Best age and time for TTC

charcoalandblush · March 2015

emmaaa said:
I love hearing everyone's thought process (or lack thereof even) when it comes to having children or deciding that children aren't the best for them.

DH and I are still young (24) so obviously our "timeline" could and most likely will change. I think it is important to be flexible as to when you want to start a family because, Lord knows, once you have kids you have to be flexible on a lot of things.

I think the best advice I ever heard was: "If you keep waiting for the perfect time and circumstance to start having kids, then you never will. There isn't a "perfect" time but when the time comes, it's perfect"

This is what my mom told me last time we talked about kids/grandkids. She said "I'd never tell you to wait until you're ready to have kids... no one is ever truly ready to have kids."

buttercup1958 · March 2015

V and I aren't sure if we re having kids. If we do, it won't be for awhile. We haven't really talk about it much because we are more concerned about our education and getting jobs afterwards. By the time we are done with grad school, I'll be around 24-25 and Vic would be 32-33. We also talked a lot about traveling too. So if we do have kids, V will be the "old" parent since V might be 35 when we start trying. I don't think either of us would mind that aspect. We care more about if the kid will be healthy. We both have health issues. So we don't have a strict timeline for kids at all. But we are making sure we are preventing any atm since we couldn't be good parents now.

KatieinBkln · March 2015

STARMOON44 said:
I think there's no such thing as a best time. And that imagining you can a) identify such a time and b) actually stick with that timeline is laughably naive.

I suppose it might be naive, but I have to pick a nit and say that plenty of people DO identify and stick to a timeline for having kids. It doesn't mean they're better at planning things than the rest of us, just that outside circumstances didn't get in their way. But it can be done--there's just no way to guarantee that it will work.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

kvruns said: southernbelle0915 said: Maggie0829 said:

Oh yea, and this too. (I don't think it sounds horrible.)
I know a lot of adults pushing back retirement because they had kids later in life and simply can't afford to retire because kid-related-expenses/reasons. It sucks, but that's their reality. I do not want that for my own life.
I want the kid out of the nest and off our payroll by the time they're done with college. We plan to pay for college and related expenses with the understanding that their responsibility in the deal is to be self-supporting afterwards

I keep telling my FI this but he doesn't get it. I'm 32, he's 39, so if it's gonna happen it needs to happen soon and he's still going to be an old dad. He keeps saying he wants to retire at 55 or something and I'm like you realize that's not going to happen if there is a kid in the picture because that kid will be somewhere around HS age and unless we win the lottery that won't be happening.
For me, sometimes I wish I'd gotten married younger and had kids in my late 20s so that I could have them out of college and still be youngish and travel or whatever. Not that you can't travel when you're older, and there's no guarantee of healthy even at 50, but you know what I mean. FI's dad and stepmom travel a lot and are 65-70 although I know they can't do as much as they'd like because of pain/tiredness/etc but I know that is the reality for us.

To the highlighted, however... Of course everyone's financial situation is different, but there's logic that if you wait to have kids, you can work on your career, save a ton of money (which when invested properly can grow exponentially), and be better off at 55 than you would have been if you spent money on kids young and couldn't save as much back then.

kvruns · March 2015

thisismynickname said:
kvruns said:

I keep telling my FI this but he doesn't get it. I'm 32, he's 39, so if it's gonna happen it needs to happen soon and he's still going to be an old dad. He keeps saying he wants to retire at 55 or something and I'm like you realize that's not going to happen if there is a kid in the picture because that kid will be somewhere around HS age and unless we win the lottery that won't be happening.

For me, sometimes I wish I'd gotten married younger and had kids in my late 20s so that I could have them out of college and still be youngish and travel or whatever. Not that you can't travel when you're older, and there's no guarantee of healthy even at 50, but you know what I mean. FI's dad and stepmom travel a lot and are 65-70 although I know they can't do as much as they'd like because of pain/tiredness/etc but I know that is the reality for us.

To the highlighted, however... Of course everyone's financial situation is different, but there's logic that if you wait to have kids, you can work on your career, save a ton of money (which when invested properly can grow exponentially), and be better off at 55 than you would have been if you spent money on kids young and couldn't save as much back then.

