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Wedding 911
yankeefaniniowa
member
Guest list/reception advice
I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat. I recently saw a very humorous College Humor video where the couple laments that after one's parent invited all their friends from a cruise, they had room for exactly 6 friends or something to that extent but here's my situation.
The FI and I went looking for reception venues. I didn't want a hall that reminded me of a graduation party (ha...too much My Fair Wedding, I guess) so the local community center and my church, large and inexpensive venues, I immediately said no to. Then I found this winery out in the country after my mom mentioned our church friends owned it. I immediately fell in love with the place. Here are my problems:
1. It only holds 150 people.
I have a mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom.
The FI has a mom and dad/stepmom.
The FI's dad's side alone we calculated to be 52 (his dad has 8 brothers and sisters). After everything was said and done we had 172 people on the guest list. It was 158 until the FMIL mom threw a fit about inviting work people and family friends who have known the FI since birth. That dwindled my parents' side down dramatically. Since my folks are paying for most of the wedding, they're kind of irked. I don't know what to do about his dad's side (there is nothing we can really do) but my mom seems to think that if we invite 172 people the sky will fall and they will all show up. She wants it more around the 130 mark. She would rather we only invite 130, actually. That's not gonna happen. And you can bet that the FI and I's extent of inviting friends is our wedding party. Advice? It literally has been the cry-worthy part of my planning apart from when I apparently lost my mind for a day and thought I HAD to have chair covers.
2. It's out in the country about 10-15 miles away from the ceremony. We're going to have beer and wine (no hard liquor per winery rule) available until the quantity we buy runs out, but I'm concerned about transportation. Is it my responsibility to find and provide people with transportation back home/to hotel if they drink too much? The FMIL seems to think it is. My parents, trying to stay on budget, do not. Where do I stand etiquette wise here?
And now I'm gonna have a drink.
PS- The FMIL thinks that the work people won't come but will send money and so we should send a courtesy invite. That just sounds rude.
PSS - I actually really really like my FMIL. She's not a monster in law. She can just be...super dramatic.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Guest list/reception advice
I will be honest and say I got a little lost in your back ground story so let me try and answer this as short and sweet as I can.
1. Your venue only holds 150. Period. Think about this like you would seat belts in a car. You have 4 seat belts therefore 4 people can ride in your car. You in turn have 150 seats, so, you can invite 150 people (INCLUDING YOUR WEDDING PARTY AND YOU AND YOUR GROOM) to the wedding. Period. End of story. Always plan for 100% attendance. What happens if you invite 170-something and everyone says yes (or even just 160)….then what? Additionally I would ask the venue what it looks like set up for 150. My venue “says” it can go a max of 300, I am having 225. Looking at the set up for 225 I cannot see there being enough room for more than 250 without losing a lot of dance floor or making people hit the backs of their chairs together all night. Remember venues will pack as many people they can in before the fire marshal shuts them down so do not count on them to tell you how many COMFORTABLY fit.
Also, do not invite people just for the gifts it’s just tacky.
2. Many people will tell you that in this situation it would be very nice and I would agree. However, I do not believe this is your be-all end-all responsibility. On these boards we say all the time that adults are adults and we cannot dictate their behavior, such as how they dress. I think this applies here. Adults should know where their line is in terms of drinking and not cross it. If they do they need to be responsible enough to find another way home(aka cab, ride with friend..). NOTE: I am not sure the laws in your state or for your venue, if drinking is going on you will probably have to have a licensed bartender serving the booze and a police officer on duty as well. But once again, this is a state by state item.
I hope this helps. Remember this…(s)he who pays gets a say. If your FMIL is not contributing money you really do not have to give her a say. So plan the wedding you and your FI can afford on your OWN. Then invite as few people you want.
Why are you dismissing your mother's opinion on the guest list? Your parents are paying for the reception. They have a right to cap the guest list at 130. Furthermore, they have a right to determine how many guests your fi's family is allowed. You and your FILs should thank them, profusely, for hosting your friends and family members.
Your mom is correct. You should never go over the venue capacity. It's rare to have a 100 per cent acceptance, but it happens. And then what would you do?
You're guests are responsible for their own transportation. You don't have to provide a shuttle. If your FMIL would like one, she should offer to pay for it.
It's rude to offer champagne to the wedding party and not the other guests. Skip it. Or have it while you're getting ready for the wedding, but not in front of the other guests. Running out of beverages or food is poor hosting.
Unless you're able to cut down your guest list and shorten your reception time so you won't run out of wine/beer, the winery doesn't seem like the right venue for your wedding.
OP, I just want to thank you for taking our advice so well. I'm really glad the venue is allowing you more wine. That is awesome. Agreed about the seating outside with PPs. It will feel like they are second rate guests plus the heat will be miserable and expensive to overcome.
As someone who wants to avoid conflict, I know it might feel awkward to tell your FILs the topic is closed, but stand your ground. They had the opportunity before to indicate that they wanted these people on the guest list. Obviously they didn't want them there badly enough, or they would have been included on the primary list. Growing a backbone and standing up for yourself is never a bad thing. Plus, as you said, your parents can't be expected to accommodate everyone (nor should they be expected to). If your FILs ask you about the guest list, let them know that the guest list has been finalized and the topic is closed, then change the subject.
It's so nice to have a bride listen to reason
Welcome to The Knot.
Your Fi should handle this situation with his parents. He should explain to them that he is grateful to Mr. and Mrs. Yankeefan for generously hosting his huge family. He is sure that it would be very rude to ask Mr. and Mrs. Yankeefan to exceed their budget and space constraints and therefore will not be adding the coworkers to the guest list.
I was born near Rockwell City, and DH is from Des Moines. When we lived in Iowa, you could only buy alcohol in a state owned liquor store, with a very small selection at that! Now you can buy it in the grocery stores, which is more than we can do here in Colorado.
I'm a Hawkeye, DH is a Cyclone.