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Trying to "compromise," but still want a surprise

emilybee12emilybee12 member
First Comment
in Wedding 911
So while I am looking forward to a great big reception, the first and probably last time our families will be together, I really wanted a ceremony. To me, that IS the wedding. However, due to our different faiths, we decided we wanted to have an interfaith ceremony. Both of us were really, really excited about it, actually. Long story short, his family refused to attend if we did, so "we" decided, much to my extreme disappointment, to nix the ceremony and get married by a judge in private, and later have the big reception. (We didn't get married yet). 

Anyways,  so we are just having a formal reception. I still want there to be that "surprise," like, when my fiance sees me the first time in my dress. I won't be coming down any aisle, so I am upset about that. But perhaps there's still something we can do? I thought about having him wait on the dance floor, and then I enter, with my brother essentially "giving me away" even though we'll already be married. Then we just have our first dance. But logistically, I don't really understand how it will work. 

For example, how will we take pics? We had planned on it during cocktail hour, after the ceremony. I am still willing to have a cocktail hour, of course, but then obviously my fiance and I will have to see each other before the big dance. Is there another way to have a surprise introduction? To make it somewhat meaningful?

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Re: Trying to "compromise," but still want a surprise

  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    emilybee12 said:

    So while I am looking forward to a great big reception, the first and probably last time our families will be together, I really wanted a ceremony. To me, that IS the wedding. However, due to our different faiths, we decided we wanted to have an interfaith ceremony. Both of us were really, really excited about it, actually. Long story short, his family refused to attend if we did, so "we" decided, much to my extreme disappointment, to nix the ceremony and get married by a judge in private, and later have the big reception. (We didn't get married yet). 


    Anyways,  so we are just having a formal reception. I still want there to be that "surprise," like, when my fiance sees me the first time in my dress. I won't be coming down any aisle, so I am upset about that. But perhaps there's still something we can do? I thought about having him wait on the dance floor, and then I enter, with my brother essentially "giving me away" even though we'll already be married. Then we just have our first dance. But logistically, I don't really understand how it will work. 

    For example, how will we take pics? We had planned on it during cocktail hour, after the ceremony. I am still willing to have a cocktail hour, of course, but then obviously my fiance and I will have to see each other before the big dance. Is there another way to have a surprise introduction? To make it somewhat meaningful?




    I don't get it. You want a reception without a ceremony?
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    emilybee12 said:

    So while I am looking forward to a great big reception, the first and probably last time our families will be together, I really wanted a ceremony. To me, that IS the wedding. However, due to our different faiths, we decided we wanted to have an interfaith ceremony. Both of us were really, really excited about it, actually. Long story short, his family refused to attend if we did, so "we" decided, much to my extreme disappointment, to nix the ceremony and get married by a judge in private, and later have the big reception. (We didn't get married yet). 


    Anyways,  so we are just having a formal reception. I still want there to be that "surprise," like, when my fiance sees me the first time in my dress. I won't be coming down any aisle, so I am upset about that. But perhaps there's still something we can do? I thought about having him wait on the dance floor, and then I enter, with my brother essentially "giving me away" even though we'll already be married. Then we just have our first dance. But logistically, I don't really understand how it will work. 

    For example, how will we take pics? We had planned on it during cocktail hour, after the ceremony. I am still willing to have a cocktail hour, of course, but then obviously my fiance and I will have to see each other before the big dance. Is there another way to have a surprise introduction? To make it somewhat meaningful?

    I agree with @artbyallie.  The ceremony should, without a doubt, have NO interference from anyone!  I agree that it is the most significant part of the day.  Please reconsider succumbing to the ridiculous and inappropriate demands of your future in-laws.  This is how you and your FI are starting life together.  If you allow your in-laws to dictate that, my guess is they will continue to make demands of you throughout your lives.

    Plan your ceremony the way YOU and your FI see fit.  They do not need to know any details.  Send out invitations and let them make the decision as to whether they attend.  Put the burden of regret on them.  Do not start your lives together with regret!
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  • emilybee12emilybee12 member
    First Comment
    Normally I would totally agree with you guys, but more than 3/4 of the attendees are his family. To have (and pay for) a wedding for over 200 people, and only 40 people show up? That is even more upsetting. 
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  • thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm sorry but this whole thing is a huge red flag. There are such things as compromises but this is an extreme. Are you going to let his family dictate your relationship for the rest of your lives?

    Hypothetical, if you decide to have kids and want to baptize them, what will you do if they decide that they don't like that a want to not only boycott the baptism but any future events with the child?

