How to deal with people FMIL keeps inviting but are unwanted...

Knottie82769902 · March 2015

My FMIL keeps inviting people that she has neither asked us if she could invite, nor we would want to invite. It is becoming very awkward for us. Some of them have already sent us gifts and I don't know how to handle this. We have told her that she needs to ask us about the people she would like to invite, but in the end it's our descsion. She continues to do this though. We are at our wits end!! It's not about having a small wedding, it's more about being surrounded by the people that know and support us the most and the people she's inviting just don't fit the bill. What else can we do?

artbyallie · March 2015

She needs to call these people and tell them she was mistaken and they are not invited. If she won't do it your FI needs to. Your FI also needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her and tell her she needs. To. STOP IT.

kmmssg · March 2015

Your FI says, "Mom we have asked you to stop inviting people on your own. You have kept doing it and now you have a problem. We are not going to have a seat or a meal for any of these people and they will be turned away at the door. You need to call and straighten his out now with every one you have invited OR you can be horribly embarrassed when they try to come to the wedding and are turned away."

I also recommend he insist on hearing the phone calls. I wish I could remember the circumstances way back but another bride had this problem and the groom made his mother call everyone while he sat there because he knew she wouldn't do it, thinking the couple would allow these people into the weddng.

I think it is time for some tough love with mom.

AddieCake · March 2015

Good grief. I do not know what parents who do this are thinking. Ditto PPs on having your fiancé put a stop to this.

mlg78 · March 2015

Are the in laws contributing financially to the wedding?

Knottie82769902 · March 2015

No. We are paying for everything ourselves. She said she would help with arranging the flowers, but I'm buying all of them.

flantastic · March 2015

Your FI: "Mom, it is going to be very awkward for you when they don't receive an invitation. Our guest list is set, and ____ are not on it. It will be very awkward for both you and they if they show up and there is not a seat or meal for them. Call them now and explain that you were mistaken."

blabla89 · March 2015

What the PPs said. And I'm just going to reiterate that your FI needs to be the one dealing with his mom, because you do not want to be in the middle of it.

MairePoppy · March 2015

Where are you in the planning process? I can't tell from your post if you have your guest list finalized or if you're ready to mail out the invitations.

If it's early, here's what I'd do: Your fi should tell his that she mother is allowed X number of guests and she should give him the guest list by X date, complete with addresses and phone numbers. If she goes over her allotted number of guests, your fi will cut the list. There will be no additions to the list. There will be assigned seating at the wedding and anyone without an assigned seat (escort card) will be turned away at the door by an impartial banquet manager or bouncer.

Don't trust your FMIL with any invitations. Hide them in a safe place because we've heard of mothers stealing invitations or repurposing invitations that went to their homes We've also heard of mothers having their own invitations printed!!!!!

Good luck with all this. Your FMIL isn't going to be happy with 'the talk.'

[Deleted User] · March 2015

Can I ask who's paying? If she contributing to the wedding, she has a say in certain matters and that can include the guest list. If this is the case, then you just have to invite these people or refuse the money she gave you to pay for the event.

If you're paying, then she can't just invite anyone. Can I ask exactly how she is inviting people? Is she sending them formal invitations or just telling them in person? If a formal invitation is not sent to these people, then they're technically not invited. It's nice of them to send gifts and I would accept them graciously and send a thank you card. Your FMIL will have to deal with her upset friends when they don't receive an invite. The situation will reflect poorly on your FMIL and not you.

Jen4948 · March 2015

Sadly, your FI is going to have to have a very firm talk with his mother and make clear that she has to stop inviting people and that she has to be the one to tell anyone she invited who is not on your guest list that she invited them in error and they won't be accommodated if they do show up at the wedding-and you and your FI will have to follow through by actually turning away any of her uninvited guests if they do show up.

So you'll have to budget for security or someone to do the turning away, because based on what you've posted about your FMIL, she's not going to stop inviting people and will take both any requirements from you that she has to do the uninviting of her extra guests and the possibility of their being turned away badly.

Knottie82769902 · March 2015

We are paying for everything ourselves. People have offered to help labor wise, but that's it.

KatWAG · March 2015

Your fi needs to have a serious talk with his mother. And she needs to call her friends and correct her mistake.

zitiqueen · March 2015

What does your FI think about all of this?

sophhabobopha · March 2015

Damn, that's rude. Sorry, OP.

beharrington · March 2015

I am so so sorry. Two years later and we're still not talking to MIL because of crap like this she pulled. We even resorted to the "no entrance to ballroom without an escort card" so she one upped us by letting her guests in through a side door when they proceeded to steal chairs from my guests and provide photo evidence by taking pictures in our photobooth.

