Children Invited

willthiswork · March 2015

This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

maeday2 · March 2015

You feel better now?

thisismynickname2 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

Hey, rant away. To the highlighted, that would bug me too. Most people I know have child-free weddings, with people happy to find babysitters, and if there are children it's just a handful from an immediate circle.

This is a good place to get up in arms over things, but put on a happy face to your friends and family in real life! Repeat after us: "We couldn't invite everyone, and if you can't make it, we'll miss you."

mikenberger · March 2015

redoryx · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

I just wanted to say that maybe it's because I come from a big family (ie: lots of cousins and kids) but weddings can be VERY child friendly, even with all the drinking that can sometimes come with a wedding.

That being said, it's totally fine to not invite children to your wedding and your friends are being the rude ones by asking or insisting.

poodledoodleooo · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

I get it, I really do, but I'm just gonna go out there and say that most weddings in my circle are very family oriented and kid friendly. I don't think I've ever been to a single child-free wedding. Not saying you should invite kids - that is your decision, own it.

To the bolded - at least they are asking ahead of time instead of just bringing little sue and joe to the event. Hope you feel better!

ashley8918 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

Um, because they are my children and I want them with me? There is nothing about a wedding that makes it inherently not good for children. 1-2 hour sit-down dinner? Yeah, it's not going to take 2 hours. But even if it does, my children are perfectly capable of... sitting down and eating dinner. MAGICALLY, they do it every night! Loud music? Yeah? What is your point? Why would this be a problem? Drinking adults? So? Are children not allowed to see people drinking? Hell they see it at my house all the time. As long as the parent is able to take care of them, who the fuck cares?

You absolutely do not have to invite children, but hinting at poor parenting by people who choose to bring children to weddings to which they are invited is really shitty.

KatWAG · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

Why would anyone want to bring their kids to a wedding? Seriously? Some parents actually like their kids and want to spend time with them. I work, so my weekends are when I get quality time with my son.

It is perfectly fine to have a kid-free wedding. I did also. Just say " I am sorry but we cant accommodate Lil' Timmy. Hope you can still make it!" It really isn't that hard.

willthiswork · March 2015

It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

lovegood90 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

For sure that's annoying. Just keep standing your ground and know you're doing nothing wrong.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

Some people have more kid friendly weddings. Not every single wedding is exactly the same.

Mine wasn't super kid friendly, but moderately kid friendly (there were only 2 kids there). But my best friend's wedding was totally kid friendly. It was more casual, not very long, family friendly music was played, she had like 10-ish kids at her wedding.

maeday2 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

You could always do the hokey pokey. I hear it's a real crowd pleaser.

redoryx · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

Does that mean they are planning on bringing Little Timmy anyway?

mikenberger · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

They're being assholes/shitty people, not you.

KatWAG · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

Then you have some shitty friends. But it sounds like you already know that.

I would push back again and tell them that it would be problem since you wont have a meal or a seat for the kids.

ETA: you could go so far as to hire security if you really feel stongly about not having kids.

banana468 · March 2015

If you tell them that the kid isn't invited and they say they're bringing the kid anyway, you need to be specific, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but Timmy isn't invited. If he comes to the reception then the staff there will need at least one of you to leave with him." They're being dicks if they don't understand that they don't get to control the guest list.

But it's also not a crazy thought to have kids at a 1-2 hour long sit down dinner with music and alcohol. In my family, we call that Christmas. We had kids at our wedding which involved a sit down dinner and plenty of booze. Miraculously there were no 2 year olds funneling Irish whiskey.

If you want an adult event knock yourself out. But the long dinner and booze is a stupid reason to say that they're not welcome.

ashley8918 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

Sure it is. But the answer is not to insinuate that people who want to bring their invited kids to weddings are shitty parents.

Tell them that their kid is not invited. End of story.

Maggie0829 · March 2015

banana468 said:
If you tell them that the kid isn't invited and they say they're bringing the kid anyway, you need to be specific, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but Timmy isn't invited. If he comes to the reception then the staff there will need at least one of you to leave with him." They're being dicks if they don't understand that they don't get to control the guest list.

But it's also not a crazy thought to have kids at a 1-2 hour long sit down dinner with music and alcohol. In my family, we call that Christmas. We had kids at our wedding which involved a sit down dinner and plenty of booze. Miraculously there were no 2 year olds funneling Irish whiskey.

If you want an adult event knock yourself out. But the long dinner and booze is a stupid reason to say that they're not welcome.

But how will they learn the correct technique if you don't start them early?

banana468 · March 2015

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:
If you tell them that the kid isn't invited and they say they're bringing the kid anyway, you need to be specific, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but Timmy isn't invited. If he comes to the reception then the staff there will need at least one of you to leave with him." They're being dicks if they don't understand that they don't get to control the guest list.

