NWR: The "I am not a taxi service" rant.

missdelilah · March 2015

Just. So. Frustrated!

Alright, we knew when we moved out to Vegas that the public transport in the suburbs wasn't good, but DH was all assuring that he was going to use it. Now it's just been him waking me up at ridiculous times (why is he not jet lagged and recovering from two weeks of almost no sleep? Oh, right, it was just me who got no sleep because DH can sleep through his "I'm a slowly dying moose that it's been hit by a semi" style snoring) and demanding that I drive him around to get all the licenses he needs to start work.

Well, good thing that he drank too much on Thursday and we couldn't do it Friday, because he figured going to get his health and alcohol service certificates when he was hung over (and I'd been counting my drinks all night so that I would be able to drive him, I just didn't feel like getting up at 8am, or as my body assumes it is, 2am, and driving). It turns out that one of locations he wanted to go to was freaking closed, as in, no longer there, and it would have been a wasted trip anyway!

So, I get woken up again today. "Honey, did you even look at public transport options?" "No, why can't you just drive?" "Because I'm not a bloody taxi service and we talked about this before we moved."

I'm sorry, it's the stupidest thing to be all upset about because I know a lot of you have actual problems, but I really need to get the house unpacked so that I can get back to work and start making some money. Also, I'm not a bloody taxi service and we'd discussed this before we moved. At least he's getting a job with a friend who lives close by, so I won't have to drive him in to town for work all the time. Am I being super childish? Probably. But I hate just sitting around this house that's still full of boxes, and not having my machine set up, and not being able to do anything useful except unpack, and not being able to take clients on.

I'm really hoping he gets his license sorted out soon. I get why he doesn't have one; you don't actually need one in Boston, particularly where he was living before we moved in together. He seriously needs to get on this one though.

End rant. And again, sorry to those of you who have real problems.

jenajjthr · March 2015

Silly question since I don't know you...why doesn't he drive himself or the person he is going to be working with carpool together and get it done at the same time?

lyndausvi · March 2015

jenajjthr said:
Silly question since I don't know you...why doesn't he drive himself or the person he is going to be working with carpool together and get it done at the same time?

If I remember correctly he doesn't have a license. For some reason I think he never has, but he might have just let is lapse.

I would hate to be a taxi driver. DH and I share a car. I get annoyed having to go and back pick him even though I'm the one who needed the car so he wasn't able to drive himself.

That all said, I'm not sure why him driving is causing you not to be able to unpack boxes. I have a lot of shit. I'm 90% unpacked by the first weekend I live in a place. That is even with me working, running errands, etc.

If remember correctly you drove out to Vegas. I can't imagine you have that much stuff to unpack. ::shrugs::

I don't know anything about public transportation in Vegas. Did you find a place on a bus route? I would be nice enough to drop his ass off somewhere. Then picking him up a few hours later. No way I'm waiting around for his ass. I have shit to do.

On another note, I don't mind helping a friend out, but no way do I want to be considered a taxi service for them to get to/from work either. He needs to figure out this without relying on people who have lives of their own.

missdelilah · March 2015

jenajjthr Not a silly question. He just let it lapse for ten years, and has to go get a new one. I have to go get a U.S. license anyway, so we can do that together. Unfortunately he can't carpool for the licenses, as all his friends already have them.

@lyndasuvi We actually have a ridiculous amount of stuff to unpack (a lot of it is business stuff) and I have a giant machine I need to set up. Obviously if I'm driving him everywhere, neither of us is there is to unpack anything. I should have said that at least if I were here alone I could unpack and he can just deal with where I put things, I need physical help putting the machine together, and despite promising several times on the flight here that he'd get right on it, he's yet to bring it up. My area tech is actually Utah and won't be here for another week and a half, so maybe I'll just have to wait and pay her to do it. It's just twelve feet long, so it's too much for me to do alone. Also, I'm a little worried about the 150 lb machine head. I just don't see it being a good idea for me to lift that on my own since the elbow incident and considering I currently have a completely crushed finger. I'm 95% sure I could have done this on my own before the complete elbow dislocation. Sure, it was a couple of years ago, but it just tends to lock up now, or occasionally act of its own accord.

