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RD and "hands off" FIL's-xp

IamnowmrsjmsIamnowmrsjms member
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in Pre-wedding Parties

We're getting married this September...

FI's parents will be paying for our RD, but they are being very hands off w all of the planning.  His brother was married last yr and his Mom complained that she was not included in any decisions (to my knowledge, they did not contribute financially, except for the RD).  Because of this, I'm conscious to include FMIL in our plans (even though my parents are paying for the entire thing).  I face timed w her when I went dress shopping and invited them to be a part of our food tasting in April.  She lives 4 hours away, so FI and I put a list of restaurants together for her to choose one and strongly recommended one to her.  I'm a little annoyed that she has taken no initiative to book the RD and almost want to book and pay for it myself (this would prob be a bad move, though?)

I don't want us to be pushy and bug them about booking, but how long should I wait? I don't want to be stuck a month before the wedding w/o a place booked.  Am I being ridiculous? Overly anxious? Thoughts/suggestions are welcome.  Thank you!

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Re: RD and "hands off" FIL's-xp

  • IamnowmrsjmsIamnowmrsjms member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper

    I def would have him ask her, but am I being unreasonable by expecting this to get done ASAP? 

    I don' want to nag FI unneccessarily. 

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    1) If they aren't paying for the wedding, you don't need to include them in any wedding plans. If you choose to, fine. But I would just inform them of decisions so they feel like you're keeping them in the loop. I would not ask for opinions.

    2) If they offered to pay for the RD, you can start planning whenever the budget is set. I think we planned ours 4-5 months out. Depends on your area though. If stuff books up quickly, I would start sooner. Your FH should be the one interfacing with his parents, though. Especially about their money.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I got married in Sept.   We paid for the RD.  We didn't pick a caterer for the RD (held at a beach rental) until July.


    I get you are anxious, but people book parties all the time in under a few months.  I wouldn't worry too much that it's not booked right now.   Maybe in June started worrying.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • IamnowmrsjmsIamnowmrsjms member
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    Thanks, @lyndausvi.  Yes, I am a bit too anxious sometimes!
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  • erinlin25erinlin25 member
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    If they offered to host it then it's their choice of where to have it and get it booked.  If you are anxious about it let FI ask his parents is they need any help with the plans but don't be too pushy.  You need to trust it will happen. 

    MIL hosted our RD.  It was at a restaurant.  She asked us for some options and we gave her 4 we liked and hinted to the one we liked the best.  She picked the one we liked the best but she dragged her feet with the planning.  We got married in June, I am pretty sure she booked the place in like May.  But end of the day, it was booked and it was beautiful.  She really went above and beyond.

    Some people just don't plan that far ahead and that is OK.  Don't stress yourself out on things that will not really matter when this is all said and done.  Even if its not at the place you like best, I am sure you will have a RD and you IL's will make it nice.  If things fall through you still have plenty of time to have a plan B prepared.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I wouldn't worry about it.

    Don't think about it until the beginning of June (seriously, don't think about it!) and at that point, ask your fiancé to confirm with them that they have made the reservations. If they haven't, he can ask them to do it.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    I'm in a similar spot.  I am also getting frustrated because FPILs have asked us to look into restaurants for them, but haven't given us any guidance about the budget or how many people they want to invite.  I'm working like a maniac 14 hours a day and Fi is shy about asking them these things.

    At this point, Fi has thrown a few suggestions their way and the ball is in their court.  I'm trying not to interfere.  It helps when I remember that if it were up to me, we wouldn't be having a "welcome dinner" (no rehearsal) at all.  So if it doesn't happen, meh-- it wouldn't have happened anyway.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • chloe97chloe97 member
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    I can relate to your anxiety and concur with PP recommendation to forget about it until June.  I am a "planner" too so not having our RD confirmed 6 months out is driving me crazy as well. MY FMIL and FSIL also mentioned that they want to host a shower for me, which is great and lovely, but my BMs and mom keep asking me for the date and I have nothing for them. I obviously can't ask, but with people wanting to come in to town, it would be nice to know ahead of time. 

    In the meantime, I am just proceeding like neither will actually happen, otherwise I may go crazy worrying about it.   
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