Major Bridesmaid Vent

doeydo · February 2015

I believe to get married what you do is file for a license and then get someone who can do the ceremony and then do said ceremony (in a nutshell). Your MIL isn't getting said treatment and needing to stay in isolation until the end of March, so, you could get married if you and your FI wanted to right now and have your MIL there if you wanted. I have seen videos, for example, of couples getting married in hospitals because they had ill loved ones and then a nice cake and punch reception still at the hospital for the few people that came. Not saying in any way that you have to do this, but it is an option.

I am sorry about your MIL and what you and your FI and his family has to go through, but someone caring about spending their, presumably, thousands of dollars is pretty normal, IMO.

ETA there is also a Skype option so she can watch and communicate with you two on your wedding day if she is not able to be there in person.

Knottie1463426215 · February 2015

@doeydo Yes, I get there are technically options. But getting married in a hospital or having my MIL join via Skype aren't good ones. We'd never pursue either of them unless there was a dire reason to.

As far as having a smaller ceremony now, my FIL has asked that we don't do that. Think about it: we'd basically be communicating to my MIL that there's a good chance she won't be here in October. That'd be the opposite of giving her hope, and hope is what she's going to need to carry her through this procedure.

The single most important thing to my FI is that his mom is there on his wedding day. As his future wife, I support him 100%. Like I said, I understand the concern about booking a flight in this situation. It's exactly why I've made it clear to my family that I understand if they can't and/or don't want to attend because of it. I'd rather someone politely decline vs. give me a hard time about an already impossibly hard situation.

Honestly, I think the chances I'll have to move my date are slim. I started this thread because I was annoyed with not only the lack of communication from one of my bridesmaids, but also the her and her mom's attitude that I can just do all of the legwork they don't feel like doing (my aunt has always been this way; it's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last).

Even if I wasn't dealing with illness in my personal life, I'd still want the dresses to be ordered by mid-March. My sister's dress took four months to come, so that'd mean the dress would be in by mid-July. Given that my cousin will most likely go the price-match route, that means that if there's an issue with the dress, it's up to us to fix it. So I'd like a little bit of wiggle room in there.

flantastic · February 2015

@doeydo Yes, I get there are technically options. But getting married in a hospital or having my MIL join via Skype aren't good ones. We'd never pursue either of them unless there was a dire reason to.

As far as having a smaller ceremony now, my FIL has asked that we don't do that. Think about it: we'd basically be communicating to my MIL that there's a good chance she won't be here in October. That'd be the opposite of giving her hope, and hope is what she's going to need to carry her through this procedure.

The single most important thing to my FI is that his mom is there on his wedding day. As his future wife, I support him 100%. Like I said, I understand the concern about booking a flight in this situation. It's exactly why I've made it clear to my family that I understand if they can't and/or don't want to attend because of it. I'd rather someone politely decline vs. give me a hard time about an already impossibly hard situation.

Honestly, I think the chances I'll have to move my date are slim. I started this thread because I was annoyed with not only the lack of communication from one of my bridesmaids, but also the her and her mom's attitude that I can just do all of the legwork they don't feel like doing (my aunt has always been this way; it's not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last).

Even if I wasn't dealing with illness in my personal life, I'd still want the dresses to be ordered by mid-March. My sister's dress took four months to come, so that'd mean the dress would be in by mid-July. Given that my cousin will most likely go the price-match route, that means that if there's an issue with the dress, it's up to us to fix it. So I'd like a little bit of wiggle room in there.

I get that you're in a tough situation, and that you want the fancy DW you have planned if it's at all possible. However, I also think it's rude to gamble with other people's money. You can say to everyone "just don't make plans for the DW if you're concerned about cancellation" all you want, but if they care about you and want to be there, they will plan to go for as long as you're planning to go. In addition... I understand that it's his mom, but by moving the ceremony just for her, especially if it's at the last minute and people do lose money, you're basically saying to everyone else that it doesn't really matter if they could make it and the effort they would have put in to be there it doesn't actually matter. They'd be as understanding as they could be, but it's still a shitty way to treat them. Plan a wedding for October but close to home, if you don't want to concern your FMIL with your lack of hope.