Very true. And in our case, barring any major unforeseen financial issues, there will be a lot saved at that point anyway But I just can't imagine retiring when you have a kid in HS unless there is a ton in the bank (like more than just what we can save by being financially sound and investing). Both of us had parents who paid for our college and I would plan to do the same for my child so I would at least want both of us working through college.

climbingsingle · March 2015

My H and I are not having kids, but I just needed to throw my two cents in.

We are 34 and 41. I don't feel any less active than I was 10 years ago. In fact. my H and I are both in better shape than we ever were in our 20s. Not only do I take better care of myself, I also am more active and have more energy. So to people that are thinking that mid 30s and early 40s are "older" and maybe won't have the energy to chase after kids? Yeah, not true for all people. Yes, some people slow down in their 40s. Certainly not my husband. And I don't see it for myself either.

penguin44 · March 2015

Well I wanted to wait until we both had careers and a house. We have both, but I'm 24 and he's 26. I'm so not ready yet. He wants to try in a couple year, I'm thinking like 4-5 years sounds better. I had always thought I would be between 25-28. My parents had me when they were in their 30s, and I always wanted young cool parents (like the Gilmore Girls).

I am getting annoyed with the 30-somethings at my office that had kids in their late 30s and are now wondering when I will get knocked up. Dude, you were single and independent in your 20s. Could you possibly think that I might want to enjoy having an income for a while?

Bubblegum5586 · March 2015

I don't think there is a best time. Every couple should decide for themselves.

What is not cool, and I'm not saying anyone here has done it, is to judge others' choices. I've seen that in real life, comments like, "Well, you're 31, you need to get on it." Um... no.

My sister who is 21 was just telling me how her best friend wants to join the peace corps after she graduates from college and her dad was very upset by this. He said that she will be wasting valuable time to get married and to start a family. She needs to think about her biological clock.... did I mention she is 21?!?! I literally saw red when I heard this. To hear that a MAN is mentioning a "biological clock" especially to somone int heir early 20s... WTF?!?

emmaaa said:
I love hearing everyone's thought process (or lack thereof even) when it comes to having children or deciding that children aren't the best for them.

DH and I are still young (24) so obviously our "timeline" could and most likely will change. I think it is important to be flexible as to when you want to start a family because, Lord knows, once you have kids you have to be flexible on a lot of things.

I think the best advice I ever heard was: "If you keep waiting for the perfect time and circumstance to start having kids, then you never will. There isn't a "perfect" time but when the time comes, it's perfect"

This is what my mom says to me. I want to get everything in order... but really how long does that take? Does it ever happen to the full extent you want?

JaniV123 · March 2015

Well I am 22 and will be 23 when we get married. FI is and will be 24 by the wedding. I am almost done with first year of medical school. I always wanted to start a family between 25-27 but looking at career and such we will likely start trying when I am 27-28 for the first. I want 3 kids FI wants 2. We don't have it all figured out but I would like to be a "young-ish" parent, always wanted that. I have a friend who is 18 and in med school and sometimes I get jealous that she will be done and settled in her career so young. But if I had done that I wouldn't have met FI and probably wouldn't be getting married any time soon.

So life will work out in its own way. Of course the "best" time for a pregnancy is early -mid 20's if we think about our bodies and such (during these ages pregnancy, labor and delivery tend to be smoother *not exclusive*) but that lasts and there is really no big deal with being an older parent. Yes the risks increase exponentially after 35 for abnormalities but that can be monitored and reduced with proper care and treatment.

We'll see what happens as fertility issues are one of my biggest fears. (silly i know)

JennyColada · March 2015

I'm 31 and am pretty indifferent about children. I'd be happy to never have kids.

DH is 33 (turning 34) and has wanted kids for quite some time, it is a major non-negotiable in his long-term happiness.

We will probably start TTC in about a year or two. I was kind of thinking of taking my IUD out in December as DH's "Christmas present", but I'm not sure if that seems stupid or if it's just a bad decision.

DH wants me to be a stay at home mom (and I do think that I'd enjoy that), but it's such a HUGE change, and it makes me nervous/scared, so I'm quite happy to push off that time for a bit longer. But I'm really not getting any younger (which kind of makes me nervous on its own!), and I know that DH doesn't like the idea of being 60 and having to pay for college tuition.

In a perfect world, I would have met DH years ago and we would have been married in 2012 and be thinking about TTC this year. But oh well.

sunset30 · March 2015

Like everyone has said, there is no best time. I believe its a matter of weighing what's most important to you - having kids earlier and being a younger parent and having the kids out of the house when you're younger, or having your 20s to build a career, financial stability and some freedom then.

