OMHs- Is the first year the toughest?

SmileDamnit · February 2015

Yep, this first 7 months has been work…but I don't think it has anything to do with it being part of the "the first year" rather has more to do with some reeeeaaallly big life changes happening fresh out the marriage gate. We married in July, I found out I was pregnant in August, and DH lost his job in November. That's a whole whirlwind of change back-to-back, so we didn't have that whole "yay…we're newlyweds holding hands and skipping through rainbows" experience. That said, I appreciate that we've been given the opportunity to come together and face the stresses as a solid couple. Cuz even when it's hard, I am able to give pause and be thankful that it's H I have by my side. I can't imagine it any other way.

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

To the original question, we're 5 months in. We lived together for 6 months prior to the wedding.

For us, some of the married life is still just getting used to living together. We've evolved in that regard. We had schedules for the work mornings, we have different expectations of dish washing, that kind of thing. We've been picking our battles wisely, I think at least.

But other than living together stuff, married life has been great. I think there is a lot of gravity to saying, "That's my wife" or "That's my husband." I'm learning to consider another person's needs more than I ever did.

To the other question about finances, we've merged only a little. We have a joint account for true joint expenses, but we don't question each other's frivolous spending at all. We were each financially independent and comfortable long before meeting each other, so, agreeing we need to contribute a certain amount to the joint each month is pretty much all we're doing.

A close friend of mine wanted to annul her marriage within six months of her wedding. I knew full well this was a girl who just wanted the security of being married and was upset she wasn't engaged at college graduation. To make a long story short, I told her she made her bed and needs to lie in it (i.e. get counseling, figure it out). We're a few years past that now and they seem much happier. They're not without their issues, but she's worked on herself and on her relationship.

lovemesomemonster · February 2015

jenandtonic81515 said:

I am really curious to know the answer to this. FI and I will be spending our first year mostly apart. He is military and is expected to be going on his first deployment soon after our wedding, and I am in grad school. We have spent the past two years long distance (we lived together for a year before that), so I am not worried that we can't handle it or anything like that, the distance has made us stronger for sure. But I can't help but wonder what it will be like to do the first year of marriage long distance.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

FI and I spend 6 to 7 months a year apart because of work (not military) we aren't married yet but have been doing this for 6 years. My advice is just keep doing what you have been doing, if you have already done distance, don't change it when you get married (we aren't yet but I am determined not to change how we interact after the fact). Not sure what branch of the military he is in but I will say when we bought our first house, the neighbors across the street were an air force couple (happily married for 1 year) and he was deployed right before FI left for his long summer of work. The girls took me in as another "military wife" and they were such a fun support system! Relax and enjoy time you get together, it sounds like you already know how to do the apart thing. I have never understood why a ring and a piece of paper makes seems to change so many couples, hoping that doesn't happen to me when the time comes!

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

sarahufl said:
I actually had to have a discussion with H about this recently. We are both aggressive savers and he makes a lot of money. We never talk about how the other spends $$ because, frankly, neither of us are spenders. I feel like if he wants to treat himself, he should, and he feels the same way about me. I recently spent close to $300 on boots (SORELS, FTW!!) and he never asked how much they cost. Since we are both generally thrifty, spend vs. save has just never been a problem.

But he recently got a large bonus and we recently bought a house. He came home the other day and told me that he put $20k of the bonus straight into our mortgage. He was sort of flippant about it, I just started laughing.

I told him we really need to start having discussions about that kind of money. I'm not mad- and, hell, he spent the money responsibly! But I told him that spending money in that way should be a joint decision. I am all for paying down the mortgage early, but we have to talk about it first.

