Advice-- When to eject a member of your wedding party

[Deleted User] · February 2015

mikenberger said:

Knottie57918148 said:

My fiance is letting me use her account to post this question:

I have a friend who I asked to be a groomsman in our wedding who is generally lazy and self centered. He was unemployed (by his own volition) and I specifically chose suits for the party to wear which were cheap, as to not create too much of a burden financially on anyone. Some people are flying across the country to be a part of this, as well.

I don't like the idea of renting a tuxedo, to pay $300 for something that in the end you don't get to keep. Aforementioned Party Member owns a tuxedo and immediately complained that we should all wear tuxedos, since that was what he already had. He complained about the burden on him to shell out money for a dark grey suit. He has green, brown, and a tuxedo, why can't he wear one of those?

Fast forward to two months before the wedding, and now he has (begrudgingly) become gainfully employed. Every other bridal party member has submitted their jacket and waist sizes to order their suits for the wedding and are happy to have cheap, stylish suits (slim fit cheap Italian imported things, they look pretty cool). Now that Aforementioned Party Member is no longer feeling the burn of $150 cutting into what little money he doesn't have, he has informed me that he plans to buy a dark grey suit of his liking. He said he plans to spend about double what I had set, on a different suit out to his liking, from my number which was to keep things reasonably priced for everyone.

So, I've pretty much had it. I'm at the end of my rope with him. We have also been roommates for the past year and having no job and no money has taken its toll on our friendship, because he's just as difficult to deal with in a living situation as he has been with this issue on the attire. We've known each other for 15 years, and I'm at the point where I am going to tell him to not worry about getting the suit for the wedding, since he is no longer welcome to be part of the wedding party. In my swirling mix of emotions, I'm tempted to tell him that if coming to the wedding is such a burden on him (protocol is that one gives a gift to the bride and groom as well, more money to spend), that he should not trouble himself with that, either.

I don't think that this is out of line, but I'm worried that in the long term I may regret giving such a large middle finger to a person I've known for 15 years.

Thoughts?

Ahhh the large middle finger. My favorite of all gestures.

Here's what I would do:
"Let's go have a beer."
---Time passes for 2 beers each----
"How's the new job? That's great/bummer/shitty! I just kinda wanted to check in with you because I noticed you've been extra shithead-esque lately. Anything you wanna talk about?"

Who knows, he might bring up the wedding, you might bring up the wedding. But attempt to connect as friends first, wedding second. He was your friend before the wedding and hopefully after. But some people are just shitheads in general. It's just their personality. As long as he knows that he doesn't have to go all rogue and buy a suit that's 2x more expensive, that's fine. And when he brings it up "Dude, you decided to go all Clark Kent and buy a suit. I tried to help you, but you didn't take my advice." Just push it back on him -- it was his decision in the first place.

Sounds like the unemployment period and living together has taken a toll on each of you. Whether you're unemployed by choice or by force, it's not fun. It's kind of cool for like a week. Then you're like "WTF do I do with myself??" and then it all kinda goes downhill from there.

It does sound though that you're not ready to totally shit on the relationship. And that's good. Just gotta figure out if he's in it with you. Who knows, he might change pace for the wedding and then you'll just slowly drift apart after you get married. It's been known to happen once or twice.

I think this is a great idea, could be the thing that saves your friendship & resolves the situation

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

Knottie57918148

What was the resolution?

MadHops21 · February 2015

novella1186 said:

I agree with Flantastic. If you're ready to end the friendship --wedding aside-- then do it. It sounds like he's not too great of a friend anyway, so maybe it won't be much of a loss to you.

If you're not ready to end the friendship, then this:

EllieAugust said:

The rule for the Wedding Party is that they have to show up, dressed in the outfit chosen sober (ish). Let him know that you have picked out the suit that the groomsmen will be wearing; and if he wants to be included in the wedding party, you would like him to wear it. If he chooses not to, then he will taking himself out of the wedding party.

And it is really hard to find a full tux rental for less than $150!

Edited:grammer is hard!

All he needs to do is show up on time for the wedding in the correct attire. If he can't handle getting the correct attire, then he has stepped out of the wedding party.

My fiance is in a similar situation with his best man; they've known each other since they were kids but the dude is kind of an asshole, and he's been really difficult about wedding stuff and refuses to get a gray suit (any gray suit in the world! His choice!) so I totally get that it can be super frustrating.

But when you put the frustration and history aside, it becomes pretty simple: you a) end the friendship and he's out or b) remind him to get the correct attire or he removes himself. That easy.

I've always been curious about this. What if the GM shows up in a white suit? Instead of the grey one? Does he not walk down the aisle and stand with the rest of the wedding party? Do you have security escort him out?

LondonLisa · February 2015

What I don't understand: you are close enough to this person to initially want him to be your best man, but are willing to not be friends with him anymore over the shade of gray his suit is?

As PP have said, slim fit Italian suits are a fad that only look good on certain body types. If he can buy it for $150, it is going to be made out of cheap polyester with shoddy craftsmanship. It will most likely split at the reception. I'm team GM: I would much rather spend $300 on a nice suit that rather than one that is dangerous to wear near a naked flame!

Did you ask him if he liked the suit and what his budget was beforehand?

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

LondonLisa said:

As PP have said, slim fit Italian suits are a fad that only look good on certain body types. If he can buy it for $150, it is going to be made out of cheap polyester with shoddy craftsmanship. It will most likely split at the reception. I'm team GM: I would much rather spend $300 on a nice suit that rather than one that is dangerous to wear near a naked flame!

Did you ask him if he liked the suit and what his budget was beforehand?

No joke- someone I went to school with posted her wedding pictures recently. Groomsmen were in gray suits. One guy's pants split in the back. The picture is funny, but I wonder how he felt going around the rest of the afternoon and all evening in ripped pants!

Quality, folks!

Dreamergirl8812 · February 2015

So far this is my favorite euphemism for kicking someone out of the WP. I picture OP and GM in a little plane with OP's finger hovering over the big red button.

Advice-- When to eject a member of your wedding party

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