"They're paying so they get a say"

Jen4948 · February 2015

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

KatWAG · February 2015

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony
who is in your wedding party.
colors
who you are marrying
registries

lovegood90 · February 2015

I would say definitely anything to do with the ceremony should be up to the couple getting married- ie if you parents are paying and they want you to have a religious ceremony but you're not religious, then too bad- stuff like that.

I think things like the guest list, décor, venue, food (depending what they're paying for if it's something specific) are fair game for them to have a say in.

I would also argue anything that's against etiquette is a non-negotiable no matter who is paying. Example- if mom is paying for the reception and wants to have less chairs than there are people, you should be able to put your foot down on that regardless of who is paying.

AddieCake · February 2015

I agree with everything on Kat's list.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

What KatWAG said.

I would also add hair and makeup into the mix. And really, I don't feel like they should be able to dictate what dress you get just because they are paying for it. A budget for the dress? Sure. But to say that you can only wear a tulle ballgown? Nope. When it comes to your physical appearance they shouldn't have a say.

Junebug2015 · February 2015

Things that don't cost money (first dance song, ceremony readings) or things that their money is definitely not buying (bridesmaid dresses, bridesmaid hair).

I think it also depends on how much and how parents are contributing. So, for example, if parents earmark their contribution for catering, they should have input over the menu and the guest list. If they offer to buy your dress, I think they can refuse to pay for something they find inappropriate.

Jen4948 · February 2015

Junebug2015 said:
Things that don't cost money (first dance song, ceremony readings) or things that their money is definitely not buying (bridesmaid dresses, bridesmaid hair).

I think it also depends on how much and how parents are contributing. So, for example, if parents earmark their contribution for catering, they should have input over the menu and the guest list. If they offer to buy your dress, I think they can refuse to pay for something they find inappropriate.

Well, I think for the bolded it depends on what they consider "inappropriate."

If the issue is the cost or the style of the dress, like a really low-cut strapless or off-the-shoulder dress, then yeah, they might have a point, but if it's something like what fabric it's made of, like chiffon vs. tulle, as Maggie says, that shouldn't be considered inappropriate.

ohannabelle · February 2015

I don't think there's an official rule list, but I wish there was. Because I've seen some BSC parents on this site

Rule number one moms (and dads) need to remember: It's not your wedding.

I think the type of wedding- small, large, formal, informal, religious, non religious- is completely bride and groom.

What people wear- bride and groom. Even if I pay, I don't think I have the right to dictate such a personal choice. I reserve the right to break down and cry in the salon if you choose something really hideously ugly, but that's unlikely. If this happens, I need to suck it up at the actual wedding.

Food and drink- if parents are paying, they have a say. Not "the say," but a say. As in, I would like something served that pleases me, as well as your horde of vegetarian friends. If I'm paying for a bar with signature cocktails, one of those better be a manhattan.

If I'm contributing to the venue price, I get some guests. Not so many guests that it goes from being a small intimate wedding to a blow out giant wedding (see rule one) but a few of my best friends should be included. A reasonable number.

Music- please include a reasonable amount of parent pleasing music. I don't care if that means some Beatles or some Ramones (Thank you, darling daughter!) or Frank Sinatra. A few selections so that we olds can also get down with our bad selves.

Etiquette rules are non negotiable for either party.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

Junebug2015 said:
Things that don't cost money (first dance song, ceremony readings) or things that their money is definitely not buying (bridesmaid dresses, bridesmaid hair).

I think it also depends on how much and how parents are contributing. So, for example, if parents earmark their contribution for catering, they should have input over the menu and the guest list. If they offer to buy your dress, I think they can refuse to pay for something they find inappropriate.

Well, I think for the bolded it depends on what they consider "inappropriate."
If the issue is the cost or the style of the dress, like a really low-cut strapless or off-the-shoulder dress, then yeah, they might have a point, but if it's something like what fabric it's made of, like chiffon vs. tulle, as Maggie says, that shouldn't be considered inappropriate.

