The Ceremony/Reception Conundrum

ferricfox · April 2015

Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

lovegood90 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

You get one wedding. The day you do the "legal bit" is the day of your wedding. You can either:

1) Have both the ceremony AND reception on the 10th and some of your important guests will have to miss it.

2) Have the ceremony AND reception on the 17th and realize that it's silly to change plans just for a date. The 10th may be important to you, but ANY date you get married on will also be important to you because you'll be married on that day.

3) Have the ceremony on the 10th and have a "celebration of marriage" party on the 17th. If you go this route, you have to let everyone know that you're already married and there should be no "wedding trappings" at this party: No vows, no wedding party, no first dance, etc. It's just a party.

Also, you should read the PPD sticky from the etiquette board because right now what you have planned is a PPD, or Pretty Princess Day, and is considered rude.

KatWAG · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

You should get married on Oct 17 and have your reception immediately after. The day you get married will become your special day.

If you do chose to get married on Oct 10, that's fine. But then on Oct 17, don't re enact your vows. Skip the ceremony completely. And since you are already married, you are now hosting a big party and not a wedding reception. That means no first dances, bridal party, cake cutting, etc.

ETA: read this! http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036614/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread#latest

Maggie0829 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

Why don't you go over to the "Gay Weddings" board and tell all of them how little importance you hold to the legal bit. See what kind of response you get.

I don't give a flying fuck how important October 10th is to you. Since you say that the legal bit is not important to you so then why the NEED to get married on that day? I mean it doesn't seem like you will really feel married until you get to prance around as a bride in front of your family and friends on the 17th so the whole "October 10th is so important to us" crap goes right out the window.

Look, you get one day. So be a grown up and make an adult decision, because playing dress up will just make you look silly.

AddieCake · April 2015

Yeah, that "we don't hold as much importance about the legal bit" attitude is disgusting and offensive to people who can't marry legally. You don't care about the legal bit? Then don't fucking get legally married at all.

ShesSoCold · April 2015

Agree with PPs. Your statement that 10/10 is super mega important to you totally contradicts your statement of the "legal bit" not being important to you.

You get one day. Use it wisely.

ferricfox · April 2015

Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

KatWAG · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

Holy melodrama.

If you don't want to be the center of attention, then elope. Its not that complicated.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

I have one word for you...elope.

And I like to watch the ceremony because typically one person (if not both) in the couple is someone that I am close to and love and I am excited to watch that person make a life long commitment and profess their love to their SO. And knowing that they wanted to share such a special moment with me means the world to me.

And we can only go by what you post. So either you are backpeddling now by throwing out the anxiety, don't' want to be the center of attention card, or you really hate the idea of being the center of attention and are just now saying so. Honestly, having such negative feelings on being a part of a "traditional" affair I am surprised you wouldn't have stated such in your first post.

Still it doesn't explain the whole "we don't care all that much about the legal bit" part.

ShesSoCold · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

Calm down. You're not wasting anyone's time and we don't know you well enough to determine whether or not you're a bitch.

I do, however, know that you should feel comfortable and beautiful on your wedding day and if anyone has anything different to say, they can kiss your ass and mine.

You can never please everyone. If you plan a wedding for other people and go against what you want, I'd be willing to bet you'll regret it.

I have anxiety and self-esteem issues. We got married in a restaurant with 33 guests. It was perfect for us. Was it perfect for other people? Probably not. Is my MIL going to hold the fact that we didn't invite every member of her giant extended family against me for the rest of my life? Yes. Tough shit. File that right there under "not my problem".

Do what is right for you and your FI(as long as it is within good etiquette). If 10/10 is that important, have the whole shebang on 10/10. I'll say it again - you can't always please everyone but you can have a beautiful wedding that you are comfortable with that is also etiquettely approved.

ferricfox · April 2015

My apologies. I left out the anxiety part because, generally, whenever I mention it, people treat me like it makes me stupid or flood me with platitudes (like my mom does).
Let me clarify my "legal bits" comment. We care about the marriage license. We care about being married. What we don't care about is the ceremony. We don't understand why it's so important. That's why we were getting married (essentially eloping) on the 10th, but still wanted to get our family together. We want them to celebrate being one big family.
I'm sorry. I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself effectively the first time through. No matter what I write, my anxiety will say "terrible terrible terrible," and either I rewrite it endlessly, or I just hit send.
I shouldn't have withheld the information about my anxiety. I understand now that it's likely crucial for understanding my dilemma. My apologies again.

