Engaged Before Living Together - Weird or No?

artbyallie · February 2015

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

charlottesmom0626 · February 2015

My parents thought it was weird (Untraditional) that FI and I were living together before we got engaged. Everyone's different

charlottesmom0626 · February 2015

My parents thought it was weird (Untraditional) that FI and I were living together before we got engaged. Everyone's different

bethsmiles · February 2015

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My friend's boyfriend is applying to a grad program that is only a year. I can't remember what it's in right now but they exist.

emmaaa · February 2015

bethsmiles said:

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My friend's boyfriend is applying to a grad program that is only a year. I can't remember what it's in right now but they exist.

My best friend did a Masters of Accounting grad program. That was a year. My other friend went for her masters in teaching for a year.

VulgarGirl · February 2015

Life lesson: People will think you're weird. No matter what, people will think you are weird. Spend no time thinking about these people. Spend no time worrying about being weird. It's a waste of time.

plainjane0415 · February 2015

MagicInk said:

Life lesson: People will think you're weird. No matter what, people will think you are weird. Spend no time thinking about these people. Spend no time worrying about being weird. It's a waste of time.

THIS X 1000.

sarahufl · February 2015

emmaaa said:

bethsmiles said:

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My friend's boyfriend is applying to a grad program that is only a year. I can't remember what it's in right now but they exist.

My best friend did a Masters of Accounting grad program. That was a year. My other friend went for her masters in teaching for a year.

I manage a 1-year Masters program. They exist.

luckya23 · February 2015

We were engaged for 6 months before FI moved in "officially" - ie, before his stuff came with him.

Because it was important to him to be engaged before living together, I had assumed that he would wait until his lease was almost up in December to get engaged, but instead he brought up ring shopping just after our first anniversary in April!

I also assumed he would break his lease and move in after we were engaged, but again I was wrong, although I'm not sure he ever slept there again! (I think this was pure laziness about contacting the landlord, though.)

I do agree with the PP though about the "new engagement glow." I definitely got more impatient with having my roommate around afterwards!

anjemon · February 2015

We are technically waiting until we get married to move in together. But it's costing us more money, because we're both paying for places.

Before we got engaged, I probably spent 1 - 2 nights a week at my place. I went back, got some clothes, hung out with my roommate, watched my DVR. I assumed that wouldn't change after we got engaged. I was totally wrong. Probably the week we got engaged I stopped going back to my apartment unless I absolutely had to. Now all my clothes are in his place and most of the stuff I need day-to-day. It was weird, I was the one resisting fully moving in together. But apparently being engaged broke through some weird wall in my mind. At least now my BFF is living in my room so the space doesn't go to waste.

I'm with PP's. You do you.

artbyallie · February 2015

sarahufl said:

emmaaa said:

bethsmiles said:

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My friend's boyfriend is applying to a grad program that is only a year. I can't remember what it's in right now but they exist.

My best friend did a Masters of Accounting grad program. That was a year. My other friend went for her masters in teaching for a year.

I manage a 1-year Masters program. They exist.

Good to know. H is in academia and so are a number of our friends. I have zero exposure to single-year graduate level programs. I didn't even know anyone offered a masters in accounting.

bethsmiles · February 2015

artbyallie said:

sarahufl said:

emmaaa said:

bethsmiles said:

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My friend's boyfriend is applying to a grad program that is only a year. I can't remember what it's in right now but they exist.

My best friend did a Masters of Accounting grad program. That was a year. My other friend went for her masters in teaching for a year.

I manage a 1-year Masters program. They exist.

Good to know. H is in academia and so are a number of our friends. I have zero exposure to single-year graduate level programs. I didn't even know anyone offered a masters in accounting.

You can get a masters in pretty much everything.

MadHops21 · February 2015

I'm finishing my bachelors now, have a career, and live with my parents. FI has a job and lives with his parents.

We're staying at our parent's homes until we get married because we want to buy a single family home together, and that's a lot of money. Financially, it makes sense to live at the parents homes for us before getting married to save up as much as possible.

Do what you want to do, but I'm in the same boat as you. I don't find it weird at all, though. I know some people gasp at the idea of never living together before marriage because "What if you don't like the way he cooks?" or something along those lines. But I don't mind opinions, because I know what I want and so does FI.

bride2b71614 · February 2015

FI and I preferred to live together as a couple before getting married. I don't think our choice is any more weird than a couple choosing to live apart before getting married. Its really whatever works best for the couple, no choice is better than the other.

emmy72 · February 2015

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

Yeah, one year master's programs actually do exist. Crazy right? it's a special program offered by our school. You CAN finish your masters in two years in his program, or one, if you take a good amount of credits/semester. Either way it's not a crazy amount of credits to be taking by any means.