I'm having my first baby in 2-3 weeks, and am almost 32. For us, this was really good timing because I feel like my husband and I have established careers, paid off our home, built up a good retirement savings base and are in the position where I have some optionality about staying home or going back to work. To me, it was worth having the time in my 20s to build a career, travel, have some freedom, etc. Hopefully, we'll have another in the next 3 years and we'll have the kids off to college by the time I'm in my mid 50s and plenty of time to enjoy the "retirement years. Personally, if I would have met my husband and been married in my early 20s; I still wouldn't give up the position that we're in now and experiences we've had to have a child earlier.

My perspective is that a couple just needs to decide what priorities are most important to them and try to time around that; with the caveat that while these things may happen instantly but for some people it can take months or years to conceive so you have to be flexible.

lovesclimbing · March 2015

I don't think there's necessarily a perfect ideal time, but I do think the younger the better. (Obviously, I don't mean having a kid as a young teen.) I hope H and I will start having kids in a year or two, and I'd like for us to be done having kids by the time I'm in my early 30s.

onefootinthebayou · March 2015

chloe97 said:
I think that there is a lot of misinformation about the risks associated with having children after 35. This article really explains well what doctors know and what they do not know know about having children later in life.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

The long of the short of it is you probably have just as good of a shot of getting pregnant between 35 and 39 as you did before 35, but there really is no good way to know for sure. Sure the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases with age, but they are still quite small. I personally had friends with babies with chromosomal abnormalities at age 28 and 29 respectively, so don't feel that your age protects you from such things. Wait and have children when you and you partner are ready- don't feel like you need to rush because of some clicking biological clock.

Thank you for posting that. I was feeling a bit bad after reading some of the comments (I'm late 30s, getting married in May and TTC right after). I understand that I'm considered medically "high risk" but I'm otherwise very healthy, fit, with no known genetic history that might make this more difficult for me than it would have been were I 34 or 35. We do plan to have genetic testing done and I will likely take whatever advice my physician gives me for being technically "high risk". Not to mention I'm so much more financially secure than I was in my 20s and hiring help will not be an issue. Of course I plan to be an involved mom and am not implying I'm just going to hand my kid off to a nanny but it will be nice to have the extra help. My job allows me not only maternity leave but plenty of vacation every year so we plan to continue to travel.

Watching my 72 year old dad toss my 3-year old nephew down the yard in his sled over and over again yesterday, I'm not too worried about having the energy to play with my kids as they grow up. I anticipate I'll get to enjoy retirement as well as I don't plan to retire until at least 65 and even if I have two kids they'll both be well into or through college, which is already paid for since I'm so old and have had time to accumulate the funds! Haha. I realize that once kids come on the scene, the best laid plans can be laid to waste but this is my optimistic viewpoint at the moment. Bottom line, I'm trying to have as little anxiety about TTC at 38 or 39 and your comment/article helped with that. Thank you.

lauraukoctober2014 · March 2015

At 26 and 31 we are hoping to ttc next year however I know I have pcos so how long it'll take/if it happens may well take me and oh into our 30s. I am of the opinion the right time to conceive is when you can't think of anything you would rather be doing instead have spent enough time being selfish with your other half going places etc and you are financially stable and in a nice environment for the child to thrive. I am child of a older mother 40 when she had me in 88 I do feel I missed out a bit with older parents but also gained so much too

badbnagdway · March 2015

redheadbride15 said:
Just to throw in the perspective of another "older" gal. FI and I are 40 and 37, respectively. If we TTC immediately following the wedding then we will be 41 and 38 when the baby is born (assuming no infertility problems, which one can NEVER assume). If you had spoken to me in my 20s, or even early 30s, I would have said "that's too old! I have a 35 cut-off!" just like lots of you have said. But your perspective also changes as you get older too. As an older couple we have a lot of advantages: two really solid careers, a nest egg, and a considerable amount more confidence and maturity than I used to have. And I'm not too worried about losing my "golden years", because in exchange I have gained 15+ years of my young adult life with much more personal and financial freedom than I would have if I had started making babies in my 20s.

climbingwife said:
My H and I are not having kids, but I just needed to throw my two cents in.

We are 34 and 41. I don't feel any less active than I was 10 years ago. In fact. my H and I are both in better shape than we ever were in our 20s. Not only do I take better care of myself, I also am more active and have more energy. So to people that are thinking that mid 30s and early 40s are "older" and maybe won't have the energy to chase after kids? Yeah, not true for all people. Yes, some people slow down in their 40s. Certainly not my husband. And I don't see it for myself either.

I just wanted to comment on both of these. I am 33 and FI is 32. When I hit 30 and wasn't even close to having a husband I used to think, well, I'm not having kids after 35. But honestly, things change and life happens. We won't be TTC until I am nearly 35, because we'd like to be married at least a year before we try. That means I will in all likelihood be giving birth as a 35 year old woman. And, frankly we want two kids, so that means I will be closer to 40 than 35 for my second kid if all goes well. I used to think that was old and that my ovaries would shrivel up and die by then. Talking to my OBGYN though, he doesn't see it that way and neither do I anymore. He sees lots of women in their late 30's having kids and it going totally fine. A lot of the risks sound a lot scarier than they are, because the risks "go up a lot" but actually the overall risk is still really low for most women. Also, studies have shown that the age of the dad actually may have just as much of an effect on birth defects as the age of the mom. Now, if FI can't have our own kids for some reason, we'll adopt. And that's fine too.

I also agree with @climbingwife that I am actually better now at 33 than I was when I was 25. I'm not skinnier, but I do think I am more balanced as a person and would be better equipped for kids than when I was younger. Being an "old parent" is way over-stated. If you have kids in your late 30's or early 40's you are still going to be spry enough to chase them around in their early years. Believe it or not I don't even need a walker yet.

twitterbird · March 2015

I'm 37 and we just started TTC. We got married in November and neither of us wanted to have kids before we got married. We were together for 2 years before we got married and probably would have been married sooner but my husband lost his job not long after we got together and was a year getting a new one.

Am I concerned about risks? Sure. But my doctor assures me that I am in great health (did a battery of tests a few months ago) and sees no reason for us not to try for kids. My best friend is a doctor and had her second at 35. My mom had me when she was 41 (I'm also her only child). One of the girls at work is pregnant with her second now at 39 and was 37 when she had her first. Older moms are not as strange now as when my mom had me.

One of my other colleagues said what others have said - there is no right time. And things happen. She was married and they were about to have kids and then she lost her job. So they decided to wait until she had another stable one. That took a few years and then it took them 5 years to get pregnant.

chloe97 · March 2015

Okay, the boxes got all screwed up when I tried to post, but what I was trying to say in response to @onefootinthebayou was that before I got engaged, I was having serious anxiety about my now FI not being ready to have kids soon because I just turned 35.

This article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ helped a lot!

My favorite part is excerpted below.

I wish I had known all this back in the spring of 2002, when the media coverage of age and infertility was deafening. I did, though, find some relief from the smart women of Saturday Night Live.

“According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn’t wait to have babies, because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27,” Tina Fey said during a “Weekend Update” sketch. “And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great.” Rachel Dratch said, “Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.”

“My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian,” noted Amy Poehler. “So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.” Maya Rudolph rounded out the rant: “Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III and holding out for the chick fromAlias.” (“You’re not gonna get the chick from Alias,” Fey advised.)

Eleven years later, these four women have eight children among them, all but one born when they were older than 35. It’s good to be right.

ETF Boxes got all screwed up

badbnagdway · March 2015

chloe97 said:
Okay, the boxes got all screwed up when I tried to post, but what I was trying to say in response to @onefootinthebayou was that before I got engaged, I was having serious anxiety about my now FI not being ready to have kids soon because I just turned 35.

This article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ helped a lot!

My favorite part is excerpted below.

I wish I had known all this back in the spring of 2002, when the media coverage of age and infertility was deafening. I did, though, find some relief from the smart women of Saturday Night Live.
“According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn’t wait to have babies, because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27,” Tina Fey said during a “Weekend Update” sketch. “And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great.” Rachel Dratch said, “Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.”
“My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian,” noted Amy Poehler. “So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.” Maya Rudolph rounded out the rant: “Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III and holding out for the chick fromAlias.” (“You’re not gonna get the chick from Alias,” Fey advised.)
Eleven years later, these four women have eight children among them, all but one born when they were older than 35. It’s good to be right.

ETF Boxes got all screwed up

So glad you posted this link. There is a lot of good information about dispelling the misinformation out there. "In short, the “baby panic”—which has by no means abated since it hit me personally—is based largely on questionable data. We’ve rearranged our lives, worried endlessly, and forgone countless career opportunities based on a few statistics about women who resided in thatched-roof huts and never saw a lightbulb. In Dunson’s study of modern women, the difference in pregnancy rates at age 28 versus 37 is only about 4 percentage points. Fertility does decrease with age, but the decline is not steep enough to keep the vast majority of women in their late 30s from having a child. And that, after all, is the whole point."

onefootinthebayou · March 2015

badbnagdway said:

chloe97 said:
Okay, the boxes got all screwed up when I tried to post, but what I was trying to say in response to @onefootinthebayou was that before I got engaged, I was having serious anxiety about my now FI not being ready to have kids soon because I just turned 35.

This article http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ helped a lot!

My favorite part is excerpted below.

I wish I had known all this back in the spring of 2002, when the media coverage of age and infertility was deafening. I did, though, find some relief from the smart women of Saturday Night Live.
“According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn’t wait to have babies, because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27,” Tina Fey said during a “Weekend Update” sketch. “And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great.” Rachel Dratch said, “Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.”
“My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian,” noted Amy Poehler. “So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.” Maya Rudolph rounded out the rant: “Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III and holding out for the chick fromAlias.” (“You’re not gonna get the chick from Alias,” Fey advised.)
Eleven years later, these four women have eight children among them, all but one born when they were older than 35. It’s good to be right.

ETF Boxes got all screwed up
So glad you posted this link. There is a lot of good information about dispelling the misinformation out there. "In short, the “baby panic”—which has by no means abated since it hit me personally—is based largely on questionable data. We’ve rearranged our lives, worried endlessly, and forgone countless career opportunities based on a few statistics about women who resided in thatched-roof huts and never saw a lightbulb. In Dunson’s study of modern women, the difference in pregnancy rates at age 28 versus 37 is only about 4 percentage points. Fertility does decrease with age, but the decline is not steep enough to keep the vast majority of women in their late 30s from having a child. And that, after all, is the whole point."

This is for @chloe79 and @badbnagdway:

I wish I could love these posts multiple times! Fact is, I just didn't meet the right guy until I was 37 and I was unwilling to settle for the wrong guy before that JUST to have a child. I was perfectly willing to move on to the next phase of adulthood and accept that I would not be having children. I would work, travel, dote on my nieces and nephews, give my money and time to charities, etc. Then FI came along and boom, we're engaged, planning a wedding, and planning on TTC all in one year. It's a lot but worth it to me as I enjoyed a lot of autonomy and independence in my 20s & 30s and am now more than ready to sacrifice my time for FI and possible future baby(ies). I also work in the life sciences/biotech area so I'd like to think I have a pretty decent handle on how to decipher medical data/facts from pseudoscience and old wives tales. Oh, and I never read anything on WebMD. Haha

In any case, bravo to both of your posts. I'm going to look that SNL skit up on Youtube.

chloe97 · March 2015

Here's a link to the SNL skit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-segment---women-on-sylvia-hewlett/n11611.

Thanks for more information about the study, @badbnagdway - I don't want to get all feministy up in here, but it makes you wonder if this baby panic plot isn't an attempt to make women settle for shitty partners because they are so scared if they don't they will be too old to have a kid. Or a plot by our parents generation who are dying to become grandparents!

badbnagdway · March 2015

chloe97 said:

Here's a link to the SNL skit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-segment---women-on-sylvia-hewlett/n11611.

Thanks for more information about the study, @badbnagdway - I don't want to get all feministy up in here, but it makes you wonder if this baby panic plot isn't an attempt to make women settle for shitty partners because they are so scared if they don't they will be too old to have a kid. Or a plot by our parents generation who are dying to become grandparents!

It seems hard to orchestrate but there certainly is something strange at work when there are so many scary articles and news pieces done advising women "it's now or never" in terms of children. It's so pervasive that, as you can see from this thread, women assume that 35 is some magic line they dare not cross. It's undisputed that the risks go up, but it seems like the actual science indicates the risks don't go up a whole lot. Whether intended or not there may be women out there who choose not to pursue certain careers and paths that require extensive schooling for fear of not having kids. Additionally, it scares women who are high-achieving into believing that they will be barren after 35.

Maybe it all has to do with the pervasive fallacy that women must choose between career or children.

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