As for the bolded... Get over it. Either she'll have a dress or she won't come your wedding day, but it's not for you to worry about, especially with everything else going on.

Knottie1463426215 · February 2015

@flantastic It's not about wanting a fancy destination wedding. Where in any of my comments have I said that? Also, it's not a "fancy destination wedding." Our families live in two completely separate parts of the country. We chose to get married in Charleston, SC, which happens to be close to where we and his family live. Again, I get the concern over money. But by you suggesting I move my wedding closer to where my family lives, it means there's absolutely no chance my MIL will be there as she cannot fly. What next? Will you all suggest we rent a med flight to the tune of $100K?

Have any of you even ever dealt with a similar situation when getting married? My FI is struggling right now. He knows his mom isn't going to be around for things like grandkids. We just aren't going to make a change that solidifies that she won't be there. If you haven't gone through something like this, you probably won't understand it. And there's no way I'll ever see eye-to-eye with the rest of you.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Knottie01055312 said:
@flantastic It's not about wanting a fancy destination wedding. Where in any of my comments have I said that? Also, it's not a "fancy destination wedding." Our families live in two completely separate parts of the country. We chose to get married in Charleston, SC, which happens to be close to where we and his family live. Again, I get the concern over money. But by you suggesting I move my wedding closer to where my family lives, it means there's absolutely no chance my MIL will be there as she cannot fly. What next? Will you all suggest we rent a med flight to the tune of $100K?

Have any of you even ever dealt with a similar situation when getting married? My FI is struggling right now. He knows his mom isn't going to be around for things like grandkids. We just aren't going to make a change that solidifies that she won't be there. If you haven't gone through something like this, you probably won't understand it. And there's no way I'll ever see eye-to-eye with the rest of you.

I don't think you understand what flantastic meant. Look, we all agree that what is going on with your FMIL sucks big time, and I am sure you and your FI and his family are having a hard time dealing with this.

But, when it comes to your wedding you can't just think of your FMIL, you have to think about all your other guests as well. If you do decide to change your wedding date (not location, just the date) at the last minute you are basically screwing over a lot of your guests who shelled out money to attend your wedding in October. I get it, you and your FI want your FMIL to be at the wedding, but you need to realize that if you change your wedding date just for your FMIL at the last minute, you are affecting a lot of people and that is just not cool. If you and your FI want your FMIL/his Mom at the wedding then you need to make a decision and realize that you aren't solidifying anything. There is no certainty in life. Your FMIL (god willing) may live for another 20, 30, 40 years, but another family member may get sick and pass tomorrow. You just never know. I am sure FMIL knows her situation and knows that there is a chance that she may not make it. I am sure she would want you and your FI to make a decision about your wedding that is not just about her. We are just trying to open up your eyes to the possibility that you making a last minute decision could really cause issues for a lot of your guests and they have every right to be irritated by that.

Is this a hard decision? Yes. But there are a lot of people involved that could be affected by a last minute change.

Knottie1463426215 · February 2015

Okay yall, we're never going to agree, so I'm done posting on here. We're literally arguing over something that has a very slight chance of happening. As far as your knowledge around how long she'll live Maggie, it's terminal cancer. A couple years at best.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

ashley8918 · February 2015

bananasplit472001 · February 2015

Woah I do not agree with all the people saying that you need to understand that your decisions could affect your GUESTS instead of you MIL who is very ill and may not make it till October. How many of your guests booked their flights? Let me remind everyone it is only February and most people will not even book flight until they receive the invites or until around 2 months before. My wedding is in June and not one person has booked their flights up here yet that we know are coming from out of state (one being my grandmother). So what I would suggest you do is make a decision on either keeping your wedding date or moving it. You can never know what is going to happen with ill people and if the situation is as bad as you are saying I would error on the side of caution and move the wedding up and TELL all your guests that it will be moved before you actually do it. If guests did already book flights then it's up to you to either cover the cost of a flight change or cancellation if your guests get angry. I would bet that most guests would understand and would move their flights at their own cost. The ones who can't will maybe just take a vacation and not come to your actual wedding.

