Dictating Shoes

poodledoodleooo · March 2015

I have a question here: Why is it OK to dictate what dress and color a bridesmaid wears but not what shoes they wear? I mean, shoes can completely change a look. Sandals/flats will obviously have a completely different look and feel than bright rainbow-colored pumps even if the wearer is wearing the same dress.

I'm honestly just curious to hear what other people think about this. I in no way, shape or form asked my bridesmaids to wear a certain shoe color or style because I just didn't give 2 craps about it.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

I'd say because everyone's feet are different. Just because I don't mind prancing around in 4 inch heels all day doesn't mean my friends do too. I happen to hate peep toes because they hurt my toes. Others love them. Maybe some people don't want to show off their bunions in strappy sandals. Some people are sensitive about their height or lack thereof and don't want to wear heels or flats, respectively.

Also, these days there seems to be a collective revolt against matching dresses because everyone's bodies are different. That's a good thing.

I am of the belief that if a bride wants to say, "Hey, can everyone manage black shoes with this plum colored dress" they're well within their right. Most people own black shoes anyway. Mandating rose gold with plum would be in a pain in the ass because what are the odds everyone owns rose gold shoes? Extra expense.

[Deleted User] · March 2015

sjf2715 said:
I have a question here: Why is it OK to dictate what dress and color a bridesmaid wears but not what shoes they wear? I mean, shoes can completely change a look. Sandals/flats will obviously have a completely different look and feel than bright rainbow-colored pumps even if the wearer is wearing the same dress.

I'm honestly just curious to hear what other people think about this. I in no way, shape or form asked my bridesmaids to wear a certain shoe color or style because I just didn't give 2 craps about it.

I'm 5'11" barefoot. I don't wear stillettos, in fact I barely wear heels at all. I might wear a wedge sandal, but I love my flats. My sister is 5'7" and lives in platform heels even when she's pregnant. If we're both bridesmaids in your wedding, you're never going to find a shoe that we both are happy with. If you assign a particular shoe, one or both of us are not going to look happy in the bazillion photos you take of your bridal party. Shoes are more important for comfort than the dress to me. I mean, I'm not thrilled about a strapless dress, but I'll wear one. Four inch stilletto peep toe shoes though, and you have one angry bridesmaid on your hands.

msuprincess04 · March 2015

I figure because in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter. It's not something that will make or break the wedding. Not that matching dresses do either, but they are at least a bit more prominent. And, if you like cohesion, it's not an unreasonable reqest. But, shoes, you don't really seethem, they aren't focus of anything, and as pp stated, its an unnecessary expense for BM.

I actually remember my BM shoes, but I told them they could wear what they wanted. One girl forgot her shoes and had to find or borrow silver shoes the day before while in Mexico. She found a pair that worked, but ony wore them for the cemony and pictures. One girl had back surgery, and I was so worried about her standing, but she did it like a trooper in silver ballet flats. My MOH is supper tall, and also only wears huge stilettos. She was a lot taller than me in the photos, but still looked great. One girl wore knee high gladiator shoes. They were fabulous, and I asked to borrow them the next day.

poodledoodleooo · March 2015

I'm curious if there is a difference between requesting, say mustard yellow peep toe slingbacks with a 3 inch heel vs "something light colored that is still dressy"?

I can totally see why the former would be not okay. I can't stand most strappy sandals, my wide feed spill out and I get major blisters.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2015

sjf2715 said:
I'm curious if there is a difference between requesting, say mustard yellow peep toe slingbacks with a 3 inch heel vs "something light colored that is still dressy"?

I can totally see why the former would be not okay. I can't stand most strappy sandals, my wide feed spill out and I get major blisters.

I think giving guidelines is ok, such as a color or color palette. But throwing in criteria like "dressy" is subjective and unnecessary. Most women know how to properly accessorize a dress. I doubt anyone would show up to a formal wedding in light colored Sperry's.

banana468 · March 2015

I think it's fine to tell your BMs shoe type as a basic.

As @sjf2715 said, you can be really specific to the point that it's dictating the actual shoe and that's absurd.

But IMO, it's fine to call out basics. I asked my BMs to wear black heels. I didn't care if they were open or closed but that's what I felt would be OK.

KatieinBkln · March 2015

PrettyGirlLost said:
I'm curious if there is a difference between requesting, say mustard yellow peep toe slingbacks with a 3 inch heel vs "something light colored that is still dressy"?

I can totally see why the former would be not okay. I can't stand most strappy sandals, my wide feed spill out and I get major blisters.

I think giving guidelines is ok, such as a color or color palette. But throwing in criteria like "dressy" is subjective and unnecessary. Most women know how to properly accessorize a dress. I doubt anyone would show up to a formal wedding in light colored Sperry's.

