For those waiting for a proposal....

loves2shop4shoes · February 2015

I'm married, but I'll play.

How long have you been waiting?

DH proposed to me a month shy of the 3 year mark.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

I would've waited a few years, at least. Getting married eventually was something that was important to me, but who you're marrying is a much bigger issue than WHEN you're marrying.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

Honestly, DH proposed very quickly. We started talking about getting married in December or January. We started ring shopping in March or so. He bought my ring in June. He proposed in July. He kept it moving, and while I had a month or so of BSC "OMG HE GOT THE RING, WHEN IS HE GOING TO PROPOSEEEEE," there was never a time when I got upset about our timeline.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

bethsmiles said:

@justadream0315 - Don't be afraid to ask your BF why the proposal hasn't come yet. I feel like this is a conversation a lot of women avoid having because they don't want nag or seem pushy but it's so important to know you are both on the same page. It's your life and your relationship too, you shouldn't be totally in the dark about what's happening.

You hit that one on the nail! I'm ballsy when it comes to everything, but when it comes to talking about this with my BF, I chicken out. Like you said, I didnt want him to feel like I was pressuing him to do it like now, so I just told myself to take a backseat and just wait. We will be having a nice talk about this very soon. Thanks!

Knottie28105715 · February 2015

New to this site but I have to say it does seem like you all gang up on each other from reading this thread. Was expecting these forums to be uplifting to each other.

When a general question is put out there for people to answer if they want, answer parts if they want, or just read the replies and not chime in, it is kinda rude to say "none of your business". It wasn't a question directed at any one person.

Also seems like some of the responses, especially the embedded images, directed to LifeisAJourney, was rude.

bethsmiles · February 2015

lifeisgood29 said:

New to this site but I have to say it does seem like you all gang up on each other from reading this thread. Was expecting these forums to be uplifting to each other.

When a general question is put out there for people to answer if they want, answer parts if they want, or just read the replies and not chime in, it is kinda rude to say "none of your business". It wasn't a question directed at any one person.

Also seems like some of the responses, especially the embedded images, directed to LifeisAJourney, was rude.

I'm going to tell you right now, I'm rolling my eyes at this post.

This is a fantastic group of women. They are extremely supportive and kind and caring and hilarious. They are also blunt. They state their opinions honestly and sometimes we disagree with each other. That doesn't mean we are ganging up on each other or being mean. Interacting with people who view things differently than you or have a different opinion is a part of being an adult and especially part of being part of an online community.

It's also important to remember that a large element of communication is missing in online communication. There is no non-verbal communication or even tone of voice. So while you might read someone's words one way, it's always a good idea to reflect on if you are making assumptions about how they meant it.

And finally, there is definitely a long history on this board. So while some responses may seem out of context to someone who is newer to the boards that doesn't mean they are out of line or unwarranted.

phira · February 2015

Another OMH playin' along.

I wasn't ever waiting for a proposal; my husband and I talked about timelines after we'd been dating for about a year, and we agreed that we wanted to get engaged after living together for a year. So a year after we moved in together, we got engaged. At that point, we'd been together a couple months shy of 2 years.

Honestly, the engagement date wasn't something I cared a lot about; I just didn't want to rush into things, and living together a year seemed like a good "minimum" before I could feel okay saying, "All right, let's get married." I would have been fine getting married at any point after that, but my husband didn't want to elope, and so we needed time to save and book vendors and make more paper flowers than I ever imagined I'd make. I do think that if we'd been together for three or more years and there was no sign that he was ready to get married, we'd have had a problem.

So yeah. The only reason we didn't get engaged sooner than we did was because we both agreed that we wanted to wait until we'd lived together a year. But there was no waiting besides that.

Honestly, if you're feeling insecure and stressed, I'd talk with your partner about timelines. Think about proposals in terms of what it means: two people deciding that they want to marry each other, sharing that decision with friends and family, and figuring out the details of making that marriage happen.

And finally, I think it's helpful to keep in mind that tone isn't always clear on the forums. That means it's easy to feel like you're getting ganged up on when no one really meant that, or that it's easy to accidentally make someone feel that way because of your word choice. So, unless someone is like ... super obviously IN YO FACE asshole about something, I try to just brush it off and go, "Okay, tone doesn't translate well."