If he would figure out the bus route, I'd help him out, but he can't even figure out where these things are. Honestly, I get the opinion he's just being lazy.

At the moment (or in the last hour), I've been chatting to you guys, making a shopping list, listing the new furniture we need to buy, organizing to take my sewing machine in for a service, and unpacking boxes. DH has been firmly lodged on the couch, and removed about two things from a box. Is it really necessary to watch reruns of John Oliver at this point? I think I'm just frustrated about a lot of things but the taxi service thing was the worst. And the problem is that I do have to hang around for him. I would be open to dropping him off, but because it's all licensing stuff, we have no idea how long any of it will take. Like, it might take three hours, or it could take ten minutes.

Sigh. I'm sure DH has a whole list of moving related issues that he's pissed off with me about. Although I don't think paying the unreliable moving company upfront really counts. They had really good reviews. DH thinks they would have behaved better if they were waiting on money. I figured that they'd appreciate the upfront payment and do the move properly because companies like upfront payments and repeat customers.

Like I said, not real issues, but just totally bugging me.

lyndausvi · March 2015

It look me about 3 seconds to goggle Vegas public transportation to get the route schedule. Your DH is being very lazy.

missdelilah · March 2015

lyndausvi said:
It look me about 3 seconds to goggle Vegas public transportation to get the route schedule. Your DH is being very lazy.

Thank you. At least I feel like I'm not being crazy now.

Dreamergirl8812 · March 2015

That would annoy the crap out of me. Male laziness is seriously unattractive to me and I have 0 patience.

However, if I were you I would have put a stop to that shit pretty quickly. I just asked DH what would happen if he woke me up in the mornings to drive him around. He just laughed and laughed...

paperpusher · March 2015

He sounds like he's being lazy.
I think if I had to chauffeur H around all the time with no thought as to what was on my todo list we would be having a serious talk.

I'm not familiar with Nevada requirements to get a driving license, but in NY it's not that difficult. Go to the DMV, take a written test, they give you the results when you're finished and you're issued a permit if you passed, depending on your age you can schedule the driving portion and as soon as you've taken the driving test and passed you're issued the driving license.
I didn't get mine until I was 21, but whenever I needed to go somewhere I would take the public bus, walk or wait until someone was going in that direction and I would ask if I could go too.

sophhabobopha · March 2015

That would annoy the fuck out of me. Fi's the same way, he can't look shit up for himself. Ugh

missdelilah · March 2015

Thanks for your input ladies.

It's never been a problem before. I guess I'll do it for the licenses, but I've made it clear that I'm not driving him to and from work (particularly because he's likely to end up with a schedule that's all over the place and I do a lot better when I have a pretty regular sleep cycle) and we have some neighbors who work around there, so it's either them or the bus.

I don't think that getting a license here is that tough. It sounds very similar to NY. I just have no idea what the road rules are (it's impossible to pick them up just by driving) so it's likely to be interesting for me. I can at least get a one year permit based on my Australian license. I imagine DH getting his will be easier, as road rules tend to be similar across states, but very different across countries. The problem was that even in Boston I had no idea what the rules are. If there are rules, everyone ignores them. It's pretty free for all over there, and it's clear that about 5% of drivers here pay attention to the speed limits.

ohmrs2014 · March 2015

DH doesn't have a license either, though he's working on, especially since we are going to start TTC. Let me tell you, the test is not easy. I took a practice one online and failed miserably LOL. But we also live in Hudson County in NJ, one of the places where needing one is not necessary. With all of the public transportation options being so close to NYC, he's good.

