Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting Family just because they're Family?

Are you required to invite step uncles and their wives?

A little background…Future MIL is pushing for us to invite
her stepbrother and his wife even though fiancé and I do not want to. His wife
treated me like dirt, yelled and swore at me and never apologized directly to
me even once her son admitted that he had lied to her about hitting me (she has
told everyone else in the family that she is sorry but me and all I keep
hearing is about how she is “so sorry”). Up until that point, we saw them once a
year and never talked when we didn’t see them. Future MIL and stepbrother only
see each other about once a year and never talk in between seeing each other
either (their parents remarried when they were grown and out of the house so
they’ve never grown up together).

Future MIL is worried that it’ll cause a rift in the family
since we are going to invite her other stepbrother (I think this aunt has
already caused a rift) and because they’re family. Fiancé told his step aunt (the
day everything happened) that she would most likely never see us again after
how she treated me.

My parents are paying for the food, the photographer,
invites and the dress. Future MIL (dad is out of the picture) is paying for the
favors and stamps. Fiancé and I are paying the rest. My fiancé and my parents
don’t want to invite her after how she treated me. Future MIL keeps bringing it
up and I’m about ready to just blow up and yell at her that it’s out of the
question and to shut her mouth (I know that sounds terrible but she does know
why we don’t want to invite them and both fiancé and I are tired of hearing
about it).

As far as my fiancé and I are concerned, we can see no need
to invite them. Am I wrong here? Is there some rule somewhere that I am
required to invite them just because they are family even if she wronged me and
never apologized?

Re: Inviting Family just because they're Family?

  • Are you required to invite step uncles and their wives?

    A little background…Future MIL is pushing for us to invite
    her stepbrother and his wife even though fiancé and I do not want to. His wife
    treated me like dirt, yelled and swore at me and never apologized directly to
    me even once her son admitted that he had lied to her about hitting me (she has
    told everyone else in the family that she is sorry but me and all I keep
    hearing is about how she is “so sorry”). Up until that point, we saw them once a
    year and never talked when we didn’t see them. Future MIL and stepbrother only
    see each other about once a year and never talk in between seeing each other
    either (their parents remarried when they were grown and out of the house so
    they’ve never grown up together).

    Future MIL is worried that it’ll cause a rift in the family
    since we are going to invite her other stepbrother (I think this aunt has
    already caused a rift) and because they’re family. Fiancé told his step aunt (the
    day everything happened) that she would most likely never see us again after
    how she treated me.

    My parents are paying for the food, the photographer,
    invites and the dress. Future MIL (dad is out of the picture) is paying for the
    favors and stamps. Fiancé and I are paying the rest. My fiancé and my parents
    don’t want to invite her after how she treated me. Future MIL keeps bringing it
    up and I’m about ready to just blow up and yell at her that it’s out of the
    question and to shut her mouth (I know that sounds terrible but she does know
    why we don’t want to invite them and both fiancé and I are tired of hearing
    about it).

    As far as my fiancé and I are concerned, we can see no need
    to invite them. Am I wrong here? Is there some rule somewhere that I am
    required to invite them just because they are family even if she wronged me and
    never apologized?

    You and your FI need to agree to the guest list, which it seems like you do. Honestly, I'd pay for the stamps yourself and favors are not needed. Whoever pays has a say, but stamps and favors don't really add up to a whole lot, so I'd just take care of it yourself.

    From what you've said, I wouldn't invite them.
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  • Are you required to invite step uncles and their wives?

    A little background…Future MIL is pushing for us to invite
    her stepbrother and his wife even though fiancé and I do not want to. His wife
    treated me like dirt, yelled and swore at me and never apologized directly to
    me even once her son admitted that he had lied to her about hitting me (she has
    told everyone else in the family that she is sorry but me and all I keep
    hearing is about how she is “so sorry”). Up until that point, we saw them once a
    year and never talked when we didn’t see them. Future MIL and stepbrother only
    see each other about once a year and never talk in between seeing each other
    either (their parents remarried when they were grown and out of the house so
    they’ve never grown up together).

    Future MIL is worried that it’ll cause a rift in the family
    since we are going to invite her other stepbrother (I think this aunt has
    already caused a rift) and because they’re family. Fiancé told his step aunt (the
    day everything happened) that she would most likely never see us again after
    how she treated me.

    My parents are paying for the food, the photographer,
    invites and the dress. Future MIL (dad is out of the picture) is paying for the
    favors and stamps. Fiancé and I are paying the rest. My fiancé and my parents
    don’t want to invite her after how she treated me. Future MIL keeps bringing it
    up and I’m about ready to just blow up and yell at her that it’s out of the
    question and to shut her mouth (I know that sounds terrible but she does know
    why we don’t want to invite them and both fiancé and I are tired of hearing
    about it).

    As far as my fiancé and I are concerned, we can see no need
    to invite them. Am I wrong here? Is there some rule somewhere that I am
    required to invite them just because they are family even if she wronged me and
    never apologized?

    There is no rule that states that you must invite family because they are family.  If you and your FI are on the same page (especially your FI since it is his family) about this then I see no reason for you to invite them.

    You and your FI have legitimate reasons for excluding these people.  Just because people may be family doesn't mean that you need to like them or have a relationship with them.

  • Your parents are paying for the invites and the food. As long as you, your FI, and your parents agree that you do not want to invite these people, then you do not have to, especially after how they have treated you in the past. 

    And ditto the above: since whomever pays has a say, I would nix the favors and pay for the stamps yourself if you want to completely removed your FMIL ability o have a say in anything. It sounds like paying for a roll or two of stamps yourselves would be worth it.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
  • I wouldn't invite them. No way. Your FI (not you) should tell FMIL they're not getting an invite and that's that. Let her kick and scream. Rinse/repeat as needed.

