School and Wedding Planning- How did you all do it?

kmbay84 · March 2015

Hi wonderful knotties,

This might be more of a vent, but I am not sure. I am beyond stressed with grad school and wedding planning. Our wedding is in July (Holy crap!) and this semester is so much more stressful and intense than last semester. I feel like I can barely function as an adult and I am just scraping by. I tend to accumulate things emotionally and then my emotions come out at the most inopportune time. My poor fiancé. He has been helping with as much of the wedding stuff that he can and has definitely been my shoulder to lean and cry on, which has been quite a few times lately. I feel like I am falling apart. How did you all do it?

Thanks for reading this!

allispain · March 2015

I get it. I defended my dissertation 6 weeks before we got married, while also teaching 6 credits per semester and looking for a job. Stress central.

What worked best for me was 2 things. A) I did all of the big stuff (booking venue and caterer, gown shopping, etc.) the summer before our June wedding, so I "only" had details to worry about during the school year itself.

I scheduled my life. Days X and Y were for everything teaching related. Days U and V were for dissertation. Day Z was for wedding planning. Etc.

I was also lucky to have another good friend who was in the same boat - also dissertating and wedding planning at the same time. So we helped each other in terms of moral support throughout.

My biggest piece of advice is to take it all in stride. Rely on your FI as much as you can to help with wedding stuff and also for moral support with your grad program. And come to us to vent :-)

kmbay84 · March 2015

Aww...thanks @allispain! Wow, kudos to you! That is quite a big accomplishment! You sound like you had more on your plate than I do, and I am freaking out haha.

Yeah, we have the big stuff out of the way and now it's just the little details. Good idea about scheduling your days! Thank you! I definitely have relied on my FI for help with wedding planning and moral support. In fact, he has taken on some of the big things himself!

Thanks again for the encouragement and support! It's greatly appreciated!

Blergbot · March 2015

Last semester I was pregnant, planning a wedding (I guess I had done most of the planning in the spring semester, actually, but I was tying up loose ends and making it all come together), having said wedding, buying a house and in my last semester of grad school. I taught six credits and took three. Was it my best semester ever? No. Did I give my students my all? No. But did I get it done and have a positive semester? Yes. It's all possible.

Remember to prioritize. The wedding was just one day, the semester was just a semester, the house will be years of our lives and the baby is for life.

ETA: I have no idea how I did it, but you can do it, too!

novella1186 · March 2015

I had to get super super super good at scheduling my time. If that meant writing out an hour-by-hour schedule and setting alarms on my phone, that's what I would do.

So for example, I would get home from work at 5:30.

I would work on my paper for x class from 5:30 till exactly 6:30.

I would then take a break from 6:30 till 7 to research venues.

7-7:20 was time to eat dinner.

7:20-7:30 was get up and stretch my legs.

7:30- 8:30 study for stats exam

and so on, until the minute I went to bed.

If there was something wedding-related my mom could do (like gathering addresses, choosing dessert platters, etc) I would delegate to her. FI helped a ton.

Any time I could sneak in extra stuff (like contacting florists and researching types of flowers I liked during slow time at my office) I would do that. E-mail the DJ during breaks between classes. Look up first dance song options during the boring lecture I'm tuning out anyway.

And don't forget to take a minute for yourself, too. When you start to feel overwhelmed, put your homework/wedding stuff down and walk away for at least a few minutes.

I definitely understand the stress. I did a lot of crying and drinking towards the end of grad school, but I survived!

maeday2 · March 2015

I've taken on the motto, "I have too much to do to be stressed,"

Just take it one task at a time. Don't overstretch yourself. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it.

I totally get the emotional basket case. I am currently working full time (and it's been crazy lately), wedding planning (42 days, holy shit), packing to move to another state, job hunting, and buying a house. It's a lot of shit, but life doesn't slow down for weddings.

Just take a deep breath and be thankful for your supportive FI. That's all the difference.

Someone at work told me the other day, "It'll all get done. Try to enjoy it." Passing that on to you.

buttercup1958 · March 2015

I also suggest planning your days out. I swear by using an actual planner. I know everything is technology based but I feel like it's less stress if you write evrything down. So you know for sure you won't forget anything. Plus it feels so great to cross out things!

novella1186 · March 2015

buttercup1958 said:
I also suggest planning your days out. I swear by using an actual planner. I know everything is technology based but I feel like it's less stress if you write evrything down. So you know for sure you won't forget anything. Plus it feels so great to cross out things!

100% agree with this! I wrote it all out by hand. People tease me about still using a paper planner/calendar but it just works for me.

