People are unbelievable jerks. This hurts

MadHops21 · March 2015

Thanks for all the responses, I really calmed down. I think my brother needs to read some of this, it's sucky but it shouldn't be on his mind, especially since the website itself said you can't refund or take money back, so it has to be a glitch somewhere.

Thanks all, I don't know if my brother talked to the person and told him "Hey, we had to take the money back" or something, but talking to him logically should help him emotionally. You guys rock.

RebeccaFlower · March 2015

lolo883 said:
I disagree that this shows they don't care. They must care to have tried to donate in the first place. You have NO IDEA what came up in these people's lives... for all you know their own kid was diagnosed with cancer too.

Try to focus on the donations and support that are left.

ETA another thought... I've never seen the option to rescind either... I wonder if their payment method bounced/was rejected. Insufficient funds or expired credit card. At any rate, I wouldn't assume the worst of these people.

Or what if they changed it to anonymous? I think you're judging this way too hard.

That said, I wish your nephew all the best.

LakeR2014 · March 2015

MadHops21 said:
Someone rescinded their donation to my nephew's gofundme page. He has AML (leukemia) and the bills are well over 100k, so SIL's sister started a page. Money is tight and this page is helpful.

My brother isn't hurt that he doesn't have the money anymore, it's the fact that someone took back their donation. That's the part that is pissing me off. The page isn't a checking account, depositing money so you can withdraw it later. We don't care about the dollar amount, and we know life happens (we sure know that), but it's the fact that you take back your support that shows us you don't really care. I believe that once you donate, you part with that money and don't expect to get it back. It just hurts this person did this.

Money can be made and worked for, but this action speaks more to me than the actual money.

@MadHops21 I'm sorry for your nephew my thoughts are with him and his family. As to the above it completely stinks but my first thought was not the above, it was one of the following occurrences, as I believe that money once donated can only be rescinded for one of two reasons:

1) GoFundMe as finally tried to process it and for one reason or another the amount to be tendered was declined.
2) (and heinous regardless) Is that the credit card used to make the rescinded donation was stolen and a fraudulent charge was applied to the account. Therefore, it was removed to correct another horrible instance.

Again either way does not help your nephew get better, but it does put a different spin on it and probably a more likely and helpful spin then someone removing their offer of donation for whatever their reason may have been.

MadHops21 · March 2015

LakeR2014 said:

MadHops21 said:
Someone rescinded their donation to my nephew's gofundme page. He has AML (leukemia) and the bills are well over 100k, so SIL's sister started a page. Money is tight and this page is helpful.

My brother isn't hurt that he doesn't have the money anymore, it's the fact that someone took back their donation. That's the part that is pissing me off. The page isn't a checking account, depositing money so you can withdraw it later. We don't care about the dollar amount, and we know life happens (we sure know that), but it's the fact that you take back your support that shows us you don't really care. I believe that once you donate, you part with that money and don't expect to get it back. It just hurts this person did this.

Money can be made and worked for, but this action speaks more to me than the actual money.
@MadHops21 I'm sorry for your nephew my thoughts are with him and his family. As to the above it completely stinks but my first thought was not the above, it was one of the following occurrences, as I believe that money once donated can only be rescinded for one of two reasons:

1) GoFundMe as finally tried to process it and for one reason or another the amount to be tendered was declined.
2) (and heinous regardless) Is that the credit card used to make the rescinded donation was stolen and a fraudulent charge was applied to the account. Therefore, it was removed to correct another horrible instance.

Again either way does not help your nephew get better, but it does put a different spin on it and probably a more likely and helpful spin then someone removing their offer of donation for whatever their reason may have been.

This definitely seems more plausible than someone just taking it back. And it doesn't seem possible to just take it back, since GFM says everything is final and there are no refunds after donating.

teddygirl9 · March 2015

Very weird, I didn't know you could do that. I personally don't like giving $ when using those sites, because they take a large cut (like 7% I think?) that I'd rather just give the person. I'm so sorry for your nephew, wishing for a speedy recovery.

morewineplease · March 2015

RebeccaFlower said:

lolo883 said:
I disagree that this shows they don't care. They must care to have tried to donate in the first place. You have NO IDEA what came up in these people's lives... for all you know their own kid was diagnosed with cancer too.

Try to focus on the donations and support that are left.

ETA another thought... I've never seen the option to rescind either... I wonder if their payment method bounced/was rejected. Insufficient funds or expired credit card. At any rate, I wouldn't assume the worst of these people.
Or what if they changed it to anonymous? I think you're judging this way too hard.

That said, I wish your nephew all the best.

This is what I was thinking. Did the total go down, or is there name and amount not listed anymore? Maybe they just did not want people to see their name.

jacques27 · March 2015

According to GoFundMe's page, the only way for someone to get their money back is for the person who is being funded to actually request for the refund to be processed. So, this tells me it could be one of a few potentially innocent scenarios:

1. They set up the fund as an "all or nothing" and then those donations aren't actually donations but rather pledges that don't get charged until the goal is actually met (and not charged at all if you don't meet the goal).

If this is the case, then perhaps the pending authorization dropped off and the credit card company canceled it altogether. Or their card was stolen and they had to cancel it and didn't think about the pending charge from three months ago (I probably would have forgotten all about it or assumed it had already been processed long ago rather than hanging out there so it wouldn't even occur to me to notify someone on something I did three months ago I thought was a done deal). Or maybe their card expired and the pending authorization is now failing because it's either a new card number (like a bank card) or a new expiration date and they didn't think to log back in and update it here (again, it's been three months). Or maybe if it wasn't authorized yet, they ran into financial difficulties of their own and called the bank to cancel it and they are too ashamed to admit it. Think about it - do you think people like to go around admitting they are in such bad financial shape that they had to cancel a donation to a child? Is that an easy conversation to have? Would it have been the stand-up thing to do? Sure, but I really can't really say I couldn't understand how someone could be too ashamed to admit to it because it can be humiliating. And honestly, this seems like the least likely of all of the scenarios.