But it's also not a crazy thought to have kids at a 1-2 hour long sit down dinner with music and alcohol. In my family, we call that Christmas. We had kids at our wedding which involved a sit down dinner and plenty of booze. Miraculously there were no 2 year olds funneling Irish whiskey.

If you want an adult event knock yourself out. But the long dinner and booze is a stupid reason to say that they're not welcome.
But how will they learn the correct technique if you don't start them early?

They know damn well that you don't guzzle the good stuff!

novella1186 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.

Sure it is. But the answer is not to insinuate that people who want to bring their invited kids to weddings are shitty parents.

Tell them that their kid is not invited. End of story.

-----------ETF magic disappearing boxes-----------------------------------
This is what gets me, OP. You are pissed that your friends are showing 0 understanding of the fact that you prefer a child-free wedding (irritating, I know).

But at the same time, you are insisting on a stance where you show 0 understanding of the fact that some people like to bring their kids with them to places. (Your words: Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?)

It's just a difference of opinion, and neither is wrong. They're being jackasses by insisting on bringing their kids or judging you for not wanting kids there. But you're kind of taking a jackass stance for saying it's completely wrong and out of line for a kid to be at a wedding. A lot of weddings are about bringing families together, and families include kids.

Also ETF: words

ashley8918 · March 2015

Maggie0829 said:

banana468 said:
If you tell them that the kid isn't invited and they say they're bringing the kid anyway, you need to be specific, "I'm sorry if I wasn't clear but Timmy isn't invited. If he comes to the reception then the staff there will need at least one of you to leave with him." They're being dicks if they don't understand that they don't get to control the guest list.

But it's also not a crazy thought to have kids at a 1-2 hour long sit down dinner with music and alcohol. In my family, we call that Christmas. We had kids at our wedding which involved a sit down dinner and plenty of booze. Miraculously there were no 2 year olds funneling Irish whiskey.

If you want an adult event knock yourself out. But the long dinner and booze is a stupid reason to say that they're not welcome.
But how will they learn the correct technique if you don't start them early?

Yes, clearly you are doing this whole parenting thing wrong.

badbnagdway · March 2015

redoryx said:

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.
Does that mean they are planning on bringing Little Timmy anyway?

OP, I feel you. We decided to have a kid free wedding. Most of our friends don't have kids yet and none of our siblings do. If our siblings had kids, we would want nieces/nephews there, but we decided since there are so few families effected by a no-kids policy we would have no kids. One of FI's groomsmen has kids (6 and 8 year old girls). The groomsman lives in town and has family here that can and does watch the kids. However, the groomsman is bringing the kids to the ceremony. Are they invited? No. Did we tell him no kids? Yes. Is he (or more accurately his wife) bringing them? Yes. They are bringing them to the ceremony and then apparently the plan is they are to go home before the reception.

It was just not a hill I was prepared to die on, and frankly it got to where it probably would have damaged FI's friendship (worth keeping? not my decision) with this friend if we kept pushing. I am not happy about it because they are being amazingly rude but ultimately I will probably not notice the kids and at the very least they are not bringing them to the reception.

ohannabelle · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

Lots of weddings include children. Some people see weddings as family events, and actually look forward to seeing the children of their friends and relatives.

There's not a fucking thing in the world wrong with that.

Sit down dinners and drinks? Uhm. Every major holiday my children ever experienced. Nothing children should be protected from.

There's also not anything wrong with child free weddings. No big deal. Kids stay home.

But why take the judgeypants attitude that having children at weddings is wrong, or that weddings aren't kid friendly?

madamerwin · March 2015

KnottieBen said:This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?
We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.
I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.

--------------------ETF Disappearing Boxes----------------

While I completely support your right to have a child-free wedding, and I understand your frustration (especially considering the second bolded above), I must say that most weddings I have been to have been child-friendly events. FI and I don't have kids yet, but many of our friends and family members do. We're inviting a whole gaggle of kids (17 under the age of 12). Just because there is alcohol being served does not mean it's inherently inappropriate for kids. It's not like it's an orgy.

BUT - stand your ground with your friends. Sure, maybe a few will decline if they can't bring the kiddos, but you're well within your rights to have a child-free wedding!

littlepep · March 2015

maeday2 said:

KnottieBen said:
It's also really shitty for our friends to insinuate we're shitty people because by not including their children. We've said "sorry, Little Timmy isn't included, hope you can make it" and we've had two different families tell us that Little Timmy would be with them the whole time and it wouldn't be a problem.
You could always do the hokey pokey. I hear it's a real crowd pleaser.