AddieCake · April 2015

Agree. If you don't want to have all eyes on you, then don't. Elope or have a private ceremony. It makes me sad that you have such low self esteem. Your fiancé obviously thinks you are beautiful. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Maggie0829 · April 2015

Look @ferricfox, you need to learn that you will never please everyone. So if getting married on October 10th is important to you and your FI and all the other fluff that weddings are comprised of isn't, then elope. So what if your parents want to have a big party? Are they going to pay for this big party? If not, then you don't owe them anything. You should never feel forced to do something you don't want to do just to please others. So you and your FI should have the wedding that makes you both feel comfortable. If your families don't like the fact that they aren't there, oh well, they will just have to get over it.

But if you do decide to please your family then I personally think what you want to do is not really that great. Even if you just have a party the following weekend to celebrate your recent marriage (no wedding stuff involved), I just think of it as a consolation prize and kind of pointless.

So you and your FI need to sit down and decide what is and what is not important to you and go from there.

ferricfox · April 2015

But shouldn't I care that my parents are proud of a beautiful girl "walking down the aisle?" Especially since it will stop them from fist-fighting at this thing?
Shouldn't I care that my FI's family is excited about who he's marrying; shouldn't I care that they would think, "Gosh, Rich is marrying such a beautiful, wonderful girl?"

Maggie0829 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
But shouldn't I care that my parents are proud of a beautiful girl "walking down the aisle?" Especially since it will stop them from fist-fighting at this thing?
Shouldn't I care that my FI's family is excited about who he's marrying; shouldn't I care that they would think, "Gosh, Rich is marrying such a beautiful, wonderful girl?"

I think there reaches a point where caring what your parents want and think stops when it puts you in a very uncomfortable position. If your anxiety is to the point where standing up in front of others and saying vows or being in the spotlight during an entire reception makes your skin crawl and you want to hide under a rock then you shouldn't cave and do it just because it makes your parents happy.

Your parents should be happy and proud of your regardless of how you decide to be married. They should think you are gorgeous no matter what because you are their daughter. Your FI parents should be happy for their son because he is marrying someone that he loves and adores regardless of how the two of you get married. Your FI should love you and think you are the prettiest person on the planet even if you get married in a garbage bag.

You are way too focused on pleasing people. People who should be happy regardless of your wedding plans. Could they be disappointed if you and your FI choose to elope? Yes. But they should not hate you for the rest of their lives because of it. And if they do decide to hold it against you well then that is their issue not yours.

I don't like suggesting this very often because I feel like it is thrown out way too much on these boards, but have you considered getting therapy for your very low self-esteem? It seems like the only way that you can think of yourself as pretty and attractive is if your parents or others think it and have a chance to voice it. That isn't healthy. You can't rely on others to have positive feelings about yourself. You need to be secure and happy with your appearance regardless of what others think. And walking down the aisle in a wedding gown with people oohing and ahhing over you is not going to solve your issues.

AddieCake · April 2015

So if they don't think that, and it matters so much to you, why are you marrying him?

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
But shouldn't I care that my parents are proud of a beautiful girl "walking down the aisle?" Especially since it will stop them from fist-fighting at this thing?
Shouldn't I care that my FI's family is excited about who he's marrying; shouldn't I care that they would think, "Gosh, Rich is marrying such a beautiful, wonderful girl?"

What? No. No you shouldn't. A marriage is between two people. Not 4 or 6.

Quite honestly, as you come with every excuse in the book about why your situation is unique, all your posts seem like you just wanted people to be like " sure!!!! Do whatever!" But a wedding is one day and it BECOMES the special day because its the day you get married/do the "legal bit".

When I'm invited to a wedding, I like to see the ceremony - that's the "marriage part". Sure the party is fun, but I'm there to support the marriage.

levioosa · April 2015

I'm sorry, anxiety or not, you only get one day, and the legal part of it IS your wedding. PPs have covered the rest.

ferricfox · April 2015

@addiecake I'm marrying him because he's the love of my life. He makes me feel human when so many people just treat me like a broken toy or just simply not worth their time. Waking up next to him every day is blissful, and I'm excited to spend my life with him.
@Maggie0829 I haven't seriously considered therapy, partially because I simply cannot afford it, but I guess I'm just scared of it, too. I don't want someone to say, "Aww, you're just crazy. Here's a valium." For my part, I try to manage it, and I do so pretty well, but things like this just cause flare-ups, so I came here for advice.
Aside from the initial explosion of hate because I didn't make myself clear, I think I've received some good advice, and I will definitely be talking to my FI about our options tonight...