    Religion is a personal thing and it sounded like your FI and you came up with something that worked for you. I maybe reading it wrong, but your FI needs to stand up for the both of you and they need to butt the hell out of it.
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  • rcher912rcher912 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Normally I would totally agree with you guys, but more than 3/4 of the attendees are his family. To have (and pay for) a wedding for over 200 people, and only 40 people show up? That is even more upsetting. 
    I hear you there, but that's what RSVPs and STDs are for. I say move forward and call their bluff - maybe plan a slightly smaller event than 200 people, and see what they really do.

    Even if some really are set in stone, I can't imagine everyone would decline on his side. And if so, I'm very, very sorry for you and your FI. That sucks. But it sounds like what  you two had planned is really meaningful to you both.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    emilybee12 said:

    Normally I would totally agree with you guys, but more than 3/4 of the attendees are his family. To have (and pay for) a wedding for over 200 people, and only 40 people show up? That is even more upsetting. 

    I would rather have a meaningful ceremony and share it with the 40 people who support me unconditionally.  You and your FI are setting the tone for the rest of your lives.  Do you want people in your lives who will constantly dictate your choices?  If there is not one person in your FI's family that is capable of an independent and non-judgmental thought, I am not sure why you would want such people in your lives.
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  • JasperandOpalJasperandOpal member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer First Comment
    This is when FI needs to say to his family "Emilybee and I are having an interfaith ceremony" and when his family says "Then we are not attending and no one from our side will attend either" he says "I am sorry that you will not be able to make it to the wedding."  Then you invite the people who will support the wedding you want, ceremony and all.

    That said, if you are dead set on your plan, you could have a "first look" with your FI prior to the reception, much like people do prior to the ceremony.  You both get ready separately and then prior to entering the reception venue, your photographer sets up a situation where you and your husband will see each other all dressed up for the first time. It won't be the same as when he sees you walk down the aisle for the first time, but it can be a truly magical moment and you can have a photographer present to capture the look on his face.  Then the two of you can enter the reception together.  Any other type of "surprise" will greatly depend on the shape/setup of the venue and I think will come off a little strange because your husband will have to already be in the venue with the guests and then there will have to be some sort of fan-fair to drawn attention to you as you enter- it kind of seems "My Super Sweet 16" ish to me. 

    I really want to reiterate though that you and your FI need to talk to each other, and he needs to talk to his family, about what you want in your wedding.  The tone of your post leads me to believe that you are really disappointed by the decisions being made.  Your marriage, your wedding, your ceremony, are about you and you FI.  You will be together, hopefully, for the rest of your lives.  If you can't address this issue, you will be in for a long uphill battle with your in-laws for the rest of your lives. 
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  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2015
    So you're going to allow his family to dictate your wedding ceremony, which will set a huge precedence for your marriage? 

    Can't see where this is going to go wrong.

    image
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Do not let his family dictate what kind of ceremony you're having. That's crazy. Seriously. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2015
    I'm just surprised they would attend THIS wedding "reception" at all.  They'll come if you're married in a non-religious private JOP ceremony, but not at an interfaith ceremony like you want?  That's ridiculous. 

    I would call their bluff like PPs mentioned, plan the wedding ceremony you want and reception you can afford.  If they refuse to come, that reflects poorly on them, not you.  
    ETF: grammar
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Casadena said:

    I'm just surprised they would attend THIS wedding "reception" at all.  They'll come if you're married in a non-religious private JOP ceremony, but not at an interfaith ceremony like you want?  That's ridiculous. 


    I would call their bluff like PPs mentioned, plan the wedding ceremony you want and reception you can afford.  If they refuse to come, that reflects poorly on them, not you.  
    ETF: grammar
    This is a very good point.  You still aren't having the wedding ceremony they agree with by going the JOP route so why would they be okay coming to this 'reception' and not one that includes a ceremony?

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  • emilybee12emilybee12 member
    First Comment
    In their culture, they don't have "public" ceremonies... only a meeting with a religious leader and the signing of papers. Then comes the reception...so the idea of a big ceremony is a little weird to them in the first place...which is probably why they don't see it as a big deal, or why I am upset. 

    My fiance has told me he will do whatever it is I want. I specifically asked him not to make a big deal about having the ceremony with his parents because I don't want to cause a rift in their tightly-knit family. I already feel like an outsider...I don't want it to look like I'm tearing the family apart. When they shut the idea down, I kind of just stayed quiet with them.

