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Etiquette

Do FMILs typically help with the bridal shower?

Does the fmil usually help with the bridal shower? I am just
not sure what to do with my FI’s mom. Im an probably letting it bother me more than
it should but with work, wedding planning, another side job I do, and other
things, I am exhausted and certain little things have been bothering me!

From the time I got engaged, one of my sisters and a friend
said that they wanted to host a shower for me. My wedding is in July but my
friend is helping a lot with her brother’s June wedding and the spring gets
busy for me so we decided on Saturday afternoon in April.  I gave names and addresses to the people I
would like invited to my sister and she sent out invites over a month ago and
from there I have no idea what else is planned (the only thing I have done is a
few people have RSVPd to me so I let my sister know).

 

Then enters in my FI’s mom. Before the invites were sent he
just gave her a heads up on date and location of the shower and she really didn’t
say much. When the invite arrived she called him all upset that she was not
involved with scheduling of this and that we should know better because she
attends church service on Saturday nights.  The shower starts at 1 pm and is less than a
30 minute drive for her so attending her 5 pm mass really should not be an
issue and worst case scenario she attends another church in town that does an
8pm mass (it’s a later service to accommodate for the farmers in the
community).  He tells her that it is what
it is and if she has any concerns to call/text/email my sister.

 

Last week she called again all worked up again that we
(being my FI and I) and are not keeping her filled in with details on the
shower and is just generally all upset about it. He tried to tell her that we
are not a part of the planning and that she would need to contact my sister. I
was hoping it was the end of it when she called again last night all upset
because my sister told her that everything was pretty much planned out and that
at this time she didn’t need any help but would let her know if she needed
anything. And then his mom went on complaining that I did not invite any of her
friends and that she is planning a lunch the next day at her house for family
and that now that this shower “thing” was sprung on her she doesn’t know what
she should do since she will need to get ready for that. I did not invite her
friends because I just do not know them. I invited her sisters/SILs because I
have met them and personally know them- I would have felt odd sending an invite
to people that I have never met for something like a shower.  My FI basically told her to show up at 1 and
just not worry about anything (which she didn’t like hearing).

 

So in closing- do FMILs usually help with showers? Should I
step in and tell my sister what has been going on and ask that she gets his mom
involved or do I just let it go? I do not have a great relationship with his
mom- we have nothing in common and just do not see eye to eye on most things.
She was getting nit-picky and argued with me when talking about wedding plans so
I think she is generally upset that my FI and I have been doing a bulk of the wedding
planning without her.

Sorry this got longer then I expected.

Thanks in Advance! 

Re: Do FMILs typically help with the bridal shower?

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Sometimes future in laws do help. My FMIL helped with my shower, BUT she contacted my Mom, who she knew was throwing the shower and expressed her willingness to help. She didn't hope that someone contacted her to see if she wanted to help. I would tell your sister to proceed as she has with the shower and if the FMIL continues, "The shower is at 1pm and I hope that you can come!" and then move on the conversation to something else. 

    You do not have to involve them in anything if they aren't paying for anything, wedding-wise.

    image
    OliveOilsMom
  • Some FMIL's give a shower for their side, but if somebody else is giving one they do not have to involve her at all.  Some friends and I just gave a shower last weekend for our friends daughter, friend didn't get involved at all other than help with the guest list.  If you invited her thats wonderful but, nope other than that your good.  

    If she wants to offer to throw something for her side that's great too, but shouldn't invite her friends unless they are also invited to the wedding.
  • No, this is not normal. Your FMIL is overstepping. If she wants to be involved in a shower, she can offer to host one for you.

    Anyone can offer to host a shower. Once they do, only that person (or people) are responsible for planning and being involved. Everyone else is a guest. Your FMIL is a guest. Nothing more. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    poodledoodleoooSP29
  • From what I have read here you are doing the right thing and exactly what I would do.

    1. You are not involved in planning your shower. Good move. You provided the list of people your sister asked for and I assume it was within the limit she gave you for head count. Then, you backed off.

    2. You invited your FMIL. Very good, classy grown up move.

    3. You have continued to let your FI deal with his mother and in the case where she needed shower information pointed her in the direction of the host.

    4. You seem to have kept your head and handled it like an adult. Continue to do this.

    For the rest. Let it go. She is not being reasonable. If she wants to host a shower for all her friends she is well within her right to do so. The idea that she would get control over a guest list for a party she is not helping host (aka pay for) is ridiculous.

    The only thing I did not see was if you noted who was paying for the wedding. You said that your FMIL might feel like she is not involved. If she is contributing financially she should be involved. If not, then it is up to you and your FI.

    Good luck!!!
    MnHGirlChemFanatic25huskypuppy14
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MnHGirl said:

    Does the fmil usually help with the bridal shower? I am just
    not sure what to do with my FI’s mom. Im an probably letting it bother me more than
    it should but with work, wedding planning, another side job I do, and other
    things, I am exhausted and certain little things have been bothering me!

