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Second Weddings
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[Deleted User]
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How do I DO this?
Hi everyone! I almost can't believe the whirlwind the last 18 months of my life have been. I'm newly engaged (no actual ring yet,we're shopping for it together - his idea) for the second time (his first). So here's pretty much how this goes - October 2013 ex husband cheats and walked out, December 2013 we divorce (we're both lawyers so it was super fast for us). September 2014 - Meet FI. Just this weekend (March 2015) - decide to marry. There are no children for either of us.
First of all - thank you SO MUCH for the "It's Normal" link out of the welcome section. I feel like it covers SO MUCH of what I'm going through, but I also feel like there's this huge flood of additional questions and anxieties. I was hoping jotting down what's going through my head at the moment might give us gals a chance to share several of these concerns at once. I know I'd appreciate the input.
QUESTIONS:
Is it too fast? Less than 18 months ago I would have sworn I would never marry again. Now I'm engaged just a little after six months of meeting someone - I doesn't feel fast to me except for when I look back at where I was? Did any of you have such drastic changes? I've noticed in other postings that it tended to be a long time after divorce before people met their seconds (or thirds!) and tended to be longer dating histories before engagement. What do you guys think?
I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it?
I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to. What are the rules on this?
Do I have to wear a short or not white dress?
Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding? Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right?
Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this?
And with all of these sorts of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want! It's okay! It's all about the two of you! Forget everyone else! and then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about all of those things?
Thanks girls!!!
First of all - thank you SO MUCH for the "It's Normal" link out of the welcome section. I feel like it covers SO MUCH of what I'm going through, but I also feel like there's this huge flood of additional questions and anxieties. I was hoping jotting down what's going through my head at the moment might give us gals a chance to share several of these concerns at once. I know I'd appreciate the input.
QUESTIONS:
Is it too fast? Less than 18 months ago I would have sworn I would never marry again. Now I'm engaged just a little after six months of meeting someone - I doesn't feel fast to me except for when I look back at where I was? Did any of you have such drastic changes? I've noticed in other postings that it tended to be a long time after divorce before people met their seconds (or thirds!) and tended to be longer dating histories before engagement. What do you guys think?
I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it?
I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to. What are the rules on this?
Do I have to wear a short or not white dress?
Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding? Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right?
Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this?
And with all of these sorts of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want! It's okay! It's all about the two of you! Forget everyone else! and then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about all of those things?
Thanks girls!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How do I DO this?
My story: I got married in 2005, divorced March 2013. Dated one person during separation and after divorce, that relationship ended in September 2013. Met FI in October 2013 and we were engaged in October 2014 with a July 2015 wedding. We knew right away it was right for us. My FI has a son so we waited a while before getting engaged but we knew in a couple of months that we were perfect for each other. I don't really care what other people think, I'm sure many people think it's too fast, but we are happy and that is all that matters to us.
I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it? No showers or parties for us... we have everything we need.
I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to. What are the rules on this? We did register, but just because FI stated that his family only gives gifts and if we don't register we'll end up with a lot of stuff we don't need.
Do I have to wear a short or not white dress? Wear what makes you feel beautiful, if you want a white wedding dress do for it!
Did anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding? Is it wrong to want a major celebration for the one that feels right? My second wedding while it is not large, is much bigger than my first, I totally understand the sentiment. We went from thinking of eloping to a 40-50 person affair in a museum and it feels right to us. So again if you want big and can afford to go big, then by all means go big.
Does anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you feel like you have to be hiding this? Nope, too old and experienced to let others influence our wedding, and we are paying for it ourselves, so there's that.
Second marriage etiquette is not much different from a first marriage. You can wear whatever you want, and that includes a traditional white wedding dress. Veils are fine, though the blusher veil that covers the face is not usually worn. Showers are not expected. The bride is escorted down the aisle, but not usually "given away" during the ceremony. Many modern brides dislike this and skip it, anyway.
Relax and plan the wedding you really want...and, congratulations!