Yep. If you (general) find yourself wanting to specify this because of a certain bridesmaid's taste in footwear, well...you probably knew her style when you asked her to stand up with you, no?

VulgarGirl · March 2015

I was pretty confident my adult friends knew how to pick shoes that went with their dress. I mean...they pick out appropriate shoes a regular basis, they've all dressed up for one thing or another before, this isn't new to them. They're adults.

badbnagdway · March 2015

Agree with others, there's a sliding scale of request and particularity. I was in a wedding where the bride wanted a specific shoe and bought them for everybody. They were kind of a pewter four-inch heel and were bedazzled with chunky plastic gems. I have never worn them again and they were not at all comfortable. I don't even think there was a single (properly cropped) picture that included the shoes. It was definitely a waste, but at least the bride paid for them.

lyndausvi · March 2015

I'm fine with dictating a certain color palette or whether it's a open or closed toed. Even if strappy sandal or not.

I draw the line at brand, heel height or a specific shoe.

augsum15 · March 2015

thisismynickname said:
I'd say because everyone's feet are different. Just because I don't mind prancing around in 4 inch heels all day doesn't mean my friends do too. I happen to hate peep toes because they hurt my toes. Others love them. Maybe some people don't want to show off their bunions in strappy sandals. Some people are sensitive about their height or lack thereof and don't want to wear heels or flats, respectively.

Also, these days there seems to be a collective revolt against matching dresses because everyone's bodies are different. That's a good thing.

I am of the belief that if a bride wants to say, "Hey, can everyone manage black shoes with this plum colored dress" they're well within their right. Most people own black shoes anyway. Mandating rose gold with plum would be in a pain in the ass because what are the odds everyone owns rose gold shoes? Extra expense.

The bolded. My FSIL hates opened toed, but my MOH wants sandals, my other 2 bridesmaids didn't really have a preference, so I just told them all find a pair of shoes they love and are comfortable with.

artbyallie · March 2015

I only requested black, but wish I hadn't done even that much. No one really stares at the bridesmaids' feet, you know?

And their shoes don't even show in one single picture. They're either not shown full-length or their feet are too small a part of the picture to be noticed. It's just not worth potentially making someone uncomfortable when it doesn't make even a little tiny bit of difference.

Cookie Pusher · March 2015

My bridesmaids wore knee length dresses and I still didn't dictate anything about their shoes. I had zero fucks to give about what they wore on their feet and didn't care what it would look like in pictures. I ended up having the lowest heels even though I'm the shortest (and oldest!) of my siblings. Still gave zero fucks.

Shoes are very personal. If I'm going to ask someone to not only stand through my ceremony but also through pictures, receiving line, and introductions, I want their feet to stay comfortable the whole time!

daria24 · March 2015

My feet are complicated. I have very narrow ankles that make it damn near impossible to keep a pair of heels on. I wear sneakers or flip flops every day. I have the grace of a 1 minute old giraffe in heels. And on top of that, I'm usually marathon training, so a night in heels can really screw up my ankles for weeks. If you tell me to wear heels as a BM, I will laugh and promise to buy very appropriate flats, but I will not, under any circumstances wear heels just because you think it will look better. Me falling on my face in the middle of your wedding will be far more memorable than my shoes.

I'm fine with requesting a basic, easy to find in a variety of price points color (black, silver, gold, nude, etc).

If you tell me to wear cowboy boots I will suddenly have to wash my hair that day.

dcbride86 · March 2015

As PPs have said, everyone's feet are different. I have super sensitive skin, and get blisters really easily. I don't want to have to buy uncomfortable shoes that will give me blisters and I'll only wear once just to be in a wedding. I asked my BMs to wear nude shoes, or silver if they didn't have nude. I also asked them to let me know if they didn't have either color, and we'd find another color for them to wear (although it looks like everyone has either nude or silver)

happybridetobe1987 · March 2015

I agree with all the PPs and have one other thought as well. I think it's also b/c it's a bit of a slippery slope. Being a BM can be expensive and it is a time commitment, so asking your BMs to pay for a certain dress/style of dress so that the wedding party has some cohesion, for pictures, etc. is the standard. However, if as the bride, I were to tell my BMs what exact shoes to wear and make them pay for it, that's one more thing they have to worry about and buy. Then if that becomes the norm, you can see where it would go from there (hence slippery slope). Some brides might then think it's okay to tell their BMs: "Okay now I want you all to get this specific lip shade from Sephora, that bracelet from Tiffanys, and this specific hair comb for your updos that you are also paying for." (and you KNOW Pinterest will be all over this trend of dressing up your WP like Barbie dolls). So I just think it's to keep the costs reasonable, not to mention everything else the PPs have said about personal preference, comfort, and physiological issues among BMs.

leroweb · March 2015

Ever wedding I have been in then hopes were bought to match. Once 4 inch heels and once flats. I don't mind honestly but I can see where people would.