    From the time I got engaged, one of my sisters and a friend
    said that they wanted to host a shower for me. My wedding is in July but my
    friend is helping a lot with her brother’s June wedding and the spring gets
    busy for me so we decided on Saturday afternoon in April.  I gave names and addresses to the people I
    would like invited to my sister and she sent out invites over a month ago and
    from there I have no idea what else is planned (the only thing I have done is a
    few people have RSVPd to me so I let my sister know).

     

    Then enters in my FI’s mom. Before the invites were sent he
    just gave her a heads up on date and location of the shower and she really didn’t
    say much. When the invite arrived she called him all upset that she was not
    involved with scheduling of this and that we should know better because she
    attends church service on Saturday nights.  The shower starts at 1 pm and is less than a
    30 minute drive for her so attending her 5 pm mass really should not be an
    issue and worst case scenario she attends another church in town that does an
    8pm mass (it’s a later service to accommodate for the farmers in the
    community).  He tells her that it is what
    it is and if she has any concerns to call/text/email my sister.

     

    Last week she called again all worked up again that we
    (being my FI and I) and are not keeping her filled in with details on the
    shower and is just generally all upset about it. He tried to tell her that we
    are not a part of the planning and that she would need to contact my sister. I
    was hoping it was the end of it when she called again last night all upset
    because my sister told her that everything was pretty much planned out and that
    at this time she didn’t need any help but would let her know if she needed
    anything. And then his mom went on complaining that I did not invite any of her
    friends and that she is planning a lunch the next day at her house for family
    and that now that this shower “thing” was sprung on her she doesn’t know what
    she should do since she will need to get ready for that. I did not invite her
    friends because I just do not know them. I invited her sisters/SILs because I
    have met them and personally know them- I would have felt odd sending an invite
    to people that I have never met for something like a shower.  My FI basically told her to show up at 1 and
    just not worry about anything (which she didn’t like hearing).

     

    So in closing- do FMILs usually help with showers? Should I
    step in and tell my sister what has been going on and ask that she gets his mom
    involved or do I just let it go? I do not have a great relationship with his
    mom- we have nothing in common and just do not see eye to eye on most things.
    She was getting nit-picky and argued with me when talking about wedding plans so
    I think she is generally upset that my FI and I have been doing a bulk of the wedding
    planning without her.

    Sorry this got longer then I expected.

    Thanks in Advance! 

    JIC


    image
    Dreamergirl8812
  • MnHGirlMnHGirl member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited March 2015
    Thanks everyone for replying! 

    His parents will be contributing some money to the wedding to cover the cost of guests that THEY want above and beyond our original list.

    He has a big extended family so we invited the aunts, uncles, cousins, and then family friends that he associated with while growing up. They wanted additional people that my FI does not know well so we said that they would need to cover the cost if they wanted them invited and if they showed up.   

    The same was said to my parents about the money so my dad is paying for a few guests as well. 
  • Is she trying to invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding?
  • Is she trying to invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding?

    This.  Because this is very big NoNo.
  • I had three showers - one for my family, one with Fi's family, and one with my friends, all hosted by different people. My MIL helped my SIL's throw her family's shower - and I have no idea what her involvement was with that.

    If your FMIL wants to be involved in a shower she should have offered to host one. If you want her involved in the actual wedding, give her something to do that you give zero craps about. For me this was the matches (favors), napkins, and cardbox.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    The host plans the shower and isn't obligated to consult anyone else in the planning. It's a good idea to clear the date with the VIPs, which your fi did when he gave her a heads up on the date.

    Your FMIL is being a PITA. Fi should tell her that she is free to decline the shower invitation if it's inconvenient for her to attend. I imagine she'll be perturbed when she realizes her absence won't spoil the fun.

    Good luck with your fmil.


                       
  • edited March 2015
    It depends on your FMIL and your mother.   Originally, my mother was going to plan my shower completely on her own.   She wanted to be polite and planned her guest list and budget to include extra spaces for my Fi's family.   My mom asked me to contact FMIL and come up with a list of guests she would like to have at the shower.   When my FMIL heard about the shower, she contacted my mom directly and offered to help financially (FMIL wanted to invite more people than my mom could afford to the shower)  and as a go-to-person for Fi's family.   My mom was really appreciative and knew my FMIL was excited, so she accepted.   Now, my FMIL isn't doing too much in the way of planning.  The venue, date/time and menu was chosen before FMIL was even in the picture. 


  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree, FMIL is overstepping. If she wanted to plan a shower (with HER friends- though anyone not invited to the wedding should not be invited to the shower), she should have offered to host one. Or, she could contact your sister and offer to help. 

    At the same time, you are also free to decline any shower offers (if you would feel uncomfortable with her friends- I would too!). 

    Either way, sounds like she's had plenty of notice and these other "issues" (which I do not see as issues- sometimes you have busy weekends!!) have come up after the fact as "but oh by the way!". Just keep telling her this is when the shower is and she can come if she likes. 
  • The bride's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family.

    The groom's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.  Maybe she wants to host an ENGAGEMENT party for her son and you?

    The shower is a gift from the MOH and the bridesmaids, coordinated by the MOH.  The bride's closest friends are invited.  And usually the MOB and the MOB's mom (grandmother) and the FMIL/MOG is included.  And I have never heard of a bunch of the MOG's friends being invited.  This is a party for the bride's closest friends who have been by her side through this courtship/engagement/dating time.  The MOG's friends do not meet that criteria. 

