Dear Prudence,
My husband “Rob” and I have struggled for almost 10 years to have children and we are now in our late 30s. My husband only has a 5 percent chance of fathering a child. We are discussing artificial insemination by a sperm donor and Rob said he would want to pick a donor who looked like him and had similar intellectual strengths. He also wants to give his own sperm sample at the same time and have the samples mixed so that he can psychologically maintain the possibility that the child could be his biologically. When we asked the doctor if this idea was OK, he said no. He said he believes children have a right to information about their specific biological background. Unfortunately, Rob doesn’t want to proceed if we have to inform anyone that the child is not his, even though intellectually he understands that the real father is the one who raises the child. Here’s my dilemma: I could afford a few rounds of artificial insemination from another physician without Rob knowing about it. Do I do it and, if it works, let him believe that we hit the 5 percent jackpot? Or is this the kind of information that would ultimately get out and potentially explode our relationship and damage our parental relationship with the child? Please tell me straight up if I’m terrible for even thinking such a thing could work.