Wedding Party

what do I do when a bridesmaid is mad she is not MOH??

So I've run into and unfortunate and hurtful situation with a bridesmaid. Background is that I've known this girl (well call her Bianca) since we were 8-9 years old. She's never been very well liked through middle school and high school and I always thought it was because of her size and people are mean about things like that at that age. Every time she "lost a friend" she'd ultimately have some story about how she was the victim and "how could they do that to me" attitude that I beljeved. I've stuck by her side through all of these times in my life and saw fitting she be a bridesmaid.

We went dress shopping rather early in my planning process and I didn't get a chance to formally ask anyone to be MOH or BMs but I knew who I was going to choose. At the shop my fiances mom put me in a weird position and asked who the MOH was and I said my other friend (well say her name is Carly) who Is my longest and most steadfast friend. Bianca was standing right there when I said Carly was the MOH and she didn't seem to react much other than smile so I thought I was in the clear. I later asked everyone to be a part of the wedding by doing a video collage of our friendship and writing a "letter" about how much they mean to me.

FF 3 months later and Bianca and I are texting about bridesmaids dress ideas and she randomly asks who the MOH is. I say Carly and from then she hasn't answered a single text from me. I finally asked if she was physically well or if she died and all she said was "yeah I'm fine." And has yet to respond to anything else. I 100% REFUSE to call her or chase her around as she does this w all of her friends-- she likes to test them to see if they are dedicated or loyal enough and after 16 years of friendship where I've dealt w her always playing the victim card I refuse to chase her around-- it's BS.

All this being said my fiancé hates her. He says she's a tumor I need to cut out of my life. She's never been that pleasant to be around. She hates the city we live in for no reason. She doesn't like when my fiancé is around and she is in town to hang out-- even if he's only around for a couple hours out of the weekend so he can get to know her. She told me a couple years ago she needed me to invest more communication into the friendship and since then I've bent over backwards to text her daily or weekly despite having two jobs. I really haven't gained anything from this friendship as im always the one giving her advice-- then she gets mad at me for that advice.

She's never happy with her situation and always is complaining about something. At this point my fiancé doesn't want her at the wedding, my family doesn't want her in the wedding party and im hurt, upset and stressed out. CLEARLY I made the right choice of MOH if Bianca is behaving this way.

Honestly this might not be a situation i care to salvage as I'm realizing this person is toxic and not worth it. That being said-- what do I do next for the wedding party?? Yes I have a back up plan to ask my half sister to be in the party instead. My wedding is 15 months away. As I type this still no word from Bianca

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2015
    Only you can decide if you're ready to end this friendship for good and deal with the drama that might bring...and from everything you've just said, it is likely to cause some drama. 

    But I have to say this: either your half sister is in your wedding party or she isn't. Please don't use her as a backup for your friend who is being difficult. If you want her in the wedding, ask her regardless of what happens with Bianca. If you're worrying that will make the sides uneven, don't. It's fine for them to be uneven.

    ETA: clarity
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You were dress shopping with bridesmaids and LATER sent them a video to ask them to be in the wedding? I don't understand that at all. As far as Bianca, don't replace her, and don't kick her out unless you truly are ready to end the friendship. If she stays in, don't worry about it. Contact her with necessary info. Attempt now and then to contact her as a friend only, and if she isn't responsive, supply her only with necessary info and don't worry any further about her, and after the wedding you can let the friendship fizzle if it doesn't before then.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]bethsmiles
  • Thank you!! Yes I didn't mean to say my half sister was a backup. I thought long and hard on who I wanted to be in my party and was hung up on it being "even" and that's why I haven't asked her yet. Which is so dumb now that I'm typing it out! I'm going to ask her regardless thanks to your advice
  • Oh no I don't want to send the message she's second rate!! My relationship with her is a whole other story (bad divorce between parents... Yuck) but we remain as close as possible. I was worried about sides being even which is why I didn't ask her yet but reading other comments about how that shouldn't be a factor has made me realize how silly things can get in your way.

    I think my biggest annoyance w Bianca is out of all the women I could have chosen in my life (I was in a sorority) I chose her as one of the six. Her and I bond over health and fitness and I've texted her about those topics since and she still hasn't answered. Instead she's taken to social media about how happy she is in her life and another friend who she snubbed awhile ago is all over it w her and gah it's so high school I can't believe it lol
  • The long story about the dress is I fell in love w the one I knew I was gonna buy and there was a sample sale that I found out about that was 3 days later. I had been engaged one month and didn't have time to formally ask them. I invited the girls to come dress shopping who I knew would be in the wedding saying "hey it's short notice but if you could make it that day to see the dress it would mean the world to me. I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to formally ask you get this has been a whirlwind but I'd love for you to be a bridesmaid!" Then the girls who could come did and later I sent them a more sentimental request that they really appreciated
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    You need to slow down. You don't need a bridal party right now. Your situation is the exact reason why we tell brides to wait 9 months or so prior to the wedding before asking your party.

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    [Deleted User]JCbride2015
  • Well I missed the boat on the 9-month bit. I'm not sure how it would be relevant either way she would have been mad that she wasn't MOH
  • Well I missed the boat on the 9-month bit. I'm not sure how it would be relevant either way she would have been mad that she wasn't MOH

    If you'd waited until 9 months before, she may have displayed enough of this behavior that you wouldn't have asked her to stand up in the first place.
    mikenbergerDreamergirl8812
  • I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my wedding drama, however like I said before I didn't wait. So the advice "you should have waited" doesn't help right now. I have never heard the 9-month rule until your comment so too little too late I guess.
  • I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my wedding drama, however like I said before I didn't wait. So the advice "you should have waited" doesn't help right now. I have never heard the 9-month rule until your comment so too little too late I guess.

    It doesn't help you, but there are lots of brides lurking who may read this and we're trying to help them not make the same mistake.
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    [Deleted User]Dreamergirl8812[Deleted User]
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    redoryx said:

    I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my wedding drama, however like I said before I didn't wait. So the advice "you should have waited" doesn't help right now. I have never heard the 9-month rule until your comment so too little too late I guess.

    It doesn't help you, but there are lots of brides lurking who may read this and we're trying to help them not make the same mistake.
    And it does help you right now. Stop running ahead and making, possibly, snap decisions. So far, you've really had nothing nice to say about this girl. Why would you put her in your bridal party?

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