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Is personal attendant an "honor" role?

Knottie1427079022Knottie1427079022 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiancé and I plan to have three people stand up with us. I have decided that I'd like my sister, cousin, and my best friend stand up with me. I have two other close friends who I would like to be part of my day, get ready with me, get pedicures with the group,etc and thought about asking them to be my personal attendants. Only thing is, Every time I have been an attendant I have felt like a "runner".. Would this be an honor or simply just asking them to be my "servants"
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Re: Is personal attendant an "honor" role?

  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Knottie1427079022 said:

    My fiancé and I plan to have three people stand up with us. I have decided that I'd like my sister, cousin, and my best friend stand up with me. I have two other close friends who I would like to be part of my day, get ready with me, get pedicures with the group,etc and thought about asking them to be my personal attendants. Only thing is, Every time I have been an attendant I have felt like a "runner".. Would this be an honor or simply just asking them to be my "servants"

    This would not be an honor. Just the term "Personal Attendant" implies a position of running errands, performing tasks, etc. Either ask them to be part of your bridal party (sides do not have to be even) or have them do something such as a reading during your ceremony. 
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2015
    No, it's not an honor position. It's exactly how you felt previously - like someone's servant. Ask them to be in the wedding party (or maybe do a reading or something) or have them just be guests. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Personal attendant is not an honor. In fact, it's sometimes taken as a deliberate insult.

    You should choose your closest people to be in your WP, not select an arbitrary number and then select people to fill spots. If you really want these women, they can be BMs. Otherwise, they can be guests, and you can still invite them to get ready with you. 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It is definitely not an honor. Please don't do this. Just have them be bridesmaids or guests. Even if they're guests they can still get ready with you, etc.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:

    Knottie1427079022 said:

    My fiancé and I plan to have three people stand up with us. I have decided that I'd like my sister, cousin, and my best friend stand up with me. I have two other close friends who I would like to be part of my day, get ready with me, get pedicures with the group,etc and thought about asking them to be my personal attendants. Only thing is, Every time I have been an attendant I have felt like a "runner".. Would this be an honor or simply just asking them to be my "servants"

    Nope not an honor position.  You are a bride, not the Queen.  You do not need two designated people to wait on you hand a foot.

    You can certainly ask these individuals if they would like to join you for mani/pedis and to get ready with you on your wedding day.  But don't be annoyed if they say no.  Typically when I am just a guest I prefer to sleep in and get ready on my own time.

    And can I ask why you don't want to include these people in your wedding party if you consider them very close friends?  Is it because you want even numbers?  Because even numbers is a pretty ridiculous reason for not including people you care about.
    This. If you don't want them to stand up with you that's fine. There is no law saying only the WP can get manis and pedis. You can even give them a corsage.

    Asking them to be reader, bring up the gifts during the wedding ceremony (if applicable), or say grace before the meal can all be ways to included them with a honored post - a wedding attendant is grunt work, not an honor.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Absolutely not.  Asking someone to be your personal attendent is basically telling them, "hey, I didn't want to actually honor you as a member of the WP, but you're good enough to be my bitch for the day."  Don't do it.

    Ask them to do a reading, or have them be a guest (which is an honor in and of itself).  You can also ask them to come drink mimosas with you while you're getting ready or join you for mani/pedis. 

    Ditto Maggie too.  If this is an even sides thing, just ask them.  Sides don't have to be even. 


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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Nope. Not an honor. It's basically like saying, "you weren't actually good enough to be a bridesmaid, so here's this b-list title and a bunch of jobs to do! yay!!!" Not cool. 

    You don't need to have even sides. If you want them to stand up on your side, ask them to be BMs. 

    If you don't want them to stand up in the WP, you can still invite them to stuff (they'll be invited to the wedding after all). You could also get them a corsage, reserve a seat for them at the ceremony and give them a good seat at the reception. Those are all actual ways to honor people. Doling out jobs and b-list titles is not.
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  • poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    I agree with PPs. I was in the same spot - I have a close group of girlfriends but I am closer to a few than I am to all so I didn't ask everyone to be bridesmaids. I asked the others if they would like to get ready with us, hang out with us before the ceremony, asked them to appear in some formal pre- and post-ceremony photos, gave them a corsage, invited them to the rehearsal dinner, etc. but they had no title, no job, and everything was optional. They weren't 'required' to be in photos, or attend the RD or get hair and makeup done with us. They ended up participating in parts, but not all that they were invited to.