Hey thanks for responding everyone. For me personally, most of my family who's married did it in their late 20's/early 30's and NONE of my friends in my friend group plan to marry before 25. Made me think I was crazy for not only getting engaged so young, but potentially doing it prior to us living together.

Regardless, people WILL think we're weird, but there's always people who are going to have a negative opinion on whatever you do. So if we do get engaged before living together, whatever. Haters gonna hate. But it makes me feel a lot better to see people did the same thing/don't think it's "weird".

morphemes · February 2015

I completely agree with PPs, do what feels right for your relationship and don't worry about whether other people think it's weird. What I will say is, I strongly believe it is in everybody's best interest to live on their own, even briefly, at some point in their lives. You learn so much about how to take care of yourself when you live on your own. I understand it's a competing interest with saving money, but living on your own (or with a roommate) can be one of the most liberating things you could ever do.

katiekessler123 · February 2015

Do what works for you! We didn't live together until about a month before we got married. We both had our own apartments for the four or so years we dated. I liked having my own space during that time and we developed our own post college interests. Also, I lived at my parents house for a few years after college. I was able to save so much money during that time that we bought a house and put about 40% down! I love living together now, and can't imagine otherwise, but I wouldn't change the way we did the past, either.

PrettyGirlLost · February 2015

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

I was wondering the same thing!

I don't know of a single Master's program that is shorter then 3 or 4 years. Even the EMBA programs I know of in my area are 3 years.

katiekessler123 · February 2015

The education masters program I went through could be completed in one year if you went full time.

[Deleted User] · February 2015

PrettyGirlLost said: artbyallie said: My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.
I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago. I was wondering the same thing!

I don't know of a single Master's program that is shorter then 3 or 4 years. Even the EMBA programs I know of in my area are 3 years.
BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES
My biggest concern from the post is the idea of a guaranteed job (for your SO) after grad school. If you already have a job after graduation, that's awesome, but I just don't want you (or anyone else) to assume having a grad degree means you'll be swimming in jobs. It's sadly not true!

And it's definitely not weird if you don't live together before getting engaged. It's also not anyone else's business what you are your SO decide to do, living-wise. People do what they have to or want to do based on a ton of variables, so don't bother worrying about what people think or say.

ETA: Boxes

mrsk616 · February 2015

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

i second this. it might take him longer than that year to finish his masters.

but being engaged before living together is not a big deal. FI asked in 2013 and we are still not living together. its how it was done back in the day.

larrygaga · February 2015

artbyallie said:

My only takeaway from this is 'what the hell program is only one year of grad school?' H has a masters and an education specialist degree. The latter program was shorter and still took two years. Even our friend who way overextends herself and takes tons of credit hours per semester needed 18 months to finish her masters.

I guess my point is that he may not be finished so soon. H had said at one point he wanted to be totally finished before we got married. We would still not be if he had stuck to that and we have been together since my first year of college 10 years ago.

My masters was one year. It's supposed to be drawn out into 3, but I got into the advanced placement. It's a full year of full time classes, though, not just two semesters.

emmy72 · February 2015

Thanks guys! This is my first post and I'm still getting a feel for how the forums work/who people are (I'm sure that's obvious, though). Lurked at my office for a few weeks before making an account. I work for a museum that doubles as a wedding venue, and was conveniently put in charge of wedding PR just as BF started very seriously talking about engagement. Yippee, both for the fact that I have a young BF who's actually excited to put a ring on it, and that my bosses literally expect me to be on The Knot every damn day. (I still lurk. A lot.)

I guess my concern is less that we won't be living TOGETHER, but that while engaged we could potentially be living with our PARENTS for a few months.

Seems contradictory to me, to be engaged (very adult step) whilst living under your parents' roof. I guess THAT was more of my question. If it's weird to be engaged when you're still living with your family. But y'all are right, it's best to do whatever feels right to us, rather than worry about what everyone else is going to be thinking.

mrscomposer · February 2015

misschampagne21 said:

I guess my concern is less that we won't be living TOGETHER, but that while engaged we could potentially be living with our PARENTS for a few months.

Seems contradictory to me, to be engaged (very adult step) whilst living under your parents' roof. I guess THAT was more of my question. If it's weird to be engaged when you're still living with your family. But y'all are right, it's best to do whatever feels right to us, rather than worry about what everyone else is going to be thinking.

THAT would be my only concern - if you don't live with anyone other than your parents before you get married. There's a LOT that you need to learn away from Mom & Dad, and it's not necessarily the best idea to do it with your spouse. Not the end of the world, obviously, but it would be nice to have figured out how to be a courteous roommate before you're living with the person you're going to live with forever.