And yes, crossing stuff off is so satisfying.

minttobemrsb · March 2015

novella1186 said:

buttercup1958 said:
I also suggest planning your days out. I swear by using an actual planner. I know everything is technology based but I feel like it's less stress if you write evrything down. So you know for sure you won't forget anything. Plus it feels so great to cross out things!
100% agree with this! I wrote it all out by hand. People tease me about still using a paper planner/calendar but it just works for me.

And yes, crossing stuff off is so satisfying.

Ditto all of this!! People laugh because I don't just "put it in my phone like everyone else"

@kmbay84 I feel your pain right now. I am finishing my masters (thesis and all), planning a wedding in May, job hunting, and looking for a house in another state.

I try to get as many school related things done ahead of time that I can. Then I don't feel overwhelmed trying to tend to wedding plans. Also, I've used all of my breaks as wedding only time. I recently went home for spring break and crammed a dress fitting, a bridesmaid fitting appt, dress shopping with my mother and grandmother, shopping for gifts for my BMs, and addressing & stuffing all of my invitations. Was it a lot? You bet! Was it fun? Mostly (not the addressing). Now I am back in classes and all of my focus is on that for awhile.

I was very lucky and had tons of support. My FI has sat at the table for hours looking at pictures with me and stuffing envelopes. My MIL has called and emailed around for missing addresses. My mom has offered to help in any way she can, even if there was nothing to do.

You'll get through it and look back trying to figure out how the hell you did it all. Plus, it will be so worth it in the end. You've got this

VulgarGirl · March 2015

Vodka.

novella1186 · March 2015

MagicInk said:
Vodka.

My classmates, professors, and the dean all called me "Vodka Girl" by the end of the program. When I got engaged, my classmates sent me a bottle of vodka. Win.

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

I worked 40 hour weeks and completed a master's degree, as did my husband, while we planned our wedding.

- Long engagement

- Checklists and deadlines

- Kept the wedding simple; i.e. all inclusive venue meant much less to coordinate and fewer vendors to deal with

- Made plans to plan; i.e. "This Saturday let's give ourselves a few hours to figure out all the music."

Seriously, people would be all, "How do you do it??" but I really, truly don't think it was hard. At all. I'm not trying to belittle everyone else's experiences but you're planning a one day party that just lasts a few hours. School, frankly, is far more important. Perspective, priorities.

I work in higher ed and I've seen students blow their grades because they were planning a wedding. If that happens, priorities are way out of whack. You're paying good money per credit (plus interest if using loans) and going on academic probation or being dismissed is NOT worth it over your wedding. I've seen it happen and it disgusts me.

JCbride2015 · March 2015

thisismynickname said:
I worked 40 hour weeks and completed a master's degree, as did my husband, while we planned our wedding.
- Long engagement
- Checklists and deadlines
- Kept the wedding simple; i.e. all inclusive venue meant much less to coordinate and fewer vendors to deal with
- Made plans to plan; i.e. "This Saturday let's give ourselves a few hours to figure out all the music."

Seriously, people would be all, "How do you do it??" but I really, truly don't think it was hard. At all. I'm not trying to belittle everyone else's experiences but you're planning a one day party that just lasts a few hours. School, frankly, is far more important. Perspective, priorities.
I work in higher ed and I've seen students blow their grades because they were planning a wedding. If that happens, priorities are way out of whack. You're paying good money per credit (plus interest if using loans) and going on academic probation or being dismissed is NOT worth it over your wedding. I've seen it happen and it disgusts me.

This. We got engaged in my second year of law school, just after I transferred from a good but far-away school to one of the most demanding programs in the country. Just a few weeks later, we lost our apartment and half our belongings in Hurricane Sandy. Stress City, population us. The wedding went entirely on the back burner. Compared with getting our lives back together and trying to keep my grades up at a new school, the wedding was not a priority.

Last summer I interned at the firm where I now work. We used that money to kick start our planning by reserving a venue, photographer, and all our music. I planned what I could during that time because it was really my last "free" summer. We didn't put down any deposits we couldn't afford to lose, but I bet on myself that I'd get this job and be able to keep our fairly high-end wedding plans. If I hadn't gotten this offer, we could have backed out on our venue deposit and done something smaller, and it would have been fine. I would have been far more upset about the job than the wedding.

The best thing I did that is now saving me so many headaches during my first year at the firm (so much more stressful than school, at least for me) was to choose a fairly all-inclusive venue that I don't feel needs a lot of DIY decor. We went with minimal flowers and basically nothing else. Eliminating the DIY aspect (either by paying to outsource it, or just not caring as much about decor) is really important if you don't have a lot of time and patience for wedding projects.