This sounds like H. I asked him recently why the mortgage payment this month was $400 lower than the prior month, and he said he'd been making extra principle payments to pay it off quicker but decided to divert that into savings for a new down payment instead. Shit, an extra $400 a month is a lot of money! And when it was looking like we were going to come up short on wedding savings, he nonchalantly said "oh it's ok, I can just move that amount over from my other savings if we need to. No big deal." Uh. OK. I have no idea how much money is in this mysterious "other savings."

lovemesomemonster · February 2015

badbnagdway said:

jenna8984 said:

@larrygaga those are very good points.
I didn't get in too much detail with my friend, but I think she EXPECTED change after the wedding. Because she told me that they never really managed to "merge" things. They still had separate bank accounts and considered things yours & mine. They got in a fight and he told her "get the hell out of MY house" since her name isn't on it.
I think she really just expected that to all change and merge. And that's the problem. DH & I still have all of our separate accounts, we still pay things separately, one of us owns the house, and we have not a single problem because went in expecting to keep things how they were. We didn't suddenly feel the need to get a joint account and change anything we were doing. What we do works and we like it. I get the feeling that the way they were doing it didn't work and she wanted to change it after the wedding.

That's really interesting, re, the merging. Had they lived together prior to getting married? Had they discussed finances and combining their lives?

I know a married couple who had been married five years before they merged their bank accounts. They owned real property together and lived together prior to getting married, but for some reason they had never merged together the money. They decided to do it because they wanted to be budgeting and saving better. I think it was quite the adjustment for them both to go from no accountability to knowing what the other spent on everything.

How have other posters handled the money, have you talked about it, do you have combined accounts?

We have lived together for almost 6 years and own two houses together (I did the down payment on the first one, he did the second one, and both of our names are on both houses). He makes a lot more than I do so I pay the bills, he pays the big mortgage, I pay the mortgage on the rental but I get the rent check so it's a wash for me. As long as bills are paid we could care less what the other one is spending money on. We have one joint credit card we can both pay on for house projects and for vacations we put it on the joint CC and both decide what we can pay (normally more for him) toward it. We don't plan on merging accounts when married, I don't care to see what he spends on golf and he doesn't want to see what I spend on shopping. We both have a 401K and Roth IRA and separate savings and we know what is in each other's accounts. I have seen too many people at work argue after merging accounts when they get married on things like "you spend WHAT on getting your hair done!?" and we decided things are working for us so we just don't care to get into that.

plainjane0415 · February 2015

jenna8984 said:

@larrygaga those are very good points.
I didn't get in too much detail with my friend, but I think she EXPECTED change after the wedding. Because she told me that they never really managed to "merge" things. They still had separate bank accounts and considered things yours & mine. They got in a fight and he told her "get the hell out of MY house" since her name isn't on it.
I think she really just expected that to all change and merge. And that's the problem. DH & I still have all of our separate accounts, we still pay things separately, one of us owns the house, and we have not a single problem because went in expecting to keep things how they were. We didn't suddenly feel the need to get a joint account and change anything we were doing. What we do works and we like it. I get the feeling that the way they were doing it didn't work and she wanted to change it after the wedding.

FI and are in our premarital sessions now, and one of the things that we have been extensively talking about has been when desires turn into expectations. Basically that, before you get married you have these desires (new house, merging everything, spending all of your time together etc) and then when you get married those turn into expectations, and if they aren't being met, then it can make you the other person spiteful or upset. So that could be what happened with your friend. Her expectations were too high and her H felt like he couldn't reach the bar? Idk.. regardless I hate that for her, and I'm so sorry she is going thru that.

badbnagdway · February 2015

jenna8984 said:

badbnagdway said:

That's really interesting, re, the merging. Had they lived together prior to getting married? Had they discussed finances and combining their lives?

I know a married couple who had been married five years before they merged their bank accounts. They owned real property together and lived together prior to getting married, but for some reason they had never merged together the money. They decided to do it because they wanted to be budgeting and saving better. I think it was quite the adjustment for them both to go from no accountability to knowing what the other spent on everything.

How have other posters handled the money, have you talked about it, do you have combined accounts?