AddieCake · April 2015

So you just answered your own question. That's how you feel about your fiancé and how he makes you feel, so NO you shouldn't care that other people aren't thinking you are good enough or pretty enough for him.

ferricfox · April 2015

@southernbelle0915 I never claimed my situation was unique, and I highly doubt it is. All I'm claiming here is that it's happening to me, and I don't know how to handle it in a way that conforms to etiquette, so I need advice.

Maggie0829 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
@addiecake I'm marrying him because he's the love of my life. He makes me feel human when so many people just treat me like a broken toy or just simply not worth their time. Waking up next to him every day is blissful, and I'm excited to spend my life with him.
@Maggie0829 I haven't seriously considered therapy, partially because I simply cannot afford it, but I guess I'm just scared of it, too. I don't want someone to say, "Aww, you're just crazy. Here's a valium." For my part, I try to manage it, and I do so pretty well, but things like this just cause flare-ups, so I came here for advice.
Aside from the initial explosion of hate because I didn't make myself clear, I think I've received some good advice, and I will definitely be talking to my FI about our options tonight...

For those that treat you that way, it would be healthy for you to remove them from your life. No sense keeping people around who treat you that way, even if those people are family.

And no therapy is not like that. If you do get a therapist who immediately jumps to prescribing you drugs, you find a new therapist. In therapy they will talk to you, get to know you and figure out why you think the way you do and help you to improve your way of thinking.

MandyMost · April 2015

It sounds like the legal part is the ONLY important part to you! You want to get married, you want to do it on 10/10, and you don't want any traditional trappings, like guests or a dress or a first dance with an audience. So do it that way. If your parents/families want all the traditional wedding stuff yes, they'll be pissed. But do you really care? That's the question you need to ask yourselves. Is it more important to elope on 10/10, or have a more traditional wedding on 10/17. You can't have it both ways.

You can elope on 10/10 and then have a marriage celebration party on 10/17. No vows, no aisle to walk down, no first dance, etc...but still a chance for your families to celebrate you guys. Is that not a decent compromise?

southernbelle0915 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
@southernbelle0915 I never claimed my situation was unique, and I highly doubt it is. All I'm claiming here is that it's happening to me, and I don't know how to handle it in a way that conforms to etiquette, so I need advice.

Fair enough. And etiquette is that a wedding is ONE event (ceremony and reception) held on one day and without an unhosted gap in between the two parts.

So for you, either you prioritize your anxiety issues and your date (would probably mean eloping) or your party. And make the best choice.

poodledoodleooo · April 2015

I think you've already gotten some pretty great advice but I wanted to address your concerns about the ceremony not being important.

To me the ceremony is the most important part of the wedding. Sure, the reception is fun, but being invited to and witnessing two people declaring that they love and support one another so much that they are willing to commit their entire lives to the other person is pretty damn special. Publicly, legally binding yourself to someone else is an incredibly beautiful thing, and a thing I am incredibly honored as a guest to witness. I would willingly fly across the country to witness a close friend exchange his/her legally binding vows - even if a super modest 30 minute cake and punch reception followed, but I wouldn't do the same for a giant all night party celebrating the vows that were exchanged a week ago. For me, witnessing that moment when two marry is incredibly special, partying with the couple a week after the fact is not.

ferricfox · April 2015

@sjf2715 thanks for your note. When we spoke to my future MIL and asked why it was so important to her (we wanted her input so we could consider changes), she just cried and said "because!" and that was that. My own parents never put any emphasis on their vows (or mine, for that matter).
Having the voice of someone who's been to some weddings (I've been to like, one, ever), gives me a good perspective on the views of the friends and family.

Jen4948 · April 2015

I think you need to first get yourself centered emotionally to the point where you can hear what anyone has to say without becoming defensive in response. Then:

Stop worrying about whether your parents or anyone else will be pleased about witnessing (or not) your vow exchange and plan the ceremony that works for you and your FI, whether that's a private legal ceremony with just yourselves, your officiant, and legal witnesses, or a big fancy public celebration. Accept that if you do go the private ceremony route, that is your wedding, whether or not anyone else is there, what date it falls on, and whatever else does or doesn't happen. No other ceremonies that follow it for you and your FI constitute your "wedding." They are reenactments aka PPDs. Don't try to pass them off as your wedding, because it's very rude to do so.

