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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Knottie82769902
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How to deal with people FMIL keeps inviting but are unwanted...
My FMIL keeps inviting people that she has neither asked us if she could invite, nor we would want to invite. It is becoming very awkward for us. Some of them have already sent us gifts and I don't know how to handle this. We have told her that she needs to ask us about the people she would like to invite, but in the end it's our descsion. She continues to do this though. We are at our wits end!! It's not about having a small wedding, it's more about being surrounded by the people that know and support us the most and the people she's inviting just don't fit the bill. What else can we do?
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Re: How to deal with people FMIL keeps inviting but are unwanted...
Your FI says, "Mom we have asked you to stop inviting people on your own. You have kept doing it and now you have a problem. We are not going to have a seat or a meal for any of these people and they will be turned away at the door. You need to call and straighten his out now with every one you have invited OR you can be horribly embarrassed when they try to come to the wedding and are turned away."
I also recommend he insist on hearing the phone calls. I wish I could remember the circumstances way back but another bride had this problem and the groom made his mother call everyone while he sat there because he knew she wouldn't do it, thinking the couple would allow these people into the weddng.
I think it is time for some tough love with mom.
Your FI: "Mom, it is going to be very awkward for you when they don't receive an invitation. Our guest list is set, and ____ are not on it. It will be very awkward for both you and they if they show up and there is not a seat or meal for them. Call them now and explain that you were mistaken."
Where are you in the planning process? I can't tell from your post if you have your guest list finalized or if you're ready to mail out the invitations.
If it's early, here's what I'd do: Your fi should tell his that she mother is allowed X number of guests and she should give him the guest list by X date, complete with addresses and phone numbers. If she goes over her allotted number of guests, your fi will cut the list. There will be no additions to the list. There will be assigned seating at the wedding and anyone without an assigned seat (escort card) will be turned away at the door by an impartial banquet manager or bouncer.
Don't trust your FMIL with any invitations. Hide them in a safe place because we've heard of mothers stealing invitations or repurposing invitations that went to their homes We've also heard of mothers having their own invitations printed!!!!!
Good luck with all this. Your FMIL isn't going to be happy with 'the talk.'
So you'll have to budget for security or someone to do the turning away, because based on what you've posted about your FMIL, she's not going to stop inviting people and will take both any requirements from you that she has to do the uninviting of her extra guests and the possibility of their being turned away badly.
My advice: Make sure FI does stand up to her and that she understands the consequences of continuing to be difficult. Follow through. Then, accept that things will happen and you will still be married. So, don't let her ruin your happiness.
As far as guests who keep sending gifts or who may think that they're invited to the wedding, this is his mother's problem to fix. Your FI needs to be clear with her that it will be very embarrassing for her when she needs to explain to these people why they didn't get an invitation to the wedding.
also I would decline any offers that she gives you to throw a wedding shower.
1. They are significant others of adult guests you already plan on inviting (ei. If cousin Suzy is an adult, then you have to invite her boyfriend even if they've only been together for a month and/or you've never met him).
2. They were already invited (with your authorization) to a pre-wedding party like an engagement party or a shower. Anyone invited to a pre-wedding event needs to be invited to the wedding unless the pre-wedding party was a surprise and you had no pre-existing knowledge of the guest list. (ie if you knew neighbor Gertrude was going to be invited to your shower, you have to also invite her to the wedding).
3. They are under-18 children in families in which you are already
inviting some of the children (ie. If your cousin's little 5 year old
daughter Cindy is your flower girl, you also need to invite her 11 year
old brother, Bobby, to the wedding).
Outside of those, she's totally out of line. Let FI deal with it.