KatieinBkln · February 2015

Woah I do not agree with all the people saying that you need to understand that your decisions could affect your GUESTS instead of you MIL who is very ill and may not make it till October. How many of your guests booked their flights? Let me remind everyone it is only February and most people will not even book flight until they receive the invites or until around 2 months before. My wedding is in June and not one person has booked their flights up here yet that we know are coming from out of state (one being my grandmother). So what I would suggest you do is make a decision on either keeping your wedding date or moving it. You can never know what is going to happen with ill people and if the situation is as bad as you are saying I would error on the side of caution and move the wedding up and TELL all your guests that it will be moved before you actually do it. If guests did already book flights then it's up to you to either cover the cost of a flight change or cancellation if your guests get angry. I would bet that most guests would understand and would move their flights at their own cost. The ones who can't will maybe just take a vacation and not come to your actual wedding.

The bolded is a complete false dichotomy. All people did was ask the OP to weigh the inconvenience to her guests against her (rightful, understandable, painful) consideration of her MIL.

What it sounds like to me is that the two families live far from each other--so effectively, ANY venue she chooses will be a "destination" for half the guests. Is that right?

If that is the case, then she'll have to make a hard call. But given the information we have about the chemo treatments in March/April, then it seems like nothing can be decided until after that point.

To me, it seems like the only thing to do is wait until then. If the MIL does not respond well to the treatment and it becomes clear she won't make it to October, then I think the best option would be to send notes to all invited parties announcing that the planned wedding has been canceled. Then, OP and her FI can get married, quickly and quietly, surrounded by whatever family and loved ones can make it, wherever is convenient for MIL. I think trying to preserve your original wedding plans AND make sure MIL can make it in this worst-case-scenario is where you're running into problems. Because honestly, in the event this happens? You aren't going to give a shit about bridesmaids or the exact location you had chosen earlier. You will, as you have already stated many times, have bigger fish to fry.

Afterward, send announcements to everyone that "OP + FI were married in a private ceremony."

Truly, I am sorry you're going through this, OP (if you are still lurking around). I think one thing is clear though--the very last thing you need to worry about is your dum-dum cousin and her needy aunt. In the worst-case scenario above, you probably won't even have bridesmaids anyway, just family, so it won't matter whether she has the dress or not. If she can't get her shit together by October for the (hopefully!) best case scenario, too bad.

I wish you and your family the best.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

My mom was sick once. Very sick. Might die we aren't sure call the family sick.

I was planning my wedding at the time. But she got sick. And I said fuck it. Fuck the wedding. Fuck the bridesmaids dresses. Fuck it. I'm gonna be with my mom.

So that's my advice. Weddings and dresses don't fucking matter. So fuck it. Now go spend time with her.

huskypuppy14 · March 2015

First, I'm very sorry about your MIL, that sucks.

Now your question was about your cousin not getting a bridesmaid dress. Your wedding isn't until October. There is no reason she has to get her dress right now. I'm in my sister's wedding in July and I haven't gotten my dress yet.

You are the one who said you might move the wedding up. But then you said in another post that it's a slim possibility. Don't give people attitude because you're not clear.

If your MIL is dying and you move the wedding up, are you really going to care about bridesmaid dresses? Like you said, you have other things to worry about.

It also sounds like you are not having a DW. A DW is when everyone has to fly somewhere. If you are having a wedding where you live (and close to your MIL I presume?), it's not a DW. Just because many guests have to travel, doesn't make it a DW. That was confusing people.

klk111415 · March 2015

It's kind of crazy to be planning a wedding when your FMIL is so sick. Spend the time with her. You have no idea how she will handle the treatment and if she will even be able to be at the wedding. My MOH's little brother has cancer and she had the conversation with me that she might not be able to be at the wedding due to her brother being in and out of the hospital for the last year. Chemo is taking a toll on him and there's no way of telling where he will be in 8 months. Putting the BM dress aside, it's more important that you put your FI family first, not your wedding. Your wedding can happen whenever and wherever.

