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Turning down wedding "suggestions" gracefully...

quirkybride15quirkybride15 member
First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I asked my FMIL to assist me with booking room blocks since it will be most of her family coming in from out of town. Okay, truth be told - she took it upon herself to start looking into room blocks, and so I wound up just saying, "So do you want to take care of this for me?" I could tell she wanted a job to do since I wasn't asking for her help much on the actual wedding planning (she lives six hours away and I have close friends and family in town who help me).

She emailed me tonight saying that she wants to make welcome baskets for the guests coming in from out of town. She said that normally the bride and groom take care of this, but she wanted to know that if we weren't going to do this, would I mind if she went ahead with it.

My initial thought was... why not? But the more I thought about it, the more I feel like she is taking the inch that I gave her and turning it into a mile. Her modus operandi from the beginning has been to turn this event into something bigger and more extravagant than my fiancé and I had ever intended. 

She keeps on making suggestions like this, and if I say "no" to any of them, her feelings get hurt and I feel like I'm being viewed as a "bridezilla" for simply having boundaries.

Any suggestions on a diplomatic way to tell her to stop giving suggestions? Or at least to say "no" to this most recent one? I feel like I need to say no on principle because she continues to overstep bounds.
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Re: Turning down wedding "suggestions" gracefully...

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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    First off, your FI needs to deal with this.

    Second, a good reply is, "I really appreciate the suggestion but this has already been decided/taken care of."

    Third, honestly, if there's anything you really don't care about, i.e. gift baskets, let her take care of things. It'll make her happy.  My FMIL chose our favors and our cake topper and it made her feel like a part of things and she was so thrilled when people complimented the cake topper.  Without more information about the suggestions your FMIL keeps making, that's all I can say right now. Minor things like gift baskets wouldn't bother me, personally.  
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I agree if it's something you really don't care about, let her do it. If you do care and don't want her to do it, simply tell her it's already taken care of, like Nickname suggested. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    blabla89blabla89 member
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    What harm could come from letting her make welcome baskets? I'm really asking, since it sounds like there's more to the story.

    My FMIL has been kind of the same way, and it's matter of picking which battles to fight. I personally don't see any harm in letting her make the baskets and help arrange the hotel blocks if she wants to. (Side note on that: make absolutely sure you won't be responsible for meeting a minimum or paying a penalty for any un-booked rooms). It doesn't have to be a big, extravagant thing. It's nice for the guests and won't really affect anything on your wedding day.

    But if she does offer help that you feel is best to decline, you can say, "That is so sweet of you to offer, but we've already taken care of it" and then bean dip.
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    quirkybride15quirkybride15 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    I see both of your points, but I'm finding that if we give her an inch, she takes a mile. Gift baskets are minor, but I'm afraid if I let her do this she will either make totally over-the-top and/or try to squeeze something else in that we are not okay with (without asking us). 

    Like I said, she has shown clear disappointment in how we are trying to make this a no frills, down to earth wedding. I feel like she wants to make this something very grandiose, and that is just not us. If she were someone I felt who could do this without going crazy, I would say fine to it. But she has lost our trust from other situations in the past - it would take too long to go into detail.


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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I think you need to pick your battles. I understand your concern that if you let her do this, you think she'll believe she can do whatever she wants. 

    I would say, "That's so sweet of you. We were planning to do this, but we'd love to work on this together if you're offering. We already had a schedule of events/map/info sheet drafted, so I can share that with you once we put the finishing touches on it. What else were you thinking of putting in the bags?"

    That way, it's obvious y'all are running the show and just looking for her input. I agree with everyone else, your FH needs to interface with his mom. Not you. Especially if she gets her feelings hurt over being told that things are under control. 

    Outside that, you and your FH can learn and love the phrase, "Thanks for the idea/suggestion/thought. We haven't gotten there in planning yet/have already decided on X/will think about that." And immediately change the subject.
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    flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    FMIL offered to make gift baskets for our hotel block. I said no, but that was because I felt odd having gifts for those who chose to use this one hotel and nothing for any guests who didn't or couldn't choose that. And I told her as much.

