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Wedding 911

Future In-laws help! :(

I am looking for some outside perspective, maybe some advice. I see a lot of posts about future sister-in-laws causing crazy drama along with future mother-in-laws. I'm hoping someone can help me through all this stress. I will try to keep it short.

When I first became engaged, my fiancé's family was super excited. When I decided to ask my future sister-in-law to be in the wedding she said yes. I also asked her daughter (fiancé's niece) to be a junior bridesmaid since she will be 8 almost 9 at the time of our wedding. Her mother said yes. That same night my future brother-in-law, my fiancé's brother, came home and called up my fiancé and demanded he walk with his wife. When we tried to explain we felt he should walk with his daughter so she wasn't uncomfortable (the brother was not asked to even be in the wedding at this point) he said he HAD to walk with his wife or they couldn't be in it at all. So my fiancé said fine don't be in it. They backed out. We were fine with it but then I get all these text messages from his wife, my FSIL, saying that she's super sorry and this continued for months until it started in on they have their "convictions" or their "beliefs" and that is why they insisted on walking together. Not really sure what she was trying to say about my fiancé and I with that. Eventually she started telling me that my fiancé's other niece who was a premie was too "underdeveloped" to be the flower girl, like I was going to chose her daughter instead or something? When I started talking to my fiancé's other sister-in-law I learned there was a lot of things said about me and about her that we didn't realize were untrue from the other SIL. She has gone as far as calling me a drunk/lush when I have maybe once every two months one glass of wine, try to control our day in more ways than one and going out of her way to look up how much our wedding is costing. After everything that had been done I don't think I can stomach having her around at all but I am leaving that choice up to my fiancé as it is his family.

Recently, we told my FMIL that the rehearsal dinner was not going to be at her house 30 minutes away from the church but at a more centralized location that is convenient for everyone. She now is asking other family members if she is "supposed" to go to the dinner because she isn't sure. She also agreed to go to get her hair and nails done the day of my wedding with the FSIL that is causing so much drama because the FSIL asked her to after asking me what was going on that day. When I replied I wasn't sure yet because it was so far out she immediately asked my FMIL to go with her. 

This is only the tip of the iceberg of the drama fest that has been going on around me. I have already spent 3 months when I was first engaged ignoring phone calls from his family because of everything that went on and all of the attacks on my fiancé and I for trying to include everyone but wouldn't cave to give others what they wanted. It's coming to the point of do I let my fiancé say something because then the entire situation will go up in flames or ignore it and just deal with it? I am at my wits end with this. Not sure how much more I can handle or keep my mouth shut on but I don't want to be that person either that just explodes. 

If there is anyone that has dealt with this for their wedding and has lived through it... does it turn out bearable in the end with your in-laws? How did you handle crazy controlling in-laws that want to plan your whole day for you? And when you don't let them they try to sabotage plans you did make or hadn't had the chance to make yet or just resort to throwing a pity party? or just act like they don't want to come when it's not done their way? Any help, insight, advice... 

Re: Future In-laws help! :(

  • Elope. JK, mostly.

    In truth, why is your FI not handling his family? He needs to be. Also, bean dip.
    MesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Elope. JK, mostly.


    In truth, why is your FI not handling his family? He needs to be. Also, bean dip.
    100%.
    MesmrEwe
  • kkcc2015kkcc2015 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2015

    I am looking for some outside perspective, maybe some advice. I see a lot of posts about future sister-in-laws causing crazy drama along with future mother-in-laws. I'm hoping someone can help me through all this stress. I will try to keep it short.


    When I first became engaged, my fiancé's family was super excited. When I decided to ask my future sister-in-law to be in the wedding she said yes. I also asked her daughter (fiancé's niece) to be a junior bridesmaid since she will be 8 almost 9 at the time of our wedding. Her mother said yes. That same night my future brother-in-law, my fiancé's brother, came home and called up my fiancé and demanded he walk with his wife. When we tried to explain we felt he should walk with his daughter so she wasn't uncomfortable (the brother was not asked to even be in the wedding at this point) he said he HAD to walk with his wife or they couldn't be in it at all. So my fiancé said fine don't be in it. They backed out. We were fine with it but then I get all these text messages from his wife, my FSIL, saying that she's super sorry and this continued for months until it started in on they have their "convictions" or their "beliefs" and that is why they insisted on walking together. Not really sure what she was trying to say about my fiancé and I with that. Eventually she started telling me that my fiancé's other niece who was a premie was too "underdeveloped" to be the flower girl, like I was going to chose her daughter instead or something? When I started talking to my fiancé's other sister-in-law I learned there was a lot of things said about me and about her that we didn't realize were untrue from the other SIL. She has gone as far as calling me a drunk/lush when I have maybe once every two months one glass of wine, try to control our day in more ways than one and going out of her way to look up how much our wedding is costing. After everything that had been done I don't think I can stomach having her around at all but I am leaving that choice up to my fiancé as it is his family.

    Recently, we told my FMIL that the rehearsal dinner was not going to be at her house 30 minutes away from the church but at a more centralized location that is convenient for everyone. She now is asking other family members if she is "supposed" to go to the dinner because she isn't sure. She also agreed to go to get her hair and nails done the day of my wedding with the FSIL that is causing so much drama because the FSIL asked her to after asking me what was going on that day. When I replied I wasn't sure yet because it was so far out she immediately asked my FMIL to go with her. 

    This is only the tip of the iceberg of the drama fest that has been going on around me. I have already spent 3 months when I was first engaged ignoring phone calls from his family because of everything that went on and all of the attacks on my fiancé and I for trying to include everyone but wouldn't cave to give others what they wanted. It's coming to the point of do I let my fiancé say something because then the entire situation will go up in flames or ignore it and just deal with it? I am at my wits end with this. Not sure how much more I can handle or keep my mouth shut on but I don't want to be that person either that just explodes. 