On his regular time days, his dad actually picks him up because he works in Hoboken, 10 minutes from his dads house and his mom works 10 minutes from our house so he will just grab him and bring him to work before he goes back home. On his early days, if the light rail isn't running, he takes an Uber, unless its a crazy start time and he can't get an Uber, I will drive him.

Its not hard to google. I would be annoyed as well.

jacques27 · March 2015

missdelilah said:
Thanks for your input ladies.

It's never been a problem before. I guess I'll do it for the licenses, but I've made it clear that I'm not driving him to and from work (particularly because he's likely to end up with a schedule that's all over the place and I do a lot better when I have a pretty regular sleep cycle) and we have some neighbors who work around there, so it's either them or the bus.

I don't think that getting a license here is that tough. It sounds very similar to NY. I just have no idea what the road rules are (it's impossible to pick them up just by driving) so it's likely to be interesting for me. I can at least get a one year permit based on my Australian license. I imagine DH getting his will be easier, as road rules tend to be similar across states, but very different across countries. The problem was that even in Boston I had no idea what the rules are. If there are rules, everyone ignores them. It's pretty free for all over there, and it's clear that about 5% of drivers here pay attention to the speed limits.

For both of you, every state puts out a manual of the rules. They give it to you when you're 15 taking drivers' education and you use it to study for the written test (because it will be multiple choice questions like "You are required to park at least _______ feet from a stop sign" and then they give you a list of options - that's not stuff you're going to know intuitively unless it's exactly the same where you come from). It was a three second google search. I plugged in Nevada drivers ed manual and it was the first link that came up once you ignore the ones that are "ads" (the official NV website is dmvnv.com).

I suggest he get started studying. You, too...eventually.

STARMOON44 · March 2015

Nearly every teenager in the country manages to learn the rules of the road with like 5 hours of semi-committed studying.

I don't really understand why the priority wouldn't be on getting him set to work versus unpacking. And honestly it sounds like you're being a bit precious about all this too. Like if you need this giant machine set up, turn off the TV and say "yo, I spent all morning chauffeuring you around now it's time to set up my machine." Listing the furniture you need to buy can wait.

lurkergirl · March 2015

Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.

lyndausvi · March 2015

lurkergirl said:
Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.

He needs some sort of license(s) for his job. That is what she has been driving him around.

The driver's license is separate.

lurkergirl · March 2015

lyndausvi said:

show previous quotes
lurkergirl said:
Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.
He needs some sort of license(s) for his job. That is what she has been driving him around.

The driver's license is separate.

I understand that he needs multiple licenses, but I don't understand why she can't get him the driver's license and then let him get the other ones himself.

ETA: This magically posted while I was still typing. I would also be frustrated!

lyndausvi · March 2015

lurkergirl said:

show previous quotes
lyndausvi said:

lurkergirl said:
Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.
He needs some sort of license(s) for his job. That is what she has been driving him around.

The driver's license is separate.

I understand that he needs multiple licenses, but I don't understand why she can't get him the driver's license and then let him get the other ones himself.

ETA: This magically posted while I was still typing. I would also be frustrated!

If he hasn't had a license in 10 years he might not be able to get on the same day. Some states would require him to get a permit. I'm not sure the process of the other licenses either. They also might not be able to be gotten in one day.

However, that does not answer the question on why the driver's license process hasn't at least started? I would be way more helpful knowing the process has started. Knowing it is a short term thing.

Him sitting on his ass doing nothing then waking me up or whatever and EXPECTING me to drive his ass around. Fuck no.

paperpusher · March 2015

I agree with @jacques27 every state puts out a manual. It can be read cover to cover easily. Sure it's boring as shit, but it contains everything you need to know for both the written and driving portion. It might even contain a sample test.

I had to take it twice because I let my permit expire (if you get it at 16 in NY it's only good until you turn 21) and I received a near perfect score both times. I think the first one I missed 2 and the second I missed 1.

The driving portion was more nerve racking because some strange old person was sitting in my car with me alone. I failed the first time, but he gave me tips and corrected what I did wrong and I passed with flying colors the second time. The second instructor said I was the best test he had ever seen and we even had a bee fly into the car during.

