My grandfather died, yesterday, of Alzheimer's. I hadn't talked to him since I was 12 because my grandma is just BSC. I have been feeling guilty, all week because my grandpa was a really sweet guy, he was just with a terrible, terrible woman.
My grandmother has always been in and out of my mother's life (and her grandchildren's), because she constantly makes ultimatums. My grandma had stopped talking to us for several years, and we started talking to her once more. I came for a visit with my mom and sisters, and my little sister (6 yrs old at the time) walked in on my cousin (4 at the time) getting a bath from my grandma. My grandma started screaming a list of profanities. Calling my little sister a pedophile. That was it, I was done. She always called her grandchildren cunts and bastards (depending on the gender). I always thought I did something wrong to deserve it. My little sister was so young, it showed me no one deserved those names, and my grandmother was just a cruel, hateful person. I felt bad that I had to say goodbye to my grandpa, though.
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I always felt I should go see him, but my grandmother was always with him. It got to the point that my long absence would only confuse him, so I stopped entertaining the notion of visiting him. He died, yesterday. And you would think his death would be a very somber time... and you'd be wrong. My grandmother is mad at all of her children and is prohibiting any of them from going to his funeral. She prohibited them from seeing him when he was dying at hospice. My mother traveled out there; she is disabled so traveling is really hard on her. She has been staying in her parent's town for almost two weeks, and she won't even be able to say goodbye. My heart is breaking for my mom. I wish there was something I could do for her.
I know it's a terrible thing to think, but I think my grandma is just jealous of my grandfather. She knows he was loved and he will be missed. When her time comes, for all the damage she has done, no one will mourn her passing, and I think that is why she is lashing out, once again. I just don't understand how a parent can hate their children as much as she does.
I just hope my grandpa knows how much he was loved, despite all of my grandma's meddling. I don't even know what to say to my mother to help her through all of this.
Re: How are some people so mean?
I have lots of thoughts and hugs for you.
I also thought the same thing as Katie, that if the funeral is in a church, she can't stop anyone from coming to it. It might cause a scene though, depending on how BSC your grandmother is. I'm so so sorry you are dealing with the crazy on top of the grief. One other thing you could do would be similar to what a PP suggested. Have a private wake for your grandfather with your mom and siblings. Then go visit his grave. That's what my coworker's family did when there was a family rift and attending the funeral together wasn't feasible. It wasn't the most ideal, but it helped her process and grieve the loss of her mother.
Sending you comforting thoughts and hugs.