KatieinBkln · March 2015

klk111415 said:
It's kind of crazy to be planning a wedding when your FMIL is so sick. Spend the time with her. You have no idea how she will handle the treatment and if she will even be able to be at the wedding. My MOH's little brother has cancer and she had the conversation with me that she might not be able to be at the wedding due to her brother being in and out of the hospital for the last year. Chemo is taking a toll on him and there's no way of telling where he will be in 8 months. Putting the BM dress aside, it's more important that you put your FI family first, not your wedding. Your wedding can happen whenever and wherever.

Don't do that. Daring to have a life and plan a wedding when a loved one is ill is NOT selfish.

lovemesomemonster · March 2015

This is just another angle to look at it.. how does your FMIL feel about all of this? I know your FI may feel very strongly about having his mother there when he gets married, but will she feel guilty/awkward about you changing your plans for her? I only say this because I planned a surprise vacation for my FI for his graduation, after the trip was booked his grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and given ~6 months. That timeline fell right in line with the trip we had booked. I looked into it and could move it and talked to FI about his feelings about being on a trip when his grandpa was so sick. Before we even discussed it I got a call from his grandma and she told us that she knew we had a vacation planned and that I better not dare think about moving or cancelling it because grandpa would be very angry with us. He was very adamant about not having us put anything on hold for him. I realize this isn't a wedding or a big life event, but just something to keep in mind.

Knottie1463426215 · March 2015

@KatieinBkln Thanks, I agree.

@lovemesomemonster The last thing my FMIL wants is for us to change our plans. I said this in an earlier comment, but right now, it's something she has to look forward to, which is what'll help her to power through her treatment.

julieanne912 · March 2015

I definitely agree that you shouldn't put off your plans. Plus, I think it helps your FMIL have something to look forward to.

My grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma in fall of 2013. My cousin (whom she was very close to) was getting married in June of 2014. Her goal the whole time was to make it to my cousin's wedding. And she did. The wedding gave her something to fight for and shoot for, and I can guarantee you she would have never wanted my cousin to postpone her wedding while she went through it all.

klk111415 · March 2015

You don't need to postpone the wedding, but just keep an eye on her situation. You don't know how she will handle chemo until she goes through it. I truly hope it gives her something to fight for. Cancer is an extremely scary disease. Just keep in mind, complaining that a bridesmaid hasn't gotten her dress yet when there is still plenty of time sounds like a 1st world problem. When you have a loved one fighting an incurable disease, you learn that you don't need to sweat the small stuff. And you shouldn't worry about your cousin not ordering her dress yet. You still have a month (at least) before you need to worry And if you aren't getting an answer, text message is honestly the worst way to try to get a response. You think if you had an emergency, you would text 911? No, you would call. And when it becomes an emergency, you need to pick up the phone. It's really easy to take not getting a response back via text out of context and interpreting it as them ignoring you... but you won't know the truth till you get down to the bottom of it and that is by calling. Just worry about what is important right now.

FuddleOnParade · March 2015

This is a great thread.

KatieinBkln · March 2015

klk111415 said:
You don't need to postpone the wedding, but just keep an eye on her situation. You don't know how she will handle chemo until she goes through it. I truly hope it gives her something to fight for. Cancer is an extremely scary disease. Just keep in mind, complaining that a bridesmaid hasn't gotten her dress yet when there is still plenty of time sounds like a 1st world problem. When you have a loved one fighting an incurable disease, you learn that you don't need to sweat the small stuff. And you shouldn't worry about your cousin not ordering her dress yet. You still have a month (at least) before you need to worry And if you aren't getting an answer, text message is honestly the worst way to try to get a response. You think if you had an emergency, you would text 911? No, you would call. And when it becomes an emergency, you need to pick up the phone. It's really easy to take not getting a response back via text out of context and interpreting it as them ignoring you... but you won't know the truth till you get down to the bottom of it and that is by calling. Just worry about what is important right now.