GoldenPenguin · February 2015

lifeisgood29 said:

New to this site but I have to say it does seem like you all gang up on each other from reading this thread. Was expecting these forums to be uplifting to each other.

When a general question is put out there for people to answer if they want, answer parts if they want, or just read the replies and not chime in, it is kinda rude to say "none of your business". It wasn't a question directed at any one person.

Also seems like some of the responses, especially the embedded images, directed to LifeisAJourney, was rude.

WildMagelet · February 2015

Engaged, but I'll play:

How long have you been waiting?

There was no official "start date" to our relationship, but we'd been together for around 9 years, and friends for more than 10 before he proposed. I thought that I was 'ready and waiting' for just shy of 6 years. He is worth the wait.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

I had mixed emotions on this one. I knew that FI was the man I wanted to marry and I felt like I was ready for marriage, but I wasn't in any hurry to get married (it wouldn't have changed anything in our relationship). My only "time limit" was that it was important for us to be married before we were going to TTC.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

It wasn't our time. First I was finishing college, then I left the country for my internship. We had a transitioning period when I got back from our short-term as LDR again. I hit a rough patch with one of his kids. We bought a car. Then we bought a house. Lots of things came up as to why we didn't want to be planning/paying for a wedding but we were together and that's what mattered. Our commitment to each other wasn't any different just because there wasn't a ring on my finger.

speakeasy14 · February 2015

On mobile so apologizing now if TK eats my paragraphs.

How long have you been waiting?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We both had long term relationships that ended badly (were just bad relationships in general), and so the first two years of our relationship were very casual.

I have always stated that I wanted to live with someone for at least a year before any type of proposal. We put an offer on a house a little over a year ago, closed in August, and have been doing a complete remodel since; should be finally ready to move in a few weeks. Honestly, this whole process has been so exciting that I haven't even thought about anything other than living with the man I love. I wouldn't say that I'm waiting for a proposal; I'm just enjoying this new stage in our relationship.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

I still would like to live with my boyfriend for a while just because I want to know that we can stand living with each other. I no longer have the one year time frame. There is no rush or time limit, when we're both ready, it will happen.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

Neither of us are ready.

parkera92 · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?

My boyfriend and I will celebrate our 2 year anniversary this March. I'd say I've only really been waiting for a month. I just graduated from college this past December and have moved out of my home state to be with my boyfriend. We've talked about being engaged prior to me moving here, but now we're both a lot more serious about it.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

Due to money being the reason we're not engaged yet, I'd say a couple of years probably.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

The only reason we're not engaged right now is due to money.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?

About since I met him. I knew right away he was the one for me, but our relationship has never been easy. We had the "I really like you and think we should date" conversation...but we were both seriously involved with other people, so we didn't. After those relationships ended, we reevaluated our friendship...and then he left for an overseas job for a year. We kept in touch constantly, and then started dating the next year...but we worked in the same department, so we had to keep it very quiet. He told me he wanted to marry me...then he got posted overseas again. He's been back for about 6 months, and we're still long distance. I'll see him tomorrow for the first time since Christmas. So I guess I've been "waiting" about 4 years at this point. And I have definite BSC tendencies, so it's been really hard, I won't lie. It doesn't help that I'm the oldest of 4 children, and in that 4-year time span my first sister (2 years younger) and her husband had a baby, and my sister (4 years younger) and soon my brother (8 years younger) have gotten engaged and then married. I've always had a pretty severe case of "I'm the oldest I have to do this first!" syndrome, so I would be lying if I said atching them made it any better.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have a time limit for it)?

I'll wait for him forever. I nearly married the wrong person once, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the right person for me. He's 16 years older than I am, and we do want to have kids, so I probably will start getting really antsy if we're not married within the next 5 years. But if the time's not right, the time's not right, and I'll wait.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

It hasn't been the right time. It's as simple as that. (He also has this thing about needing to propose in a foreign country, because our first date was while we were traveling overseas with a group from the school and he feels like when he proposes it should be better than our first date...it's super adorable.)

