Hi everyone!
To preface this question, I never asked any family for help with the budget. My parents came forward and said they would help.
When FI and I got engaged, our plan was to have a wedding that we could afford without expecting financial help from anybody in either of our families. We figured if anybody offered to help, we would look at it as a nice bonus, but never, ever, would we expect it. Over Christmas, my mom said she would help us pay for things, but not everything. While we have been making plans and discussing various ideas, she has mentioned finances, said she will contribute as much money as she can in order to give us the wedding of our dreams, etc. The problem FI and I have is that she has not really specified what she would like to pay for, and it is difficult to know what we should be budgeting for ourselves.
What is a polite way to ask for what she intends to pay for without seeming rude? We are very appreciative of anything they are willing to offer, and understand that when they pay, they get a say, etc. We're just trying to figure out the rest of our budget.
Re: Proper and polite way to ask about budget help?
One thing that helped my parents was understanding the costs of everything. They said right away they would give me an undetermined amount of $$ toward the wedding, but I knew it wouldn't sway my decisions one way or the other. I discussed some venues with her and helped her see how much things cost which then helped her and dad decide how much to contribute since they weren't sure how much anything was other than talking to a couple friends who had children get married recently. Maybe that will help your parents too give a specific amount?
My mom effectively said that if I were younger they might have paid for it all, but also had more input into the planning, but they trust me to use the money how I see fit. Like someone else mentioned, it is more of them reimbursing me for things we're paying for or contracts we are signing as opposed to them writing the check directly to a vendor.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
That being said, ONLY count on that money once it has cleared into your bank account. Trust me. (My dad had offered to pay for my entire wedding, and reneged after getting sued by my mom. And that happened after DH and I had already used the money we saved for the wedding to pay down student loans.)
However your mum has offered to help pay, so you should be able to sit down and discuss it with her."Here's where we are at with planning, we are trying to come up with a final budget. We are fully capable of paying for it all ourselves, but as you mentioned earlier you wished to contribute we wanted to keep you involved in the planning process" This opens up dialogue for her to re-state her intentions, and as you are sitting chatting wedding planning you can maybe mention some options, without outright saying 'mom how much money are you giving me and when"
It may not necessarily match the etiquette answers in the books, but at least you'll know where you stand so there aren't any hurt feelings or fights later.