Exactly. And it would be a very good idea for the bride and whoever is footing the bill to discuss what would be considered inappropriate in the bill payers eyes so there won't be drama and (bad) tears at the bridal salon.

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

Everyone has raised good point so far, so I'll say I was lucky in this regard.

I wanted a tiny wedding, maybe even an elopement. DH knew that wouldn't fly in his family. I didn't want to spend much at all. DH knew his mom planned to give him money for his wedding, and I did know my parents would give me something as they had my sister.

So, DH told me his parents would give us a significant chunk of change but it came with the string of a set number of guests. We added my parents' money and our own money onto that, and that was the budget. We were able to throw a great party and invite everyone his mom said we had to invite.

Thank God her money didn't come with any more strings than number of guests. Now, seeing what other people go through really irks me. My best friend's future mother in law demanded 100 guests while giving a financial contribution that was in no way enough to make a dent in catering costs for that many people. My friend and her fiance could have refused, but her fiance just insisted on upping their personal budget to accommodate them. My friend did not want to spend that much money on her wedding. Same general situation with my sister, but my sister and her now husband just refused to accommodate all the demanded guests and had a tiny wedding they could afford instead.

theartistformerlyknownas · February 2015

ohannabelle said:
I don't think there's an official rule list, but I wish there was. Because I've seen some BSC parents on this site

Rule number one moms (and dads) need to remember: It's not your wedding.

I think the type of wedding- small, large, formal, informal, religious, non religious- is completely bride and groom.

What people wear- bride and groom. Even if I pay, I don't think I have the right to dictate such a personal choice. I reserve the right to break down and cry in the salon if you choose something really hideously ugly, but that's unlikely. If this happens, I need to suck it up at the actual wedding.

Food and drink- if parents are paying, they have a say. Not "the say," but a say. As in, I would like something served that pleases me, as well as your horde of vegetarian friends. If I'm paying for a bar with signature cocktails, one of those better be a manhattan.

If I'm contributing to the venue price, I get some guests. Not so many guests that it goes from being a small intimate wedding to a blow out giant wedding (see rule one) but a few of my best friends should be included. A reasonable number.

Music- please include a reasonable amount of parent pleasing music. I don't care if that means some Beatles or some Ramones (Thank you, darling daughter!) or Frank Sinatra. A few selections so that we olds can also get down with our bad selves.

Etiquette rules are non negotiable for either party.

Very much the bolded. My friend's mom INSISTED (like, threatened to pull all her money if she didn't get her way) on serving passed shrimp cocktails at my friend's wedding. Only catch is friend is deathly allergic to shellfish. Nope, mom said "it's not a proper wedding without shrimp cocktail." Friend didn't have a dime to pay for anything herself, so she gave in, then was nervous about cross-contamination the whole night. Sorry not sorry, I think the people getting married to have some right not to fear death at their own wedding, no matter who is paying.

MOB also dictated the dress, which friend totally regretted.

thisismynickname2 · February 2015

lolo883 said:

ohannabelle said:
I don't think there's an official rule list, but I wish there was. Because I've seen some BSC parents on this site

Rule number one moms (and dads) need to remember: It's not your wedding.

I think the type of wedding- small, large, formal, informal, religious, non religious- is completely bride and groom.

What people wear- bride and groom. Even if I pay, I don't think I have the right to dictate such a personal choice. I reserve the right to break down and cry in the salon if you choose something really hideously ugly, but that's unlikely. If this happens, I need to suck it up at the actual wedding.

Food and drink- if parents are paying, they have a say. Not "the say," but a say. As in, I would like something served that pleases me, as well as your horde of vegetarian friends. If I'm paying for a bar with signature cocktails, one of those better be a manhattan.

If I'm contributing to the venue price, I get some guests. Not so many guests that it goes from being a small intimate wedding to a blow out giant wedding (see rule one) but a few of my best friends should be included. A reasonable number.

Music- please include a reasonable amount of parent pleasing music. I don't care if that means some Beatles or some Ramones (Thank you, darling daughter!) or Frank Sinatra. A few selections so that we olds can also get down with our bad selves.