Bubblegum5586 · March 2015

I wasn't in school but had entered into a new sales jobs 6 months before my wedding at the Arena in my city. The arena was undergoing a $23 million renovation set to reopen the day after we got back from the honeymoon. So I needed everything done on my side before I left for the wedding (corporate sponsorship including; arena advertising, branding spaces and luxury seating - 4 new suites were built as part of the renovation that needed to be sold). It was crazy stressful to the point of having panic attacks. So I looked online for tips to over come a panic attack and I wrote them on a sticky note that is STILL stuck to my computer 18 months later

Step 1 - Relax - Take deep breaths

Step 2 - Stop negative thinking - Yell "STOP" in your head

Step 3 - Use coping Statements - "I am fine, everything is fine"

Step 4 - Accept/validate your feelings - "I am going through a stressful time/ there is a lot on my plate"

It takes three minutes for your adrenal glands to fill your body with the adrenaline response. It also only takes three minutes for your body to stop the adrenaline reaction. If you stop a panic attack as soon as it starts, the reaction only has to last for three minutes.

lovesclimbing · March 2015

My mom helped me. Beyond that, I have no tips of what to do. I just did it. No scheduling time in, no alcohol, no panicking, no nothing. Wedding planning and school had to get done, so I got it done.

FiancB · March 2015

I was in school only part time, but was also applying to nursing school, working, and planning a move.

I agree with keeping it simple. It was super important to us that we find an all inclusive sort of place. Country clubs are great for this. I wanted a venue that included catering- no way was I going to look for a caterer on top of everything else, let alone pick a place where I'd also have to rent chairs and dishes and things like that.

I also had to accept that certain things weren't a priority. There were a lot of DIY projects I would have liked to have taken on but didn't. I also accepted that I didn't have as much time to study as I would have liked, and wound up getting a B in an extremely difficult A&P class. Good enough. That will be your mantra- good enough.

We also ended up replanning our wedding about 4 months out. We went to a wedding expo and that was super helpful- we found our DJ, photographer, and bakery all in one day and at a discount.

ashley8918 · March 2015

lovesclimbing said:
My mom helped me. Beyond that, I have no tips of what to do. I just did it. No scheduling time in, no alcohol, no panicking, no nothing. Wedding planning and school had to get done, so I got it done.

Same. I worked full time, went to school full time, and was a full time mom.

I just did it. I really don't understand the question. It's not rocket science.

JennyColada · March 2015

Well, I had a small wedding, so there wasn't a lot to plan.

But a week before I got married, my boss wanted to send me out of town for a training, which was ALSO smack during my midterm week (which meant that I'd have to commute ~3 hours each way to take said midterms).

I ended up just telling my boss "lol nope"

Prioritizing definitely is key. While I don't have a wedding to plan this semester, I was lucky in that my teachers gave us an outline of all due dates of all homework assignments, so I was able to get a lot of it done in chunks (We are in Week 6 and I'm done with my homework up to Week 8!). This allows me to relax during some busier weeks so long as I cram during slower weeks. But it also means that I can't allow myself too many truly "free" weeks (since if I'm sitting around I just feel like that time would be more productive doing extra homework).

kmbay84 · March 2015

Thanks you all! I guess I was just having a fleeting moment of panic, so I apologize if the question was random or silly. We are definitely keeping it simple since I don't care about decorations, flowers, etc. My mom is taking care of the centerpieces and that is pretty much the most creative thing we are doing, which is not very creative at all.

I have also learned the good enough mantra while in grad school!

Thanks for all your great tips!

phira · March 2015

Chiming in (I'm a 4th year doctoral student):

1) Have a schedule and stick to it.

2) Forget anything that's not necessary. We ditched table names (used the numbers the venue used), fancy guestbook ideas, corsages, and so many other things that I honestly don't even remember because we went without.

3) Ask for help. My mom came over and helped me make flowers; my father-in-law helped build the chuppah.

4) Have your partner take on as much as possible. This is easier said than done, and one consistent source of conflict for me and my husband was that I needed him to take on decision-making, and I needed him to be the contact person for vendors. Because I was the contact for all the vendors, I ended up having a lot more responsibility with planning than he did, and it was really difficult. So yeah--your future spouse should take on as much as they can as the point person. That doesn't mean you can't plan. It just means that you shouldn't be in charge.

School and Wedding Planning- How did you all do it?

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