climbingsingle · March 2015

Personally, I can't imagine dictating to people a specific shoe. No one looks at the bridesmaids shoes. It's such an insignificant detail, and why risk having your closest friends in uncomfortable shoes? I've been in weddings were the shoes were dictated, and I was miserable. What is comfortable for one person, isn't comfortable for everyone.

kvruns · March 2015

I totally agree with the OP that it is strange that you can say wear this specific dress and the BM typically pay for their own yet if you say wear this specific shoe then the bride should pay. The logic that everyone's feet are different, some cant/don't wear heels or flats or vice versa can also be applied to dresses. Not every style works on every person. In a wedding last summer 2 girls said they wanted something with straps because strapless bras didn't work well for them. They ended up with one shoulder dresses and my friend ended up spending a lot of money to get a bra that would work for that dress and she was uncomfortable in that style of dress the whole night. One shoulder dresses didn't "work" for her in the same way 4 inch stilletos wouldn't "work" for me. As another PP said it is a slippery slope

FWIW I told my BMs they could chose any dress and any shoes so it would work for their specific tastes, body types, etc. but I do think OP raised any interesting point on why one thing is acceptable and another isn't.

beachyone15 · March 2015

Knowing my girls, I couldn't even think about putting them all in heels. Most of them like flats anyway. So I just told them "any nude or gold shoe". I think just having the same color gives it enough cohesion. I figured that way, they'd all be comfortable and those were colors that most of them likely had in their closet anyway.

As long as you do all you can to ensure their comfort and limit unnecessary spending, I think you're doing alright! 3 of my girls had long dresses and 3 had high-low dresses and they all looked great!

arrrghmatey · March 2015

I never had any intention of dictating what shoes my bridesmaids should wear. I suggested an array of colors that would go with the dress color and I assume they would probably already have (black, white, nude, silver, etc), and they can wear heels, flats, peep toe, whatever they want. They're already paying for the dress, so I don't want to make them pay for shoes as well.

And I was in a wedding where I had to have a very specific color of brown shoes. I ended up having to get a doable sandal and having them special ordered/dyed to match the color the bride wanted. It was a pain.

LD1970 · March 2015

Except for as my sister's MOH, I've always had my BM shoes dictated, so I'd come to expect it. Thankfully, I have easy feet - I can wear a 6.5 in most shoes & am pretty comfortable in anything from a 1/2" heel to 5" stilettos.

But I know not everyone is that way, and one of my own BMs had foot issues & needed orthotics in her shoes, so my only instruction to them was "wear shoes that go with the dress & will keep you dancing all day."

daria24 · March 2015

kvruns said:
I totally agree with the OP that it is strange that you can say wear this specific dress and the BM typically pay for their own yet if you say wear this specific shoe then the bride should pay. The logic that everyone's feet are different, some cant/don't wear heels or flats or vice versa can also be applied to dresses. Not every style works on every person. In a wedding last summer 2 girls said they wanted something with straps because strapless bras didn't work well for them. They ended up with one shoulder dresses and my friend ended up spending a lot of money to get a bra that would work for that dress and she was uncomfortable in that style of dress the whole night. One shoulder dresses didn't "work" for her in the same way 4 inch stilletos wouldn't "work" for me. As another PP said it is a slippery slope

FWIW I told my BMs they could chose any dress and any shoes so it would work for their specific tastes, body types, etc. but I do think OP raised any interesting point on why one thing is acceptable and another isn't.

The difference is, an unflattering dress may make me feel emotionally uncomfortable, a pair of bad shoes can fuck up my feet and legs for a week or more with blisters and my muscles being strained. For me, it's not the expense of the shoe that I care about, it's the comfort. I don't care if the bride pays for the shoes, if they aren't comfortable enough I won't wear them

FWIW, I don't personally believe in brides dictating a dress or any sort of uniform for their BP. I don't really believe in bridal parties to be honest.

dcbride86 · March 2015

daria24 said:

kvruns said:
I totally agree with the OP that it is strange that you can say wear this specific dress and the BM typically pay for their own yet if you say wear this specific shoe then the bride should pay. The logic that everyone's feet are different, some cant/don't wear heels or flats or vice versa can also be applied to dresses. Not every style works on every person. In a wedding last summer 2 girls said they wanted something with straps because strapless bras didn't work well for them. They ended up with one shoulder dresses and my friend ended up spending a lot of money to get a bra that would work for that dress and she was uncomfortable in that style of dress the whole night. One shoulder dresses didn't "work" for her in the same way 4 inch stilletos wouldn't "work" for me. As another PP said it is a slippery slope

FWIW I told my BMs they could chose any dress and any shoes so it would work for their specific tastes, body types, etc. but I do think OP raised any interesting point on why one thing is acceptable and another isn't.
The difference is, an unflattering dress may make me feel emotionally uncomfortable, a pair of bad shoes can fuck up my feet and legs for a week or more with blisters and my muscles being strained. For me, it's not the expense of the shoe that I care about, it's the comfort. I don't care if the bride pays for the shoes, if they aren't comfortable enough I won't wear them

FWIW, I don't personally believe in brides dictating a dress or any sort of uniform for their BP. I don't really believe in bridal parties to be honest.