    I would plan to pay for favors and stamps yourselves.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • Be prepared to pay for favors and stamps yourself and invite (or don't invite) whoever you want. You are not obligated to invite anyone. I also suggest that you have your FI handle his mother from now on. If she wants to talk to someone about this she can talk to him.



  • I think your FI needs to have a firm talk with his mom and tell her they are not invited and the subject is closed.  If she keeps bringing it up he needs to hang up or leave, again, telling her it is a closed topic.
  • julieanne912julieanne912 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2015
    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  

    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Married 9.12.15
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  • Thanks everyone! That's what we thought too since we're paying for most of it an all.  :)
  • Lol stamps and favors? Biiiiitch pleeeeeease. FMIL can build a bridge and get over it. You are in the right on this.

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  • I don't think paying for the favors and stamps gives your FILs a say in the guest list, but like the PP said, be prepared to step in and pay for those things yourselves in case your FILs rescind the offer. As for your FMIL bringing it up, your FI should be the one to address it with her. He can politely but firmly say, "Mom, Joe and Sally will not be invited to the wedding. The guest list is finalized and the subject is closed."

    Just curious, why did your FMIL offer to pay for stamps, of all things?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
  • adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
  • Ditto PPs.  Btw, favors are not necessary, so it you plan to pay for the stamps and favors yourselves, and find the budget pinched, I would nix the favors.  I don't even remember if there were favors at the last few weddings I attended, and the reception itself is the thank you to your guests, not the favors.




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  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    I don't know - I think the SO rule is there for several reasons. One of MIL's brothers physically threatened her repeatedly while drunk and she asked if we could take him and his wife off the invite list because she didn't feel comfortable having him at the wedding. I imagine it would have created more drama in the family (i.e. his own immediate family) if we'd invited the wife but not him, and she was put in the position of deciding to go without him or not.
  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    Understood.  Don't invite the woman who committed actual violence against you.  But I still say this means you don't invite her long term boyfriend either.  Because, again, dating a violent douchebag means you don't get invited to fun parties.  Maybe it will help get the truth into this super nice guy's head that he doesn't get to hang out with other nice people if he's dating a violent bitch.
  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    Agreed. You never have to invite, SO or not, who has perpetrated physical violence against you, your FI or a guest. Your and your guests' physical safety trumps the SO etiquette rule.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    Then I wouldn't be inviting either half of the couple. When you are a couple and your SO fucks up and actually gets physical with someone, then as the other half you are unfortunately need to deal with the fallout from that.  Yeah it sucks that the guy may be awesome, but in a case like this where formal invites are given, he does not get one because of what his SO did.

  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    Then I wouldn't be inviting either half of the couple. When you are a couple and your SO fucks up and actually gets physical with someone, then as the other half you are unfortunately need to deal with the fallout from that.  Yeah it sucks that the guy may be awesome, but in a case like this where formal invites are given, he does not get one because of what his SO did.
    QFT.
  • blabla89, I think just because she overheard me telling him that we needed stamps. All of of a sudden she was like, oh I have to grocery shopping anyway, I'll get them. It was random. FI thinks she's trying to make up for the fact that she can't really contribute money wise so she's jumping in to do the little things. She offered to do the favors because we were talking about doing koozies and she can get a good rate for those at her work. 

    It's funny that inviting one person but not their SO came up. We actually talked about doing that with this step uncle (we do like him even if we see him once a year) but decided against it. It puts him in the awkward position of replying yes and his wife know that he is going without her or he'd have to say no just because she can't come even if he wants to come. He was there when everything happened so he'll know why they didn't get an invite. 
  • Jen4948 said:

    adk19 said:

    I definitely don't think you should invite someone who has treated you badly in the past and never apologized for it.  


    My FI has a cousin whose "lady" (they've been together forever, but not married), attacked me one night at a music festival when she was hammered (she's in her 40s by the way).  I had just met her that day, but she didn't like that I was looking at her or something, and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to the ground.  She had punched his cousin in the face a bit earlier, and got into a huge screaming match with cousin's college age daughter.  So, I'd prefer to not have someone that physically assaulted me at my wedding, especially since it's apparent that she definitely cannot control herself when alcohol is involved.  Hence, no invite for her.  His cousin is invited as FI is pretty close to him and he is a really nice guy (why he's still with her is beyond me).   His family thought the incident was kind of funny, but I hold grudges. 

    I definitely agree that you should pay for the stamps and favors yourself, and just let her know that they are absolutely not invited. 


    Nope.  You must always invite Significant Others of your guests.  I don't know if one drunken brawl negates this rule.  I think you have to NOT invite the cousin, to be honest, no matter now nice of a guy he his.  The result of dating douchebags is that you don't get invited to places where nice people hang out, including the wedding of a cousin you like.

    As far as the OP's question... I don't believe that being related to someone makes them Family.  I have Family that are not relatives and I have relatives that are not Family.  Just because we share a grandparent or are both related to the same distant person, does not make you Family or guarantee you an invite to my parties.
    BS. In this case there was actual violence. Physical safety trumps any rule about always inviting SOs. This was not just a "drunken brawl."
    Then I wouldn't be inviting either half of the couple. When you are a couple and your SO fucks up and actually gets physical with someone, then as the other half you are unfortunately need to deal with the fallout from that.  Yeah it sucks that the guy may be awesome, but in a case like this where formal invites are given, he does not get one because of what his SO did.
    This. 

    If he's really all that awesome, why does he keep company with a "lady" that acts like that? 

    I'd also be worried that a couple who acts like this wouldn't pay a whole lot of attention to the envelope and would show up or RSVP together anyway. Calling the cousin to tell him crazy pants isn't invited isn't going to go well. 
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