They did live together for about 7 of the 8 years, and even moved across the country together. They were happy in FL for a few years, and moved back home to our area a few years ago. It seemed like they had experienced a lot together and had it figured out. But I guess not??
I honestly don't think DH & I will ever combine our accounts. I'm the saver, he's the spender. I know all of his income and expenses and the percentage he gives me for bills and to invest in long term savings. I'm very particular with my money and my 7 different savings accounts (that he knows about and contributes to) and it would honestly just be a huge disaster if we had one giant account. BUT even though the accounts are in our own names and managed individually, we still consider it both of ours. If he needs $500 out of the "home improvement" account, I just give it to him. I'm not like "no, that's mine" even though I'm the one who manages it. By the way my friend explained things, it sounds like they had similar going on except her husband did say "no it's mine" and she expected that to change.

Yeah to me that's surprising that they would be ready to separate after spending so many years together and so short a time married. I can see how someone acting like, "my money!" would be hurtful and insulting when you are building a life together.

FI and I bought a house and moved in together within a month or so of getting engaged. I had never lived with anyone I was romantically involved with before and have found it to be an adjustment, which is why I was wondering about what they did beforehand. In our case it's been a good thing over all, but it is just different to have each other around all the time, even though we practically lived together before. We own our house together, and we both now put half of our pay checks into a joint checking account to pay all the bills (mortgage, student loans, etc.) and then maintain separate bank accounts with the remainder. It's hard to imagine that our lives will change all that much once we're married in a few months, I feel like most of the big changes have happened already. Which, again, is why I was wondering about your friends and what they did before hand.

I'm sorry for your friends, that must be hard.

climbingsingle · February 2015

lolo883 said:

I think you got it exactly with people expecting to change. If you think your life is suddenly going to become rainbows and sunshine, or your SO will be more faithful or less mean or whatever, you're going into it for the wrong reasons and you'll be harshly disappointed. Personally, while nothing has changed in our day to day life, I feel more... IDK, responsible? protective? of our relationship now that we're married. Not that I took it lightly before, but it does feel more like a Really Big Deal now, and I love that.

I think it's interesting that some people say the first year is the hardest, while others say the first year is still a honeymoon phase so it's the easiest. I think a lot of that has to do with expectations.

Totally agree with the bolded.

We still mostly keep our money separate. We have a joint account for household items, but we both still have our own checking and savings accounts.

emmaaa · February 2015

badbnagdway said:

That's really interesting, re, the merging. Had they lived together prior to getting married? Had they discussed finances and combining their lives?

I know a married couple who had been married five years before they merged their bank accounts. They owned real property together and lived together prior to getting married, but for some reason they had never merged together the money. They decided to do it because they wanted to be budgeting and saving better. I think it was quite the adjustment for them both to go from no accountability to knowing what the other spent on everything.

How have other posters handled the money, have you talked about it, do you have combined accounts?

@badbnagdway H and I combined our accounts when we first moved in together (about two years ago). We got married this past December so didn't have to worry about that. The reason we combined is because we both young and at the time I was in school and he was working full time. His paycheck paid the bills and was spending money and the money I made paid the rent. It was a lot easier for the accounts to just be together so I didn't have to ask for gas money or money for lunch that day. It also helped us separate the whole, my money, your money thing. Now, H is in school and my income pays for mostly everything.

We will keep everything joint even when he graduates in May because we're used to it. We each have our own savings accounts, which honestly has like $50 in but we use that when we buy each other gifts.

LadyMillil · February 2015

We lived together for close to 5 years before getting married (and were recognized as common-law), so nothing really changed when we got married. I think our hardest year so far was our first year living together. There were a lot of adjustments. I also think our second year of marriage is going to be quite difficult because we will be TTC, I'll be finishing my PhD and looking for a job, DH will be going back to school and we will be preparing for The Big Move, but I believe we have a strong foundation for our marriage so I am confident we will get through it all together.

larrygaga · February 2015

I think that's on point about expecting the marriage to be better than the relationship. I personally know a few girls who bullied their man into marrying them for the PPD and promptly break up.