I'm betting you that if the test were to be reissued to all who currently hold a license a good portion would fail.

If you're really concerned the driving rules for NV vs. Australia are too different I'm sure they offer a driving education course for the public.

Fran1985 · March 2015

lyndausvi said:

show previous quotes
lurkergirl said:

lyndausvi said:

lurkergirl said:
Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.
He needs some sort of license(s) for his job. That is what she has been driving him around.

The driver's license is separate.

I understand that he needs multiple licenses, but I don't understand why she can't get him the driver's license and then let him get the other ones himself.

ETA: This magically posted while I was still typing. I would also be frustrated!
If he hasn't had a license in 10 years he might not be able to get on the same day. Some states would require him to get a permit. I'm not sure the process of the other licenses either. They also might not be able to be gotten in one day.

However, that does not answer the question on why the driver's license process hasn't at least started? I would be way more helpful knowing the process has started. Knowing it is a short term thing.

Him sitting on his ass doing nothing then waking me up or whatever and EXPECTING me to drive his ass around. Fuck no.

Also how about him getting to wasted on Thursday to go on Friday when OP was counting her drinks so she can drive him? Everything about this gets a hell no from me.

Of course I would drive my DH to help him get his stuff ready but it would be on a set schedule for the things he needed me to do. The fact that he can't look up public transportation, can't figure out when stuff is open or not and seems to be waking OP to drive him on a whim would get a huge hell no from me. Honestly he seems incredibly lazy and entitled.

lyndausvi · March 2015

lurkergirl said:

lyndausvi said:

lurkergirl said:
Yeah I don't understand you needing to get him licenses in the plural sense. Take him to get the driving one (hell, why don't y'all do it at the same time?), then he can do his own thing. If a bunch of 16 year olds can do it, so can you.

And yes, some things vary between states, but lots of driving rules are universal. Follow what signs say, use your blinkers and headlights, follow speed limits...it's not rocket science.
He needs some sort of license(s) for his job. That is what she has been driving him around.

The driver's license is separate.

I understand that he needs multiple licenses, but I don't understand why she can't get him the driver's license and then let him get the other ones himself.

ETA: This magically posted while I was still typing. I would also be frustrated!
If he hasn't had a license in 10 years he might not be able to get on the same day. Some states would require him to get a permit. I'm not sure the process of the other licenses either. They also might not be able to be gotten in one day.

However, that does not answer the question on why the driver's license process hasn't at least started? I would be way more helpful knowing the process has started. Knowing it is a short term thing.

Him sitting on his ass doing nothing then waking me up or whatever and EXPECTING me to drive his ass around. Fuck no.

Also how about him getting to wasted on Thursday to go on Friday when OP was counting her drinks so she can drive him? Everything about this gets a hell no from me.

Of course I would drive my DH to help him get his stuff ready but it would be on a set schedule for the things he needed me to do. The fact that he can't look up public transportation, can't figure out when stuff is open or not and seems to be waking OP to drive him on a whim would get a huge hell no from me. Honestly he seems incredibly lazy and entitled.

Meh, DH and I take turns who is the DD. So the one driving does count their own drinks. Kind-of goes with the territory.

Of course, the difference is we take turns. Plus if the DD wants to go home, we go home. Or at least the driver goes home. I've left DH's ass at a bar before. He is an adult and can figure out how to get home via public transportation.

I have also voluntarily gone and picked DH from a bar. On Mardi Gras DH and his friend went to some parades and parties via the bus. They knew they were going to drink and didn't want to drive. Good for them. They were going to take the bus home. DH called me to say he was heading to the bus stop and the friend was really drunk. I just told him to stay and I would come get them (20 mins away). I felt better if I picked them up then them riding the bus. The friend's house is fairly far from the bus stop, so I was a little concerned for his own safety.

