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Question about a bar mitzvah

climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
in Chit Chat
We're invited to my H's step-sister's son's bar mitzvah. For a little background, my MIL married step-sister's father when H and step-sister were adults. They did not grow up together. We're not super close with them, but my MIL is. (Step-sister's father passed away a few years ago). 

We received the invite yesterday. The services are at their temple on Saturday as expected. But the party is the day after, Sunday. Any bar/bat mitzvah I've attended had all of this on one day. So on Saturday we're expected to be at temple from 9am to 1pm. And then Sunday, the party is 12pm to 5pm. Do we really have to attend both? Is it OK to skip temple and just go to the party? 


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Re: Question about a bar mitzvah

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I have never been to a bar mitzvah, but I will compare this to someone who is having their wedding ceremony on Saturday but the party on Sunday.  I think it is rude to take up an entire weekend for one event.  So I would go on which ever day works best for you.

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, when we were kids we dreaded the temple service.  For my sister it was cuz she sucked at reading from the Torah. For me, I was terrified of speaking in front of all those people (which is funny cuz now I love public speaking). We had no idea who was or was not in attendance for the service. What mattered to us was the party. 

    I doubt the kid will notice or care if you skip the service and show up for the party. I'm sure that's a horrible, blasphemous thing to say, but let's be real here. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 

    So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2015
    climbingwife said:

    @novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 


    So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 
    My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

    To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

    I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

    ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    novella1186 said:

    climbingwife said:

    @novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 


    So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 
    My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

    To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

    I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

    ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 
    Can you tell by the temple what sect? 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015

    I'm not Jewish so apologies if this is actually offensive, but I would also treat this like a wedding if they had their ceremony and receptions on different days. I would probably only go to one event, because IMO it's unreasonable and rude to ask that much time of people/wait that long to host people.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    climbingwife said:

    novella1186 said:

    climbingwife said:

    @novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 


    So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 
    My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

    To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

    I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

    ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 
    Can you tell by the temple what sect? 
    They might mention something about it on their website (our temple has a site and mentions Reform) but other than that... I have no idea 
    image
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    novella1186 said:

    climbingwife said:

    novella1186 said:

    climbingwife said:

    @novella1186 I was hoping you'd weigh in! 


    So it's good that Sam won't notice. But what about Sam's parents? Do you think they'll take offense? 
    My parents HATED going to temple. They knew it was long and boring. They did not take offense that other people didn't want to sit through that. 

    To just come to the party for celebrating and congratulating their kid was awesome. 

    I can't say everyone has the same mindset, but I also can't remember a single member of our temple who DIDN'T acknowledge how boring it was to sit through a long service. 

    ETA: I also think it depends on the sect they belong to. We were liberal Reform Jews, so the bat mitzvah was more for tradition than religion. Stricter Jews probably care far more about the sanctity of the ceremony, and it's more about that than the party. So there's that... 
    Can you tell by the temple what sect? 
    They might mention something about it on their website (our temple has a site and mentions Reform) but other than that... I have no idea 
    Ok, thanks!! 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I would probably go to both if I thought people would be offended by me skipping the service. 

    But most of the Jewish families I'm friends with roll their eyes about how boring it is and joke about how they would skip it if Grandma wouldn't notice. Know your crowd on that, I think. 

    If you decide to skip it, I'd just let the parents know in advance that you have a conflict but will be there Sunday. If they're anything like the people I know, they'd be cool about it and just say "see you Sunday!"
    *********************************************************************************

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    For what it's worth, my Jewish grandma wrote in her will that we were forbidden to give her a funeral service because it would be too boring. 
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  • dcbride86dcbride86 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    I've never heard of this, and I probably went to a bar/bat mitzvah every weekend during the 7th grade.  Most bar/bat mitzvahs had gaps so the parties would be at night (and so Shabbat would be over so you could use electricity and stuff), but they were all on the same day.

    My mom did get annoyed that some people only went to the party, but I certainly didn't care.  And with them being on different days, I think you could probably get a pass on going to both.  But I would also let H make this call, or ask his mother a question that kind of dances around it to feel out whether they expect everyone to go to both.

    <a href="Wedding Countdown Ticker'>http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Free Wedding Vows">

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  • lacqueredloverlacqueredlover member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    My service was on a Friday night and my reception was Saturday night.

    I would go to both because it's a (sort of) family connection, annoying as it might be.
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