My advice: Make sure FI does stand up to her and that she understands the consequences of continuing to be difficult. Follow through. Then, accept that things will happen and you will still be married. So, don't let her ruin your happiness.

destinationtake2 · March 2015

beharrington said:
I am so so sorry. Two years later and we're still not talking to MIL because of crap like this she pulled. We even resorted to the "no entrance to ballroom without an escort card" so she one upped us by letting her guests in through a side door when they proceeded to steal chairs from my guests and provide photo evidence by taking pictures in our photobooth.

My advice: Make sure FI does stand up to her and that she understands the consequences of continuing to be difficult. Follow through. Then, accept that things will happen and you will still be married. So, don't let her ruin your happiness.

OMG!!! That is so rude and disrespectful! Who were these people that they also agreed to go along with such poor behavior? What did you guys do?

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

Honestly? You do nothing. This is your FI's mom and his problem to deal with. If it were your parents you'd be dealing with it but it's not. Onus is on him to deal with his mother.

As far as guests who keep sending gifts or who may think that they're invited to the wedding, this is his mother's problem to fix. Your FI needs to be clear with her that it will be very embarrassing for her when she needs to explain to these people why they didn't get an invitation to the wedding.

also I would decline any offers that she gives you to throw a wedding shower.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

destinationtake2 said:

beharrington said:
I am so so sorry. Two years later and we're still not talking to MIL because of crap like this she pulled. We even resorted to the "no entrance to ballroom without an escort card" so she one upped us by letting her guests in through a side door when they proceeded to steal chairs from my guests and provide photo evidence by taking pictures in our photobooth.

My advice: Make sure FI does stand up to her and that she understands the consequences of continuing to be difficult. Follow through. Then, accept that things will happen and you will still be married. So, don't let her ruin your happiness.
OMG!!! That is so rude and disrespectful! Who were these people that they also agreed to go along with such poor behavior? What did you guys do?

That was exactly my thought! What kind of company is this woman keeping if she has so many friends bound and determined to be rude they'll sneak into an event they explicitly weren't invited to?

SP29 · March 2015

Yikes! Very awkward.

Agree that FI needs to have a come to jesus moment with his mom, but beyond that, it will be on HER if they show up without a seat or food to eat. Don't let it get to you (beyond if she brings it up, telling her the guest list is finalized and THAT person is not on it).

charcoalandblush · March 2015

destinationtake2 said:

beharrington said:
I am so so sorry. Two years later and we're still not talking to MIL because of crap like this she pulled. We even resorted to the "no entrance to ballroom without an escort card" so she one upped us by letting her guests in through a side door when they proceeded to steal chairs from my guests and provide photo evidence by taking pictures in our photobooth.

My advice: Make sure FI does stand up to her and that she understands the consequences of continuing to be difficult. Follow through. Then, accept that things will happen and you will still be married. So, don't let her ruin your happiness.
OMG!!! That is so rude and disrespectful! Who were these people that they also agreed to go along with such poor behavior? What did you guys do?

That was my thought... who would WANT to do that? If I was invited to a wedding by being told that the bride and groom didn't want me to be invited so I would have to sneak in a side door and steal someone else seat, I would not even DREAM of actually going.

aurianna · March 2015

Ditto PPs except in the unlikely event the people she's insisting on inviting fall into any of these categories:

1. They are significant others of adult guests you already plan on inviting (ei. If cousin Suzy is an adult, then you have to invite her boyfriend even if they've only been together for a month and/or you've never met him).

2. They were already invited (with your authorization) to a pre-wedding party like an engagement party or a shower. Anyone invited to a pre-wedding event needs to be invited to the wedding unless the pre-wedding party was a surprise and you had no pre-existing knowledge of the guest list. (ie if you knew neighbor Gertrude was going to be invited to your shower, you have to also invite her to the wedding).

3. They are under-18 children in families in which you are already
inviting some of the children (ie. If your cousin's little 5 year old
daughter Cindy is your flower girl, you also need to invite her 11 year
old brother, Bobby, to the wedding).

Outside of those, she's totally out of line. Let FI deal with it.

How to deal with people FMIL keeps inviting but are unwanted...

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