On the other hand, how better to figure out how you want your house to run than with the person you're going to be running it with? J lived with his parents up until we got married (he moved back in after college, so he was out of the nest for a few years). I had been living on my own (with roommates and without) since I was seventeen. The learning curve was him adjusting to not having his mom around again, and me adjusting to having someone else in my space (and I'm majorly Type A, so there was a lot of adjusting).

So. Again. One way or the other, just do what feels right for you guys.

ETA: the reason I bring up the courteous roommate thing is because my sister moved out of our parents house and moved in with me - away from a mother figure right to another mother figure. We were raised to take care of the house and do chores, of course (we weren't spoiled hellions), but there is always a certain amount of slack that moms pick up - and non-moms won't abide by for very long

emmy72 · February 2015

@mrscomposer Exactly what I was thinking. Fortunately I've been living in an apartment with a great group of (female) roommates throughout college, so I've had 3 years out of the nest and in my own space

Nice little segue into living with the man I'll be with forever. Really enjoying these last few semesters with my girlfriends, though.

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

misschampagne21 said:

Thanks guys! This is my first post and I'm still getting a feel for how the forums work/who people are (I'm sure that's obvious, though). Lurked at my office for a few weeks before making an account. I work for a museum that doubles as a wedding venue, and was conveniently put in charge of wedding PR just as BF started very seriously talking about engagement. Yippee, both for the fact that I have a young BF who's actually excited to put a ring on it, and that my bosses literally expect me to be on The Knot every damn day. (I still lurk. A lot.)

I guess my concern is less that we won't be living TOGETHER, but that while engaged we could potentially be living with our PARENTS for a few months.

Seems contradictory to me, to be engaged (very adult step) whilst living under your parents' roof. I guess THAT was more of my question. If it's weird to be engaged when you're still living with your family. But y'all are right, it's best to do whatever feels right to us, rather than worry about what everyone else is going to be thinking.

Why are you living with your parents? Is it out of necessity or choice? I know a couple who lived with her parents because she and her (now) husband were building a house. His house sold more quickly than he expected and their house took longer to build than expected, so they lived with her parents for a few months during their engagement and marriage.

I'd be concerned if you were living with them because you had no other financial / housing options.

emmy72 · February 2015

@holyguacamole79 I'll try and give you a reader's digest version of my situation. I'd likely live with my parents for several months because I'm graduating just 4 months before my BF will be done with grad school. Our plan is to find an apartment together as soon as he's graduated.

BUT because I'll be graduating early, and he'll still be living here at university, there's really nowhere for me to go other than home until we find a place for us to make our own. I mean I COULD stay here at my college apartment with my girlfriends, but my mother's paying rent for a lovely two bedroom apartment regardless of what I choose to do. Might as well just stay in my room at her place. PLUS she's moving across the country in like October of next year, so I really might as well stay with her (it's free! And likely the last time I'll have ample amounts of time with her for a looooooong time. My college town is not at all close to my hometown).

Sorry, it's all a bit fuzzy and confusing. Being close to graduation leaves a lot of things unknown. It feels like everything changes every few months. Anyone know where I can buy a crystal ball?

holyguacamole79 · February 2015

misschampagne21, I would just encourage you to find some time to live on your own before you marry. This may be the last chance you have to do that (assuming you don't get divorced ... and I'd like to assume that

). I lived alone for 10 years before I got married. It was very empowering to rely on myself for day-to-day live.

falsara · February 2015

OP, FI and I were engaged for 9 months, before we moved across country and moved in together. Before we moved in together I lived with my parents and he lived with his parents. We got engaged when I was 20. I'm 22 now so I'm about the same age as you. We did what worked for us. It helped that both of us had spent in college living either by ourselves, or with roommates so we knew what it was like to live without our parents. There were some different reasons why.

1. The town we were in is really expensive to live in. Super high cost of living, and we were both going to the community college. We both knew we were trying to apply to schools out of state in order to get our Bachelor degrees. We though it would be easier to just wait till that happened and then move in together once there was a consensus.

2. My FFIL was on home hospice and FI was his primary care giver. He Had to be there at certain times to make sure his dad was ok. Even after FFIL passed away FI continued to live at home to help his mom adjust because he's the youngest and only one that still lived there.

We knew that it was not ideal. But we had to take care of things before we were able to move to a place where it wasn't as expensive to live on our own. I think it just depends on how you want to handle the different aspects that go with each option. We knew it would be tough moving across country and moving in together in one step, and our first 6 months living together was a little rocky, but that might be the case no matter when we decided to move in together.

You guys need to decided what works for you, everybody else can keep their noses out of it.

levioosa · February 2015

I'd just like to add that there's a huge difference between being financially independent yet unsure of location due to life transitions, and relying on your parents to support you. I recently just moved back in with my parents due to a similar transition period. But I pay for everything, and I have been handling my finances and working since I was sixteen.

Engaged Before Living Together - Weird or No?

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