I'll say this too: I'm a pretty firm believer in the idea that things happen for a reason, and that things will work out when they're supposed to, and it's been really interesting to see how, even though none of my "plans" have worked out, it's okay. I definitely pressure him...I don't always mean to, but getting married is really important to me, and sometimes my BSC comes out. It's helped me learn to treasure the time we do have together, and look forward to the day when I can actually see him more than 3 weeks out of the year. Plus, I've been able to grow as we've grown closer together. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 6 months before I met him, and I had a lot of healing and management of my disease to learn how to do. He's been with me every step of the way. It will happen when the time is right, and in the meantime I will love every minute, every email, and every text message I get to share with this incredible man. [End sap. Sorry...you caught me the night before he comes home.]

samarixe · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?

We've been together for almost 8 years. I haven't been actively waiting for very long. We bought a house a little over a year ago. We've been in a good place to get engaged for probably 6 months now.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

I know I was comfortable with getting engaged before he was, and I'd be willing to wait much longer. I wouldn't put a time limit on something like that, just whenever he feels comfortable with it, as long as he keeps me in the loop. But the plan is for it to happen in the next year or so.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

We want to be completely financially stable before the proposal and subsequent wedding.

Btw I'm new around here. I'm planning to stick around, it seems like a great community here.

kaitlynmichelle · February 2015

I'm married but I too will play.

How long have you been waiting?
H proposed on our 9th anniversary.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?
Well, clearly I waited a long time. But we started dating in high school and obviously weren't going to get married right away. We talked about it for years beforehand, and I was ready before he was.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?
Money, job issues, injuries. A lot of things happened between years 8 and 9 that delayed the engagement. By the end I was getting BSC and fed up with life throwing constant curve balls at us. But we wanted to wait until we could afford the wedding we wanted without any financial assistance, come out of that debt free, and not fully deplete our savings.

H also wanted to propose on his own time, and I know that because I was expecting it (since there was a ring) it made him want to delay a bit so it wouldn't feel like a pressured situation.

We had a 9 month engagement.

cu97tiger · February 2015

lifeisgood29 said:

New to this site but I have to say it does seem like you all gang up on each other from reading this thread. Was expecting these forums to be uplifting to each other.

When a general question is put out there for people to answer if they want, answer parts if they want, or just read the replies and not chime in, it is kinda rude to say "none of your business". It wasn't a question directed at any one person.

Also seems like some of the responses, especially the embedded images, directed to LifeisAJourney, was rude.

Edited because I didn't realize you were the OP, Lifeisgood.

One person said 'none of your business', about 20 others answered your question, and two posters told the first person they thought the NOYB comment was rude. Those two people actually know the first person, and so it was a conversation amongst friends, not a random jumping in and telling people how they should and should not act. Maybe focus on all the people who DID answer your question, not those who didn't.

lifeisajourney · February 2015

@lifeisgood29 This was a really interesting post that got a lot of good feedback. I appreciate you trying to defend me but lets focus on the positive. No need to make waves.

poegirlsmores · February 2015

I'm a total lurker, but this thread has been very interesting to me, so I'm going to throw in my 2-cents as well.

How long have you been waiting?
We've been dating for over 4 years now. Despite the fact that we are very young, I had a BSC time period about 2 years ago. My best friend had gotten engaged after only 3 months, so that really messed with my head. However, I'm much better, and I wouldn't say I'm "waiting" so much as if it happened any time from now on, I'd be ecstatic.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?
I tell myself not to put a time limit on it, but I'm sure there would be one. My guess is probably around 10 years together, which would mean another 6 years without it and I'd probably be getting very antsy and insecure.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?
We're quite young to be getting married by typical standards. I'm 21 and he is 22. In my family and small-town culture though, that really isn't that bad. In fact, family has been asking for years when we're getting engaged. That probably contributed to my BSC episode. Nevertheless, it's not the best time for that reason, also because I'm in graduate school and he's unemployed, so it would be best to get settled a bit first. I also think part of him is still unsure if he wants to marry me one day, but as I said, he's 22. I'm not going to fault him for that. If we got to be like 28, having dated for 10 years and he STILL wasn't sure, then it'd be a larger issue.

bethsmiles · February 2015

poegirlsmores said:

I'm a total lurker, but this thread has been very interesting to me, so I'm going to throw in my 2-cents as well.