Etiquette rules are non negotiable for either party.

Very much the bolded. My friend's mom INSISTED (like, threatened to pull all her money if she didn't get her way) on serving passed shrimp cocktails at my friend's wedding. Only catch is friend is deathly allergic to shellfish. Nope, mom said "it's not a proper wedding without shrimp cocktail." Friend didn't have a dime to pay for anything herself, so she gave in, then was nervous about cross-contamination the whole night. Sorry not sorry, I think the people getting married to have some right not to fear death at their own wedding, no matter who is paying.

MOB also dictated the dress, which friend totally regretted.

She did that to her own daughter? What the fuck, seriously? Deathly allergic?

redoryx · February 2015

lolo883 said:

ohannabelle said:
I don't think there's an official rule list, but I wish there was. Because I've seen some BSC parents on this site

Rule number one moms (and dads) need to remember: It's not your wedding.

I think the type of wedding- small, large, formal, informal, religious, non religious- is completely bride and groom.

What people wear- bride and groom. Even if I pay, I don't think I have the right to dictate such a personal choice. I reserve the right to break down and cry in the salon if you choose something really hideously ugly, but that's unlikely. If this happens, I need to suck it up at the actual wedding.

Food and drink- if parents are paying, they have a say. Not "the say," but a say. As in, I would like something served that pleases me, as well as your horde of vegetarian friends. If I'm paying for a bar with signature cocktails, one of those better be a manhattan.

If I'm contributing to the venue price, I get some guests. Not so many guests that it goes from being a small intimate wedding to a blow out giant wedding (see rule one) but a few of my best friends should be included. A reasonable number.

Music- please include a reasonable amount of parent pleasing music. I don't care if that means some Beatles or some Ramones (Thank you, darling daughter!) or Frank Sinatra. A few selections so that we olds can also get down with our bad selves.

Etiquette rules are non negotiable for either party.

Very much the bolded. My friend's mom INSISTED (like, threatened to pull all her money if she didn't get her way) on serving passed shrimp cocktails at my friend's wedding. Only catch is friend is deathly allergic to shellfish. Nope, mom said "it's not a proper wedding without shrimp cocktail." Friend didn't have a dime to pay for anything herself, so she gave in, then was nervous about cross-contamination the whole night. Sorry not sorry, I think the people getting married to have some right not to fear death at their own wedding, no matter who is paying.

MOB also dictated the dress, which friend totally regretted.

Wait -- the woman's daughter was deathly allergic to shellfish and she still insisted on shrimp cocktails? I just....WHAT THE FUCK?!

badbnagdway · February 2015

So, I'm super interested in people's thoughts on this topic. Mostly this is a tag. I am so glad that we are paying for our own wedding (mom spontaneously gifted $1,000 over Christmas but made no requests about its use other than wedding). But I do have a friend who has family financiers and there is a lot of warring over things like centerpieces.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

I love my parents and I loved them even more during the wedding planning process. They paid for the entire thing and I think the only thing they said no to was spending like $4K on renting 260 chivari chairs. But they knew that I would shop around and really compare prices to what I was getting and they knew I wouldn't book anything without first running it by them first.

But I read these threads about crazy parents with crazy demands and just thank my lucky stars that my parents were so easy about it all.

arrrghmatey · February 2015

I'm so glad my parents have been pretty much hands-off in our wedding planning, despite their sizable financial contribution. I've made it a point to run certain decisions by them based on where their money is going, and they've been easy-going.

The only thing that came up was my mother wanting us to get married in a church. That I said no to, because FI and I don't belong to a church and I'm adamant about not being married in a church. She countered, "Well, your Aunt So-and-So and Uncle So-and-So probably won't come if you don't get married in a church." Phht. I really don't care, and I'm not close to them, anyway. They skipped out on my sister's wedding because she became pregnant out of wedlock and didn't marry in a church. Yet when their son got his now-wife pregnant out of wedlock, everything was just perfectly wonderful. Mom relented, though.