See FI and I already function as a married couple so the only big change I am thinking is to finally move to the actual status. I don't like being the girlfriend when I do everything a wife does. I just want the title LOl. I'm so excited to be officially family.

Tami87 · February 2015

I have been married for about 2.5 years now and I think the second year of marriage was much harder for us than the first. We were together for 5 years before we got married but did not live together, but I didn't find the adjustment to living together after marriage too difficult. Sure there were minor adjustments, but nothing crazy came up. We combined finances pretty soon after we got married and use a joint checking account for most things. We each have a credit card in our own name, but discuss first if we plan to make a larger purchase.

The second year of marriage was much more difficult due to life circumstances. My husband was dealing with a lot organizational changes at work and was very unhappy with his job so after we talked about it, he decided it wasn't worth the toll on his mental health and quit. (Turns out they let go most of the office a few months later anyway). But it was quite stressful for both us while he was looking for a new job and to see our savings slowly drain to cover the bills. There were a lot of fights about money. It was challenging for me to try to remain supportive and encouraging and not frustrated that he hadn't found a new job yet. While my husband was also dealing with feeling depressed that he was out of work and that he was letting me down. Things also weren't going that great at work for me. Neither of us thought about calling it quits, but it was a stressful time in our marriage. Thankfully now the job situation is much improved.

But I can see why they say finances is a big issue in many divorces. I think with the couple OP mentioned it seems like their expectations were not the same about how things would or would not change with marriage. I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into. Obviously I feel this wasn't the case in my situation and I think not living together before marriage was the right decision for us. I also think it is just as often that you hear people who have lived together having issues because they didn't discuss expectations of what will or will not be different when they are married vs living together because they have already been through the adjustment of moving in together. I think in either case the most important thing is to talk about what your expectations are and talk about the big issues before marriage whether you already live together or not.
*Edited because I can't spell/type

sarahufl · February 2015

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.

JennyColada · February 2015

It's the same in that our pre-marriage issues haven't magically solved themselves so we are working through the same times.

It's harder and more stressful in that we both made the conscious decision to work through them together (via marrying each other).

I can see how some people may feel "trapped" and that makes them want out ASAP, but those are probably the people who shouldn't have gotten married in the first place and ignored their gut and head for their heart.

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

sarahufl said:

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.

Ditto.

princessleia22 · February 2015

We've been married about 8 months and it's been fairly easy. We had lived together for nearly 5 years before the wedding. Around 3 years living together, we both got laid off work around the same time, so we pooled all our resources and got joint accounts at that time. After that we never went back to "yours" vs. "mine"... it was all "ours". We really don't ever fight about anything. We may have disagreements at times, but I think we've only had one yelling fight in the 6 years we've been together. We usually see eye-to-eye on things, but if we do disagree we are good at communicating and compromising before it ever turns into an issue. Getting married didn't really change anything, but I do think there is a bit of a closer bond there.

I have a friend who got married a couple months after me and it sounds like it's been much harder for her. They had been long distance for most of the dating, then moved in together a couple months before the wedding, so they really didn't know each other as well as they should have. They both have previous kids, so that created added complications. And they are both rather independent and stubborn type people, creating some head butting. So, that has created a lot more to overcome in the first year of marriage. It's sad seeing them going through a rough time when it was such a smooth and easy transition for me.

daria24 · February 2015

We've been married almost 3 years, and it's been very easy. We lived together about 2 years before getting married, and even that wasn't particularly hard. When I look down the road, I think the hard years are ahead of us. H is an only child, his parents are in their 80s, I know that dealing with them aging and dying and dealing with their property and all that stuff is going to be very hard. We've both watched our parents deal with their parent's getting old and sick and seen the strain it's put on their marriages, and so I feel like that is going to be a far greater test of our relationship than adjusting to living together.