    We are both very big on interfaith, especially with our religions, and to us, it is a little...ironic? that a non-religious JOP is more acceptable than two religious figures...but that's besides the point. 

    In all, the venue we already booked (and put money down on) has a min of 150 guests...so for only 40-50 people to show would just be silly. Showing up for only the reception would just hurt my feelings more and my family would just be mad. Honestly, I really just want to keep the peace. I don't want to look back on this day and be upset. 

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    emilybee12 said:

    In their culture, they don't have "public" ceremonies... only a meeting with a religious leader and the signing of papers. Then comes the reception...so the idea of a big ceremony is a little weird to them in the first place...which is probably why they don't see it as a big deal, or why I am upset. 


    My fiance has told me he will do whatever it is I want. I specifically asked him not to make a big deal about having the ceremony with his parents because I don't want to cause a rift in their tightly-knit family. I already feel like an outsider...I don't want it to look like I'm tearing the family apart. When they shut the idea down, I kind of just stayed quiet with them.

    We are both very big on interfaith, especially with our religions, and to us, it is a little...ironic? that a non-religious JOP is more acceptable than two religious figures...but that's besides the point. 

    In all, the venue we already booked (and put money down on) has a min of 150 guests...so for only 40-50 people to show would just be silly. Showing up for only the reception would just hurt my feelings more and my family would just be mad. Honestly, I really just want to keep the peace. I don't want to look back on this day and be upset. 

    What exactly is your FI opinion on this?  How does he feel about how his family is reacting and basically dictating how you proceed with your wedding plans?  Has he stuck up for you and your feelings (and his feelings) on this at all?

    Sweetie you aren't compromising here.  You are rolling over and letting his family walk all over you.

    And what if you and your FI one day want to have a family?  Will you let them dictate how that child is to be raised?  What about when you want to buy a house?  Will you let them dictate where you can move to?  By allowing them to have control over your wedding because instead of just understanding that two different religions and backgrounds are coming together so that may mean a different type of ceremony, you are setting a precedence for future large decisions.

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  • emilybee12emilybee12 member
    First Comment
    My fiance wants the ceremony as much as I do. Like I said, both of us thought it would be really cool to have an interfaith ceremony. He told me he will let me decide. He's flexible. If I wanted to say screw it, let's elope, he'd have no problem with it. 

    The thing is, his parents really don't care about these types of things normally. I mean, we live together ("living in sin" etc.). He has a brother who is married to someone of a different faith, and the parents have no opinion on the way their children are raised, as far as religion goes (in fact, my fiance's brother has said he identifies as an atheist, to which his parents didn't mind. Most likely the children will grow up similarly). They haven't had any input on our wedding other than the ceremony. They know my fiance celebrates religious holidays with my family, and that this will continue even after we have kids, etc. etc. 

     To be honest, they don't even practice their faith much. It's more of a "How will it look in front of our other religious family members if they see you are being married by someone outside the faith?" Like they are embarrassed....but not actually against it. Funny, in a way, the search for these two religious officiants was quite difficult, and nearly all of the ones who turned us down asked us the same thing: "Won't you be embarrassed?" 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think you are being ridiculous.

    Anyway, a compromise to me would be having a the ceremony you want at one location, then a larger receptions afterwards.  If his family doesn't want to attend the inter-faith ceremony.  Fine, they do not have to.  They can still attend the reception.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • emilybee12emilybee12 member
    First Comment
    I'm sorry, I don't think this is ridiculous? But I do think that's rude. Logistically, I don't want to have two locations. It's too complicated, my family lives far away, I don't want people traveling all over, etc. Likewise, I don't feel it is appropriate to attend only the reception, not the ceremony. It will look weird, particularly when the large majority probably wouldn't show up to the ceremony. Okay, they don't want to be there, fine...no need to rub salt in the wound on the day of our wedding, when we look out on the crowd and only see 50 people sitting there.  

    I came here for the first time, just for advice about how to create a surprise still for when my fiance sees me. Only one person has offered a suggestion for this, which I appreciate and will definitely consider. I wasn't familiar with a"first look" but it sounds like something I may be looking for. 

    Yes, I'm upset about not having a ceremony. I really, truly am. But more upsetting is causing further issues in this family. These are the people I will be with forever, like it or not, for holidays and visits. I am willing to keep my mouth shut. I don't normally. I am not the type to get walked all over. If so, my fiance and I wouldn't even be getting married (My parents weren't thrilled about us being together either). But for the sake of peace, I am keeping quiet. 

