Between a rock and a hard place

Re: Between a rock and a hard place

• jacques27 member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  Why isn't she standing up on her father's side?  She's his daughter.  Wedding parties don't have to segregate based on genitalia (nor do they have to be even - so he can have both of his children and you can have your one girlfriend if you weren't planning to ask anyone else).  Talk to your FI and ask him why he's only having his son stand up with him at the wedding.
  
  Either that or have both the daughter AND your friend.  Sides don't have to be even and it's unfair to exclude her because she doesn't seem "excited enough" (assuming she actually wants to do it, just isn't displaying the "proper" amount of enthusiasm for you).  After all, she's a 12 year old girl dealing with middle school right now, sports, boys, other extracurricular activities, and her dad is marrying someone who is not her mom.  She probably has a lot on her plate that leaves very little room for squeeing about a wedding that's not her own. 
  
  ETA: Is her mom still in the picture? Maybe daughter feels conflicted, like she's being disloyal to her mom by standing up on your side, even if she does like you and want to be in the wedding.  Another reason why having HIS daughter stand on HIS side makes more sense than putting her on yours because she's a girl.
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2015

  I agree with the PP and add that you're being incredibly selfish. She's a twelve year old girl, her father is marrying another woman. Of course you should ask her to stand beside you. Your marriage to their father is creating a new family. Be a good step mom and include her enthusiastically.

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• poedragge4 member

  

  March 2015

  Her mom is also getting married, in about 2 months. She is a very precious girl I just thought it might be nice to find something fun and unique for her to do. I never thought about having her on her Dads side. That is a great idea! And her dress (that she gets to pick) can match his side. That would be really cute and special. Thanks!

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• poedragge4 member

  

  March 2015

  There is nothing selfish about it. She is a fabulous girl and thought she would like to do something more fun than just stand there. Something more active and give her some spot light. My boys aren't standing with him, they are doing other things, more personal things like speaking for my deceased father, giving me away ect. It feels more personal. That's what I was hoping to do for her. Something personal that she could have that's just hers.
  But thanks for the judgment and criticism.

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• kmmssg mod

  

  March 2015

  Both of her parents are getting remarried.  That is not what she signed up for.  She is 12 - which is rough anyway, and has a lot on her plate emotionally.  Make her a bridesmaid and ask if she wants to stand on your side or her dad's side.  I had 4 girls and 12 sucks as it is - to have both parents getting remarried is a lot for her to have to deal with - so much so that she probably isn't acting  enthusiastic.  Don't be cruel here (and that is how you sound).  Let her know she is a bridesmaid and let her decide which side she wants to stand on.

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• novella1186 member

  

  March 2015

  wendyndale said:

  I am marrying a man who has 2 children. He has a 12 yr old daughter and an 8 yr old boy. He is having his son stand up with him in the wedding. I want to find something special for her to do. Standing with me doesn't seem very fun. She needs something personal, that's just for her to do and gives her a moment to shine. I want her to feel involved and do something she is really excited about.

  Honestly, I agree with PP. Including her in the wedding party will make her feel special. Not including her in it, even though her brother is in it, will likely make her feel terrible. I was the youngest in my family including all the cousins so I ended up getting excluded a lot and it sucked. I never wanted a big special thing; just wanted to be a part of what was going on.
  

  

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• chibiyui member

  

  March 2015

  When my mother and step-father were married, all 4 of us daughters (two of his, my sister and I for Mom) stood up with them. Definitely offer the 12 year old a place in the party and let her choose which side she stands on.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• poedragge4 member

  

  March 2015

  I think I've done a poor job of explaining. She would never be excluded.we have 6 kids between us. I simply wanted something that she could do that seemed more fun or extra cool. She can stand wherever she wants. But I want her to have something special that's just hers.i want her to be excited about having a special duty of some sort so she could say "I got to do....whatever it is...... In the wedding and it was super cool" im not saying I don't want her to be a bridesmaid at all! I'm saying she thinks it's pretty boring and would prob enjoy some time in the spotlight. She is smart and beautiful, I just wanted to find her a special niche I've been judged and criticized here today and I'm just looking for a way to give her a sense of ownership and pride.

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• VulgarGirl member

  

  March 2015

  She's 12...did anyone ask her if there's anything she wants to do?
  
  I was 13 when my dad married my step mom. She asked me if I wanted to do anything special and gave me a few options (including standing with her or my dad). I didn't want to stand up on either side, wasn't my jam. Instead I did a reading and that felt special to me.
  
  In fact my step mom did the same reading at my wedding. I'd just talk with her and see what she thinks.

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• poedragge4 member

  

  March 2015

  I did think about her doing a reading. She LOVES to read and she is a very good writer. I will give her the choice. She can stand anywhere she wants or no where if she chooses. I just want her to have fun. I think she should pick the song for a father/daughter dance too.

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• slothiegal member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  I did think about her doing a reading. She LOVES to read and she is a very good writer. I will give her the choice. She can stand anywhere she wants or no where if she chooses. I just want her to have fun. I think she should pick the song for a father/daughter dance too.

  
  
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  Just want to jump in.....make sure that making the song selection is a choice
  for her as well (as opposed to saying, "hey, you're in charge of the father/daughter dance song!").  Perhaps that's your intention, but the wordings of this leaves some ambiguity.

  
  

  (I was a very anxious child, and if I was told I had to pick a song for my dad's wedding.....well, that would stress me the hell out and I would probably lie awake at night worrying about it.  Extreme example, since I was a kid with a yet-to-be-diagnosed anxiety disorder, but just a reminder to make it clear to her she really doesn't have to do anything for this wedding....only what she's comfortable with.)