But we have it easy now for a lot of reasons. We don't/won't have kids. We were both financially secure before we started dating and we have very similar views on money. We have both separate and joint accounts, contribute an equal % to joint expenses. And neither of us truly cares what the other person spends on anything, so long as they don't go into debt. Our political/social/religious views are 99.9% the same but we have very different interests and hobbies, and spend a lot of time on those separate interests (and support each other in pursuing those interests). So I think the main things that couples argue about (kids, money, political/religious differences) we don't really ever need to argue about those things.

doeydo · February 2015

holyguacamole79 said:

sarahufl said:

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.

Ditto.

I'm glad it worked for all of you, personally though, I don't think I could marry someone before dating them for a lot of years and living with them for some, too.

penguin44 · February 2015

larrygaga said:

See FI and I already function as a married couple so the only big change I am thinking is to finally move to the actual status. I don't like being the girlfriend when I do everything a wife does. I just want the title LOl. I'm so excited to be officially family.

This is how it was for me too. It felt like people didn't see us as a family unit until we got married.

We went through many different levels of employment together, so our finances have always basically been combined.

Lowell14 · February 2015

We've only been married 3 months but so far, nothing has changed. We've been together for 6 years and lived together for 5.5 years. We merged households, bank accounts, gone through a divorce, a year of immigration and unemployment for 6 months.

We've had so many things occur the last 6 years, marriage doesn't feel different. I hope thats a good thing

l9i · February 2015

DH and I have been married about 7 months and all has been well. We were together for 5 years prior, with 4 of those living together. We also had finances combined prior to being married. For us we've gone through various stages of where he worked more than me and covered most expenses, and then it flipped, and then it was even, etc, etc. So we got used to "ours" very early. For the most part we both have similar spending habits, not too much extra spending but every now and then we do splurge on ourselves.

I don't feel much different being married other than I like being "official" (I think someone else mentioned 'acting' the wife and wanting the title). People ask me "How's married life?" and I never know how to respond. I feel like if I say "The same" they will think I'm crazy because of the hype that either everything is blissful or it's hard.

Chipmunk415 · February 2015

We are 26 days away from our first wedding anniversary. It has been a tough year, due to external factors (sudden death of bil, cancer diagnosis for my dad, blow up and radio silence with DH's dad and stepmom). But I feel like we've grown closer facing all of this as a married couple rather than as individuals with support. DH did tell me the other day how he could not have gotten through everything with his side of the family without me there to hold him, encourage him, and when absolutely necessary, go full out tiger on others to leave him alone.

We're looking back on the past year and saying "if this is the bad times, the rest of our lives will be really good together"

Blergbot · February 2015

Tomorrow will be 4 months for us. We lived together a little over a year before getting married. It was easy then, and it's relatively easy now. That said, I got pregnant 3 1/2 months before the wedding, we had said wedding, bought a house (which we closed on two weeks after the wedding), and moved into the house all during my last semester of grad school. H's position at work changed right before the wedding, too. H feels like he never gets a moment to breathe lately. But our relationship has been great. We'll see what happens in early April when our entire dynamic may change.

FiancB · February 2015

7 months here. We've together for 3 years and lived together for 2. Sometimes I forget we're married. like I'll think "oh it'll be nice to get married" and have to remind myself that nope, we've done that already haha. So obviously not a lot has changed except for no longer pretending we don't live together to my parents (which I know isn't the Best Most Responsible Decision in most cases, but in my parents' case, yeah it is).

We've had some stressors and we might get really frustrated and stressed for a bit but we come out of it closer and stronger. Time will tell but so far so good.

larrygaga · February 2015

sarahufl said:

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.

What I personally mean by this is that you should do it to be sure you're compatible before signing that oh so very binding marriage contract. Dating for a long time is so so different than combining households. Unfortunately living together doesn't always work out like it apparently did for you guys, and it's better to be able to just leave without involving a lawyer. Just remember what you experience is only what you experience and not a good sample of the world. At all.