Wooo, almost went off on a long rant, there. Good topic, here.

kvruns · February 2015

Maggie0829 said:
I love my parents and I loved them even more during the wedding planning process. They paid for the entire thing and I think the only thing they said no to was spending like $4K on renting 260 chivari chairs. But they knew that I would shop around and really compare prices to what I was getting and they knew I wouldn't book anything without first running it by them first.

But I read these threads about crazy parents with crazy demands and just thank my lucky stars that my parents were so easy about it all.

same here! My parents aren't paying for the whole thing, but basically said heres XX money use it how you see fit. They said if I were younger (I'm 32, we're both well established) they would probably have paid for the whole thing but would have wanted more input in how it was being spent but they trust me and know I'm frugal anyway so we're concerned. They actually offered more if what they initially said wasn't enough but I said it was plenty.

MandyMost · February 2015

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries

But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."

"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."

"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

Jen4948 · February 2015

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.

badbnagdway · February 2015

So, clearly before you accept money, you should talk about the terms under which you are accepting the money. But, if a couple fails to get the parameters clear from the get-go, and the financiers are insisting on certain things, or decisions just can't be made because of the differing opinions, how do you guys recommend handling it?

[Deleted User] · February 2015

Lots of good / reasonable suggestions here. Interesting question.

I too feel so bad for people who have to involve crazy parents. We very much wanted to pay for our wedding ourselves because we're grown ups, and so we didn't have to make every decision by committee.

The only things our parents have requested or volunteered to pay for are my fiance's suit (his mom said she'd like to buy it for him- no clue what the budget will be and not my concern really) and when my parents asked if we were doing a honeymoon, I said we were but just a few days in Lake Geneva because that's what we could afford, my parents offered to pay for that trip for us.

My mom picked a place out, but said we could do something different, and we did b/c the place she picked was scary! (Fake ivy hanging over the bed and teddy bears in ruffled dresses on the beds *shudder*) It took some back and forth b/c they wouldn't give us a budget, they just said pick some places and they'd look into them. I didn't like that b/c I didn't want to get my heart seat on the one I "really" liked and then have it be more than they wanted to spend. I was "this" close to turning down the offer, but things finally started to fall into place.

We got our first choice B&B, asked if we could have $x for meals (I didn't want to have to decide NOW what I'll be eating for each meal in October), and we picked three activities we wanted to do and got pricing so she'll probably send us money to cover food and activities in those amounts. Done and done; we'll pay for anything else ourselves just to avoid the hassle of it all.

Honestly it wasn't that bad, but my fiance and I would make a decision, and then my mom would say, well what about this? I don't think she really cared, she just wanted us to have a good time and kept suggesting things, but it made me feel like I had to keep going back to fiance to discuss things. Honestly, we ended up almost exactly where we started and everyone is happy.

Jen4948 · February 2015

I think that when there's an impasse that each side considers a hill to die on, probably most of us will recommend returning the money and paying for it oneself, even if the other parties threaten not to attend.

MandyMost · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.

I guess I think paying DOES entitle one to dictate the whole event. It's your money, you can use it however you want. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean that automatically you no longer have a right to use your money however you see fit. If you tell a bride that you will buy her a wedding dress, you get a say in what dress you buy. It's still YOUR money and you can use it however you see fit. I mean, hopefully anyone who loves you enough to offer to pay for your wedding wants you to be happy and will use their money on what you want, but that's not required.

It's of course different if the money is given with no strings (here's a chunk of money, feel free to use it for your wedding if you want to) or with clear strings (here's the money, as long as you get married in a church and you invite all our relatives).

Jen4948 · February 2015

MandyMost said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.
I guess I think paying DOES entitle one to dictate the whole event. It's your money, you can use it however you want. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean that automatically you no longer have a right to use your money however you see fit. If you tell a bride that you will buy her a wedding dress, you get a say in what dress you buy. It's still YOUR money and you can use it however you see fit. I mean, hopefully anyone who loves you enough to offer to pay for your wedding wants you to be happy and will use their money on what you want, but that's not required.