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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    emilybee12 said:

    I'm sorry, I don't think this is ridiculous? But I do think that's rude. Logistically, I don't want to have two locations. It's too complicated, my family lives far away, I don't want people traveling all over, etc. Likewise, I don't feel it is appropriate to attend only the reception, not the ceremony. It will look weird, particularly when the large majority probably wouldn't show up to the ceremony. Okay, they don't want to be there, fine...no need to rub salt in the wound on the day of our wedding, when we look out on the crowd and only see 50 people sitting there.  


    I came here for the first time, just for advice about how to create a surprise still for when my fiance sees me. Only one person has offered a suggestion for this, which I appreciate and will definitely consider. I wasn't familiar with a"first look" but it sounds like something I may be looking for. 

    Yes, I'm upset about not having a ceremony. I really, truly am. But more upsetting is causing further issues in this family. These are the people I will be with forever, like it or not, for holidays and visits. I am willing to keep my mouth shut. I don't normally. I am not the type to get walked all over. If so, my fiance and I wouldn't even be getting married (My parents weren't thrilled about us being together either). But for the sake of peace, I am keeping quiet. 



    The bolded makes sense for small issues. You pick your battles. But for a major thing like your wedding, this is actually the definition of getting walked all over.

    It would be rude of them not to be understanding and not come to your ceremony. However, it's not "more rude" for them just to come to a reception that immediately follows your ceremony. If they're going to be rude either way, why not "let go" of the rudeness that is skipping the ceremony and just showing up to the reception afterwards, instead of "letting go" of the ceremony? Why not take the compromise that actually lets both you and your FI have the ceremony you want with the people who care about it? That's what's not making any sense to people.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    lyndausvi said:

    It sounds like you care more about the party then the act of getting married.



    Which is fine, but this is not a compromise.  It's you backing down to your FIL's demands in order to have big party.

    I'm just calling it as I see it.    When I got married it was on OUR TERMS.  We both have hard core Catholic parents.   We did not have a Catholic wedding.  We had the ceremony WE WANTED.    Were they disappointed?  Yes.  Did they support our choice on having the ceremony we wanted?  Yes.

    This whole post is ridiculous.  

     You are willing to have a private JOP ceremony  and have a party later. But you want all the bells and whistles that comes with having a ceremony.   I.E.  First look in a dress.

    What exactly is different with people deciding on their own to just skip the ceremony or having a private ceremony? 

    Answer it's nothing.  In both cases some people will not attend the ceremony

    You are upset you are not having the ceremony you want.  You are upset you can't have a first look.  You are upset you are not walking down an aisle.   Yet, you can have these things if  you could just grow a back bone.

    for the record I would think a first look at reception AFTER you are already married is dumb.  It makes NO SENSE.  You are already married.    If you want to have a first look, then do it before your private ceremony.

    Getting married is generally a once in a lifetime thing.  Don't regret your choice of ceremony because you want a big party.     




    ETA - I want to add that by having a private ceremony to make your FILs happy you are telling all your other guests (including your own family) they are not worthy of seeing you get married.    

     I would never give that much power to my inlaws (or anyone for that matter).  

     If they don't want to come to my ceremony.  Fine, I'm completely okay with that. If they just want to come to the reception.  That is fine with me to.  But I will be dammed if they tell me I can't have the ceremony I want and deny the rest of my guest to witness that ceremony.
    QFT

    And because this post deserves...

    image

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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    emilybee12 said:

    I'm sorry, I don't think this is ridiculous? But I do think that's rude. Logistically, I don't want to have two locations. It's too complicated, my family lives far away, I don't want people traveling all over, etc. Likewise, I don't feel it is appropriate to attend only the reception, not the ceremony. It will look weird, particularly when the large majority probably wouldn't show up to the ceremony. Okay, they don't want to be there, fine...no need to rub salt in the wound on the day of our wedding, when we look out on the crowd and only see 50 people sitting there.  


    I came here for the first time, just for advice about how to create a surprise still for when my fiance sees me. Only one person has offered a suggestion for this, which I appreciate and will definitely consider. I wasn't familiar with a"first look" but it sounds like something I may be looking for. 

    Yes, I'm upset about not having a ceremony. I really, truly am. But more upsetting is causing further issues in this family. These are the people I will be with forever, like it or not, for holidays and visits. I am willing to keep my mouth shut. I don't normally. I am not the type to get walked all over. If so, my fiance and I wouldn't even be getting married (My parents weren't thrilled about us being together either). But for the sake of peace, I am keeping quiet. 