2) Could they have set up a monthly donation (because you do have the option to pledge an amount every month instead of a one time lump sum) - and if that's the case then couldn't any one of the above scenarios have also happened where maybe when it came to this charge something happened?

3) GoFundMe is pretty sketch on giving detailed information about how things work exactly beyond "Yay, you get money" so I'm not sure if you can change your donation to private after the fact, but if that's an option, they could have done that. If SIL's sister set it up, then she is actually the fundholder and it would be private to everyone except her (meaning, if your brother is just going off what's displayed on the public page, he may not be getting all the information).

4) The third party processor couldn't verify the account. If it's a smaller bank, they may not have instant verify and maybe the person didn't comply with supplying the documentation to verify the account (I only briefly skimmed the WePay TOS regarding this).

5) Maybe they did a chargeback, but again it doesn't have to be malicious - maybe the card was stolen, a family member used it without their permission (is this someone they know - if it isn't, I could see a scenario where a kid gets a hold of a parents card, feels bad if they come across the page and wants to donate, and then the parent finds the charge and disputes it), or payment showed up under another company name they didn't recognize and they disputed it (I have honestly nearly done this several times when I couldn't recall spending that amount and the name that showed up on my statement was completely different than the business name I recognized it as).

I know it's hard to do, but you and your brother need to step back and not take this personally, especially with incomplete information. This got really long, but I hope you see that there are numerous reasons this could have happened and only a small fraction could be attributed to someone actually being malicious.

larrygaga · March 2015

I thought I was being a hardcore cold bitch when I originally thought you were overreacting, so I didn't post.

But I see that I'm not the only one. You don't know what is happening in his life either. I would not bring it up or have your brother bring it up. Just pretend like nothing happened. I'm sorry about your nephew, that's really sad and tragic! I hope the best for him. It's hard to see past your own suffering to see other's, but the donate-e might have something horrible going on in their own lives that they need the money for. Neither of your sufferings negates the other.

I am like 98% sure it wasn't a personal thing. Only a really evil person would do that, and I doubt someone that evil would donate to begin with. Like PP's said, they must have cared to have originally donated.

Did you say how old your nephew is?

lurkergirl · March 2015

I don't believe OP's story. I don't trust any white rabbits on TK.

MadHops21 · March 2015

larrygaga said:
I thought I was being a hardcore cold bitch when I originally thought you were overreacting, so I didn't post.

But I see that I'm not the only one. You don't know what is happening in his life either. I would not bring it up or have your brother bring it up. Just pretend like nothing happened. I'm sorry about your nephew, that's really sad and tragic! I hope the best for him. It's hard to see past your own suffering to see other's, but the donate-e might have something horrible going on in their own lives that they need the money for. Neither of your sufferings negates the other.

I am like 98% sure it wasn't a personal thing. Only a really evil person would do that, and I doubt someone that evil would donate to begin with. Like PP's said, they must have cared to have originally donated.

Did you say how old your nephew is?

He's 4, turning 5 next month. It initially was a "Hey, why did they take it back?" thing to a "It must have been a site error or account error" thing. It's okay to be a bitch, I need a slap back to reality sometimes if I get too emotional. Just ask my FI. I'm all about over reacting until I calm down and actually think about it.

@l urkergirl Sorry you don't believe me.

I've posted about my nephew before if you are being serious, but I can't tell. I'm just a person on the internet, so I don't really care.

ChemFanatic25 · March 2015

MadHops21 said:
Thanks for all the responses, I really calmed down. I think my brother needs to read some of this, it's sucky but it shouldn't be on his mind, especially since the website itself said you can't refund or take money back, so it has to be a glitch somewhere.

Thanks all, I don't know if my brother talked to the person and told him "Hey, we had to take the money back" or something, but talking to him logically should help him emotionally. You guys rock.

Is it a good idea to talk to the donator (no longer donator)? I know that we say that if someone didn't give a gift, you don't confront them about that because it's rude, right? Also I feel that talking to the person would cause more stress. I mean what if the person truly had a legitimate reason for why they took the donation back. Now your brother would be putting them in a more stressful situation where they may have to explain and that just sounds uncomfortable and unnecessary.

I believe your brother just needs to focus on his son and other children and family. Just focus on that and don't worry about money that hasn't even been taken out of the account.

MadHops21 · March 2015

ChemFanatic25 said:

MadHops21 said:
Thanks for all the responses, I really calmed down. I think my brother needs to read some of this, it's sucky but it shouldn't be on his mind, especially since the website itself said you can't refund or take money back, so it has to be a glitch somewhere.

Thanks all, I don't know if my brother talked to the person and told him "Hey, we had to take the money back" or something, but talking to him logically should help him emotionally. You guys rock.

Is it a good idea to talk to the donator (no longer donator)? I know that we say that if someone didn't give a gift, you don't confront them about that because it's rude, right? Also I feel that talking to the person would cause more stress. I mean what if the person truly had a legitimate reason for why they took the donation back. Now your brother would be putting them in a more stressful situation where they may have to explain and that just sounds uncomfortable and unnecessary.

I believe your brother just needs to focus on his son and other children and family. Just focus on that and don't worry about money that hasn't even been taken out of the account.

That's the plan, I'm not going to ask because I don't care for the reason. It just sucked to see that originally, but I understand life happens and I don't want to pressure the donator into telling me their story if they don't want. I will just believe that they have a good reason and don't want to cause any trouble. I've accepted it and have moved on, I just want my brother to do the same and focus on the his son.

People are unbelievable jerks. This hurts

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