Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rehearsal Dinner questions

2»

Re: Rehearsal Dinner questions

  • MandyMost said:

    I don't understand why doint the seating for your friends and family is a big deal. FMIL is trying to be considerate in making sure people get seated with people they know, and since she doesn't know that information for your guests, she is asking you to help. Just pass on the seating for the wedding, and let that be the end of it.

    Because the rehearsal dinner is one long table for about 30 people.  People are seated for the wedding all over the place.  I would need to come up with an entire new seating chart.  It is much easier just to tell her to sit on one side of the table and we will have your ex-husband sit on the other side while everyone else just fills in.
    If you want her on one side of the table and him on the other, then you need a seating chart. What if people all get there and start grabbing seats and the only seats left are near each other? A seating chart for about 30 people should take you 10 minutes to do, maximum. Put yourselves in the middle. Put her and her relatives on end. Put your family and the bridal party and the ex on the other end of the table. 

    Here:

    FMIL               FMIL Family
    FMIL Family    FMIL Family
    FMIL Family    FMIL Family
    FMIL Family    FMIL Family
    BM Date         FMIL Family
    BM                 FMIL Family
    Groom            MOH date
    Bride              MOH
    MOB              BP 1
    FOB               BP 1 date  
    BP 2              BP 3
    BP 2 date       BP3 date
    FFIL               BP 4
    FFIL date        BP 4 date

    Thanks for the help.  Sometimes as brides we get overwhelmed and start making non-issues into big issues.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2015
    For the wedding she actually asked me if she can invite a group of girlfriends instead of a date.  

    Why does your FMIL need an entourage at your wedding? My own mother tries the "woe is me my ex-husband is remarried but I am single" act every now and again, but she would never ask for something this crazy. And if you knew my mother you would know that's saying a lot.
  • MGP Why does your FMIL need an entourage at your wedding? My own mother tries the "woe is me my ex-husband is remained but I am single" act every now and again, but she would never ask for something this crazy. And if you knew my mother you would know that's saying a lot.

    I have been asking myself the same question.  This issue is still not resolved.  Since she has stated that since she is paying for the rehearsal dinner then she gets to decide who comes I guess we can say the same thing about her entrourage not being invited
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"
    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
  • Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"

    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
    I disagree. Someone's being "in your life for the rest of theirs" does not mean that every disagreement with them is a "slight" and any in-law to be who sees them that way is being oversensitive. In order to be healthy, relationships need to be two-way streets, not one where one party gets total control out of fear of "slights."
  • Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"

    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
    image

  • Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"

    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
    The thing I am trying to get across is that she does not just want me to do the seating charts and dessert, I put etc for a reason.  She wants me, along with my FI, to help her completely plan out the rehearsal dinner and I truly just do not have the time.  I will give her the seating chart for the wedding and she can just run with it.  If someone offers to host a party or dinner they need to do the work regardless if it is my wedding or not.  I am already planning my entire wedding myself with my parents paying for it.  I honestly just do not even have the time to entertain even helping out with another event as with her personality it will not be a 5 minute task.  As you can probably gather already that not only can she not plan this dinner by herself she needs help with everyday tasks (she is young by the way and in perfect health).  She gives my FI and myself tasks on a weekly basis to help her with, including financially.  I refuse everything and my FI helps because he feels awful that she is alone.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"

    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
    The thing I am trying to get across is that she does not just want me to do the seating charts and dessert, I put etc for a reason.  She wants me, along with my FI, to help her completely plan out the rehearsal dinner and I truly just do not have the time.  I will give her the seating chart for the wedding and she can just run with it.  If someone offers to host a party or dinner they need to do the work regardless if it is my wedding or not.  I am already planning my entire wedding myself with my parents paying for it.  I honestly just do not even have the time to entertain even helping out with another event as with her personality it will not be a 5 minute task.  As you can probably gather already that not only can she not plan this dinner by herself she needs help with everyday tasks (she is young by the way and in perfect health).  She gives my FI and myself tasks on a weekly basis to help her with, including financially.  I refuse everything and my FI helps because he feels awful that she is alone.  

    It seems like you have three options. You can't have everything your way...just pick which option and accept that it's not perfect. In a perfect world your FMIL would plan the whole thing herself. But it's not a perfect world. Accept it. 

    1. Accept the offer for the party and help your FMIL plan it. 
    2. Decline the offer for the party from you FMIL and plan the party entirely by yourself.
    3. Decline the offer for the party and don't have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. 
  • MandyMost said:

    Honestly, it sounds like your FMOL wants to spend some time with you and since she had "loud opinions" during the planning of the wedding, she obviously wants some of your attention. A seating plan is an easy task. Make sure that she and your FFIL are at opposite ends of the table, I don't think she is asking you to do this to make your life difficult. You know how brides are famous for saying "this is my wedding" (not me never have never will). She knows this is your wedding, and she wants your opinion. Ask her for her suggestion for dessert, take her advice and make one decision. Then take 20 minutes and make a "suggested" seating plan. Use post it notes on a piece of paper. Give it to her and say "so here are my thoughts for the Rehearsal seating plan, what do you think?"

    This woman is going to be in your life for the rest of hers and you do not want to "Decline their offer" this will be a slight to her and your FFIL and you will never live it down. you will be seen as ungrateful and you will hurt feelings. Just give in a little, do the 2 tasks she has asked of you, smile and thank her. Your life in the future will benifit greatly from just doing these small tasks now. I know you are planning a wedding (a wedding to her Son) but she is his Mum, she is divorced and probably feeling a lot of positive emotions about your wedding and not so positive emotions about her own relationship status right now. Try and be sensitive. Best of luck.
    The thing I am trying to get across is that she does not just want me to do the seating charts and dessert, I put etc for a reason.  She wants me, along with my FI, to help her completely plan out the rehearsal dinner and I truly just do not have the time.  I will give her the seating chart for the wedding and she can just run with it.  If someone offers to host a party or dinner they need to do the work regardless if it is my wedding or not.  I am already planning my entire wedding myself with my parents paying for it.  I honestly just do not even have the time to entertain even helping out with another event as with her personality it will not be a 5 minute task.  As you can probably gather already that not only can she not plan this dinner by herself she needs help with everyday tasks (she is young by the way and in perfect health).  She gives my FI and myself tasks on a weekly basis to help her with, including financially.  I refuse everything and my FI helps because he feels awful that she is alone.  

    It seems like you have three options. You can't have everything your way...just pick which option and accept that it's not perfect. In a perfect world your FMIL would plan the whole thing herself. But it's not a perfect world. Accept it. 

    1. Accept the offer for the party and help your FMIL plan it. 
    2. Decline the offer for the party from you FMIL and plan the party entirely by yourself.
    3. Decline the offer for the party and don't have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. 



    I'd create an option 4: Accept the offer for the party but have your FI communicate with her on anything and everything related to it. If she is asking you for a seating chart for example, either have your FI create one for her or have him communicate to her that the two of you do not have the time to help with it.

    If she's not okay with that, then at that point your FI can tell his mother thanks but no thanks for the rehearsal dinner.  

    Formerly martha1818

    image


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards