Moms and Maids

My MOH has totally bought into the "bridesmaid duties"

So throughout the process of planning my shower, bachelorette, and wedding, my MOH is constantly saying that she "has" to do things or they're her "job" because she's my MOH. She's throwing me this big elaborate shower when I told her I would have been happy with cake and punch and 10 people in her living room. I have thanked her profusely on multiple occasions for going out of her way to throw me such a nice shower, and every time she says something along the lines of "You don't have to thank me. I have to, it's my job!" She said the same thing when I told her about the rehearsal time. I told her that she could fly out here any time she wanted before Friday afternoon because the rehearsal would be Friday night. She told me she's flying out a few days early, and I told her that was fine, I just wanted to let her know that she had the option if she didn't want to take off time from work. She responded: "It's not an option, it's a requirement."

I generally like to think that she means it in more of a "of course I'm doing this, because we're best friends and I know you'd do the same for me," but usually it comes off more as "I'm doing it because I'm the MOH and the MOH has duties." When I feel like she's saying the latter, it kind of hurts my feelings. Like she's not throwing me a shower because she loves me - she's doing it because some book/movie/website/whatever told her that she has to. Or, even worse, it makes me feel like I've somehow done/said something to make her feel that way - that I expect her to do x y and z because she's the MOH.

So I mostly just wanted to vent, but also I guess I wanted to see what y'all would say to her about it? Or if you'd just ignore it or let it go? Most of the time I just go with something like "well you really don't have to, but I appreciate it."

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Re: My MOH has totally bought into the "bridesmaid duties"

  • I think the way you're responding to her is pretty much all you can do. I had a BM who was the same way - she also expected every phone call (she was OOT) to be about my wedding. So when I would call up to ask her how her date went, she would answer in 30 seconds and then start talking wedding. I felt like she felt obligated to be all "wedding wedding wedding," but there was nothing I could do except try to steer her back to talking about non-wedding things.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2015
    If you and she are very close (which a bride and her MOH should be), then I think you can sit her down and say, "MOH, I'm really happy and grateful to you that you're really into being my MOH, but all these things you've been saying are your 'job' really aren't. Your only 'duties' are to get the dress, show up in it sober, and have a good time, so when you keep emphasizing that these things are your 'job,' it's coming across like you're martyring yourself to do them, and that's really taking the pleasure out of it for me. I'm okay with your not doing so much, especially if it's really not convenient for you. But if you really want to do these things anyway, then please stop bringing up that they're your 'job.'"
  • Jen4948 said:
    If you and she are very close (which a bride and her MOH should be), then I think you can sir her down and say, "MOH, I'm really happy and grateful to you that you're really into being my MOH, but all these things you've been saying are your 'job' really aren't. Your only 'duties' are to get the dress, show up in it sober, and have a good time, so when you keep emphasizing that these things are your 'job,' it's coming across like you're martyring yourself to do them, and that's really taking the pleasure out of it for me. I'm okay with your not doing so much, especially if it's really not convenient for you. But if you really want to do these things anyway, then please stop bringing up that they're your 'job.'"

    I am definitely close enough to have this conversation with her. It would feel weird over the phone or text (I think, anyway), but next time I see her in person (at my shower in April) if it comes up again, I will definitely say something.

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  • One of my BMs did stuff like this. She CONSTANTLY (for about 6 months) asked me when she could throw me an engagement party, asked if she could help the MOH plan the bachelorette, asked what she could help with, etc. It was really sweet of her, but I felt pressured.

    I just kept saying "I don't really want an engagement party" or "I'm not really planning to have a bachelorette - just go brewery/bar hopping after the shower. Nothing crazy." "I really don't need help with anything, but if you're free let's go out for drinks." Rinse, repeat as necessary.
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  • Jen4948 said:
    If you and she are very close (which a bride and her MOH should be), then I think you can sir her down and say, "MOH, I'm really happy and grateful to you that you're really into being my MOH, but all these things you've been saying are your 'job' really aren't. Your only 'duties' are to get the dress, show up in it sober, and have a good time, so when you keep emphasizing that these things are your 'job,' it's coming across like you're martyring yourself to do them, and that's really taking the pleasure out of it for me. I'm okay with your not doing so much, especially if it's really not convenient for you. But if you really want to do these things anyway, then please stop bringing up that they're your 'job.'"