But again, this was MY choice. DH doesn't have a sense of entailment that I'm suppose to be at his beck-and-call. I'm NOT a chauffeur.

But yeah, the rest of the stuff has me saying "fuck no". I've moved enough in my lifetime. I can appreciate having to run a lot of errands when you first move to a new state. I can appreciate there are some professional certificates one needs to get in order to work. With him not having a license I'm okay helping out.

What I don't have time for is lazy, entitled people who except other people to do everything for them though. Helping goes both ways. You want me to drive you to 'x' place? Fine, when we are done you are helping me unpack, set up the machine, etc.

The person who is asking for the ride sure as hell better try to make my life not inconvenienced as much as possible.

Fran1985 · March 2015

lyndausvi the difference here is she wasn't drinking that much so she could drive him the next day (Friday) not that night. (I think) And then he blew the whole thing off on Friday because he was hungover. It read to me like they both agreed not to drink a ton so they could do what they needed to on Friday, and he completely ignored that when HE is the one that needs to go.

But yeah I completely agree- I would absolutely help my husband or even a friend with some rides. But amen to the fact that if I am helping the other person better be doing everything to make it easier. (confirming that they are open, mapping out the order we are going to go, having set times so that I can schedule the rest of the day, and then spending part of the rest of your day helping me with my stuff)

missdelilah · March 2015

jacques27 said:

show previous quotes
missdelilah said:
Thanks for your input ladies.

It's never been a problem before. I guess I'll do it for the licenses, but I've made it clear that I'm not driving him to and from work (particularly because he's likely to end up with a schedule that's all over the place and I do a lot better when I have a pretty regular sleep cycle) and we have some neighbors who work around there, so it's either them or the bus.

I don't think that getting a license here is that tough. It sounds very similar to NY. I just have no idea what the road rules are (it's impossible to pick them up just by driving) so it's likely to be interesting for me. I can at least get a one year permit based on my Australian license. I imagine DH getting his will be easier, as road rules tend to be similar across states, but very different across countries. The problem was that even in Boston I had no idea what the rules are. If there are rules, everyone ignores them. It's pretty free for all over there, and it's clear that about 5% of drivers here pay attention to the speed limits.
For both of you, every state puts out a manual of the rules. They give it to you when you're 15 taking drivers' education and you use it to study for the written test (because it will be multiple choice questions like "You are required to park at least _______ feet from a stop sign" and then they give you a list of options - that's not stuff you're going to know intuitively unless it's exactly the same where you come from). It was a three second google search. I plugged in Nevada drivers ed manual and it was the first link that came up once you ignore the ones that are "ads" (the official NV website is dmvnv.com).

I suggest he get started studying. You, too...eventually.

Thank you. I do know that there's a drivers' manual that's really easy to download. That part was more a joke we had with some friends in Boston about driving in Massachusetts - I should have made that more clear. I've read the Mass one, which is kind of useless now that we've moved, and I'll get around the NV manual this week. DH is pretty sure he doesn't need to look at it though, which kind of annoys me. And I think they're just difficult for me to learn because everything is in different measurements than I'm used to. You'd think after five years here I'd understand feet, but it just doesn't click with me, so for me, it's matter of memorizing everything, not just making a best guess, like DH can do.

missdelilah · March 2015

@ohmrs2014 It sounds like you have a reasonably workable situation going on with your DH. Even if he drove to work, would he have anywhere to park? That was the problem in Boston.

@lurkergirl He wants the service licenses first, because he those neighbors to carpool with he's not totally fussed about the D/L, which is frustrating. But yes, I would happily take him to get his D/L. It was just frustrating when he told me on the plane on the way home that I had to take him to get his servers licenses.

@lyndasuvi Nothing's really happened yet, because we were here for about four days before we left for Australia. DH is of the opinion that he has to go back to MI to get a license because it's been lapsed for so long. I don't know why it's impossible to call the DMV or whatever it's called in this state and ask. I wonder if part of it is kind of that he doesn't want the license until he can afford his own car; it's just a ridiculous pride thing on his part. And I'm sure with his height that driving my Focus isn't super comfortable for him anyway. But I'll nudge him a lot this week and make sure he knows how he has to go about getting one.