    My husband had a "grooms attendant" but that was more on his best man's wife than on him. She just likes to be 'involved' and basically followed the guys around with a lint roller and stain removing wipes. No one asked her to do this, she just did. It was very much so her perfectionist self - I thought it was adorable.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Nope, not an honor. Ask them to be bridesmaids and have even numbers (this is totally fine), invite them for mani pedis, or just spend time with them as guests. The only other honor role I can think of is a reader.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Personal attendant, and guest book attendant, and all those made-up roles aren't actually honors. In fact, they can be really boring and inconvenient (not to mention maybe even insulting) to the people who have to do them. 

    A spot in the wedding party or being a reader are the only two good ways (that I can think of, so correct me if I'm forgetting something, ladies) to include someone in the ceremony. If you don't want to put them in your wedding party, that's totally fine. 

    But if you truly do want them involved, and the only reason you're NOT adding them to your wedding party is to have even numbers, that's just nonsense. Numbers do not have to be even, and your FI doesn't get to tell you how many of your nearest and dearest you're allowed to include. 
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I had a personal attendant at my wedding. She was part of the package from the catering company--the DOC introduced her when we got to the venue (same place for ceremony and reception) and she helped me with anything I needed and essentially just brought me drinks and food. It was great, I wish I had a personal attendant every day. :-) 

    As others have said, getting manis/pedis and getting ready and all other kinds of girly pre-wedding stuff are really totally independent of who's in the wedding party. Invite anyone you want to these things. 
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    MandyMost said:

    I had a personal attendant at my wedding. She was part of the package from the catering company--the DOC introduced her when we got to the venue (same place for ceremony and reception) and she helped me with anything I needed and essentially just brought me drinks and food. It was great, I wish I had a personal attendant every day. :-) 


    As others have said, getting manis/pedis and getting ready and all other kinds of girly pre-wedding stuff are really totally independent of who's in the wedding party. Invite anyone you want to these things. 
    Yep, this is work that you pay someone to do. It is in no way an honor. PPs have given good suggestions about how you can still have these friends be part of your day without asking them to "attend" to anything.


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  • futuremrshpfuturemrshp member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I never heard of this until I read this thread.  Yeah.  Please don't do it.

    Just as PPs said, just do the mani/pedi, getting ready maybe even reading thing.  But don't make her run errands. 

    I'm more than sure that on the day of, though, there will be people who will be willing to help out with things that pop up that you didn't think of or whatever (like the person following the guys around with a lint-brush!  LOL!), even if you do get a coordinator.  But I wouldn't designate someone as that person.
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  • charcoalandblushcharcoalandblush member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    What PPs have said.

    I was asked to be a personal attendant and didn't know what I was. I was excited at first because I assumed it was sort of like being a bridesmaid. When I googled it, it was a slap in the face.

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  • lovegood90lovegood90 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    flbride2015 said:

    sjf2715 said:

    I agree with PPs. I was in the same spot - I have a close group of girlfriends but I am closer to a few than I am to all so I didn't ask everyone to be bridesmaids. I asked the others if they would like to get ready with us, hang out with us before the ceremony, asked them to appear in some formal pre- and post-ceremony photos, gave them a corsage, invited them to the rehearsal dinner, etc. but they had no title, no job, and everything was optional. They weren't 'required' to be in photos, or attend the RD or get hair and makeup done with us. They ended up participating in parts, but not all that they were invited to.

    My husband had a "grooms attendant" but that was more on his best man's wife than on him. She just likes to be 'involved' and basically followed the guys around with a lint roller and stain removing wipes. No one asked her to do this, she just did. It was very much so her perfectionist self - I thought it was adorable.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is not adorable and instead pretty weird? I'm not a jealous person but I'm not sure how I would feel about one of my FI friend's wives following them around all day; that doesn't seem strange?
    Yeah, I don't find this remotely adorable. Sounds like she needs a hobby.

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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I would not be honored by this.

    Nor was I honored to hand out programs.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lovegood90 said:

    flbride2015 said:

    sjf2715 said:

    I agree with PPs. I was in the same spot - I have a close group of girlfriends but I am closer to a few than I am to all so I didn't ask everyone to be bridesmaids. I asked the others if they would like to get ready with us, hang out with us before the ceremony, asked them to appear in some formal pre- and post-ceremony photos, gave them a corsage, invited them to the rehearsal dinner, etc. but they had no title, no job, and everything was optional. They weren't 'required' to be in photos, or attend the RD or get hair and makeup done with us. They ended up participating in parts, but not all that they were invited to.