I had a very emotional divorce (included a restraining order), and in California it takes at least 6 months to finalize the divorce. I left my ex 2/2013, officially divorced (after the mandatory 6 month waiting period) 8/2013, and then I met my FI end of September 2013. In between leaving my ex and meeting my FI I've dated, played the field, and just had fun. When I met FI, and really when I woke up next to him the following morning, I didn't have an urge to get him out the door so that I can go on with my day. I knew he was "the one". We got engaged a year later. It's such an elated feeling to find that person who just feels "right" for you, someone that doesn't complete you, but complements you. Someone who you want to come home to. So congratulations to you and may the two of you be ever so happy together!!
As for your questions:
Is it too fast? No, do what feels right, and just make sure before you take that step that you truly are ready and happy. It seems that you are, so go for it, do it, have fun.
I'm leaning towards no showers/mini-parties - that seems common for second timers, is it? No idea. I kind of hate the idea of them, but do want to have a small pre-wedding party for everyone (guys and gals) to go out and have fun (which in my case will include a nice lunch and maybe a blues bar or something, nothing crazy).
I don't think it's appropriate for me to register, but he'd like to. What are the rules on this? It depends on what you two need I think. I didn't register for my first, and because I am russian, my family doesn't do registries (we gift money to the newlyweds - helps cover some of the costs).
Do I have to wear a short or not white dress? No, unless you'd like to. I don't like long dresses, and I hate poofy dresses. I'm making my own wedding dress for the upcoming wedding (a 50s style knee length - white/off white, with a light blue petticoat and lace details).
Did
anyone do a really big wedding for their second wedding? Is it wrong
to want a major celebration for the one that feels right? Nothing wrong with that at all. FI and I are planning a wedding for 80 people tops, with BBQ food for the reception.
Does
anyone feel pushed into doing a (what I'm sure would still be beautiful
and great if you want it) small, intimate wedding mainly because you
feel like you have to be hiding this? No. If anyone is pushing you to do something you don't want, you should keep them at arm's length, don't discuss your wedding with them. It's your and FI's wedding, not theirs. Just, no. F that.
And with all of these sorts
of questions.... is anyone else struggling with the fact that as they
read through others' postings feeling like, hey, do whatever you want!
It's okay! It's all about the two of you! Forget everyone else! and
then when it comes to their own feeling like you DO have to worry about
all of those things? Kind of. Picking a reception and date has been stressful. We'll be doing a Friday wedding in a city between both our cities, and my mom is giving me a hard time about why can't it be Saturday, and how will people get there, people don't know where it is, why can't it be in SF, people may not be able to take the day off, blah blah. The way I see it is this way: if they want to make it and can, that's awesome. If they can't make it, we get it, they'll be missed, but life goes on. Most will take the time off and come to the wedding, because it's a celebration. At the end of the day, I don't want to be surrounded by haters, those who gossip, and just negative people (learned that from first marriage), and want to be surrounded by those who love us and want to celebrate with us. Also, it'll cut the catering cost down. It also helps to have your FI support your feelings with this, or both of you come to reasonable compromises regarding some of the decisions.
Here is my story. I married way too young and was married for 10 years. I have 3 kids with my ex. My fiance was married for 2 years and had no children. So second marriage for us both.
And a huge surprise haha, a week or two after he proposed to me I found out we are expecting a baby *ahhh!!* lol.
We've went back and forth with how we wanted to get married and finally decided. We went from eloping by ourselves to a huge wedding with a ton of people. What we decided on is this. We booked a small venue that only holds 28 people and only does the ceremony part. It's really pretty and seems like an easy and simple way to do it. We are inviting our family and close friend to attend. After the ceremony we are going out to a nice dinner with everyone. Then we are spending the weekend out of town for Halloween (wedding is Oct 30th) and plan on going out with friends and just having a blast all weekend.
This works for us because we both have demanding jobs with tight schedules. We already live together and are going to have a newborn baby. I personally don't want to spend a million dollars on the "traditional" wedding. I will have everything I need, my family/friends, and quality time with the man I want to spend my life with.
I won't be setting up a registry due to the fact that we already live together. I did tell people that if they insist on getting something to just give us money to put together for a cruise we want to go on. I'm also planning on buying a gorgeous dress.
It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it will work perfect for us. You do exactly what you want to do! It doesn't matter if you've been here before or not.