Refusing Financial Assistance?

theatribe · February 2015

My FH and I are a few months away from our wedding, and recently his mother approached us regarding the rehearsal dinner. She offered to arrange and pay for the event, since my FH's father gave us money to pay for the honeymoon (the two has been divorced for years and the father is remarried). My FH and I were hesitant, knowing that his mother currently works part time while attending graduate school and living in her parents' basement. Until a few years ago, she was unemployed and her house was foreclosed. She mentioned a few ideas, and after very little discussion, she reserved a fairly expensive restaurant.

I'm not sure how to proceed; she has told my FH that she has enough money to pay for the dinner, but I'm afraid that she still isn't in a position where she should be spending this much. I am very fortunate to have parents who have offered me essentially carte blanche for my wedding (as their only daughter), and both my FH and I have good jobs and no debt other than my mortgage. All things considered, I really appreciate my FMIL's enthusiasm and support, but I feel uncomfortable taking her money.

Any advice?

southernbelle0915 · February 2015

annemarieandaaron said:

My FH and I are a few months away from our wedding, and recently his mother approached us regarding the rehearsal dinner. She offered to arrange and pay for the event, since my FH's father gave us money to pay for the honeymoon (the two has been divorced for years and the father is remarried). My FH and I were hesitant, knowing that his mother currently works part time while attending graduate school and living in her parents' basement. Until a few years ago, she was unemployed and her house was foreclosed. She mentioned a few ideas, and after very little discussion, she reserved a fairly expensive restaurant.
I'm not sure how to proceed; she has told my FH that she has enough money to pay for the dinner, but I'm afraid that she still isn't in a position where she should be spending this much. I am very fortunate to have parents who have offered me essentially carte blanche for my wedding (as their only daughter), and both my FH and I have good jobs and no debt other than my mortgage. All things considered, I really appreciate my FMIL's enthusiasm and support, but I feel uncomfortable taking her money.
Any advice?

If she wants to pay for it, let her pay for it. She may have been saving for this for a very long and it's really important to her to do it.

Ok, off the etiquette soapbox and onto what I might personally do... I might tell her you'll do all the arrangements with the restaurant and work with them to do payment and all that. Put her name on the invites and tell everyone she's hosting. Tell her their quote/bill is $ (when it's probably $$$). I would make up the difference without telling her. Again, I'm not saying you SHOULD do this. But I would probably do it if I were in the financial position to do so and my mom were working part time, trying to finish school and living in her parents' basement.

lilacck28 · February 2015

Hmm. Not sure how I feel either but...

My first instinct is, while you don't ever have to say yes to something that someone offers you, don't insult your FMIL by saying no to this due to your fears about her financial situation. She's an adult, and can spend her money however she wants. But, also be ready for it to not work out if something happens where she can no longer cover it. And... maybe be ready to support her or give her a big birthday gift in the future.

But I don't think this is cut and dry. I understand not wanting to put her out. I would leave this mostly up to your FI, since it's his mom, and he knows her best. If he's also not comfortable, then figure out an excuse other than "but you can't afford it, mom!"

lilacck28 · February 2015

oh. And @southernbelle0915 also has a good (sneaky) idea.

mlg78 · February 2015

She wants to do this and I'm sure it's making her feel good to contribute so don't take that away from her. One thing that could be done to potentially limit the cost is to limit the menu. I created rehearsal dinner menus to do this at ours. It eliminated some of the more pricey dishes yet still included all of the favorites. Or you can just give the restaurant $200 or so prior to the dinner and ask them to take it off the bill and then give the remainder to her.

novella1186 · February 2015

If she says she's able to pay for it, then believe her. This is probably really important to her, and it's not your place to decide what she can/is able to do with her own money since she's an adult. If someone told me, "I know you offered this gift to me, but I don't want it because you shouldn't spend your money this way," I would be really hurt and offended.

That being said, it is really nice of you to be concerned for her. Maybe there's a tactful way for you to split some of the cost. Is there going to be alcohol at this RD? Alcohol can get expensive, so you could say, "Please let me pay the bar tab because there's a specific wine I want and it's important to me." Put it back on you, that you want to cover that cost for YOU, not because you think she isn't able, ya know?