And it was kind of all those things. The complete failure to plan, then drinking so much that he was too hungover to go to any of the agencies anyway.

He did redeem himself somewhat last night, as he unpacked a lot of the kitchen while I was online replacing all the stuff the movers broke. And it was a LOT of stuff. Also, buying all those annoying things one needs when they move to a larger home, like trash cans, and toilet brushes. It wasn't a fun night for either of us, but at least he was helpful. Not super excited to wake up today to find that he drank all of what he'd bought for himself last night then finished off the half bottle of wine I was going to cook with today. Sigh. I know the drinking will sort itself out somewhat when he goes back to work at least, and if it doesn't, I'll be dragging him down to ALANON or something (I have a feeling dumping him in AA won't work, but at least the latter we can both go to).

@paperpusher I'm really worried about the actual driving test. I shouldn't be. I'm totally proficient at driving on this side of the road, but I do occasionally open the car, sit down in the passenger's seat, and get confused. I'm not sure that I'm entirely there on the confidence part yet.

At least NV looks like it will give me a temporary permit (I'll still have to take the tests at some point) based on my Australian license.

@Fran1985 This is exactly the problem. I would have been completely open to getting drunk with my friends on Thursday, but I didn't because I knew I had stuff on the next day. DH is under the impression that he doesn't get hangovers, which is often true, and I kind of hate him for that, but I would have thought he'd be a little more responsible given the situation.

And there's also the issue I have where I'm still super jet lagged, and I don't feel like it's safe for me to drive a lot of the time because I'm really tired and it's all freeway here. For some reason I find this a very difficult concept to explain to other people. Sure, I have driven when I was extremely tired, but when I do, I'm always grateful that I got from point A to point B in one piece. I never know why people don't understand that. Does it sound like I'm being a real whiner now? I just figure that when I'm operating machinery that has the capacity to kill or severely and permanently injure others, I really need to be on my A game for it.

Thanks all for your input. I'm hoping I'll get my NV license sorted soon, and hopefully DH will be sober tomorrow and we can get his work licenses done.

ohmrs2014 · March 2015

@missdelilah not he wouldn't have anywhere to park. His boss parks in the office garage and one of the associates rents a spot from someone in a garage. He would have to move the car every 4 hours if he is on residential or pay a meter every 2 hours and hope he isn't late where he gets a ticket or a boot. One of the other associates gets parking tickets nonstop for being late to the meter. DH having his license would just be an added bonus at this point so that I don't have to drive everywhere LOL. But it doesn't bother me because I'm neurotic when it comes to my car LOL.

missdelilah · March 2015

@ohmrs2014 that's the issue in a lot of big cities. I know it costs about $60 to over $100 a day to park in Sydney city if you don't have an allocated spot (depending on which garage you use); it's really not worth it unless you work really far out and have to pay for taxis (the public transport has improved, but there are still a lot of places it doesn't get to). Everyone keeps talking about Uber. I should probably give them a try. I just remember downloading the app, waiting for an hour for one once, and giving up on it pretty promptly.

And totally understand re the car. I'm not sure I'd really DH driving mine anyway, but at least it's insured.

climbingsingle · March 2015

Wait, I'm confused. Are you concerned about his drinking? If you think he has a problem, getting help for that problem is not as easy as "dumping" him in a meeting.

buttercup1958 · March 2015

climbingwife said:
Wait, I'm confused. Are you concerned about his drinking? If you think he has a problem, getting help for that problem is not as easy as "dumping" him in a meeting.

Yeah not to go all red flag crazy on you but that amount of drinking would concern me. I don't think work will cause him to drink less either. Has he always drank that much? I know everyone's relationship is different so I may be thinking about my relationship.