But the real moral of the story is you can't really generalize any concept in marriage.

sarahufl · February 2015

larrygaga said:

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.
What I personally mean by this is that you should do it to be sure you're compatible before signing that oh so very binding marriage contract. Dating for a long time is so so different than combining households. Unfortunately living together doesn't always work out like it apparently did for you guys, and it's better to be able to just leave without involving a lawyer. Just remember what you experience is only what you experience and not a good sample of the world. At all. But the real moral of the story is you can't really generalize any concept in marriage.

I respect your thoughts, and I know they are pretty widely shared. But here is the thing, I knew my H well enough LONG before we got married that I knew what it would be like.

From very early on, we had open, frank discussions about what we expected out of marriage. We traveled together, spent lots of time with each other's families, we knew what we expected from each other and made well-informed, adult decisions.

Without living together.

To insinuate that the ONLY way you can really know someone is to combine households and live together isn't really true. You need to do your homework regardless, but you can easily do it with different addresses.

bethsmiles · February 2015

larrygaga said:

Tami87 said:

I get frustrated when I hear people say that you have to live with your spouse before marriage to know what you are getting yourself into.

I get annoyed by this, too. We didn't live together, but that doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into.
What I personally mean by this is that you should do it to be sure you're compatible before signing that oh so very binding marriage contract. Dating for a long time is so so different than combining households. Unfortunately living together doesn't always work out like it apparently did for you guys, and it's better to be able to just leave without involving a lawyer. Just remember what you experience is only what you experience and not a good sample of the world. At all. But the real moral of the story is you can't really generalize any concept in marriage.

I have to admit that I used to get annoyed at the you should live together before getting married comments because SO and I weren't planning to. But now that SO and I are talking about moving in together before getting married I actually feel a little relieved that we can adjust to living together before getting married. We've been together for almost 6.5 years and I'm not really expecting any big surprises but that doesn't mean it won't be an adjustment!

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

The thing about living together is a lot of times you come across things you never could have known to ask about. At that point, the issue is more about knowing how to fight respectfully and work through issues than anything. I never could have known how blood-boilingly mad I'd get when H would essentially hide the shit I left out - he wanted the house to look tidy, but didn't know where my stuff went, so he'd just stick it in whatever the hell cabinet/room/box/hiding place he could think of, and I would lose my mind trying to find my shoes for work in the morning. For us, this happened before we were married. For many people, it happens after. Either way, you either decide "I can't live like this; I'm out" or you work through it. If you're committed to working through that little shit and not let it build up and lead to bigger fights, it doesn't matter whether it happens before marriage or after. If you're not committed, you're doomed either way.

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

I didn't find the first year as the toughest. If anything, it was pretty blissful, even though we did a bunch of remodeling and some other stuff that counts as "life stressors" or whatever (death, moving, new job, etc...).

We lived together for 2+ years before getting married. We bought a house before we got married, so that was out of the way. We had a lot of the deal-breaker conversations before hand.... So it was basically business as usual with the added knowledge that we were married.

VulgarGirl · February 2015

We've been together for over 10 years, lived together for over 9 years. Honestly our wedding was...a change in legal status and publicly saying "I choose her for life" to people we like a lot.

In all other ways, we considered ourselves life partners long before the wedding. We had combined our households, were on the same health insurance, shared a Costco membership and cell phone plan. We were each other's POAs, emergency contacts, and a whole buttload of other shit. There were so many papers. We even knew each other's ATM pins! (that's love yo)

I agree with @lolo883 though, it feels like I need to work harder to protect this thing between us now. I can't really put into words better than that. Those are good words. Cause, I stood up in front of my community and said "Yeah, this chick, forever" so I need to work on making sure that happens.

OMHs- Is the first year the toughest?

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