How long have you been waiting?
We've been dating for over 4 years now. Despite the fact that we are very young, I had a BSC time period about 2 years ago. My best friend had gotten engaged after only 3 months, so that really messed with my head. However, I'm much better, and I wouldn't say I'm "waiting" so much as if it happened any time from now on, I'd be ecstatic.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?
I tell myself not to put a time limit on it, but I'm sure there would be one. My guess is probably around 10 years together, which would mean another 6 years without it and I'd probably be getting very antsy and insecure.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?
We're quite young to be getting married by typical standards. I'm 21 and he is 22. In my family and small-town culture though, that really isn't that bad. In fact, family has been asking for years when we're getting engaged. That probably contributed to my BSC episode. Nevertheless, it's not the best time for that reason, also because I'm in graduate school and he's unemployed, so it would be best to get settled a bit first. I also think part of him is still unsure if he wants to marry me one day, but as I said, he's 22. I'm not going to fault him for that. If we got to be like 28, having dated for 10 years and he STILL wasn't sure, then it'd be a larger issue.

I have to say I hate this reasoning for justifying getting married very young. I come from a small, religious town where everyone gets married young/very fast. You know what I see in that town? A lot of unhappy marriages, a lot of adultery, and a fairly high divorce rate. Everyone's doing it is not a good reason to get married!

And I know you and your BF aren't getting married right now, so this rant isn't directed at you, it's just more a vent for all the people in my home town that can't fathom why BF and I didn't get married when we met at 18.

ChemFanatic25 · February 2015

cu97tiger said:

lifeisajourney said:

Why was it rude? I just asked a question. I was genuinely curious about why you would tell somebody that something is "none of their business" and then proceed to tell them the exact thing you just told them was "none of their business"

This might be the first time, but I agree with LIAJ on this one. I thought peek's comment was the rude one. This is a NEY board, if you don't feel comfortable sharing that info, don't, but it isn't rude to ask why other people are waiting to get engaged.

My DH and I got engaged after just over 3 years together. I was ready to get engaged after 2 years, but he needed more time. It was a rough time for us (mostly for me) but it was worth the wait. I knew it wouldn't be long, and I'm glad I didn't push him to do it any faster than he was comfortable with. I think the reason he needed more time was that he had been married before, and he wanted to be ultra/super/completely/totally sure before he got married again, because the divorce was the hardest thing he had ever gone through.

Gotta jump on this one as well. I agree. I believe peekaboo11's response was a bit harsh when it wasn't necessary.

I am not waiting for a proposal. I've only been dating my BF for 11 months (well a little less than 11 months). I like to think about our future together but honestly I want to enjoy what we have now. Also I recently got out of an engagement about 13 months ago. So I feel that it would look like I was just trying to get married and while that is not the case I don't want that kind of stigma to surround the relationship I am in with my BF.

So I'm traveling with him, trying different foods, enjoying different hobbies with him, and enjoying my time with him. I'm also still finding myself. I am defining who I am and what makes me happy. Obviously I can still do that while I'm married but for right now I want to do it as a "single" person. (I say single because according to my taxes and paycheck I am.)

stefuhknee · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?
I haven't necessarily been waiting for a specific time period but I've started thinking more and more about us getting engaged in the past couple of months which is ultimately what brought me to TK.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

I've expressed to my SO that getting married is very important to me and so I really don't want to wait too long. In April we will have been together for 8 years, we've been living with each other for 2 years and have a 18 month old son together so I'm getting just a teensy bit antsy.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?
I think the proposal hasn't come yet because there are a few things that have taken priority over purchasing an engagement ring and although the ring isn't super important to me, I know that my SO will not propose without one so until we get finish paying off a few more CC bills and have a good amount of $ in savings then it probably won't happen which is what we're working on now so hopefully it wont be too much longer.

drunkenwitch · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?

Am I supposed to be? Am I meeting it at the bar? I suppose I could have a few drinks and wait for it.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?

Well, if I am seeing a movie with the proposal, I suppose I would be willing to wait up until the start of the movie time since there is always 20 minutes of previews and I would still have time to get popcorn. If I am having dinner with proposal, 30 minutes tops, I get stabby when I get super hungry.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

I just go a text from The Proposal, it couldn't find its car keys, then it got stuck in traffic because Mel Gibson was in town shooting a movie and he got out in the middle of the freeway to rant about Albanians and closed all the lanes down, then The Proposal couldn't find any parking except for a $30 lot that was a mile from where we were meeting so The Proposal gave up and went home. I said no problem, we can reschedule.

lilacck28 · February 2015

I"ve been BSC over job stuff the past few weeks... but I always like playing!