This. Also, most brides who do dictate the dress will also take body types/comfort into account. I paid for my BM dresses, but I also gave them a few options so everyone would feel comfortable in their dresses, and asked them each individually (and privately) if they were comfortable in the styles I selected. If any of them had said no, I would have found another style. These are your guests of honor - their comfort should be pretty important to the bride

VulgarGirl · March 2015

I just can't wrap my head around the idea that a grown adult wouldn't know how to pick appropriate shoes.

Hm, I'm in a wedding, it's taking place in a church, I'm wear a tea-length maroon dress. Clearly I should wear....stripper heels? No wait...rainbow flip flops!

No, I'm a fucking adult, 3" black pumps will work well with this dress and I feel comfortable wearing them. Done. I can't believe any other adult would have to look at another adult and go "You're wearing a light blue dress, so you should wear lighter colored shoes" or "It's a formal wedding and you're wearing a formal dress, you should not wear flip flops". Grownups. Can. Handle. This.

redoryx · March 2015

daria24 said:
I totally agree with the OP that it is strange that you can say wear this specific dress and the BM typically pay for their own yet if you say wear this specific shoe then the bride should pay. The logic that everyone's feet are different, some cant/don't wear heels or flats or vice versa can also be applied to dresses. Not every style works on every person. In a wedding last summer 2 girls said they wanted something with straps because strapless bras didn't work well for them. They ended up with one shoulder dresses and my friend ended up spending a lot of money to get a bra that would work for that dress and she was uncomfortable in that style of dress the whole night. One shoulder dresses didn't "work" for her in the same way 4 inch stilletos wouldn't "work" for me. As another PP said it is a slippery slope

FWIW I told my BMs they could chose any dress and any shoes so it would work for their specific tastes, body types, etc. but I do think OP raised any interesting point on why one thing is acceptable and another isn't.

The difference is, an unflattering dress may make me feel emotionally uncomfortable, a pair of bad shoes can fuck up my feet and legs for a week or more with blisters and my muscles being strained. For me, it's not the expense of the shoe that I care about, it's the comfort. I don't care if the bride pays for the shoes, if they aren't comfortable enough I won't wear them

FWIW, I don't personally believe in brides dictating a dress or any sort of uniform for their BP. I don't really believe in bridal parties to be honest.

Yes. I currently have band aids all over my feet because a particular pair of shoes decided to hate me and give me blisters.

mikenberger · March 2015

I have been dictated 5" black heels with a black ankle strap. For a wedding on grass.

Yup. I totally told her where she could put her 5" black heels with the ankle strap. Then she "compromised" with black flats that have the string bow on the toes.

madamerwin · March 2015

sjf2715 said:
I'm curious if there is a difference between requesting, say mustard yellow peep toe slingbacks with a 3 inch heel vs "something light colored that is still dressy"?

I can totally see why the former would be not okay. I can't stand most strappy sandals, my wide feed spill out and I get major blisters.

I think it's fine to request shoes within a certain color range, but that's as far as I am going. I am asking my bridesmaids to wear black, knee-length(ish) dresses of their choosing, and shoes somewhere between nude and blush (I don't care what style).

Also, I don't think saying "dressy" is necessary, unless your BMs are so dense they will show up in sneakers or something.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

mikenberger said:
I have been dictated 5" black heels with a black ankle strap. For a wedding on grass.

Yup. I totally told her where she could put her 5" black heels with the ankle strap. Then she "compromised" with black flats that have the string bow on the toes.

Holy fuck that's specific.

What if it doesn't have a string bow? What if has a regular bow? What if it's on the heel? What if is no bow?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN!?!?

mikenberger · March 2015

MagicInk said:

mikenberger said:
I have been dictated 5" black heels with a black ankle strap. For a wedding on grass.

Yup. I totally told her where she could put her 5" black heels with the ankle strap. Then she "compromised" with black flats that have the string bow on the toes.
Holy fuck that's specific.

What if it doesn't have a string bow? What if has a regular bow? What if it's on the heel? What if is no bow?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN!?!?

They are the most orthopedic looking shoes on the planet. I sent her a shoe that had some overlapping on the toes, not the bow. "I really want your shoes to match mine." So now I have the best grandma shoes on the planet. Honestly, they're SUPER comfortable and I'll be in them all night, but they're the ugliest f'n shoes ever.

And I'm fairly certain her head will spin off.

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