V and I drink maybe one to two drinks every so often. And if its a big margarita we usually share it. So to me, your H is drinking A Lot over a short period of time. You may want to talk to him about that, if its bothering you/ starting to escalate a little bit. But if it doesn't phase you, ignore me. I hope it works out!

missdelilah · March 2015

@climbingwife and @buttercup1958

DH tends to drink a lot when he's in holiday mode, and it's obvious to me that he still thinks he is. It doesn't worry me except when it causes him to not be able to do the things he needs to (like Friday). I think I come from a culture where drinking a lot is generally accepted, and so long as people aren't doing anything dangerous or stupid, you find a way of dealing with it. If it keeps up after he goes back to work I'll definitely take him to one of those meetings we can go to together. Obviously I can't just dump him on his own. I know there have been times that my drinking has caused issues for him, so it's a two way street. I'm just going to make sure there's not a lot of alcohol in the house tonight (I think there's a half bottle of Pimms) and there will be what's left of the wine after I cook and have a glass or two. If he pulls that Friday shit again I'll definitely be sitting down with him and having a chat.

Thank you both for your concern. I'm definitely watching it, and if it escalates I'll be looking in to therapy options.

buttercup1958 · March 2015

missdelilah I can see how being in "holiday mode" can cause your H to drink a little more. After a big exam or a long day, V and I usually go to a restaurant and order a cocktail. So I understand that! Plus I guess from my experiences most people ( including my family) can't handle their booze. So that is affecting my advice as well, because to be honest a lot of people do dangerous/stupid things while drunk in my life.

Also it kinda bothers me that you have to make sure there isn't a lot of alcoholic drinks in the house. I feel like you shouldn't even have to think of that. I also think its good that you realize that you have done similar things. I think if/when you do talk to him mention that so he doesn't feel like he is being attacked. I really hope it gets better.

Fran1985 · March 2015

Not to make light of it since its just a serious issue- but after your OP I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the fact that he wouldn't even go to a meeting on his own and would need to go to one with you. I hate to be yelling red flags but between this OP, the one where you were supporting him but he was spending through his money, the one where he straight up moped because he didn't like your hair cut, and then now you are planning on hiding the alcohol in the house, I think you guys could benefit from some counseling. I honestly would not be able to deal with someone like him I don't know how you do it without pulling your hair out.

missdelilah · March 2015

Thank you @buttercup1958. I do feel like I'm in a bit of a babysitter mode at the moment, but as I said, that should get better once DH starts work. We've both agreed that we're going to start taking our health more seriously once we get organized here, so it's a matter of seeing whether we can both stick to it. At this point, I'm more worried about his long term health than the short term effects.

@Fran1985 I think you guys get a lot of the ranting, and I don't tend to say much about the nice things, because I've always hated people who were gushy about their relationships, but this seems like the place where a lot of people come to get things off their chests.

I am hoping to find a counsellor here. I think most couples have a lot of issues, particularly when they've been together for a long time. It's just been tough because I took him to a couple in Boston and he felt like they were very much "on my side" and against him. Maybe if I take him to a man this time (which would make me slightly less comfortable, but I'm sure I could deal with it) it may make him a little more open to the process. It's just a matter of trying to get our insurance sorted out, and then what it will cover.

I think I partly end up complaining so much because I get frustrated very easily, and DH has a way of making me feel like I'm being unreasonable (there are some childhood issues right there). I really didn't think it was too much to ask that if he wanted me to do something for him, he did the research, and then was in a reasonable state to show up and do what he needed to do, but of course he had a different interpretation of things, which pretty much amounted to me not being supportive enough. If I had any sense I'd know he was just doing that to cover for himself, but unfortunately I'm always second guessing myself. I think there's a lot of work I need to do that doesn't necessarily involve him much, but there are a ton of things he needs to have addressed professionally if he doesn't sort himself out once he starts working.

Thank you both again for your concern. I do appreciate it.

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