It's of course different if the money is given with no strings (here's a chunk of money, feel free to use it for your wedding if you want to) or with clear strings (here's the money, as long as you get married in a church and you invite all our relatives).

Up to a point. If the point of disagreement is something involving money, yeah, but if it's not, like whether or not the wedding is in your house of worship or someone is in the wedding party, no. Your money doesn't get to make that decision.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

Jen4948 said:
I think that when there's an impasse that each side considers a hill to die on, probably most of us will recommend returning the money and paying for it oneself, even if the other parties threaten not to attend.

Yup. For example if my parents insisted that I get married in a church that would be a hill H and I would have been willing to die on. But if my parents insisted that I serve chicken instead of beef or have tulips instead of roses we would have compromised on that.

Lets look at it from a renter/rentee standpoint. Say I rent a home. Since it is not my home I have to listen to the rentees rules. Rules that make sense would be that I can't paint without their approval or change the structural aspects of the home. But if they told me that I could not have a green couch or a white kitchen table then we would have issues. So just because they own the house (paying for the wedding) they should not be able to control my furniture choices (ceremony) just because they own it.

**Okay, that was probably a horrible analogy but it is Friday and I have eaten too many donuts.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

MandyMost said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.
I guess I think paying DOES entitle one to dictate the whole event. It's your money, you can use it however you want. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean that automatically you no longer have a right to use your money however you see fit. If you tell a bride that you will buy her a wedding dress, you get a say in what dress you buy. It's still YOUR money and you can use it however you see fit. I mean, hopefully anyone who loves you enough to offer to pay for your wedding wants you to be happy and will use their money on what you want, but that's not required.

It's of course different if the money is given with no strings (here's a chunk of money, feel free to use it for your wedding if you want to) or with clear strings (here's the money, as long as you get married in a church and you invite all our relatives).

So if you paid for someones wedding you think you have the right to dictate what is included in their ceremony? For example their vows or the choice of officiant or if it is religious or not?

huskypuppy14 · February 2015

Jen4948 said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.

ITMFB

Some people are not reasonable though. There are reasonable B&G and BSC parents, and then there are BSC B&Gs and normal parents. If a parent is saying they will pay for your wedding if XYZ happens, it doesn't matter that we (as normal reasonable people) think they're not entitled to that. They can still pull their money.

There is a poster on here (can't think of her name, it has a jen in it) whose Dad said he's pulling the wedding fund because of something we all think is unreasonable. Doesn't change the fact that that poster can't get that money because of crazy daddy.

Jen4948 · February 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

Jen4948 said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.

ITMFB

Some people are not reasonable though. There are reasonable B&G and BSC parents, and then there are BSC B&Gs and normal parents. If a parent is saying they will pay for your wedding if XYZ happens, it doesn't matter that we (as normal reasonable people) think they're not entitled to that. They can still pull their money.

There is a poster on here (can't think of her name, it has a jen in it) whose Dad said he's pulling the wedding fund because of something we all think is unreasonable. Doesn't change the fact that that poster can't get that money because of crazy daddy.

So the real question is: Where is the line between reasonable and not reasonable? Because yeah, I think if whoever's paying makes an unreasonable demand, we're going to give the money back and pay for the wedding ourselves.

badbnagdway · February 2015

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.
I guess I think paying DOES entitle one to dictate the whole event. It's your money, you can use it however you want. Just because it's a wedding doesn't mean that automatically you no longer have a right to use your money however you see fit. If you tell a bride that you will buy her a wedding dress, you get a say in what dress you buy. It's still YOUR money and you can use it however you see fit. I mean, hopefully anyone who loves you enough to offer to pay for your wedding wants you to be happy and will use their money on what you want, but that's not required.

It's of course different if the money is given with no strings (here's a chunk of money, feel free to use it for your wedding if you want to) or with clear strings (here's the money, as long as you get married in a church and you invite all our relatives).
So if you paid for someones wedding you think you have the right to dictate what is included in their ceremony? For example their vows or the choice of officiant or if it is religious or not?