  
  

  
  

  ETA boxes all over the place

  

  
  

  
  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  March 2015

  At 12 with both parents getting married, I'll bet she doesn't really want anything more wedding related other than to have a special dress. 

  
  

  I think the most thoughtful thing you could do is to arrange for your Fiance to have some special non-wedding related 1 on 1 time with his daughter doing a hobby they both enjoy. Go for a hike, or a sports game, cooking class or just something where they can relax and she can actually talk to her dad. I think she would feel a million times better with some good quality time rather than a spotlight on a wedding day. 

  
  

  She probably has a lot of anxiety and confusion (we all did at 12 without both parents getting remarried). 

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2015 edited March 2015

  poedragge4 said:

  There is nothing selfish about it. She is a fabulous girl and thought she would like to do something more fun than just stand there. Something more active and give her some spot light. My boys aren't standing with him, they are doing other things, more personal things like speaking for my deceased father, giving me away ect. It feels more personal. That's what I was hoping to do for her. Something personal that she could have that's just hers.
  But thanks for the judgment and criticism.

  If one is not the couple, a parent of the couple, or the officiant, then the only roles available are bridesmaid/groomsmaid, flower girl, reader, or guest. And while all of those are honors, none of those would give that person "spot light."
  
  Truth is, no one other than the couple themselves is entitled to "spot light" at a wedding. And no one else should have a speaking role besides them, whoever is giving away if you're doing that, and the officiant. There are no other speaking roles.
  
  And no one should be speaking for your deceased father. No one would disagree that it's very sad that he can't be there, but nobody can take his place - especially not a child. If your sons are going to speak, they have to do it solely in their own capacities.

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• ashley8918 member

  

  March 2015

  I think that you are making this harder than it needs to be. Ask her what she wants, and proceed accordingly.

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• ashley8918 member

  

  March 2015

  Jen4948 said:

  poedragge4 said:

  There is nothing selfish about it. She is a fabulous girl and thought she would like to do something more fun than just stand there. Something more active and give her some spot light. My boys aren't standing with him, they are doing other things, more personal things like speaking for my deceased father, giving me away ect. It feels more personal. That's what I was hoping to do for her. Something personal that she could have that's just hers.
  But thanks for the judgment and criticism.

  If one is not the couple, a parent of the couple, or the officiant, then the only roles available are bridesmaid/groomsmaid, flower girl, reader, or guest. And while all of those are honors, none of those would give that person "spot light."
  
  Truth is, no one other than the couple themselves is entitled to "spot light" at a wedding. And no one else should have a speaking role besides them, whoever is giving away if you're doing that, and the officiant. There are no other speaking roles.
  
  And no one should be speaking for your deceased father. No one would disagree that it's very sad that he can't be there, but nobody can take his place - especially not a child. If your sons are going to speak, they have to do it solely in their own capacities.

  Im pretty sure that the OP meant doing some sort of reading in his honor, not speaking as if he were the father.

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• lnixon8 member

  

  March 2015

  "Know your crowd" sort of thing but....Are you getting your nails done? Ask her to come along. I think it'd be cool to pick out a special saprkly headband from francescas (idk if you have these stores but it would be less than $15, she can wear again..), maybe followed by a frapaccinos?

  
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2015

  ashley8918 said:

  Jen4948 said:

  poedragge4 said:

  There is nothing selfish about it. She is a fabulous girl and thought she would like to do something more fun than just stand there. Something more active and give her some spot light. My boys aren't standing with him, they are doing other things, more personal things like speaking for my deceased father, giving me away ect. It feels more personal. That's what I was hoping to do for her. Something personal that she could have that's just hers.
  But thanks for the judgment and criticism.

  If one is not the couple, a parent of the couple, or the officiant, then the only roles available are bridesmaid/groomsmaid, flower girl, reader, or guest. And while all of those are honors, none of those would give that person "spot light."
  
  Truth is, no one other than the couple themselves is entitled to "spot light" at a wedding. And no one else should have a speaking role besides them, whoever is giving away if you're doing that, and the officiant. There are no other speaking roles.
  
  And no one should be speaking for your deceased father. No one would disagree that it's very sad that he can't be there, but nobody can take his place - especially not a child. If your sons are going to speak, they have to do it solely in their own capacities.

  Im pretty sure that the OP meant doing some sort of reading in his honor, not speaking as if he were the father.

  Perhaps, but that would be speaking in their own capacities, which is fine.
  
  I was thinking of another thread where someone wanted to mention "and in honor of Bride's late mother" during the presenting of the bride and to list her stepmother that way in the program. These wouldn't be appropriate at all, let alone for a kid.

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  March 2015

  I mean really... most people aren't "excited" about just standing there as a BM during a wedding. That particular piece of it isn't fun for anyone, regardless of age. But it IS an honor, and it's an appropriate one for a kid her age. I feel a little squicky about trying to give her more spotlight... I think your heart's in the right place but the wedding isn't about her individually, it's about you and your FI coming together first and foremost, and then about joining families. Not the time and place for spotlight performances.

  
  

  I think having all of your kids stand on each respective side would be really nice. His on his side and yours on yours. Your sons can still give you away and then join the WP in line.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2015

  Hey, you say she's a talented writer, when you ask her what she wants to do, maybe float the idea of her writing a poem or something to read at your wedding.  She can read it too, if she wants, or another of your readers can read it.  I would definitely ask her how she wants to participate, but give her lots of options and tell her it's also perfectly fine if she just sits in the front row as an honored guest.

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