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Wedding Etiquette Forum
onefootinthebayou
member
It's NEVER OK To Ask A Woman If She's Pregnant
Hello,
Hoping to get backed up by the Etiquette experts here but I have a story to share. If this prevents just one person from unintentionally hurting someone's feelings, it's worth it.
I have a beloved relative who was recently diagnosed as Bipolar. She's been an absolute hero dealing with it, holding a job, raising a small child, being a supportive wife, and facing it head on. Her husband has been wonderful as well. Of course, many medications for this disease cause rapid weight gain, sometimes as much as 12 pounds in a week or two.
You WOULD NOT believe how many women (WOMEN!) who have asked her if she is expecting again. I doubt all of these people are horrendously stupid/ignorant/both and probably think it's OK because she's a young woman with a small child. In any case, it is so hurtful as she is already self-conscious due to the weight gain but it's a 1-2 punch as she & her husband have made the difficult decision not to have any more children due to the diagnosis.
In any case, just posting in case anyone, no matter how well you think you know someone, is thinking of asking this. IMO, the ONLY time you can discuss a woman's pregnancy if she hasn't informed you of it is if you literally see the baby crowning out of her vagina.
Ettiquette leaders, please back me up?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: It's NEVER OK To Ask A Woman If She's Pregnant
ETA: Also, people are choosing to have kids later on in life now. There is nothing wrong with being an older parent.
Some people need to be embarrassed for asking these questions.
- "Are you married?"
- "No, not yet anyway!"
- "Oh ok, so you don't have to worry about having kids anytime soon then"
Ummmm ex-fucking-cuse me? Because only married women have to worry about having kids. I don't even have kids and I was offended for unmarried people who do. WTH?!
And yes, I agree that it's very crass to make comments towards someone about their unborn child/pregnancy if they are a perfect stranger or don't know for a fact that the person is pregnant. I'm sorry your relative is dealing with people's rudeness. If it helps at ALL, I guess just try to reframe it for her in such a way that points out ppl being curious because ppl generally love babies, not because ppl generally go around wanting explanations for sudden weight gain in others. If this is going to be an on-going concern, she can try saying something like "I'm actually not pregnant, just some medically-related weight gain." And if they press further she can say "I'd rather not discuss it, but thank you for your concern." And leave it at that. I understand that she might not be in a place where she can handle it that smoothly, definitely easier said than done, but just in case having an instaneous shield to deflect those comments/questions would help, there ya go
One of my work clients was already showing when she lost her pregnancy. Very shortly after that, she had to go to an event where she saw many longtime family friends, business colleagues and acquaintances. People kept asking her when she was due, how the pregnancy was going, etc. I can't imagine how awful that must have been.
3 of us, best friends, grew up together, thick as thieves, got together on an afternoon for some wine & chit-chat. Friend #1 declines the wine, just has water. Friend #2 blurts out w/o thinking, "OMG are you pregnant?!" I have to admit the thought crossed my mind but I stopped myself. Friend #1 smiles sheepishly, admits to being pregnant, we all squee, you know how it goes. We are all still best friends, no one at least was outwardly upset but here's the thing: she had JUST found out like the day before, it was brand new so certainly too early to announce, her family didn't even know, etc. Point is, friend #2 unknowingly put pregnant friend in awkward position of either prematurely announcing to us and hoping we wouldn't spill the beans (which of course we didn't) or lying to us. Further, I would imagine she would have wanted to tell her family first and that moment was taken from her by an excited, well meaning, question, which as this thread proves, SHOULD NEVER BE ASKED.
Thank you for the comments, it's unfortunate to hear so many of you have either witnessed or been the subject of this!!
I have a cardiologist friend who posted on FB just today "If medicine teaches you anything it's that you have know idea of the burdens some people bear".
Yup. Asking is a lose lose question. Either 1) they aren't pregnant, and you have embarassed yourself and made her feel bad, or 2) she is pregnant, but for whatever reason has decided not to tell you yet, and you have embarassed yourself and made her feel bad.
If we are talking about a random stranger the 2) is she has decided not to tell you because you are a random stranger. If you wouldn't go up to random people on the train and ask "Do you have children" (which no one does) don't go up to a woman and ask her if she is in the process of making one.
I had a sales lady at New York and Company tell me how cute I looked and I had "the glow" before proceeding to rub my stomach. Ummm I just came into a non maternity store, I'm not pregnant and you are a stranger!
I didn't correct her I just made her super uncomfortable and made a big show of pulling my cigarettes out of my purse on my way out.
Of course, I love it when when of my bolder pals responds to that with, "what, did I look fat before or something?!", a response that hopefully reminds the asker, "You'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself"...
Last year, I was about 10-15 lbs heavier than I had ever been and had just gotten back from a trip to an all-inclusive in Mexico when a coworker I only see once in awhile asked me "How are you feeling?" I answered "Oh fine, managed to escape the bugs going around this year." He looked at me weirdly and walked away.
Thinking about it 15 minutes later, I mentioned it to my boss (who hates this guy) that it was weird that he had asked me that question. My boss immediately got pissed off up and talked about going to HR about his comment on my weight gain. It hadn't even seriously occurred to me that he was assuming I was pregnant because of my weight gain. If only my boss would have just blown it off as a stupid misunderstanding and not taken it as a rip on my weight gain, I would have been far less upset.
"So, now you're married... When are you making the babies?"
"Funny, H and I just decided the other night: we'll start trying one year after the last person asks. Thanks for resetting the clock
You never know what's going on with other people. Maybe they're about to go for fertility treatment/just found out they can't have fertility treatment/will never have kids/just had a miscarriage/goodness knows what else.
If they haven't told you they're pregnant, they either aren't, or don't want you to know yet.
/rant.
I can't believe this still happens. What the hell is wrong with people!
Also, not really offensive but people always assume any small children near me are mine. Like the other day I was in the library reading a book and some kids were playing near me. I was paying zero attention to these kids and this lady comes up to me and tells me how cute my daughters are. I just gave her a look like WTF are you talking about?! This happens to me all the time, I don't really know what to make of it. But it's definitely better than someone asking if I'm pregnant.
"So, now you're married... When are you making the babies?"
"Funny, H and I just decided the other night: we'll start trying one year after the last person asks. Thanks for resetting the clock
You never know what's going on with other people. Maybe they're about to go for fertility treatment/just found out they can't have fertility treatment/will never have kids/just had a miscarriage/goodness knows what else.
If they haven't told you they're pregnant, they either aren't, or don't want you to know yet.
/rant.
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