    I am definitely close enough to have this conversation with her. It would feel weird over the phone or text (I think, anyway), but next time I see her in person (at my shower in April) if it comes up again, I will definitely say something.
    Honestly, I'd have this conversation with her. If only to remind her that when she gets married (if she's not already) these are definitely not your "duties" if you are standing in her wedding, haha! One of my girlfriends is doing the same thing, referring to it as her job as the bridesmaid and not to worry about any decision because it's "MY" day. I thank her profusely for offering, remind her that she doesn't have to do anything for me, and worry to myself that she will have those expectations of me if she asks me to stand in her wedding. Gah!
  • My MOH is similar - a couple weeks ago she called me to discuss the shower she's throwing me and said "So I Googled MOH responsibilities and found out I'm supposed to do X, Y, and Z".  I said "NOOOOOOOO!!! Stop Googling that immediately!!" haha

    I obviously don't want her feeling like she HAS to do anything, and I also want her to realize that BMs don't have "responsibilities" so that when the time comes that she gets married she doesn't think its okay to give her BMs duties or expect anything besides them showing up in the dress on the wedding day.

    Just keep insisting to your MOH that she doesn't have duties until she understands. Think of it as a public service - helping out her future BMs whenever she gets married! (if she's not already)
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  • hsgator said:
    My MOH is similar - a couple weeks ago she called me to discuss the shower she's throwing me and said "So I Googled MOH responsibilities and found out I'm supposed to do X, Y, and Z".  I said "NOOOOOOOO!!! Stop Googling that immediately!!" haha

    I obviously don't want her feeling like she HAS to do anything, and I also want her to realize that BMs don't have "responsibilities" so that when the time comes that she gets married she doesn't think its okay to give her BMs duties or expect anything besides them showing up in the dress on the wedding day.

    Just keep insisting to your MOH that she doesn't have duties until she understands. Think of it as a public service - helping out her future BMs whenever she gets married! (if she's not already)

    She's not yet, which also scares me a little bit for myself... As her friend I hate that she feels pressured, but also I now kind of feel like she expects me to reciprocate all of this when she gets married (we've been best friends for almost 20 years, I know you shouldn't expect to be in someones wedding party until asked, but I'd like to think I'll at least be a bridesmaid if not the MOH). Not saying I don't want to - I really do, and I will do as much as the circumstances allow. But it's a lot of pressure to be expected to do all of those things. She's not even engaged yet and I already feel pressured about her someday-wedding... I hate that she feels the same way about mine.

    She was the MOH for a mutual friend a while back and basically did EVERYTHING. The bride was just so apathetic and didn't care about making decisions about anything, so the MOH literally planned the entire wedding herself. I think that's part of where she got this sense of duties/responsibilities - this bride let her think that she had them.

    I'm still trying to steer her the right way, without sounding ungrateful. I really do want the shower she's throwing me and appreciate that she's doing it, so I don't want to come off as a bratty "Well I never asked you to throw me a shower anyway!" I just want her to know that I truly do appreciate that she's going so far out of her way to do nice things for me.

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  • My sister is my MOH and used to refer to herself as "my slave" until I sat her down and told her what was up. She's never been in a wedding before and assumed, due to wedding movies and whatnot, that I'd be bossing her around left and right leading up the wedding. It was refreshing to let her know that wasn't going to happen -- and that it is rude for a bride to expect certain things from her bridal party. She still wants to help me do some things here and there because she's just really excitable about weddings in general and genuinely wants to help, which is fine with me.

    Another one of my bridesmaids is literally waiting for me to start giving out orders. She got married last year and she was giving out orders to me and the other BMs. I had the lovely duty of planning her bachelorette, on her command. It's a long story, but obviously I complied, and now I don't have the heart to tell her that I have no intention of ordering my bridesmaids around as she did to me.
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  • Maybe your MOH is one of those women who loves weddings?

    You should introduce her to TK, where she will discover that she has no duties other than to get that dress and show up on time fort the wedding and be relatively pleasant. And weddings aren't tit for tat. Tell her about the M & M, WP and Pre-Wedding Parties boards. I'll bet she'd love this place.

                       
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