    If you don't have an issue with the gift baskets per se, it might not be a bad idea just to let her do that so she feels "involved" without actually having to be involved in the stuff you care about.

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    kvrunskvruns member
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    Are there any other decisions that are not made yet that you feel like she could then squirm into?  Going on the thought that if you give her an inch she will take a mile, what else could she do after baskets are done? 


    If she is doing it with her money, and it is most for "her" people anyway, I say go for it.  it lets her be involved and it isn't a big deal. You could also use it to appease the next thing she wants to join, so you say we really appreciated you doing the welcome baskets as that was very helpful but we already have XYZ covered (insert name of next project) and we will let you know if there is anything else we can use your help on.

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    CasadenaCasadena member
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    Sounds like we have the same MIL!!!  I went back and forth constantly on the "say no on principle" about the damn gifts bags.  I promise you, with 4 weeks to go it was the last thing I was worried about.  If she starts to encroach on something you really do care about, feel free to tell her no (assuming you're not accepting her money for assistance with the wedding) - or do what I did and say "oh wow that's really cute/fun idea/I saw that at some other wedding/etc." and then just don't do it.  

    She has a right to be excited and give suggestions.  You have a right to listen and not use/take them (unless she's helping financially, in which case she gets some say).
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    bananasplit472001bananasplit472001 member
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    I think that she just wants something to do.  If she is willing to pay and make these items then I would let her just do it whatever way she wants.  Any bride can use someone taking a project away that's not terribly important.
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    weddingcactusweddingcactus member
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    I noticed when observing my parents (somewhat erratic) behavior with my brother's wedding that since traditionally the parents are involved in hosting (and paying) for the wedding, parents seem to feel like the wedding reflects on them personally, especially in relation to "their" guests (ie: guests from their side of the family or friends). Talk it over with your fiance to get his perspective (he'll know his mom best), but if she feels like making welcome baskets for out of town guests will help her feel like they are being properly hosted and thus reflecting properly on her, what's the harm? I understand the "give an inch and she'll take a mile" concern, but I would leave that up to your fiance to manage that. It's his mother and he will hopefully know how to be firm about not letting her cross into "taking a mile".
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    indianaalumindianaalum member
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    edited February 2015
    quirkybride15 said:
    I see both of your points, but I'm finding that if we give her an inch, she takes a mile. Gift baskets are minor, but I'm afraid if I let her do this she will either make totally over-the-top and/or try to squeeze something else in that we are not okay with (without asking us). 

    Like I said, she has shown clear disappointment in how we are trying to make this a no frills, down to earth wedding. I feel like she wants to make this something very grandiose, and that is just not us. If she were someone I felt who could do this without going crazy, I would say fine to it. But she has lost our trust from other situations in the past - it would take too long to go into detail.


    I think welcome bags, although not a requirement, are a nice addition to a wedding. I would even leap here and say people do kinda expect it these days (though it is certainly not a requirement). I certainly don't think having them makes for an "over the top" type of touch. 

    Keep in mind, any decisions you make that offend her now, could last a lifetime so is this really a battle worth picking? It helps your guests and saves you money. Unless you think she will put in weird, tacky embarassing things, I would say "go for it"

    I personally would let her make the gift baskets

    On a side note, my guests loved the gift bags. It just looks like you made one additional effort to welcome them and let them know you understand they took out time and money to attend your wedding
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    Knottie91800232Knottie91800232 member
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    I have a FMIL like this - she has 2 sons, no daughters, and really wants to help with just anything - and I actually found that the more projects I find for her that are things I'm not keen on, the less she asks about the things I do want to choose. My FMIL LOVES putting together favors, and keeps asking about the reception ones, which I'm kind of particular about - so, I actually might look into this whole welcome basket thing and see if she wants to make some for our wedding. 
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