OMG stop. I was at a wedding where they did this. I was like

plainjane0415 · March 2015

ashley8918 said:

KnottieBen said:
This is more of a rant than a question - Why would anyone want to bring their children to a wedding? It's a 1-2 hour sit down dinner with loud music and a bunch of adults drinking heavily. Under what other circumstances is that a child friendly event?

We're in our mid 30s and getting married this summer. Several of our invited friends have also been married in the last 2-3 years and also did not invite children to their wedding. Now because they've magically become parents, they're incredulous that we might have decided the same. It's not that we don't love kids, but if we included children we're at an additional 50 guests! It amazes me that friends even ask - if your kids we're invited, we'd have put their names on the invitation.

I understand some of our friends won't be able to come because we've not invited their children but I don't like feeling like we're doing something wrong that we haven't invited their kids - just like they didn't invite kids at their own weddings.
Um, because they are my children and I want them with me? There is nothing about a wedding that makes it inherently not good for children. 1-2 hour sit-down dinner? Yeah, it's not going to take 2 hours. But even if it does, my children are perfectly capable of... sitting down and eating dinner. MAGICALLY, they do it every night! Loud music? Yeah? What is your point? Why would this be a problem? Drinking adults? So? Are children not allowed to see people drinking? Hell they see it at my house all the time. As long as the parent is able to take care of them, who the fuck cares?

You absolutely do not have to invite children, but hinting at poor parenting by people who choose to bring children to weddings to which they are invited is really shitty.

All of this.

willthiswork · March 2015

I did not intend to hint that our friends are poor parents or that parents who bring their children to weddings are poor parents. I see how what I wrote is read that way, that is my fault, and I apologize.

My frustration is that we aren't talking about 1 or 2 or 10 kids, we're talking about an additional 50 kids we'd need to invite to cover everyone. We're the last in our respective friend groups to get married. Friends who have asked if their kids could come (even though their names weren't on the invitation), we have kindly explained this to them and they are still pushing back about why we should make exceptions for their children. "Little Timmy is 13 months old and can't be away from mom yet."

plainjane0415 · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
I did not intend to hint that our friends are poor parents or that parents who bring their children to weddings are poor parents. I see how what I wrote is read that way, that is my fault, and I apologize.

My frustration is that we aren't talking about 1 or 2 or 10 kids, we're talking about an additional 50 kids we'd need to invite to cover everyone. We're the last in our respective friend groups to get married. Friends who have asked if their kids could come (even though their names weren't on the invitation), we have kindly explained this to them and they are still pushing back about why we should make exceptions for their children. "Little Timmy is 13 months old and can't be away from mom yet."

Just keep repeating yourself. There's nothing else you can do.

ashley8918 · March 2015

scribe95 said:
If you are displaying any of the attitude you have here to your friends - i.e. questioning their parenting skills for wanting to bring their children - maybe that's why they are responding that way. Or they could just be crappy friends.

In my family kids are always invited. There are a bunch and they manage to sit and eat. They don't drink from the bar. They dance. Everyone has fun seeing them. Every once in a while one gets out of hand and has to sit timeout. Perfectly reasonable and acceptable time to have kids with you. Actually it's pretty fun for them.

My thoughts exactly.

VulgarGirl · March 2015

KnottieBen said:
I did not intend to hint that our friends are poor parents or that parents who bring their children to weddings are poor parents. I see how what I wrote is read that way, that is my fault, and I apologize.

My frustration is that we aren't talking about 1 or 2 or 10 kids, we're talking about an additional 50 kids we'd need to invite to cover everyone. We're the last in our respective friend groups to get married. Friends who have asked if their kids could come (even though their names weren't on the invitation), we have kindly explained this to them and they are still pushing back about why we should make exceptions for their children. "Little Timmy is 13 months old and can't be away from mom yet."

"We understand. We'll miss you at the wedding."

Rinse and repeat. Timmy can't be away from mom. Timmy isn't invited. Mom can't go to wedding. That sucks, but oh well.

southernbelle0915 · March 2015

We had a child-free wedding and got some push back as well. No one rudely told us they were going to bring their kid anyway. If they did, we would have told them that the child would not be accommodated. I would have explained to them that we weren't accommodating ANY children (not just their special snowflake). If they persisted, I would tell them that if they brought the child, they would be asked to leave.

I'm sorry you have friends who are rude enough to threaten those things to you - that really sucks and I can understand how it feels awkward to handle. Just think of it this way... you probably have a rule in your home that people with dog shit on their shoes need to leave the shoes outside. It would be incredibly rude for someone to disrespect the rule you've put in place. You're not the rude one for enforcing rules you've set up for your own home (or events you're hosting). Keep reminding yourself of that.

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