PHEW! Good thing OP has you around to tell her how serious and scary cancer is.

Seriously though, people handle the stress of a loved one's illness in many different ways. In your two posts you've successfully accused OP of not "spending time" with her FMIL (she has, per her own OP, been spending tons of time with her), being "crazy" for planning a wedding (the wedding her FMIL is desperately hoping to attend and using as a motivation while she undergoes grueling treatment) and throwing "first-world problem" at her for worrying about her bridesmaid's dress. Only the last one has a shred of truth to it, but as someone who is also close to someone going through cancer, you should be aware that people sometimes glom onto a smaller problem (you know, the kind they can SOLVE) in the face of much larger issues.

maeday2 · March 2015

Knottie01055312 said:
@ashley8918 I should have been more clear. The only way my wedding will be moved is if my MIL isn't going to make it to October. Stem cell transplants are very risky, especially in conjunction with the fact that she has almost no kidney function. So yes, it's a possibility, but only if we get news that she's not going to make it.

Editing because I wanted to respond to one other thing: It's not that I don't understand the concern around booking a flight and potentially losing out on money. I get that, and I've made it very clear that if someone can't or doesn't want to come because of it, I totally understand. There are situations in life that you just sometimes can't control. At the end of the day, if we were told my MIL wasn't going to make it, I'd never ask my FI to keep our wedding date just so my family could keep their flights. That's his MOM. I'd be heartbroken if I was in his position and he even insinuated that's what he thought we should do. The reason I'm coming off annoyed is because when you go through something like this, small things don't matter anymore. I'd hope that if it came down to moving up the date, my family would be understanding.

Take your own words to heart. In the scheme of things, that BM dress is trivial. It has absolutely no bearing on your wedding and future marriage.

I'm sorry to hear about your FMIL.

klk111415 · March 2015

KatieinBkln. If keeping her mind occupied is going to get her through a difficult time, then she should just do that. But OP- Don't stress this small matter just yet. As I said, you have time. And jumping to conclusion as to why your aunt and cousin aren't responding will only make matters worse. Since the wedding isn't being moved up, bridesmaid dresses don't need to be ordered until April for them to come in a timely fashion. Yes, you don't want to wait till last minute because then if the dress needs alterations the person will be scrambling to get them done. I ordered mid March for an August wedding with another time to get alterations done. For all you know, your aunt is holding off because she's waiting for some bills to clear or what have you. But if this really has you worried that they are icing you- just give your aunt a quick call and get down to the bottom of this. I feel like phone calls are harder to ignore.

Knottie1463426215 · March 2015

Yall, the crux of my issue isn't really the fact that the BM dress hasn't been ordered. Would I like it to be? Yes. Is it annoying that hasn't been? Sort of. But the main reason I was compelled to start this thread in the first place is because my aunt's attitude pisses me off. She prefers the salon where I bought my dress because it's more upscale than the second place we went shopping, but I made it very clear to her from the get-go that they won't price-match. She may be interested in pursuing it further, but it isn't MY responsibility to do so for her. My aunt knows what's going on in my personal life, but apparently she feels like I should make time for this. Meanwhile, my cousin had a whole month and a half off for winter break and she wasn't working. At her age, given that it is her dress, maybe she could pick up the phone and call! This is nothing new to me. My aunt has always been like this. This is exactly why I was being ignored and why the dress still hasn't been ordered.

I'm not really sure how this thread morphed into something else. Thank you to everyone who's been positive and encouraging, and sorry to those who are also going through something similar. To those that have called me "crazy" for planning a wedding while my FMIL is sick, I guess you didn't read through the entire thread because my wedding was mostly planned before she was even diagnosed. The little time I do spend planning at this point is therapeutic for me. It's "me" time, and that's important to still have. I don't need people telling me what I should do or how I should react.

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