    If there is anyone that has dealt with this for their wedding and has lived through it... does it turn out bearable in the end with your in-laws? How did you handle crazy controlling in-laws that want to plan your whole day for you? And when you don't let them they try to sabotage plans you did make or hadn't had the chance to make yet or just resort to throwing a pity party? or just act like they don't want to come when it's not done their way? Any help, insight, advice... 
    I would probably ignore FSIL and her family-although FBIL sounds crazy controlling. Your fiancé should be dealing with them, if at all. Focus on your wedding, and your fiancé. Unless FMIL is paying, skip around wedding talk with her too. Don't feed the drama llama :)

    ETA: if your FMIL skips the rehearsal dinner, so be it. Less drama for you to deal with. Same thing with FSIL/FMIL getting their nails done together-let it be. They don't sound like the kind of people you want to be spending extra time with around your wedding day anyway.
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    FBIL sounds like a controlling ass. 
    image
    MesmrEwe
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Stop sharing any plans with them other than times, dates and locations.  FBIL sounds like an ass.  Everyone is acting like children.  If they try to talk to you about the wedding, change the subject.  Your FI needs to be shutting down his family.  Boundaries are your friend.


    image
  • Thank you everyone! Things were looking up. Staying away from all the drama until details of the shower rolled around. I don't like to be center of attention so a shower doesn't seem that fun to me. My FI's aunts are throwing it and I requested a joint shower which everyone was fine with until my FSIL was requested by my FMIL to decorate the shower. I was disgusted at first but decided to let it go until she started texting me what I wanted, what I thought about this and that until I finally told her that I was really busy with my wedding plans and if help was needed to ask my sisters (MOH and BM) or my mother to help out or even the other FSIL who is a BM. Instead I got a "I was just trying to be nice, I won't help with it at all if you want them to do it instead that's fine... don't even invite me just invite FMIL" ................................................. AHHHHH Does it ever end? Btw my FI should be stepping in but when it comes to his family he tends to just explode on them (it's extremely difficult not to) but I don't feel that will be very conducive to wedding planning at this moment as I have to go to two other showers on his side and two weddings before my own. Very uncomfortable for me I would think.
  • Thank you everyone! Things were looking up. Staying away from all the drama until details of the shower rolled around. I don't like to be center of attention so a shower doesn't seem that fun to me. My FI's aunts are throwing it and I requested a joint shower which everyone was fine with until my FSIL was requested by my FMIL to decorate the shower. I was disgusted at first but decided to let it go until she started texting me what I wanted, what I thought about this and that until I finally told her that I was really busy with my wedding plans and if help was needed to ask my sisters (MOH and BM) or my mother to help out or even the other FSIL who is a BM. Instead I got a "I was just trying to be nice, I won't help with it at all if you want them to do it instead that's fine... don't even invite me just invite FMIL" ................................................. AHHHHH Does it ever end? Btw my FI should be stepping in but when it comes to his family he tends to just explode on them (it's extremely difficult not to) but I don't feel that will be very conducive to wedding planning at this moment as I have to go to two other showers on his side and two weddings before my own. Very uncomfortable for me I would think.

    Stop bleeping texting things!!!!  Pick up the darn phone!  I know it's not convenient and they can be annoying, but the meaning of your reply and the interpretation she made are not the same.  She misunderstood, call and say "NO, what I meant is, as the bride I am honored that they are throwing me a shower, as such, with all of the wedding details to attend to, I am so happy to be able to have the shower being thrown for me thus would enjoy not having to manage the detail myself so was recommending individuals who may also be able to help you come up with ideas that you all think will work best!"...
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:

    Thank you everyone! Things were looking up. Staying away from all the drama until details of the shower rolled around. I don't like to be center of attention so a shower doesn't seem that fun to me. My FI's aunts are throwing it and I requested a joint shower which everyone was fine with until my FSIL was requested by my FMIL to decorate the shower. I was disgusted at first but decided to let it go until she started texting me what I wanted, what I thought about this and that until I finally told her that I was really busy with my wedding plans and if help was needed to ask my sisters (MOH and BM) or my mother to help out or even the other FSIL who is a BM. Instead I got a "I was just trying to be nice, I won't help with it at all if you want them to do it instead that's fine... don't even invite me just invite FMIL" ................................................. AHHHHH Does it ever end? Btw my FI should be stepping in but when it comes to his family he tends to just explode on them (it's extremely difficult not to) but I don't feel that will be very conducive to wedding planning at this moment as I have to go to two other showers on his side and two weddings before my own. Very uncomfortable for me I would think.

    Stop bleeping texting things!!!!  Pick up the darn phone!  I know it's not convenient and they can be annoying, but the meaning of your reply and the interpretation she made are not the same.  She misunderstood, call and say "NO, what I meant is, as the bride I am honored that they are throwing me a shower, as such, with all of the wedding details to attend to, I am so happy to be able to have the shower being thrown for me thus would enjoy not having to manage the detail myself so was recommending individuals who may also be able to help you come up with ideas that you all think will work best!"...
    Actually OPs first response to her FSIL texts about the shower decorations should have been "I think whatever you decide to go with will be beautiful.  Thank you for doing this."

    But OP, I agree that the texting needs to stop.  Without tone, people can take what you write and twist it to make it seem like you are being a bitch.  So stop texting your FSIL.  You should call her up and apologize if your text came off as wrong and snippy.  Tell her that you do appreciate her taking on the task of decorating your shower and that whatever she decides to do you know will be lovely.  Don't mention anything about the fact that you are busy with your wedding because really you shouldn't be having any input on your shower anyways.

    OliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
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