purely his/her own. But I do feel that if I were to nitpick about things to my friends, little issues would live longer than they ought, and I would feel less like a partner and more like a wounded spouse.

bride2b71614 · February 2015

levieenrose said:

I try to err on the side of caution when it comes to sharing things with DH--or anyone--which are other people's business. Even when it doesn't necessarily seem confidential. If someone is on the brink of harming themselves, I'd get help first, and then--depending on who it was or what the relationship was--I would decide whether to talk specifics with DH. Before we were engaged, I was with one of our mutual friends when s/he had a couple mental and medical break-downs, and DH still doesn't know about those. If someone had a trigger that I knew could possibly come up while we were visiting, I'd just tell him to avoid whatever the trigger was.

That being said, it's not like I share nothing with him. We talk about our friends' happiness and general life situations a lot and brainstorm together when someone needs something. He respects that I carry a lot of other people's secrets, and I respect that he does the same. We are really good at supporting each other when we know the other person is feeling concerned or down, even--maybe even especially--when it is not something we can share.

Also, on a related subject, I'm careful with what I share with my friends about DH. I know some friendships and friends are cool with sharing really intimate details about their significant other or their romantic lives, but DH is sensitive and I respect that. And we might be having a really strong disagreement about something, but I have no reason to smack him down in front of my girlfriends or behind his back. We're a team, and I try hard to be his loyal teammate even out of the locker room and off the field.

I don't think you should pretend you're happy when you're not, I don't think you should take responsibility for (or feel guilty about) the thoughts and actions of your partner which are purely his/her own. But I do feel that if I were to nitpick about things to my friends, little issues would live longer than they ought, and I would feel less like a partner and more like a wounded spouse.

Oh my god to the bolded, yes! There are so many times where friends will vent about something their SO did, and I will always see their SO as the instigator. For example my friend's SO was acting like a jackass, she was miffed, crying, calling him names and told me everything about their fight. It was difficult for me to take her seriously when she was telling me how "wonderful" he was two days later.

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