Or work with the venue to plan a less expensive menu. Our RD venue does a smaller version of its menu for larger groups, so we get to pick which entrees end up on our menu. We can pick the least expensive if we want to keep costs down, or the most expensive if we don't care, or anything in between. Do you have the option of doing that, so that it ends up being more affordable?

OliveOilsMom · February 2015

My MIL was in a very similar situation to your FMIL, with a few differences. We never even considered her hosting the RD, because we knew she couldn't afford that. She offered a few times but we told her thanks, but no thanks. At that time my H was paying her property tax bill for her, since she could not. My H would have spoken directly to his mom about booking a fancy restaurant for the RD when she couldn't event afford her own taxes.

So I like Southerbelle's idea of supplementing the RD costs as best you can. I also think that depending on the relationship between your FI and his mom, he should speak to her directly about this, without you there.

blabla89 · February 2015

I totally understand that your heart is in the right place, but etiquette-wise is not appropriate to judge what someone else can or can't afford. When you say she reserved the restaurant after very little discussion, did you agree on the important things, like how many people will be invited?

I do like southernbelle's idea of (discreetly) subsidizing the cost, if you're really concerned about it.

kvruns · February 2015

Is she tied to this location or can a change still be made? perhaps you can find another spot that is less expensive and talk it up like you really want this other place and see if she will change.

otherwise I like the suggestions others made about discreetly picking up the bar tab or doing something like that to lessen the cost for her.

NowIamMrsKlein · February 2015

When we got engaged my FMIL asked us to chat with them if we needed any assistance etc and they would be happy to help out.

I thought it was very sweet of her, but my FI and I had qualms about accepting any money due to the fact that FI 'owes' them money from about 10 years ago, before we were together. They've basically forgiven him this debt and have never mentioned it. However FI and I have every intention of paying them the debt back after the wedding. Given these circumstances we did not feel comfortable accepting any financial assistance from them seeing as FI still considers his debt unpaid.

We took the approach of thanking her for her generosity and told her that at this time we had planned everything within our budget and would not require any assistance besides her support and suggestions. You can say something similar. Don't make it about her not having the money, make it about you already having it covered. And make sure she knows how much the thought is appreciated.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

theatribe said:

My FH and I are a few months away from our wedding, and recently his mother approached us regarding the rehearsal dinner. She offered to arrange and pay for the event, since my FH's father gave us money to pay for the honeymoon (the two has been divorced for years and the father is remarried). My FH and I were hesitant, knowing that his mother currently works part time while attending graduate school and living in her parents' basement. Until a few years ago, she was unemployed and her house was foreclosed. She mentioned a few ideas, and after very little discussion, she reserved a fairly expensive restaurant.
I'm not sure how to proceed; she has told my FH that she has enough money to pay for the dinner, but I'm afraid that she still isn't in a position where she should be spending this much. I am very fortunate to have parents who have offered me essentially carte blanche for my wedding (as their only daughter), and both my FH and I have good jobs and no debt other than my mortgage. All things considered, I really appreciate my FMIL's enthusiasm and support, but I feel uncomfortable taking her money.
Any advice?

I understand your concern regarding your FMIL's offer; however, you have to trust and respect her offer to pay for the dinner. It's very thoughtful to think about her situation, but at the same time, no one is in a position to determine what she can and cannot afford. If she says she can pay for it, then trust her.

I suggest your FI discuss this situation with his mother and not you. If it comes from you, it could look like you're judging her situation (living in parent's basement, foreclosed home, etc) instead of coming off as concerned. He can express his concerns and let her know that it's not required for her to pay. If she continues to insist, let her pay. Maybe this is her wedding gift to you? Sometimes parents get a lot of joy out of doing nice things for their children. Don't deny her that.

SP29 · February 2015

I can understand where you are coming from- if my MIL had offered to pay for the RD (or any part of the wedding) I would say NOOOO!! Because similarly, she is not well off financially, and I would feel very guilty.

However, I agree that as an adult, it would be in poor taste to make a judgement on her finances or tell her how to spend her money.

I think this conversation should be left to your FI to talk to his mom; I think that is the one relationship where he can say, "Mom, we really appreciate your offer, but we don't want you to feel burdened with this cost- we can handle it, and we'd rather you spent your money on yourself".

If she still wishes to do this, as she well may, I agree that putting some money down on the bill prior, without anyone else knowing, and giving her the remainder of the bill would be a sneaky way to deal with it.

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