    It seems to me that you and your FI were doing just fine until FI's family started to make demands.  It it HIS family creating all the issues, not you and your FI. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    emilybee12 said:

    So while I am looking forward to a great big reception, the first and probably last time our families will be together, I really wanted a ceremony. To me, that IS the wedding. However, due to our different faiths, we decided we wanted to have an interfaith ceremony. Both of us were really, really excited about it, actually. Long story short, his family refused to attend if we did, so "we" decided, much to my extreme disappointment, to nix the ceremony and get married by a judge in private, and later have the big reception. (We didn't get married yet). 


    Anyways,  so we are just having a formal reception. I still want there to be that "surprise," like, when my fiance sees me the first time in my dress. I won't be coming down any aisle, so I am upset about that. But perhaps there's still something we can do? I thought about having him wait on the dance floor, and then I enter, with my brother essentially "giving me away" even though we'll already be married. Then we just have our first dance. But logistically, I don't really understand how it will work. 

    For example, how will we take pics? We had planned on it during cocktail hour, after the ceremony. I am still willing to have a cocktail hour, of course, but then obviously my fiance and I will have to see each other before the big dance. Is there another way to have a surprise introduction? To make it somewhat meaningful?

    emilybee12 said:

    In their culture, they don't have "public" ceremonies... only a meeting with a religious leader and the signing of papers. Then comes the reception...so the idea of a big ceremony is a little weird to them in the first place...which is probably why they don't see it as a big deal, or why I am upset. 


    My fiance has told me he will do whatever it is I want. I specifically asked him not to make a big deal about having the ceremony with his parents because I don't want to cause a rift in their tightly-knit family. I already feel like an outsider...I don't want it to look like I'm tearing the family apart. When they shut the idea down, I kind of just stayed quiet with them.

    We are both very big on interfaith, especially with our religions, and to us, it is a little...ironic? that a non-religious JOP is more acceptable than two religious figures...but that's besides the point. 

    In all, the venue we already booked (and put money down on) has a min of 150 guests...so for only 40-50 people to show would just be silly. Showing up for only the reception would just hurt my feelings more and my family would just be mad. Honestly, I really just want to keep the peace. I don't want to look back on this day and be upset. 

    emilybee12 said:


    emilybee12 said:

    My fiance wants the ceremony as much as I do. Like I said, both of us thought it would be really cool to have an interfaith ceremony. He told me he will let me decide. He's flexible. If I wanted to say screw it, let's elope, he'd have no problem with it. 


    The thing is, his parents really don't care about these types of things normally. I mean, we live together ("living in sin" etc.). He has a brother who is married to someone of a different faith, and the parents have no opinion on the way their children are raised, as far as religion goes (in fact, my fiance's brother has said he identifies as an atheist, to which his parents didn't mind. Most likely the children will grow up similarly). They haven't had any input on our wedding other than the ceremony. They know my fiance celebrates religious holidays with my family, and that this will continue even after we have kids, etc. etc. 

     To be honest, they don't even practice their faith much. It's more of a "How will it look in front of our other religious family members if they see you are being married by someone outside the faith?" Like they are embarrassed....but not actually against it. Funny, in a way, the search for these two religious officiants was quite difficult, and nearly all of the ones who turned us down asked us the same thing: "Won't you be embarrassed?" 
    emilybee12 said:

    I'm sorry, I don't think this is ridiculous? But I do think that's rude. Logistically, I don't want to have two locations. It's too complicated, my family lives far away, I don't want people traveling all over, etc. Likewise, I don't feel it is appropriate to attend only the reception, not the ceremony. It will look weird, particularly when the large majority probably wouldn't show up to the ceremony. Okay, they don't want to be there, fine...no need to rub salt in the wound on the day of our wedding, when we look out on the crowd and only see 50 people sitting there.  


    I came here for the first time, just for advice about how to create a surprise still for when my fiance sees me. Only one person has offered a suggestion for this, which I appreciate and will definitely consider. I wasn't familiar with a"first look" but it sounds like something I may be looking for. 

    Yes, I'm upset about not having a ceremony. I really, truly am. But more upsetting is causing further issues in this family. These are the people I will be with forever, like it or not, for holidays and visits. I am willing to keep my mouth shut. I don't normally. I am not the type to get walked all over. If so, my fiance and I wouldn't even be getting married (My parents weren't thrilled about us being together either). But for the sake of peace, I am keeping quiet. 

    Re-read your own words.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • yankeefaniniowayankeefaniniowa member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Have the ceremony. Do you really want to regret not having it for literally the rest of your life? Because based on what you're saying and how you're saying it, I promise you that you will. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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