(ps- I'm engaged, wedding is this May.)

How long have you been waiting?

We dated for about 2 and a half years before getting engaged, and we had lived together for a little less than 1 and a half (ugh. Math is hard today. We moved in together after 9 months of dating.) I was pretty ready after living with him for a little while, but I basically knew he was on the same page the whole time because... see below. So it wasn't quite "waiting" on my end.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?
FI and I moved quickly... especially since we met fairly young, when I had just graduated college, and he had been out for a year (22 and 23.) But we were just SO compatible, that it didn't feel like a rush at all. After three months of dating, we had our first timeline talk ("I love you"s had already been exchanged, and we'd already discussed that we both eventually wanted to get married and have kids and live in new england, in general.)

It was a joking talk over burgers, I think we had been talking about movies and maybe When Harry Met Sally came up and I told him that I didn't want to date for 8 to 10 years with no mention of marriage, and then break up because of that, and then he gets married 6 weeks later to someone else

He laughed, and said he definitely wouldn't do that to me, and threw out that 26 or 27 or 28 seemed like okay ages to get married to him, and 27- 30+ seemed like good ages to maybe think about kids. I agreed, and we talked about how that would put us around 3 years of dating with a year or two for engagement. That seemed ideal to me. That was the first time we talked about seeing marriage with each other, instead of in general.

And thus, the timeline was kind of set. We really didn't deviate from it, except to move things up a bit (I think moving in together sped things up) and I checked in with him to see if he was still on the same page more than a few times. I'll be a week or so shy from turning 26 and he'll be a few months shy of 27 when we get married... we'll have dated for around 3 and a half years. The ages sound young to me, but it has always felt right, and not rushed, and easy (even when not fun things happen.)

I will admit that I did get antsy to plan things and pick out rings because... pretty. And I did get nervous that he didn't entirely mean it about a year or maybe it was 6 months from when we got engaged... because then it was becoming real and I knew for sure I WANTED it with him. But I just put those fears aside because, I did trust him, and I knew that not taking him at his word was just irrational fear. Anyway, I didn't want to date for 8 or 10 years, or even 5, but I think ultimately, as long as marriage had been on the table and agreed upon I would have been willing to wait that long, if not longer, to marry him.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?
We just kind of naturally followed the timeline....? Our vaguely arbitrary waiting had to do with school and just setting enough time together so that we were sure. We had talked about not getting engaged until I finished grad school, and not getting married until he finished (I went first.) We got engaged right before I finished, and we're getting married half way in between his two years. We decided that him being in school for a year wouldn't make much of a difference to us.

poegirlsmores · February 2015

@bethsmiles Yeah, I definitely agree with you. As I said, it really contributed to my BSCness a while back, and didn't get us anywhere. My opinion on the matter is that if that's what others want to do with their life, that is fine with me and I will support them (if they're my friends and what not) but I'm very much done with thinking I should be making the same decision. At least not for that "this is what people around here do!" reason. I think things come together best for different people at different times. Now is not that time for me.

justbeingme93 · February 2015

IonaErebor · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?

We've been together for four years come April, but she only decided that she wanted to get married at all last year.

How long are you willing to wait (if you have a time limit for it)?

Our five year plan, as it were, is that we would be married with a child, so if she hasn't proposed in three or four years, I'll propose to her instead.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

There's only really one reason, and it's that my partner wants to have a child before we are married. And right now, we are only TTC.

nicemarmot · February 2015

How long have you been waiting?
We had only been together for a couple of months when he told me he will propose on our one year anniversary, so I guess I'm in a bit of a strange situation here. I guess I'm looking forward to the 25th of July, but not really waiting, if that makes sense?

How long are you willing to wait (if you have at time limit for it)?
Oh, if it came to that I would "wait" forever. I have found my soul mate and want to be with him forever anyway. Married or not, I don't really care, I still wouldn't leave him. After my horrible first marriage and very ugly divorce, I've learnt to recognise what's important to me, and although I will be thrilled to marry him, that's just the icing in the cake for me.

What reason(s) the proposal hasn't come yet?

We thought we would wait for a year before getting engaged. It seems like a reasonable amount of time. It's not like we're in a hurry, we know we want to be together forever and that's what's most important to us.

For those waiting for a proposal....

Re: For those waiting for a proposal....

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