    From TheKnot to the bride who asked who should be invited to the bridal shower:  The guest list should include your closest female pals and relatives
    (and your fiance's mom, sis, and other close female friends and family).
  • There has not been a mention of an engagement party on either family's side but I am starting to think my FMIL is being a PITA about this whole thing because it is a control issue for her. 

    She called my FI again last night and went off on him about the location of the party and how she does not even know where it is and how in the world is she ever going to find it and then again about the timing and how she is worried about making the 8 pm church service. He was trying to tell her that the party was at 1 pm and she would have plenty of time to make it to church since the party was not going to go that long. The location complaint is also total BS- she has been to the town of where the party is at (the town is less then 30 minutes from her house) and has driven by it... plus she has a GPS and a cell phone capable of GPS and my FSIL will be riding with her (along with FI's grandmother). I am not really sure how he ended the conversation with her as I left the room but I feel if she is going to be soo stupid over this then she shouldn't even come. I do not need someone there that is going to be soo negative towards this party.

    My FI's mom is from a larger family (she is the 3rd oldest of 9 kids)  and is the bossiest. She loves to tell people what to do and when they do not listen she gets all sulky and acts like a child about it. I have been with my FI for 8 years and have gotten to know his mom's side of the family pretty well so I extended invites out to her sisters and SILs along with my relatives and close friends. I did not feel it was appropriate to invite all females on my wedding guest list which is why her friends were not invited (she does have friends on the wedding guest list). 

    I just know that she will never throw a bridal shower but will be the first to complain about anyone that does. At some point she will have to let go of the fact that her son is not marrying a Catholic, girly girl, that loves to play house. 
  • My MOH is not throwing the party as her and her husband just had their first child (which I am soo excited for them). My sister and another BM got together and decided to throw the party and have been including my MOH on the plans but they did not want her to worry about anything. I feel blessed to have great women in my life :) 
  • The bride's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family.

    The groom's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.  Maybe she wants to host an ENGAGEMENT party for her son and you?

    The shower is a gift from the MOH and the bridesmaids, coordinated by the MOH.  The bride's closest friends are invited.  And usually the MOB and the MOB's mom (grandmother) and the FMIL/MOG is included.  And I have never heard of a bunch of the MOG's friends being invited.  This is a party for the bride's closest friends who have been by her side through this courtship/engagement/dating time.  The MOG's friends do not meet that criteria. 

    From TheKnot to the bride who asked who should be invited to the bridal shower:  The guest list should include your closest female pals and relatives
    (and your fiance's mom, sis, and other close female friends and family).

    What? No, that's incorrect. The only rule regarding invites for a shower is that if someone is invited to a shower they must also be invited to the wedding. That's it. 

    Also, nobody HAS to host a shower but anybody CAN host. It doesn't have to be the MOH/Bridesmaids but if they don't offer to host one then anyone else can make the offer. And if nobody offers then the bride doesn't get a shower. 
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    @MnHGirl ; your fi shouldn't let his mom upset you or him about the shower that your sister is throwing. Whenever she brings up the shower, he should say - 'sorry mom, I'm not discussing the shower with you again.' If she persists, he can hang up or walk out.


                       
    OliveOilsMom
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    The bride's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the groom to the bride's extended family.

    The groom's family can host an ENGAGEMENT party, to introduce the bride to the groom's extended family.  Maybe she wants to host an ENGAGEMENT party for her son and you?

    The shower is a gift from the MOH and the bridesmaids, coordinated by the MOH.  The bride's closest friends are invited.  And usually the MOB and the MOB's mom (grandmother) and the FMIL/MOG is included.  And I have never heard of a bunch of the MOG's friends being invited.  This is a party for the bride's closest friends who have been by her side through this courtship/engagement/dating time.  The MOG's friends do not meet that criteria. 

    From TheKnot to the bride who asked who should be invited to the bridal shower:  The guest list should include your closest female pals and relatives
    (and your fiance's mom, sis, and other close female friends and family).
    Nope. This sort of advice is why we so often get irate bridezillas posting, furious that their MOH and bridal parties haven't "done their jobs." 
    There is no etiquette rule that specifies who throws a shower.

    A shower is not specifically for friends who have been involved during "courtship/engagement/dating time." That is just odd criteria. There might be relatives and close friends who haven't even met the other party, like a good friend or relative that lives in another city.  Why would they be excluded because they weren't  "by her side through this courtship/engagement/dating time."
    Anybody may offer to host a shower. 

    As with any wedding related party, anybody invited must be invited to the wedding. 



    Yeah, this sounds like one of those social circles where people try to attach way too much meaning to everything possibly wedding-related. Reminds me of people who try to call the engagement a "magical time" (where, presumably, everyone around you should be bending and swaying in deference to the magic).
    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    banana468 said:

    Kristan789?   Is that you?? 

    Banana, I was just thinking the same thing!  I was waiting for the need to get the Pastor involved with FMIL's issues with the shower.
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