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Wedding Woes
karinaesco24
member
FMIL wants to crash my bachelorette trip?!
Hi everyone! I could really use some help with my FMIL. Before I begin, I should preface this with the fact that we have a good relationship and have always had one since my fiancé and I started dating six years ago. Now that we are engaged, she is really excited (naturally, her first-born is getting married!) and has been a big help throughout my planning. (My mother was married in the Philippines and was sort of clueless when it came to wedding planning here in the US)
Now here's the part where she's driving me to drink:
A few months ago, my sister planned a wine tasting tour for my bachelorette party. The wine tasting was pretty much my idea because it was something she knew I always wanted to do. She invited my FMIL even though it was sort of odd to do so because my FMIL wouldn't stop talking about having a bachelorette party when we got engaged. Oddly enough, my FMIL declined saying that the trip was too expensive (it was $165 for the day with fees, transportation and lunch). Okay. We totally understood. She then proceeded to text me telling me that the trip was too expensive for her, that it was just a "limo ride and lunch" and then suggested that we go to Ocean City, MD for the weekend instead. I told her that I didn't want to do that and that I would see what everyone else's responses were. I was completely baffled by her response because she told me it was a bad idea and then suggested something that was way more expensive than my original plan. She basically made me feel like such crap. I also heard from my best friend that she was telling people that she felt bad that my fiancé's sister couldn't go, who by the way, is only 19 years old and would not be allowed to drink.
In the end, the wine tasting tour never happened because many of the people invited couldn't go. My sister felt bad and arranged a trip to Orlando this June instead for her, myself and my best friend. My FMIL gets word that we are going (my best friend is actually my fiancé's brother's girlfriend) and texts me to tell me that she and my fiancé's sister (the 19 year old) are crashing our trip to Orlando. I politely tell her that the trip is just a trip planned by my sister and just for the three of us. Apparently, she isn't getting the hint that she isn't invited because I am still hearing about her telling people she and my fiancé's sister are going to Orlando.
I really don't want her to go after she made me feel like such crap. How can I tell her that she is not invited without causing a world of drama? My fiancé refuses to get involved, my sister is ready to curse her out and my best friend and her boyfriend (my fiancé's brother) have already said something to her without any luck. Any help is greatly appreciated!
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Re: FMIL wants to crash my bachelorette trip?!
Here is the red flag: Your FI needs to be involved. He should be the one dealing with his mother, not you. I get that if she texts you directly, you text her back, but your FI needs to have your back. Does he normally roll over when there is any kind of conflict with his mother?
I'm also i2i with Heffa on this. Your FI's refusal to stand up for you is a massive red flag. Where do you draw the line? Just think of all of the other random events where MIL may awkwardly decide to barge in - your honeymoon, showing up unannounced at your house during sexytime; or while you are in the hospital giving birth to your first child do you want your MIL walking in while you're crowning and pooping on the table?
JIC
I hope you are prepared for a life of your FMIL budding in and not respecting boundaries.
Then your fi needs to take it upon himself to set up some boundaries with his mother. This is not for you to do.
She wants to go to Orlando with FSIL at the same time - GREAT!!!! Orlando is a HUGE place!!! Now, schedule your trip and STOP discussing details with her. This isn't a hill to die on! So plan to meet up some day and have FMIL plan a Chef's Table at Disney as a Bachelorette evening. Otherwise, do not discuss the rest of the details for the rest of the trip - REALLY.
Next, your FI - he considers this not a hill to die on nor why you wouldn't want your Mom involved. This is one of those things you bring up the discussion for your married life on boundaries. What happens when she wants her way into the delivery room when your first-born (should you choose to have kids) is on the way? These are real life discussions to have because it's not that you want to be anti-social, but this is a trip for your sister and best friend, that's a lot different than a Mother-in-law & SIL weekend. You aren't going to magically wave a fairy wand and this resolve itself, either way you're going to have drama whether you choose to create it or you put the squash on FMIL's plans. If she wants to go to Orlando, let her, she already knows she'd be overstepping, that's not to mean that you can't do your part and be quiet about the plans for the weekend...
karinaesco24 - glad that your H told his mom to back off. good communication on your part.