Etiquette

Wedding shower after wedding and before reception??

So we have a slightly odd order of marital events. Long story short, my dad has stage four cancer and they are taking him off of treatment. I wanted him to be present at my wedding so my now husband and I had a small church wedding with just immediate family last month. We are still having the typical reception in the fall but I wasn't risking dad not being there. 
Is it okay for my aunt and mom to throw us a "couple's shower" with family (all of which are invited to the reception) more as a way to congratulate us on our marriage now? They are using this as an opportunity to celebrate the wedding not to do the typical bridal shower thing. 

Re: Wedding shower after wedding and before reception??

  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    So we have a slightly odd order of marital events. Long story short, my dad has stage four cancer and they are taking him off of treatment. I wanted him to be present at my wedding so my now husband and I had a small church wedding with just immediate family last month. We are still having the typical reception in the fall but I wasn't risking dad not being there. 
    Is it okay for my aunt and mom to throw us a "couple's shower" with family (all of which are invited to the reception) more as a way to congratulate us on our marriage now? They are using this as an opportunity to celebrate the wedding not to do the typical bridal shower thing. 


    I'm so sorry about your dad.

    But, the people who are invited to the "reception" weren't invited to the actual wedding, so etiquette wise, I don't believe it's okay to invite them to a shower.

    Also, is the reception in the fall going to be a wedding re-do in any way? Because that's not okay either and these boards (myself included) generally react negatively to wedding skits when there is no actual legal wedding happening.

    image
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueenslevioosaSTARMOON44
  • It’s very nice that your mom and aunt want to throw you a party to congratulate you on your marriage.  They’d be better off calling it a celebration of marriage party than a shower, which is a pre-wedding party.

    Im very sorry about your father.
    STARMOON44
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    Oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is a tough, ugly beast.

    Also, congratulations on your wedding! You are now married, and a shower is a pre-wedding event. The only people who should be invited to any pre-wedding event (engagement party shower, bachelorette) are people who are also invited to the ceremony. Anyone is welcome to throw a party for you any time they'd like, of course, but it really shouldn't be a gifts-expected event like a shower. Your mom could throw a "meet the newlyweds" celebration, but it shouldn't be anything wedding-y. 

    We can't always control the situations in our lives, but you and your husband made the tough decision to move up your wedding to include your father. You're welcome to host a party at any time, but your reception in the fall shouldn't be a recreation of your wedding ceremony or smack as anything more than a dinner party. Your guests will likely be more than understanding, given the situation.

    Thank you for saying my thoughts way more eloquently than I could.
    image
    eileenrobahoyweddingSTARMOON44
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    So we have a slightly odd order of marital events. Long story short, my dad has stage four cancer and they are taking him off of treatment. I wanted him to be present at my wedding so my now husband and I had a small church wedding with just immediate family last month. We are still having the typical reception in the fall but I wasn't risking dad not being there. 
    Is it okay for my aunt and mom to throw us a "couple's shower" with family (all of which are invited to the reception) more as a way to congratulate us on our marriage now? They are using this as an opportunity to celebrate the wedding not to do the typical bridal shower thing. 


    I'm so sorry about your dad.

    But, the people who are invited to the "reception" weren't invited to the actual wedding, so etiquette wise, I don't believe it's okay to invite them to a shower.

    Also, is the reception in the fall going to be a wedding re-do in any way? Because that's not okay either and these boards (myself included) generally react negatively to wedding skits when there is no actual legal wedding happening.

    A typical reception is what follows immediately after the wedding ceremony.  You are absolutely able to host a celebratory party honoring/acknowledging your wedding, but it should not reflect a "typical wedding reception".

    There is no need for anyone to host a shower for you and your husband since this celebration in the fall is what will be used to offer congratulations on your recent marriage.
    InLoveInQueens
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    There's no reason you can't have a "celebration" of your marriage in the fall, but since it's not immediately following the ceremony and the guests won't have attended the actual wedding, it should not be called a "reception."

    You will need to forgo "wedding" elements and not call the event a "shower" or anything that suggests that gifts should be given. 
    InLoveInQueens
  • You can absolutely host a celebration of marriage party in the fall (it can be any formality, you can wear whatever you want including a very fancy gown if you're having a fancy affair, it can have dancing, and toasts, etc.). But it's not a reception because you're not receiving guests who attended the ceremony. It's semantics, but it does matter. You shouldn't be recreating any ceremony events that you already did, or lying to your guests about what the event is.

    Your parents can of course also throw you a celebration, although I do think it would be a little weird for them to throw one for you AND you to throw one, since they're celebrating the same thing. It's completely inappropriate to have a shower after a wedding, and you shouldn't ever call anything a shower unless the sole purpose of the event is to get gifts. 

    Personally, I think you made the right decision, but it does mean you don't get some typical wedding trappings. Tell your mom you'd love to just have a dinner party instead, and then throw your own celebration of marriage party this fall in place of the originally-planned wedding and reception. 
    ahoyweddingShesSoColdInLoveInQueens
  • Just to clarify: We are NOT doing a re-do of our vows or "wedding skit" as it has been referred to here. That also has nothing to do with what I asked and was not mentioned at all.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
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    Just to clarify: We are NOT doing a re-do of our vows or "wedding skit" as it has been referred to here. That also has nothing to do with what I asked and was not mentioned at all.


    Well then you're good! A reception, by definition happens immediately after an event so your description of a reception months after your ceremony was a little confusing.

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    ahoyweddingMandyMostInLoveInQueens
  • Just to clarify: We are NOT doing a re-do of our vows or "wedding skit" as it has been referred to here. That also has nothing to do with what I asked and was not mentioned at all.
    “Typical reception” in your OP may have thrown us off.  Yeah as long as there are no vows, wedding party, first dance...you’re good.  Throw the party you’d been planning, if that includes an open bar, tons of food, a DJ, go for it.  
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    Just to clarify: We are NOT doing a re-do of our vows or "wedding skit" as it has been referred to here. That also has nothing to do with what I asked and was not mentioned at all.
    To clarify as well, you do not have "a slightly odd order of marital events." 

    You made some choices borne from necessity and the heart.  However, in doing so, you have essentially lost the opportunity to have pre-wedding events such as a shower since you are now "post wedding". 

    As others have said, you can absolutely have a celebration of marriage party, although I do think it makes the most sense to host something sooner than later.  This will be the way guests can offer their congratulations on your marriage.  That is not the point of a shower. 
    ahoyweddingdowntondivacharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
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