I agree that it is no one's "right" to dictate things like, the type of ceremony, etc. Personally, if a family member said, "hey, I'll pay for your whole wedding, but the ceremony has to be a Catholic Mass", I'd be like, thanks, but no thanks, FI and I are not Catholic, we are paying for the whole thing ourselves. Other than being controlling, is that family member "wrong" to put strings on the contribution?

The practical reality is, again, people can pull funding if they don't like what you are doing. Is it controlling of a mom to dictate the ceremony details because she is paying? Yeah, but I guess my question remains, how does one deal with it or reason with her?

I mean, the answer may just be, put your big girl pants on and pay for what you can afford yourself, end of story. I'm just, again, legitimately curious to hear how other people have dealt with this problem.

Maggie0829 · February 2015

huskypuppy14 said:

Jen4948 said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

This line comes up a lot when parents and others who are contributing financially don't agree with the plans.

I wonder: is there anything that they don't get a say in even if they are paying?

whether religion is part of your ceremony

who is in your wedding party.

colors

who you are marrying

registries
But why? If a parent wants to throw you a wedding, then they can offer to throw you the wedding that THEY want to throw. If that's not the wedding you want, you should refuse.

"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married in a church."
"I'll pay for the wedding if your sisters are bridesmaids."
"I'll pay for the wedding, but I envision lots of pastels that will go perfect at this ballroom."
"I'll pay for the wedding if you get married later, but I'm not putting one dime down for you to marry Bob."

If you don't want someone else dictating the event, don't take their money. Period. There is NOTHING you can expect the person paying to not have a say in.

Hopefully if someone offers to pay they are not going to dictate any of these things, but you really never know. You can't expect people to give you money, and you can't expect to have control over an event that someone else is throwing.

That's the whole point of this thread: Paying doesn't entitle one to dictate the whole event. We're trying to determine what it doesn't entitle the payer to dictate.

ITMFB

Some people are not reasonable though. There are reasonable B&G and BSC parents, and then there are BSC B&Gs and normal parents. If a parent is saying they will pay for your wedding if XYZ happens, it doesn't matter that we (as normal reasonable people) think they're not entitled to that. They can still pull their money.

There is a poster on here (can't think of her name, it has a jen in it) whose Dad said he's pulling the wedding fund because of something we all think is unreasonable. Doesn't change the fact that that poster can't get that money because of crazy daddy.

STUPIDBOXESSTUPIDBOXESSTUPIDBOXES

I guess what someone is entitled or not entitled to have control over and what is and is not reasonable to demand are kind of the same thing.

Some parents/couple feel like they should have complete say over everything regardless of who is paying. Others are more apt to compromise. But in the end, there are some things that only the couple who is getting married should have a say in.

Now if parents and kids want to fight over the type of centerpieces or colored table cloths that will be at the wedding they are free to do that, but that is just BSC in my book.

arrrghmatey · February 2015

badbnagdway said:

MandyMost said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

KatWAG said:

Jen4948 said:

I agree that it is no one's "right" to dictate things like, the type of ceremony, etc. Personally, if a family member said, "hey, I'll pay for your whole wedding, but the ceremony has to be a Catholic Mass", I'd be like, thanks, but no thanks, FI and I are not Catholic, we are paying for the whole thing ourselves. Other than being controlling, is that family member "wrong" to put strings on the contribution?

The practical reality is, again, people can pull funding if they don't like what you are doing. Is it controlling of a mom to dictate the ceremony details because she is paying? Yeah, but I guess my question remains, how does one deal with it or reason with her?

I mean, the answer may just be, put your big girl pants on and pay for what you can afford yourself, end of story. I'm just, again, legitimately curious to hear how other people have dealt with this problem.

Where's the BOX??:

Exactly. Even though my mother gave in to our decision to not have a Catholic ceremony, FI and I decided that we would pay for the actual ceremony/officiant ourselves so that we could maintain control over that aspect and avoid any conflict later should this arise again.

"They're paying so they get a say"

Re: "They're paying so they get a say"

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

"They're paying so they get a say"

Re: &quot;They're paying so they get a say&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: "They're paying so they get a say"