    My husband had a "grooms attendant" but that was more on his best man's wife than on him. She just likes to be 'involved' and basically followed the guys around with a lint roller and stain removing wipes. No one asked her to do this, she just did. It was very much so her perfectionist self - I thought it was adorable.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is not adorable and instead pretty weird? I'm not a jealous person but I'm not sure how I would feel about one of my FI friend's wives following them around all day; that doesn't seem strange?
    Yeah, I don't find this remotely adorable. Sounds like she needs a hobby.
    Agreed.  If I was the Groom or one of the GMs I would want to tell her to back the fuck off with the lint roller.

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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    My MIL texted me to ask if I would be available to help on the day of my SIL's wedding (coming up in August). I really hope that was her polite way of letting me know I wouldn't be a BM (SIL was my BM). I was relieved! But then I started wondering if they were going to give me a shit job.



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  • Knottie1427079022Knottie1427079022 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I am not worried about having an uneven number of Bridesmaids and Groomsmen, we just didn't want a big number standing up with us. I just wanted to make them feel like part of my day because I know there will be hurt feelings. I used to be closer to one of my friends than I am now but we have drifted apart and I am closer to the one I'm asking. I know it's not about that, but I don't want to cause any drama. I wouldn't make them be servants and run errands I just want to include them in my day. I think I will just invite them to everything with us.
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  • poodledoodleooopoodledoodleooo member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    edited April 2015
    flbride2015 said:

    sjf2715 said:

    I agree with PPs. I was in the same spot - I have a close group of girlfriends but I am closer to a few than I am to all so I didn't ask everyone to be bridesmaids. I asked the others if they would like to get ready with us, hang out with us before the ceremony, asked them to appear in some formal pre- and post-ceremony photos, gave them a corsage, invited them to the rehearsal dinner, etc. but they had no title, no job, and everything was optional. They weren't 'required' to be in photos, or attend the RD or get hair and makeup done with us. They ended up participating in parts, but not all that they were invited to.

    My husband had a "grooms attendant" but that was more on his best man's wife than on him. She just likes to be 'involved' and basically followed the guys around with a lint roller and stain removing wipes. No one asked her to do this, she just did. It was very much so her perfectionist self - I thought it was adorable.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is not adorable and instead pretty weird? I'm not a jealous person but I'm not sure how I would feel about one of my FI friend's wives following them around all day; that doesn't seem strange?
    Honestly? If I read that on an internet forum, I would totally agree, It sounds so bizarre. But for their friend group it weirdly just ... works. I have no idea where jealousy plays into this... She is absolutely not a jealous person. More just chummy with all of our husband's friends, who where the groomsmen. It was kind of the equivalent of inviting my friends to get ready with us in the AM, except my husband invited her along to their "pre-wedding getting ready stuff" and she brought things like lint rollers, Tylenol, stain removing wipes, and basically joked that she was a grooms attendant. I'm fairly certain she always has things like Tylenol and lint rollers in her bag - she carries a monster purse and is always prepared. She's a friend of my husband, who happens to be married to one of his best friends.
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  • littlepeplittlepep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    MagicInk said:

    flbride2015 said:

    sjf2715 said:

    I agree with PPs. I was in the same spot - I have a close group of girlfriends but I am closer to a few than I am to all so I didn't ask everyone to be bridesmaids. I asked the others if they would like to get ready with us, hang out with us before the ceremony, asked them to appear in some formal pre- and post-ceremony photos, gave them a corsage, invited them to the rehearsal dinner, etc. but they had no title, no job, and everything was optional. They weren't 'required' to be in photos, or attend the RD or get hair and makeup done with us. They ended up participating in parts, but not all that they were invited to.

    My husband had a "grooms attendant" but that was more on his best man's wife than on him. She just likes to be 'involved' and basically followed the guys around with a lint roller and stain removing wipes. No one asked her to do this, she just did. It was very much so her perfectionist self - I thought it was adorable.

    Am I the only one who thinks this is not adorable and instead pretty weird? I'm not a jealous person but I'm not sure how I would feel about one of my FI friend's wives following them around all day; that doesn't seem strange?
    Because if a woman is near your FI....he might try to bang her? 

    Sounds like she's part of the group and they were fine with it. I assume grown ups can speak up and say "Dude, your wife needs to mosey" if they were bothered by her presence. But if they just like her tagging along and she likes tagging along, then I don't see the problem.
    I don't think it's weird from a jealousy perspective, but I do think it's odd that she'd want to follow them around with a lint roller and stain wipes. If she was just like having a beer with the guys while they get ready, I'd be like ah ok she just wants to chill with the guys. Cleaning up after them all day just seems ...overbearing? Idk the right word. 
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