Finally, it does sound like you need professional therapy. Getting it is not admitting to being "crazy," "sick," or "bad." It just means talking to someone about what you think and how you feel and learning how to cope with certain situations that can stress you out or bother you.

climbingsingle · April 2015

Girl, you need to get your head on straight. Learn to love yourself. Find out a way to manage your anxiety. I get it - I have an anxiety disorder that I take medication for. I was in therapy for a long time. But you need to do something, because it seems like you're all over the place.

Don't have toxic people in your life. If someone treats you like shit, say goodbye and don't look back. Yes, it is that easy.

My suggestion to you is to elope.

minttobemrsb · April 2015

Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other to me, this says that you care more about the party than the "legal bit" as you put it. The legalities of a marriage is what actually makes you married. Why would you discount that? (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? Either elope and come back and have a marriage celebration with no vows, or do it all on one day We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

ferricfox said:
Okay. I get it. I'm a colossal bitch because I hate the convention. But answer me this: Why do people care about seeing the ceremony? Because that is what makes you a married couple. I can have a party with you whenever, but I only get to witness you expressing your dedication to each other once. That's the issue with the legal bit I don't get. The reason I didn't want something so big in the first place is because I didn't want to be the center of attention and watch as people gawk at how hideous I am. People say brides are the most beautiful on their wedding day, but I won't be, and I know that. You need to learn to feel good in your own skin. Wedding aside, you ARE beautiful, if not in your eyes, at least in your partners eyes. End of story. Plain and simple.
I panic about the idea of people staring at me, of them spending months later talking about how horrible I looked and how my FI deserves better. No one should be saying that about you. If so, you should only only delete them from the guest list, but also your everyday life. They sound way too negative.
I threw the party because I know our family and friends would want it, but it's going to be brutally painful for me to be the center of attention. I don't want it. Everyone here thinks I do, but I don't. I have too much anxiety for that. Elope. Either have an intimate ceremony that is family only or just you two. But don't try to add ceremonial parts in if you throw a party later.
I'll just do it the way everyone expects and see if I can borrow a valium for the day of. I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.

MyNameIsNot · April 2015

I think you need to rethink your refusal to consider therapy. It's not "you're crazy, here's a pill." It's learning to work through your feelings toward yourself and about learning tools to deal with "trigger" situations.

Then I think you need to elope. A decent therapist can help you work through protests from family members who want to force you to throw some big party you don't want.

flbride2015 · April 2015

ferricfox said:
Okay, I have suddenly run into a major issue, and I'm going to try to articulate this as thoroughly as I can:
My fiancé and I were originally planning to get married and having the reception on October 10th, which is a day that has a lot of meaning for us, but we had to move it to the following weekend, October 17th, because of conflicts with some of our more important guests.
However, because October 10 is so important to us as a couple, and we don't hold as much importance to the legal bit (some person telling us, "Okay, you're married now") as we do the coming together of our friends and family to celebrate our commitment to each other (read: the reception), we thought it would be the best of both worlds if we got married (the legal bit) on the 10th and keep the reception on the 17th.
However, we knew that some people would feel cheated if they didn't hear us say our vows and whatnot, so we thought about saying our vows at the party as part of the welcome to our guests, and give our family the option of attending the legal "ceremony" the week prior if they wanted to.
Here's the thing: We hadn't gotten around to fleshing out that last part yet, and had planned on special notes in the invites to our families telling them about it, but it WAS in the works.
Then, yesterday, my future MIL calls, and she's crying, and sounds so dejected because she's upset because she thinks we don't want her at the ceremony, and we tried to explain that it's not true, that all the info would come if she had just given us time, and that we wanted more emphasis on the party than the ceremony, and that's why it hasn't been a major discussion topic yet. Eventually, she just shut me out and stopped listening to me, and said, "Okay. Whatever you want; it's your wedding. I just want to hear you say, 'I DO.'"
So my question is this: What the heck should we even do at this point? We thought it was really clear from the outset that the main focus of the whole thing would be the party, but now she's saying everyone on her side of the family thought it was a by-the-numbers wedding. My parents don't seem to care (they haven't said anything, anyway). I don't want this whole misunderstanding to get my relationship with my in-laws off to a bad start (especially since they all really seem to like me so far), but I am loathe to give up our special day of October 10.
Any advice? I'm seriously having panic attacks over this...

The above is what I'm confused about. You explained that when you were referring to the legal bit, you actually meant the ceremony, and not the actually legal part of signing the marriage license. And that you dislike the idea of the ceremony because of social anxiety and self-esteem issues, but you intended to recite your vows again at the reception? What exactly is the difference between reciting them at the ceremony and reciting them at the reception?

The Ceremony/Reception Conundrum

Re: The Ceremony/Reception Conundrum

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